Seems Unlikely

~ SASHA ~

His hand tightened on hers and adrenalin shot from her heart through her whole body, her skin prickling at the point where they touched.

"What are you talking about?" 

It was near-black in the Jeep because Zev still hadn't turned the headlights on. His skin looked gray and his eyes dark. But she could see the tension in him, the flex in his jaw and the glint of anger and fear in his eyes. 

"I was supposed to move to operations the year before. But I pushed back. Remember the summer between Junior and Senior year, how I was gone for almost a month?"

She nodded. He'd left on vacation with his family and she'd been miserable. She'd almost slept with him the night before he left, but they'd only been together three months at that point. She was still scared. She'd chickened out. He'd been so good about it…

"I convinced Nick that living a normal life for one more year would make me even more useful to them. It took weeks, but he finally gave in. That's why I got to come back. I was supposed to go away on that "trip" and let you know while we were gone that we were moving there… that was supposed to be the end for me. But I pushed, Sasha. Really hard. I couldn't give you up."

"Give me up for what, though?" she asked.

"To be what I am now," he said slowly.

"Which is what?"

He sighed and it rolled in his chest like a growl. "A tool," he said quietly. "A weapon. A… something unexpected that can be used to marginalize threats."

She turned to look at him sharply. "What are you saying?"

He rolled his shoulders. "I'm a spook, Sasha. A ghost. I don't exist in the system. At least, not where anyone normal can find the records. Because no one is supposed to know that I exist. So… I don't."

She frowned. His words echoed like they meant more than he was saying. She rubbed the back of his hand. "Explain. I don't understand," she said. 

"If I died today, no one who knew would report it, and no one who didn't know would ever find out," he said carefully. "That's the way my life has to be. The only way I can do what I do is if no one knows I exist. I wasn't supposed to tell you, Sasha. Wasn't supposed to show you. But I promised you before I left, remember? I told you that I had to tell you something important?"

She nodded, her stomach tingling, and not in the nice way, at the memory which had haunted her for years. "I thought…" she dropped her face into one hand and shook her head in embarrassment. "I thought you were going to propose," she admitted finally. "I was so in love I was just so blind."

He squeezed her hand again, rubbing the back of her fingers with his thumb. "No, you weren't. Not the way you think, Sasha. Everyone else was blind. You were the one who saw me clearly."

She almost nodded, but something held her back. That was the way it had always felt for her. But she'd been told so many times that she was crazy… and sitting here thinking Zev was capable of shapeshifting into a wolf didn't help her shake that off. 

"Okay, so if I accept that I got to know the real you," she said carefully, "If I accept that the lies were… necessary… what then? What have you been doing, Zev? And why are you stopping now?"

He took his hand off the wheel to rub his jaw. His face got really serious. Like the kind of serious Sasha got when she thought someone was hurt. The face that said once this was done, there was no going back. 

Sasha took a deep breath, bracing herself. No matter what, she was going to follow Zev to the end of this. Wherever that was. So, did it really matter?

She decided that it didn't. 

"Just tell me," she whispered.

Zev blew out a breath. "When I left you, I was taken back to the Chimera for two years," he said quietly, his thumb rubbing on her hand again, but without his awareness, she thought. "They wanted me to lead for a while. Get the others in line."

"But you were so young!" Sasha said. "Why?"

Zev huffed. "Because I'm a good dog," he said bitterly. "And they needed the others to toe the line better. Like me." He shook his head at himself. "But then Nick pulled the same shit there that he did when I left you—convincing me that things were different than they were. Making me think it was my responsibility to fix it. So, I left them too. And it wasn't until I got back to the city and saw a news story about you looking for me and realized you were still out there, convinced that I'd been murdered or whatever… that was when I started seeing things more clearly. But I still… I didn't really get it. Not until recently.

"Sasha, they had me convinced that I was necessary to them. That what I did saved lives. They had me certain that unless I followed orders, people would die—including you!" he said with a quick look at her. "They were lying. Mostly."

She was going to ask, but they were finally approaching the end of this track, where the dirt tire trails passed under a gate. Behind that was gravel, and not far beyond that, a road that linked to the highway.

With a muttered curse, Zev stopped the car and got out to open the gate, then came back to pull the car through. The tires crunched on gravel and she thought he would speed up, but instead he pulled the Jeep over to the side where there was a grass verge. Then he turned it off and turned to look at her. 

"This is your last chance," he said quietly. "Everything I'm about to tell you makes you a target. Being with me makes you a target. A target for people who kill without thinking, Sasha. It's like… another day at the office for them. You need to know that. If Nick gets his hands on you, you will not survive—unless he's damaged you so completely that you could never betray their secrets. And that's no life…" His lips twisted in fear and disgust. He put his free hand to her jaw and stroked her chin with his thumb. "There's no going back after this," he murmured. "Are you sure you want to hear it?"

Visions of men with guns, men suffocating, men fighting and hurting and bones snapping, swam before her eyes. But then Sasha blinked, and found Zev, his brow furrowed, his bright eyes fixed on hers… fear in them.

Not of those men, but of what she might say. 

The look in his eyes answered the call in her heart and she sagged.

"I'm in, Zev," she said without another hesitation. "Tell me."