Forgiveness from Heart

Unlike nights when the whole Wei house turns unceremoniously into a sepulcher, hosting ancient souls and wailing shrieking ghosts of injustice, the first break of dawn never fails to reinvigorate this fated sense of stillness into cheer. Better than that, it often becomes the very incarnation of an avid lover of cheerful, hurried sense of life.

Many figures were rushing here and there in the mansion. Some holding brooms, some sharp knives, some pails of water; rushing back to kitchen-yard and rushing towards the hot and burning earthen stove to appear in front of the chef before he could shout his indignation about being made to wait. Or to get out of his cozy Kang.

A small maid-in-training in a certain corner of the courtyard was once again being pushed to tears by angry shouts of the head-chefs wife. Yet her small, tender hands never ceased to chop and cut vegetables. In her gloomy mind full of despair, she might have been desperately hoping to find a way out, yet the sizzling oil and wafting smell of spices that surrounded her panging stomach awakened her from that bizarre daydream. It was a reverie of two seconds, lost to cruel life, served on silver platters to her masters.

The chef had already awakened the fiery hearth-fire under the eyes of his assistants, and disciples and began to masterfully shove piles of ingredients in order. His eyes often straying left to see whether there were any distracted eyes as he spoke while instructing on the go. Everyone had realized by now that he was open for easy suggestions, easy favor's not too taxing on his nerves. For a week now, the temper of chef Wang had been quite good. Some other faces which had shown bewilderment at first, after spotting the face of young-boy Wang assisting his father in arranging the ingredients, let go of any doubts. It was a happy occasion, indeed. The son had finally stepped over and joined his father in his occupation and the long tradition of passing down skill had finally started in the Wang household. 

At this moment the chef was preparing a simple congee along with other morsels of light, flavorful and easily stomached breakfast dishes. These breakfast items were going to be sent to different courtyards.

"Ninth missy? Breakfast for her too? Wasn't it ordered that there will be personal maids doing that in miss's own kitchen? Ah – the kitchen will prepare the food together? It seems that miss has fully recovered from her illness!" The voice couldn't hold back the strange sense of mockery even with the sweetened trill of concern. This was the best bosom-sister of Wang Chefs wife and Er'yas middle aged mother. She spoke and then scolded and reproached the young maiden cutting her vegetables. 

"What else could it be? Good words, good words. With two elder sisters caring so deeply for her, how could miss disappoint the wishes of her elder? I heard a maid of eldest miss say, she personally took actions and there was soup prepared specially for ninth miss in her kitchen! And people were saying that second miss had replaced the role of eldest miss – how preposterous! Perhaps miss had been so busy with all her duties, she might have disregarded the care of her sister. But who can fault her on this? Tell me, has she suddenly grown four arms and five feet to appear everywhere? But people never forget to speak ill! What with so many ceremonies lined up one after other, and to a prince, hush, marriage to a prince! Can you believe that? I also heard she went to Southern temple outside Jinghai only to seek blessings and to pray for ninth miss's recovery. With all these blessings, even heaven will have to bring back ninth miss health back!" The old matron shelling the beans peeked around and furiously whispered as she talked to Mrs. Wang. She appeared especially ill-humored with Erya's mother tone. 

"Eldest miss had always had the softest heart among the sisters. But pity! It would have been better if her mother were still here to see after her, her daughter. A child without mother is in a way still an orphan. Whose father cares as much as a mother's heart does?" Mrs Wang added but couldn't continue as the figure of Wang chef approached with his bellowing voice.

"What are you gossiping about, you lads? Bring the coriander, and onion leaves from the farm, will you? Also, mother of Er'ya, will the vegetables be ready today or I will have to wait for an auspicious time tomorrow? Are they done – good! It's already so late. Place them as instructed earlier, and you Huang'er – don't always stand talking and laughing – what with the time running so fast and no hands but mine in the pot – how do you expect me to prepare food for so many mouths all alone? If you don't want to work, tell me, I will readily replace your hands and earn more silvers of my own. Or are you so shameless as to ask for pennies without doing anything? Hurry, hurry, look at your faces, always standing idle!"

"Pardon master Wang, we were discussing who will go to ninth miss's courtyard today." The taller of the two assistants, Huang'er tried to shift the anger, hurriedly explaining the source of the conversation. He, unfortunately was seen listening to woman's gossiping by sharp eyed chef Wang. His face looked ashen albeit sweaty as the rest of the people, who were all sweating profusely in the smoke and heat.

"You don't have to take care of that! Lady Daiyu will come and carry miss's breakfast with her. Look in the other stove, is the porridge coming out good?"

"Yes, it's almost done."

"Then what are you waiting for? Imperial order? Or a seal? Go and line up the utensils! Heaven, these lads! As if these peoples head don't grow on their shoulders, everything is always an empty talk! Go, hurry. Always lazing about. You see Chen'er, don't be like them. Don't learn from there ill habits. A good chef never loses his sight of wok once set upon fire. Even with eyes closed you should be thinking only about the temperature, the heat, the level the spices have roasted to and how long till you add the oil. Clear? Yes, good! Don't be like these idlers, can't do something without being told for even once."

*

By this time when the shade of silvery white settled in the belly of dark whale like clouds, the peasants had already left in their empty bullock carts, full of empty baskets and piles of wine jars back to their village's miles away from Jinghai. But not before, there cheers and hollering were heard by that little maiden in the kitchen. She hasn't seen her own hometown for years. Nor heard a single news from her kins. Once upon a time, similar bullocks were prepared once a month to carry huge bags and caskets into the town and city from her own village to be sold. It was as pleasant as the fulfilled faces of those peasant who were returning with their pockets heavy from the fruits of their years labour.

She stood musing looking at the leaving backs of few men and women from the suburbs, with empty baskets over their backs and over their heads who had come to give the days serving of herbs and vegetables, the yearly tribute of wine to the lords...Alas! It was but a distant memory. Something that wasn't even clear whether it was a tale or a dream that she had. It must have been a long ordeal, a forgotten adventure, her being brought inside this mansion. Or else why she couldn't remember any names and faces apart from just glimpses of an unknown past? She had lost her memory, the people said. But she hadn't. She wasn't that completely broke yet.

She had never found that she had lost any trace of that fantasy like village, flickering like sunlight mottled through broad fig leaves. Because she had never been able to feel what that special thing was in these city-dwellers, why hordes of unfamiliar faces gathered for a prosperous dream of city life, she was never unsettled. She found them so mind-boggling in their haughty manners, condescending eyes and bullying, forceful hands. She wanted to cry whenever she thought of them. But where could she escape this life-like prison? There was no sustenance for her, a lonely duckweed. The whole world was crashing on her soul and thus she peered through the cracks opened to her stifled self. A small, insignificant pebble.

*

The mist was once again rolling up over mountain peaks. After few unremitting sunlit days, today was more like a moment awaiting a huge downpour. Shower before the winter. The dawn had bloomed brilliantly in different hues, though the sky lined with black shadowy clouds obstructed this brilliance for a while, but later the world chimed into burst of colors. A soft shower had already started by the time breakfast was being sent around in Wei's mansion. So soft that it felt pleasant to stand under and blow in the wind. The little kitchen maid thought so and raised her head a little. Melancholic, hopeful eyes as if reaching for someone who could answer these pleading eyes of her, beseeching every spirt in the world in that instant. She jerked her head away from the small window in the kitchen, shutting out the rest of the world.

"Lady Daiyu, here this way. Your portion had been prepared already, just ready to be served. It's still hot, good for cold of ninth miss. We have taken special care to not put too much seasonings, as you ordered." Hearing master Wang's voice echoing in the kitchen compounds the little girl swiftly run out from the area with the kitchen wastes collected in her basket. She had to feed these to the pigs in the shelter. And prepare chicken-feed. And cow-feeds as well. The man who was on these duties always found some way or other to make her do it all on her own.

'I am so miserable!' her heart cried out but her feet dragged her unwilling self towards the backyard of the kitchen compound. She had to hurry up if she didn't want to be wet.

"Yes, Yes it can be arranged. There are free hands here all the time. Yunxi! Yunxi, I see you there, you haven't left right. Here go with lady Daiyu. Hurry up." The bewildered village girl who was rushing to feed halted in her steps almost tripping on her feet. She rushed to assist Chef Wang, her heart beating like drum.

See, a moment of surprising, startling steps of fate. Who could have thought, she was just a moment of fragmented afterthoughts. Yunxi, the little maid in waiting was going to be promoted.

*

Soon other hurried voice echoed in the mansion. Every figure was rushing to their posts in the most rushed manner. Many things were wanted, and there were always fewer hands than mouths. And there was the cleaning! The voices were rushing around. And heavy steps rubbing against the ancient stones of paved ground.

Young master Wei Houyu took off with his eldest and second son to take a round in the suburbs. The scholars Academy will not start before the breakfast was done. And these young men had enough time to take a long run in the fresh meadows glistening with dews and small showers. Even in the mild to light shower, with hats on their heads they rushed out on horsebacks. Cloaks floated in the air as three straight-backed figures and horses rushed out of the main-gate headed for south of the town. The dust had settled down in the silver shower in its wake.

Faster and faster, rolling like silvery needles rolling down the heaven, almost piercing the dust, the stoned pavements, few bigger drops, few smaller ones – all over the sky, the thick clouds shrouded, while a swift downpour floated riding in the wind. The air carried the drops off into places far and wide. In the blue mountains, in the small town, in the meadows stretching wide in the south. Everywhere was a breath fresh of malignant signs of any melancholy. The morning was a finally a nice start after the heat of few days. The billowing wind, and even thunders up in the mountains was not altogether an inauspicious omen. Everything was welcome today for the people of Jinghai.

*

In the courtyard of matriarch Wei there was still the old, usual silence. Potent and archaic, swaddled in righteous beliefs of a straight-backed matron.

She could be seen meditating in the usual corner of her chamber, free from intrusive sights of servants or any uninvited guests. Her fingers were rolling the rosary beads her lips silently chanting sutras, but her heart escaped these walls and recalled what the monk at the monastery had warned her. Or rather congratulated her on that surprise visit.

"The following days are pleasant for benefactress! This year, the north star shines near the bridge of carps, the swallow settles home, and magpie ties a vow! There were so many of these good omens! Please prepare, for early shower as well. Merciful is the monk of the Sakya! Though we don't pursue these telltales of Taoists, we look at them for the benefactress with equal eagerness of heart! How long have you been waiting, wishing for a sign to break out from your situation? Lo and behold! Here comes the change, the anomaly! Congratulations."

Her old features were uncharacteristically meditative at the moment. Her heart had been pondering this thing for the whole night, the whole journey back. What was the concept of an anomaly? Someone who was outside the bindings of the fate! And hadn't she abhorred this fate and looked for such a miraculous event all her life? Her father on her dying bed had handed her the charts and whispered those cruel events. Hadn't she been arduously searching for a way out to break the fortress, and escape into the wild? What did it matter then that the world had already sentenced her children to be butchered? If she was successful in identifying that anomaly, she would have a chance to face against the cruel humans who called themselves the messengers of the heaven!

That – that magical thing was the anomaly.

But the matron was surprised, when the lay Buddhist monk with his slight understanding of Taoism had calculated the approximate position of such an anomaly. It was so close by, just under the shadow of the light! She couldn't help wonder. What could have escaped the heavily barricaded house of the Wei's where everyone was continuously under surveillance? Or it must be that there had been a change in the side of elders? Her eyebrows frowned in their distinguished manner as if to make the invisible listener come out and settle her curious, palpitating heart.

After a long time, when she saw the dawn of hope in the long tunnel of endless darkness, the matron was recalling a lot of things from the past.

Today she had been continuously recalling her daughter, Hua'er. There was even this slight emotion, bubbling in her chest as if it wasn't she who recalled but was being remembered. As if her daughter was crying in pain, and looking for her! Even the dream had been a nightmare. She saw her daughter with her happy smile walking towards her daughter-in-law, little Jiang, all draped in red attire as if her own wedding gown. Just the same night of that horrendous wedding. They embraced. A filial image of mother and daughter, at a parting. Had she been jealous of them? Yes, indeed. A mother's heart had panged at that sight, as if she had choked on a particularly astringent wine. But then, they both suddenly turned towards her turning into wrathful spirits chasing her down alleys repeatedly questioning – "why didn't you save us?" She ran, and ran and ran desperately. She wished in that moment that it would have been better if she was deaf and mute. 

'Why didn't you save us? You are our mother; how could you watch with peace when that beast laid his hands on us? Why didn't you save us? We were so young!' As if the voice had been ever-present deep in her heart which she couldn't erase. The wrathful spirit looked anything but like them, yet they were the reflection of the resentment of her own self against the fate. But as if their voices had melded together, they had echoed together. There was the third voice in that questioning, chasing voice too. Her own voice – the harshest one, as ever.

"Why didn't she die before she saw her beloveds being pushed and shoved into hell one after another?"

Even now the palpitation in her heart hadn't settled down. Her age-worn body could really not drag this on any longer. Her death was definitely nearer than she expected. She had been chanting peace sutras for her daughter and her daughter-in-law since she was told of their death. How else could she seek peace for these children otherwise? There were times when she wondered if she had been kinder if she had simply suffocated them with her own hands once she had known what was awaiting them? Had she been more prepared, braver, a bit crueler – she could see herself doing that so decisively. Had her motherly heart harmed her children? Wouldn't death in her hands been the best of the world for them?

There was no medicine for regret.

"For the prosperity of the Wei clan. For the Wei clan! Die a painful death, churn your bones and bleed your body till you are just a husk! For the prosperity of the Wei clan seek the world of the ancestors to pardon your sins, those of you who had been fated to sacrifice. What sins? Whose? Nobody was aware of. Nobody cared. But everyone said there was some sin and all that sin just happened to be spawned in my womb. And my children, one after another, were chosen as the carrier of that shameful blame! How in the world is this fate fair?"

She had seen her brother-in-law being dragged away to death in sacrifice never to be seen again. She had seen and done nothing as her sister-in-law knelt and begged in front of her courtyard all night long in that chilling snow to save her desperate brother. Seen her sister-in-law being dragged away too, married of to distant land, equally never to be heard of again.

She never dreamt that it could reach any further. That it would harm her, the mistress of the Wei house, the wife of one of the Elders. But the fire had nothing more to be fed and it ate itself away. And the result? Death and resentment of being separated from her children again and again, in the most desperate times of her life!

Her daughter-in-law Jiang became the next candidate and her daughter Wei Cuihua who had been brought up as a daughter by Jiang was also dragged into the burning pyre. What kind of prosperity it was, Matriarch could never make out. Which sin, which prosperous fate needed fresh blood each decade to wash off? Who's? Wei's? whose peace and prosperity did it all entail? Because she only felt her children being dragged to be butchered, never enjoying a moment of that so called blessing!

Hadn't her son died the day little Jiang had been dragged away? He was now just a husk of a man, simply living the life as dictated by orders. There was no longer the spirit to sway out of hold, the swords blade had been bent and broken. Oh, how she rejoiced at finding him settled down as time settled, thinking he had learned to bide time. But soon she was equally disappointed in his giving up. There was nothing left in his heart to burn, no wish to live. But he was the piece of her flesh, she could ask for more blessings for him, she had thought. If she dragged on, one day he will wake up from his muddled life of debauchery. But she had found the cruel truth. There was no longer her tiny baby boy anymore in this world! All was lost .What remained was no more than a lecherous coward, that drowned his selfish heart in wine and women! How could he be worthy of little Jiang's sacrifice? Even she was ashamed of his cowardice at moments. When she planned and plotted for betterment and tried her best, he was soiling his hems in brothels and pleasure houses!

If only she had another child! Her other daughters were already a handful of sand. No one knows how or whose hand reached them, the proud daughters of Wei clan. Even she, with all her connections couldn't find how the treacherous bandits got their hands over them. The world simply knows them dead and her Hua'er to be missing. Over the years how many black heads this silver haired old woman had already sent away, she had lost count in all the pain. By now, she was a renowned Master of Funerals in the town. One mourning never ended when the other began. The white clothes still fluttered in the air, tied to the eaves in her house.

Now she just hoped to save the last link in all this trouble. At least her grandchildren's, she didn't want someone to lay a hand on them. After her death she couldn't reach here and see all this filth anyway. But she will save her granddaughters!

Her tiny baby daughter, Hua'er! She had had her after her Yu'er had married little Jiang. Her master hadn't wanted the child to appear before public. Such shame, he said. Why, she had asked. Stricken, ashamed not aware of his bent back. At that time, she hadn't realized the man whom she thought was a giant, with world in his hands was but a cowardly calculating slag of a human, who could even crush the bones of his relative for his own advancement!

That was unfortunately the undoing of her fate. If she hadn't settled for less, never hushed the identity of her own daughter – how could that beast reach out towards them! But she didn't know at that time that she was being pushed into fire. If she accepted once, she will have to swallow again and again, till she had nothing else left in her hands but to unconsciously swallow like a trained dog!

How had he replied? That she should appear as a decent respectful matriarch of the Wei family rather than losing face in front of the world. Her late-born daughter had no fate with her, as the world would look at her and laugh at Master Wei. Master Wei who had promised celibacy to become an elder, but failed to do so. Shame!

The daughter had been an embarrassing existence for the clan – or rather Master Wei himself. A stigma to the master's position. Such scandal could never be tolerated in the Wei house. And as such they had wanted her to kill her newborn.

How could she watch the child she had unknowingly carried to life cease to be? Though she was weak then, she didn't want her child to die without seeing the daylight. She had pleaded before the Wei clan elders, begged on knees. Finally at length, when she had ceased all hope, she was informed that her Hua'er had been spared. But she couldn't be brought up by her. It was her little Yu'er who had fought at length to bring up the child as his own. He forced his father with his death, she was told.

What courage they had shown – her lovely son and daughter-in-law! They stood before the members of council of elders and quarrelled with them till they agreed to not send away the child. So young, so fiery and spirited! Her generals house blood could be glimpsed at that moment. As if the world was filled with another thing called righteousness or truth!

In the swamp called Wei house, she had simply forgotten that she was more than a pig awaiting a date to be butchered.

Then her Hua'er became Jiangs daughter Wei CuiHua.

It was painful separation but not a long one by any means. She had thought she could watch her grow besides her anyway, embrace her to her heart's desire. And then she could try finding a way to bring these truths of her birth to that child and if not apologize tell her how much her heart had always held her close to it. How despairingly helpless her mother was in the face of the cruel tradition of the Wei clan.

Though they might not have the fate of a mother and child but they were still family tied by blood! She had thought there was so much time. To see her grow up, wed into a happy family, leave the Wei house and start a new life, and have children of her own far from the clutches of something similar to her sister's sad fate! There was still so much for her to do in this life! Yet the poor child had only spent her eighteenth birthday and flew away from her grasp. How she hated herself! How she hated how weak she still was after all those years, struggling against that shadowy fate! So helpless as if she was seeing her daughter being dragged away to be butchered just in front of her eyes, with no ashes left to bury for remains.

Who would have thought her husband wouldn't be able to satisfy the desires of the five clan elders? Who would have thought, her husband would calculate the profit and simply push her and her children down the throat of the demon with no pity? He already had another family, another beloved, sons with real ties closer than her own Yu'ers were to him. But in those years she was blissfully unaware. In fact, she was drunk in her own mead of illusory title - the Generals daughter wedded to a Fifth Ranked minister. Her father had held the upper-hand in the early years and she failed to keep up with the changes in time. She didn't realize that when her father fell, she was pushed into the open, free to be attacked and used. 

With no support behind her why wouldn't her husband exploit her? The only sin was her own weakness, her own muddleheaded youth when she thought it would end easily if she took a step back and settled for less. If the day her father reached out, she had bravely stood up and fought with the rest of her own clan against these demons, there wouldn't be anything like this today. She would have died, but she wouldn't have become a shame to her ancestors! The day the General Ning revolted and died – was the day of her pride died.

"Indeed, there is no panacea for regret in the world." 

Later it became routine. She was always bending her back.

Her husband ordered – "We need sacrifice." There was no explanation, similar to the rest of the things that unfolded later and she didn't know what to make of all of this. She was silenced and throttled. But sacrifice they needed and they got. Her earlier refusals to aide her family, or rejection to join the revolt in a show of her loyalty towards the Wei's was a mote, useless promise. She might have done that for the sake of her son, but where was she now? Her son couldn't even inherit the title of the Marquise. Everything was seen as her bending her head down in surrender to power. It actually was that in essence, the matron surmised.

Old matron Wei froze cold as she realized some things were too false to stand scrutiny in the past. Her children's fate, how much they had to suffer she could only imagine and hope it was all a nightmare and she will wake up the next day back in her maiden courtyard when all these things hadn't touched her.

She was sure that no one in the Wei family was actually safe. Especially women, dispensable at every turn. She wasn't even sure if the children she had buried over the years were actually themselves or whether their bones had gotten the chance to enter the ancestral hall. But wouldn't that be too cruel to imagine? Many a times she would delude herself with this, like now. She had always stilled her heart through such a consideration. But actually, in her hearts of heart there was still ringing doubts…

…sacrifice, when did it end? Did it ever stop?

The old matron stilled her shaking hands and put back the rosary beads. She looked deeply at the lines of her palm and sighed. Fate. And now there was an anomaly in that fate.

Once upon a time, she had a wish. A wish that all of this was a nightmare...and she was but an innocent butterfly of her father's courtyard, ready to take a flight off into the sky...

...maybe on her death day, she will turn into a free, unfettered butterfly and make her way back to her kins...

Ashamed, but just like a chastised child full of hope for forgiveness.