Reminiscing Pain

The sound of cardiac monitors, rolling hospital beds and quiet murmuring filled the room.

I woke up.

The first thing I saw was the blurry ceiling. I breathed in the smell of medicine and chemicals -- it smelled like the hospital. Ugh, I hated it.

"How are you feeling, honey?" I heard the sound of my mother's voice while the recurring beep of the cardiac monitor sounded in the background.

"Mum, is that you?" I watched her through my thick lashes as her figure hovered above me. "And why do I feel so groggy...?"

"Yeah, the doctor injected you with Benzo (benzodiazepines) last night because you were afraid to fall asleep, remember?"

"I did? Wait, slow down, why I am in the hospital?"

I watched as she furrowed her brows in confusion. My mother was staring at me strangely, unable to respond to my questions.

"I'm going to get the doctor, sweetie."

***

I looked up at the doctor, holding a clipboard as he wrote. "It seems like Zoey is also suffering from anterograde amnesia." He flipped through pictures of my brain and showed one particular image to me that stood out. "We did an fMRI scan on your brain last night and we noticed this. See this half-sized hippocampus compared to the average one here?" He pulled up another image beside it. "Results show that you have bilateral hippocampal​ damage and that's why you're unable to form and retain new memories."

I gaped at him, wondering why this was happening to me. "How much do I forget?"

"It differs depending on how severe the hippocampal damage is. In terms of retaining new memories, your memory seems to be resetting itself after 24 hours."

"You mean... I won't be able to remember whatever you've told me by tomorrow?"

"It appears so... I'm sorry, Zoey." His despairing look left me with a sick feeling in my stomach.

I was waiting for someone to jump out and tell me that this was all a joke.

But no one did.

***

The door pulled open to reveal a man in a white Tribal Wolf sleeve less, ripped black jeans and a grey beanie. His muscled arms were hidden his leather jacket while his fringe covered half of one eye. His sturdily built body was one to notice, but his angular face was the real chef-d'cœuvre. My mother told me he was my fiancé earlier that day.

Wow, I certainly picked a handsome fellow, I thought to myself.

When our eyes met, no words could describe how sad he looked. Perhaps a mix of pity, sympathy and self-blame.

I was the one strapped to the hospital bed for two years while he was roaming about freely. It wasn't his fault that fate planned this for the both of us, but I can understand that self-blame is part of being human. I couldn't understand how I knew this, but I could just tell from his forlorn stare that he missed me.

A whole lot.

It made me feel like I was the one who abandoned him. Time paused for me but this man spent years trying to accept the fact that his fiance might never wake up ever again.

"It's a been a while, Zoey..." he sat by the bed, rested his elbows on his laps while he locked his gaze on me. I felt uncomfortable.

"I wouldn't know, I had been asleep," I joked. Even though I knew it was supposed to be touching reunion between two lovers, I found it hard to find a connection. When my memories were wiped out, everything I knew about or felt for this stranger disappeared too. And in times of awkward situations like these, I was one to always turn things into a laughing matter.

The desolated expression on his face changed to an apologetic smile almost instantaneously. "You've always been one to lighten the mood." He chuckled softly.

"I'm sorry, Grayson. I don't feel like I know you." I admitted, feeling sympathetic towards his situation.

"I know," he nodded. "The doctor told me about your condition. He warned me about getting my hopes high. Your memory loss is most likely permanent, and I've accepted it." I could tell by the break in his voice that it took all of him to stay composed. I was always good at analysing other people. "But I still want to see you to catch up for lost time."

"How did it happen?" I interrupted him, and he kept silent, looking downwards. I knew I wasn't being exact with my words. "Not the incident. Us."

He turned, following my gaze.

"How did we meet?" I asked him. If I was going to trust that this was the guy I loved, I needed to see why and understand how I fell in love with him. His beautiful face wasn't enough, although it did make it easier.

"We met in university. You were majoring in Sociology, and me, in Psychology. But you were in a relationship with someone else at the time, and so was I. We met because you left your book back in library and I returned it to you when you came back for it."

I smirked, "A rather ordinary situation, isn't it?"

He returned the smile, "It may seem like it from a third person's point of view, but when I met you, I knew we had something. But it was fairly difficult to chase you while you were engaged to Jasper."

Jasper.

It all came back to me. I remembered my first few years in University. We dated for three years, and then... I don't remember. I remember nothing after that.

"You probably think you're still in a relationship with Jasper, don't you?" Grayson let out a small laugh.

I didn't respond because I knew it wasn't something he wanted to hear. It was true. I still remembered loving Jasper. In fact, I missed him. Even though he probably forgot about me, considering almost half a decade passed.

"You were engaged to him at the end of your third year. But in our final year of university, we started seeing each other. You broke off your engagement with Jasper but your mum wasn't happy about it. Your mum liked Jasper more than me, and thought you had a better future with him than with me."

"Why is that?"

"Jasper was the son of a CEO. He was the next heir to the position. And I... Well, I was working a part-time shift in a coffee shop, while paying rent for a measley two-room apartment. I don't blame your mother, she was right. You deserve better."

"But I picked you over him, didn't I?" I smiled at him, putting my hand over his.

"Yeah. You did." He glanced at our hands. Our eyes met again, but his gaze softened this time.

"Sometimes I question why you chose me over him when I didn't have anything to offer you--"

I interrupted him, "You must have had something he didn't, Grayson. I know I don't exactly remember you but... I know myself. I always value love over materialistic things."

"You always did." His hand were placed on my cheek, and his right thumb grazed over my high cheekbones. I didn't know him, but I was accepting of his touch. It was warm and gentle, just like his smile.

The door creaked open, and his hand left my face that it felt foreign without it.

"Visiting hours are closing. You have two minutes, Sir." The nurse stuck her upper body through the gap of the door to notify us.

"I'll be right out." Grayson replied sweetly, and for some reason I didn't want him to share his unselfish nature with others. I wanted to keep him for myself.

"You know, I won't be able to remember all this by tomorrow." I bit on my lip, feeling awful because every moment we had shared was about to be erased.

"I know, that's why I recorded our conversation today. I'll play it for you tomorrow morning when I come to visit," he let out a cheeky smile, removing the mini tape recorder from his front right pocket that was attached to the pair of jeans he had on. He waved the tiny machine at me, and winked at me before exiting the room.

Maybe it wasn't so bad after all. I might have gotten the worst luck when it came to my condition, but I think Grayson became a ray of hope for me.

***

"Mum, Grayson told me about us earlier today. About how we met." I couldn't help but grin.

Her sullen, wrinkled face turned into a smile. "Grayson's a good man, Zoey. You were right."

"Why do you say that? Didn't you like Jasper better?" I asked, a bit too forwardly than I intended.

"I did, but not anymore." She paused, looking back to the past. "When you got into a coma, it was Grayson who watched over you in the past two years, not Jasper."

"And Jasper? Does he know?"

"He knew, but he never visited once."

"I see." I said, feeling a bit disappointed that he was the man I loved for three years.

The back of my head started to hurt a little, and only after a while I realized that my mum was sobbing silently to herself.

"Mum...?" I furrowed my brows in confusion, wondering if it was something I said.

"I'm sorry, honey... I'm so, so sorry." She rested her elbows at the side of my bed, and let out a pitiful cry. Her voice cracked as her hands tried to cover the guilt she had that was written all over her face.

"It was all my fault. The incident happened because of me--"

"Mum, what are you talking about? None of this is your fault." I stared at her, trying to reassure her that everything that happened was for a reason. While I hated being stuck in this condition, it was a reality that I had accepted.

"Yes, it is!" she cried out while tears streamed down her cheeks. "If I hadn't disapproved of your engagement with Grayson, y-you wouldn't have gotten into an accident." Her voice wobbled with feelings and tears of self-condemnation.

"You're like this because of me. It's all my fault. I-I did this to you!!" Her voice shrieked with misery, so loud that neighboring rooms could hear us. Her tight grip on my wrists left a mark and I screamed out in pain. Nurses dashed in and were forced to take her out of the room. They ended up sedating her using injections as she was considered mentally unstable at that point, and I felt horrible for her.

The door closed shut and it left the room in silence. I realized my situation hadn't only hurt Grayson. It was hurting everyone around me. My very own mother subjected herself to the rigours of penance by blaming herself for something she had no control over. And I thought I was the pitiful one.

No, I was able to forget everything the day after. But how about them? They had to live with the painful memory ingrained in their minds until death came for them.

And me?

My existence was a burning reminder.