Denial

Since this is the last week before finals, there are barely any lessons with the teachers who have finished with the syllabus. Those shitty teachers who haven't, show up early and try to make us write down all our remaining notes. Everyone knows these teachers can't be trusted to do their job, so we all made sure to study during our own time during the year.

I'm in the last lesson, when Louise moves from her spot in the back to sit on the desk in front of me, holding a bag of jelly worms. The teacher, who doesn't even notice, has his head buried in a newspaper.

"Hey. Sorry I didn't text you last night. I was exhausted after debate."

She gives me a huge, suspicious smile. I narrow my eyes at her. "why did you say it like that?"

"Say what like what?"

"Debate."

She pretends to look at her long nails. "I might've skipped and gone to Rob's house."

I look at her blankly for a moment. Louise always skips, so why is she so happy right now?

I gasp. "Louise, did you and Rob..." I discreetly make the universal finger action for sex. Louise grins and looks up at the ceiling.

"Louise!" I say, a little too loudly. We both look around, luckily none of the students are paying attention to us. Still, I whisper shout, "Louise!"

"What?" She feigns innocence. "It was about damn time, anyway. I can't be touchy with a guy and not want to do it."

Louise who is--was--a proud virgin, always told me how she was gonna wait until she was ready, but I think she was just scared. I remember when I first had sex, and every time I had sex after that, she'd ask me how it was, how it felt and how the girls acted. She kept asking to the point where I grabbed my phone, searched up Pornhub and made her watch a video. That got me into a long lecture with Mom when she saw my search history.

But Louise has finally done it, which means she must really like Robert.

"Robert must be special," I smile at her, watching her blush under her beanie.

"Yeah, he's... Different."

"He's different," I mimick in her high pitched voice. "He was a bad boy, but I know there's good in him, I  can change him-"

"Shut up," she glares while I laugh uncontrollably. "Fuck off."

When I settle down and look at her flushed face, I see it though, that she really likes him.

"Nah, I'm happy for you. You guys are great together. I love seeing you this happy. And you're practically glowing."

She smiles at me, almost like she's about to cry, before she sniffs and looks away. "Ew, emotions." She says shaking her arms.

"So what'd you get up to yesterday? Did you take the bus home?"

"I walked. Stopped by Greene's house to give him some notes. Mom baked this amazing chocolate cake, I brought you some-" I try to slip it in casually, but Louise immediately catches on.

"Hold on. You went to Greene's house?"

"Yeah. Um, Andy was there to give him back these games and I saw him and we sort of...hung out?" My voice gets smaller as I finish the sentence, watching Louise's eyes widen.

"You hung out with Greene. In his house?"

"Yeah."

"Did...you kiss?"

"What? No! We just hung out, I swear. Then I gave him my notes and left. That's it." The lie comes naturally to my lips. There's no way I'm telling Louise how I practically stuck my tongue down his throat-

"Hm." She eyes me for a while, pursing her lips. "Look, Alex. I don't think hanging out with Greene is such a good idea."

What the fuck?

"What do you mean it's not a good idea? You're the one who's been telling me to talk to him all year! Now that I'm finally doing it you're telling me it's a not a good idea?"

She looks around us for a moment, before scooting back closer to my desk so she can lean her arms on it. "Look. It's not my place to say, but Greenes family isn't exactly...good. Let me finish. He's cool, and his mom is cool, but his dad and other family members, they aren't cool. They're...dangerous. I do want you to hang out with him, but just... Don't go to his house too often. You might run into his dad and trust me you do not want to run into his dad." Her voice has dropped into a low whisper.

"How-how do you know all this?"

"Let's just say my family knows his family. That's why we're friends. Sometimes I even go to their house for Thanksgiving."

"Well. He wants me to come over again today. What am I supposed do?"

"Do you want to go?"

I don't even hesitate as I give her a small nod. She lifts her eyebrows, surprised.

"I can't tell you what to do, Alex. If you wanna hang out with him, go ahead. Just... Be careful of his family. Okay?"

"Are they in some drug cartel or something?" I ask with a laugh, expecting Louise to laugh along with me. She doesn't.

Instead, she shoves her face with gummy worms and offers the packet to me. I take three and pull on one.

"Do you like him?" She asks.

Do I like him. He's funny. He's good looking. He's smart, and that accent...

But I'm not gay.

"And don't lie to me, Alex."

"I-I don't know."

She nods. "That's a better answer than 'I'm not gay' " she says it in a whiney voice.

"I do not sound like that. And I'm not gay-"

"What's so wrong with being gay, Alex?" She asks, now angry. "You keep denying it like it's so horrible to be gay. And there you are kissing a guy then planning a date with Addison, who genuinely likes you, and you're lying to her. You're lying to her, and you're lying to yourself. I've been with you for most of my life Alex. I've seen the Playboy magazines under your bed. I've seen your Google search history. That's why you delete it every Friday, right? I'm not judging you, Alex. I just want you to stop lying to yourself and just admit it. There's nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong with it. You're just hurting yourself and you're hurting me."

The bell rings as she says the last word, and she quickly stands up and walks back to her seat in the back of the classroom. She grabs her books walks out without saying anything else. I always knew how she felt about my sexuality but I didn't think it affected her this much. And she is right about some of what she said, but I don't know if I'm ready to admit anything yet.

I quickly go to my locker to grab my books and follow her to the car. When we reach the doors, I grab her by the wrist.

"I...I appreciate you telling me how you feel. I don't mean to hurt you, I just... Talking about it is difficult for me. I brought it up at dinner once, and Dad straight up told me if he ever found out any of us were anything other than straight, he'd disown us. So I'm not gay. I'm not-"

"Alex, stop. I get it. Coming out might be hard but-"

"I'm not-"

"Just stop lying to yourself!" She shouts, earning us a few glances from the other students around us.

"For fucks sake!" She gets in the car, slamming the door. I slowly walk to the other side and we drive off, without another word.

She drops me off in front of Greene's house. By that time she's not as angry anymore and she says to me, "Be careful, Alex. If not for yourself, then for me."

I nod at her and exit the car, stopping to watch her drive away before making my way to Greene's front door. His mom answers, frowning when she sees me. She doesn't fully open the door, glancing behind her nervously.

"Alexander! I didn't know you'd be coming today?"

"Is now not a good time? Greene had told me to come back today, for my notes-"

"Wait there, okay?" Gives me a quick smile. "I'll go and get him."

She quickly closes the door again and I'm left standing there, holding on to the straps of my backpack. A few minutes later, Greene opens the door and steps out, closing it immediately.

"Shit, I'm sorry. I forgot you'd be coming." His eyes are wide as he hands me back my notebooks.  "Now's not exactly the best time. Can we hang out some other time?"

"Sure," I say, trying not to sound hurt. Why would I be hurt?

"Great, um. Thanks for the books." He looks down at me. I'm pretty tall, but he's a good foot taller than me, his head hanging low to look at me. I don't miss the slight bruise on his cheek, but I decide not to ask anything about it.

"See you at school, then?"

"Maybe. I don't know yet."

I nod a few times, before backing away and walking back home.

What the hell was that about?  I remember what Louise said to me about Greene's dad being dangerous. Maybe he's here today? I force myself to stop thinking about it when I get home, because Greene has been consuming my thoughts and It needs to stop.

...