Chapter One

The night was noisy. Different voices was heard in the dark cold night. People were busy talking, walking and hurrying, others were laughing with enjoyment. Excitement and amusement was seen in their faces.

There are too many people gathered together to watch the variety show in the huge stage. We're here in the wide plaza, waiting the show to start.

The stage set-up is too exquisite. Ang iba't-ibang pailaw ay umiikot-ikot sa gitna nito kasama ang malalakas na tugtog mula sa malaking sound system. And I was fascinated.

Talagang pinaggastusan ng Mayor dito sa amin ang palabas na ito. People here are always present when it comes to this kind of show. Halos mapuno ng mga tao ang seats na inokupa para sa kanila. At hindi na ako magtataka na ganyan kaganda ang stage at ganito kalawakan ang venue dahil sa dami ng tao.

Taon-taon ginaganap ang ganitong pa-event ng Mayor dito sa bayan namin tuwing sasapit ang fiesta. Ngayon ay nasa isang tabi ako ng isang napakalaking bulwagan kung saan dinaraos ito. Halos hindi magkamayaw ang mga tao sa kanilang upuan dahil sa kagalakan.

Every year, the organizers hired bands, singers, dancers that will perform in this show. The reason why I'm here is because I will capture some pictures that will might happen here. At taon-taon din ay hina-hired nila ako upang gawin ang pagkuha ng litrato dito.

I laid my eyes in the surroundings. The night filled with different colors of lightnings sparkling together that made the darkness so vibrant. It was enchanting to watched.

Even though it was indeed beautiful, how I immersed myself stared steadily, how captivated I am or how I enjoyed it, I'm not happy.

"Hoy love, 'di ba sabi kong hintayin mo ako sa bahay?"

After I roamed around my eyes, while I'm fixing the lens of my camera I will use, I heard someone voice behind my back. I turned my head to see that person.

"Nag-message ako sa'yo kanina na mauuna na ako, ah. Kuya Owen called me earlier at pinapapunta na ako dito," I replied at muling binalik ang tingin sa camera na hawak ko.

"Wala akong natanggap, love," aniya habang may hinahanap na kung ano sa kanyang bag.

"Try to check your phone, Axel." Nang makuha ang tamang pagkakaayos ng lense ay kaagad kong ginamit ang camera'ng hawak ko.

"Aw, shoot! Meron ka ngang message, love. Bakit hindi ko napansin 'to?"

He is Axel Tidy Del Mundo. Ang kasa-kasama ko ngayon dito. I'm a photographer while he is a videographer. Matagal ko ng kakilala at kasama sa mga ganitong gawain namin. Palagi kaming kinukuha ng mga organizers pero siya, madalas. Halos sa lahat ng events na meron ang bayan namin, hina-hired siya. I must say that he is professional freelance videographer and photographer. He has also an agency wherein pinapadala siya kung saan-saan. Minsan sinasama niya ako to help him pero hindi lagi. Hati kami sa magiging kita niya do'n.

Axel is handsome. He has cute pointed nose just like mine. Has a black iris eyes and pinkish lips. Maputi pero mas angat ang kaputian ko. He looks like a bad boy but not. Siguro dahil sa hikaw niya sa tig-kabilang tenga. It's kinda attractive to him that's why he always wore it all the time. Pwede ko siyang i-hanay sa mga nag-gwagwapuhang mga lalaki dito sa aming lugar. Because of his handsomeness, maraming kumukuha sa kanya upang mag-shoot ng video o take pictures sa mga kasal, debut o birthday party. He is also single since birth.

Axel always using that word 'love' when he talked to me and I hate hearing his yucky endearment towards me. I always talked to him to stopped himself called me that yet he was too stubborn. I always seen the determination and persistence in him to get me.

Yes, he's courting me for almost a months. We're bestfriends before and close buddies. Everything about us changed when he confessed his true feelings to me. Even the way I treat him was changed too after that day.

Unlike him, my feelings towards him isn't mutual. Hindi sa hindi ko siya gusto kasi he is a boyfriend material pero wala sa kanya 'yung lalaking hinahanap ko. I'm not choosy or what, either picky, I want someone who is interesting and has a unique personality. Kay Axel, hindi ko 'yon makita. Isa pa, bestfriend lang talaga ng tingin ko sa kanya.

"Love, harap ka nga sa akin. Dali!" Kaagad akong tumingin sa kanya at napa-kisap ako ng mata ng nag-flash ang lens ng kanyang malaking camera.

"Tss, ano ba, Axel! Masakit sa mata." Kinusot ko ang mata ko.

"Perfect." Narinig kong sambit niya.

Kung sa mundo ng photography lang naman ang pag-uusapan, mas magaling siya kaysa sa akin. Mas gamay ang bawat kuha at anggulo ng camera. Mas may alam kumpara sa akin. Matagal na niyang ginagawa ito, mahigit pitong taon na.

Unlike me, I'm still pursuing this kind of passion I discovered when I was in third year high school. Kahit na hindi ito ang gusto ng magulang ko para sa akin, kahit ayaw nila ang ginagawa kong ito at kahit wala itong kinalaman sa kursong natapos ko, still mas pinili ko ito. My heart always leading me to be here, to choose this.

And I always choose my heart when it comes to passion.

"Kumain ka na ba? Nauuhaw? Nagdala ako nitong paborito mo'ng orange juice," tanong ni Axel.

"Sa'yo muna, 'maya ko na lang inumin," I answered reluctantly. "Ayusin mo na 'yang camera mo. Magsisimula na ang event."

Napansin kong lumingon siya sa akin base sa aking peripheral vision. Tumagal iyon ng mga sampung minuto. Para bang pilit na pinag-aaralan ang emosyon sa mukha ko. Itinuon ko ang pansin sa stage upang makaiwas sa mga titig niya.

"Did Tito Vic scolded you? Ang lungkot ng boses mo, love. May nangyari ba?" he asked curiously.

I tried not to be transparent when it comes to my real emotions, when the times I feel sad or mad just like this or often in a particular situations. Axel knew me so well that's why whenever I didn't talk nor speak, something bothering me that he wants to know.

"I'm okay," I just simply answered.

I can hide or mask my real emotions. And I hate myself for being like this. I always tried to show to people how okay I am by seeing my face happy yet in the first place, I'm not. I always said, I'm okay but I wasn't. In my every day living, there's nothing to be happy.

"I'm not convinced. Ano na namang ginawa sa'yo ni Tito? Tell me," sabi niya pa.

Kung titingnan, halos kilalang-kilala na nga talaga ako ni Axel. Alam na alam niya kung ano'ng gusto ko o hindi gusto, paborito ko at mga ayaw ko. Pero may mga bagay siyang hindi kayang unawain sa akin, ang tunay na nararamdaman ko at kung ano'ng iniisip ko.

Hindi niya mabasa ang nararamdaman ko pati ang emosyon na pinapakita ng mukha ko. Ang alam lang niya ay malungkot ako, may iniisip o may problema pero hindi niya matukoy kung ano'ng ikinalulungkot ko, kung ano bang iniisip ko at kung ano'ng problema meron ako.

Something bothering me or what pero hanggang doon lang ang alam niya. Hinding-hindi niya malalaman kung ano ito.

Magaling akong magtago ng emosyon. Indeed, this is my way of letting the pain go away. If I'm sad or mad, I need to do this for them not to worry about me. I don't want them to think about how sad I am or how devastated I am. I want them to see what they should supposed to see on me. And that is, I'm okay.

I'm always okay.

And I'm seeking someone who will comprehend what I think base on my emotions, who will see what I truly feel, what my real emotions I hid.

Kay Axel, hindi ko nakita 'yon.

I wore the strap of the camera to my neck. Hindi ako sumagot sa tanong niya. Kapag ganito, alam niyang ayoko ng magsalita pa, lalong-lalo na kapag pamilya ko ang pinag-uusapan.

I started to walked and leave him there alone.

The show started. After our Mayor and other municipal officials gave their greetings for attending in this shows, the performers started their performances. And me, I started capturing a lot of pictures on every part of the shows.

In the middle of the shows, as my eyes stared in my camera to see the photos I've captured, someone voice spoke from the band performing in the stage.

"We didn't expect how many people attending in this shows, enjoying some performance of the performers. Maraming salamat po sa pagpunta niyo dito especially to those people who supported us, the band Missing Peace. At handog po namin itong kantang itutugtog namin ngayon sa inyo. Our own song piece. I hope everyone will relate and enjoy," he said in a happy and excited voice.

The surrounding is in silence. The strumming of the guitar started. Sinimulan ko namang kumuha ng mga larawan sa kanila. Habang kumukuha ng litrato ay tahimik kong pinapakinggan ang liriko ng kanta. Their voices are really soothing to ears especially the lead vocalist. It gives relaxation. The slowly beat of music combined in his beautiful voice.

I stopped myself from what I'm doing when I heard the chorus part of the song.

Try to relax and always breathe

Let your wings fly and be free

Never afraid to show who you are

Always choose and follow your heart

Natigilan ako at napatingin sa unahan. Simple smile slowly curved in my lips. A smiled that is rare for me. I whispered in my mind.

I will.

***

Tahimik naming binabagtas ang daan papalabas ng venue. People walked simultaneously while others fixing their things and stuffs. At kasabay ko ngayon si Axel.

"Love, saglit lang pala. Hintayin mo ako dito, may itatanong at kukunin lang ako kay Kuya Owen. Hawakan mo muna 'tong bag ko." Tumango ako. Tumakbo siya ng mabilis. Ako naman ay tumigil at nanatiling nakatayo.

Kuya Owen Evangelista is Axel brother in mother's side and working here in our municipality as accountant. We're close with each other since he always talked to me. Aside from that, he always hired me and Axel in the work connected with photography and videography in different events of the municipal.

"Sobrang ganda ng performances, grabe! Super enjoy talaga ako!"

"Oo nga. Ang gagaling pa ng mga performers."

Narinig kong compliment ng dalawang babaeng dumaan sa harapan ko. Yeah, they were correct. Everything they said was true. I can feel in their voice how superb the performances are and how they amazed in it.

Napansin ko ang orange juice na mukhang hindi pa nagagalaw sa gilid ng bag ni Axel. Kinuha ko ito at binuksan. Ininom ko iyon hanggang sa maubos ko.

Tumingin ako sa hindi pa lumalayong katawan ni Axel habang tumatakbo.

I sighed.

Mula ng ligawan niya ako, lahat ng mga gusto ko, binibili niya kahit hindi ko naman hinihingi katulad ng pagbibigay niya ngayon ng paborito kong orange juice. Kapag may kailangan ako sa kanya, agad siyang nandyan para sa'kin.

I'm so fortunate to have him, seriously. A guy who patiently waiting me to answer him without thinking if there's a possibility I will answer him a 'yes'. I always said that he should stop himself doing this but he is so persistent to get me. And I can't stop him, I don't know what to do to stop him.

I doubted how he loved me wholeheartedly. From being his only bestfriend, never I imagine that one day he will like me. I never saw us being in a relationship at all.

I mean, there's nothing to be love about me. I'm just lonely. I prefered to be alone. I'm not attractive, even not that good looking guy. I'm just an ordinary person living in this world carrying heavy burdens, problems and facing difficulties.

Lagi niyang sinasabi na maghihintay siya kung kailan ko siya sasagutin, kapag ready na daw ako. Hinding-hindi daw siya magsasawa at mapapagod maghintay. Hindi ko daw kailangang pilitin 'yung sarili ko na gustuhin din siya pabalik. Basta dito lang daw siya sa tabi ko. Huwag ko daw siya itulak palayo.

I once cried because of what he said, inside my room, alone. Ni isang beses hindi ako umiiyak sa kanya. Out of frustration, umiyak ako. Hindi dahil sa naaawa ako o dahil sa mga sinabi niya. I cried because I never saw us being in a relationship. That I will be his boyfriend he wanted to happen. Na may pag-asa kaming dalawa.

Alam kong nasaktan ko siya no'n sa mga sinabi ko. Kita ko 'yon sa bawat galaw niya. Isang linggo pa nga niya akong hindi kinausap no'n dahil sa tampo.

I do love him but not the love he wanted for us. And until now, I always blaming myself why he doesn't have any girlfriend. Parang pinipigilan ko siyang magkaroon no'n o maging masaya dahil mahal niya ako, dahil hindi niya kailangan no'n. Only me. He just need me.

And I'm letting him courted me up until now. Until he feel tired and until he give up. Hahayaan ko siyang gawin 'to kung saan siya masaya pero hindi ko kailanman mapapangako na sasagutin ko siya. Sasaktan ko lang ang sarili ko.

Tumingin ako sa relo'ng suot ko. Alas dose na ng gabi. Halos inabot din ng mahigit anim na oras ang naging shows. And I'm sleepy tho. 

Kinuha ko ang hawak kong camera upang ayusin ito at ilagay na sa bag na dala-dala ko ngayon. Ilalagay ko na sana ang camera ng biglang namatay ang ilaw sa buong venue. Puro kadiliman lamang ang nakita ko.

I immediately find my cellphone in my pocket to open the flashlight when an unknown hands of a person grabbed my face and quickly sealed my lips aggressively. Nabitawan ko ang hawak kong camera. I was startled on what this person did to me right now. My breathing started to fast as my lips pressed on this person' lips. I also felt his tongue.

I was speechless. I was stiffened.

"Ummph!" His left hand grabbed the back of my head trying to deepened the kisses we shared of.

Pinilit kong itinulak ang katawan ng kung sino mang lalaking kahalikan ko ngayon. Nakawala ako habang hinahabol ang paghinga.

The lights immediately turned on. I heard people's murmurings.

Hawak-hawak ang dibdib ay dahan-dahan akong tumingin sa taong nasa harapan ko ngayon.

A guy. Lalaki ang humalik sa akin.

Shit!

He grinned so widely. I saw his face. I will going to curse him when he suddenly spoke.

"Number 17, done. Thank you, cutie! I enjoy your sweet lips. See you soon!" And then he ran fastly in front of me. My mouth hanged opened.

What is that?

Sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko dahil sa pangyayaring iyon. It was palpitated. Halos hindi ako makapagsalita at hindi alam ang gagawin. Napakabilis ng pangyayari. Tulala akong sinundan ang bulto ng lalaking humalo na sa alon ng mga tao hanggang sa mawala ito sa paningin ko.

Kaagad kong pinulot ang nalaglag kong camera ng may nakita akong bagay sa pwesto kung saan siya nakatayo kanina. Pinilit kong umakto ng normal. Naninigas parin ay dahan-dahan kong pinulot ito. Mukhang galing ito sa lalaking iyon.

A necklace with a pendant...

Live.

***