Certified Doormat

There's no excuse for my stupidity this time.

I had somehow succeeded in out-stupiding myself because I was now hiding myself in a bathroom stall with Vincenzo's jacket and I had sewn the patch on myself. I wanted to believe I did it out of fear of offending the guy I know to be a huge bully. I was actually very afraid of refusing and getting harassed or beaten up because I'd definitely die then, and no one had my back.

I shiver at the very thought of it. But truthfully I was hopeful that the friendship has taken a turn that will lead us to bed.

Dammit, Danny! You promised yourself that you wouldn't give into him anymore! You promised yourself but you still said "ok, I'll sew your jacket" like a lovestruck idiot! Since when did you become a tailor?

I really am just seriously crazy! This wasn't funny whatsoever! Stupid! Do you actually think He's sorry about anything?! I'm so disappointed in myself for being so easy! I don't know how this keeps happening either, I just wanted to cry myself to sleep from the shame I felt.

Once that first tear broke free, the rest followed in an unbroken rhythm. That's why I've been holed up in the bathroom by myself like this. I'm such a fucking idiot! I hate that I can only be like this when it came to Vincenzo!

Motherfucker! That punk ass bitch! He doesn't deserve my kindness ever again!

One day I'll kill him. I'll break his fucking neck and just end it for him!

I spent the next ten minutes wiping my nose before exiting the bathroom stall. Quickly I washed my face ignoring how I didn't look like I was getting better or even stable. My shameful crying just made me look a bit sicker. I would kill for just a bit of color in my cheeks. 

Exiting the bathroom with a new face mask, I strolled down the hallway by myself as usual. It was times like this that I hated Vincenzo the most. Would it be so bad to just have someone I can vent my real feelings too? Crying alone in a bathroom stall wasn't helping anymore.

I couldn't help but feel more pathetic.

"Hey, why are you walking so slow?" I heard Vincenzo say next to me. He always found me at times like this, when I was most emotional and resentful of myself, and made me feel worse.

"No reason," I frowned squirming as we exited the school. Two people ran full speed past me causing me to lose my balance. There was nothing to grab onto so braces myself to fall in the pavement. But the ground didn't come, instead I fell right into open Vincenzo's arms.

I couldn't help but be dazed at this moment. He smells like fucking pine trees! It's so hot! I stayed Dow. Just long enough for it not be weird. I stood straight steadying myself.

"You ok?" He asked. Like he cared, he didn't even take me seriously.

"That birthday party you spoke about earlier, do you want to go?" I asked him.

"Yeah," he said immediately. I guess that's a night sleeping outside.

"Just tell your parents that we're studying somewhere else and I'll-"

"Do you want to go?" Vincenzo asked. Why did he just invite me to something? We haven't hung out in 6 years and barely spoken for 4 years, so why was he acting all chummy with me now.

"What?"

"Let's go to that party. I was hoping I'd get to go with you," Vincenzo smiled his bright smile he usually had with his friends. "It's just a back to school party and we haven't had fun in a while."

"Oh," I sighed. I wasn't expecting him to remember the birthday of someone he didn't give a shit about, but it hurt to confirm that he probably had no idea. I haven't even celebrated it with him in almost ten years but if it came from Vincenzo, I could forgive it.

"What? I won't make you drink again," Vincenzo promised. Last time I went to a party with Vincenzo, it had to end early because he had basically spiked my juice with vodka and my body reacted horribly to it. I was in the hospital because of that damage. 

Turns out I was allergic to ingesting alcohol.

Vincenzo rushed me to the hospital, but as my dad and I were already in financial trouble, we left against the doctors advice. Vincenzo had lied and told them I had wanted to try alcohol so I got badly drunk.

Even worse, when I had returned to school, i was a social pariah just because I had gotten sick. I had later found out that a really popular person had gotten in trouble for supplying drinks to underaged people and Vincenzo was on their side. 

He never apologized for that, thinking back. I think a part of me blames myself for even going to that party back then. I knew he didn't really care about me but I still put myself in his care because I've known him all my life....and I couldn't say no to him.

"Ok, I'll go," I sighed. "Might as well celebrate?"

"Aren't you too young to be partying before your funeral?" Vincenzo asked. Ouch.

"I'm not.....what the actual fuck was that?" again I didn't find that joke funny. Just hurtful. "You just fucking asked me!"

"Relax, it's just a joke."

"It doesn't feel like one."

"We used to joke about it all the time! God, when did you become so serious?" Vincenzo threw his hands up in frustration. He used to joke about it with his friends. I just hated to joke around about stuff like this, it's not me being serious. Beside you make it sound like you want me to die sooner!

"Fuck off," I hissed. "You don't know shit."

"You started cursing a lot more too," Vincenzo pointed out. What qualifies this guy to criticize me so heavily? I can't remember not being like how I am now. "A-anyway, how about that party?"

"You should shut the fuck up if you really want to go," I advised. 

Regardless of how I felt that everything was wrong, including Vincenzo's apology, I still went to that party.

The messy house was almost completely trashed by the time we had gotten there. Riddled with drunk teenagers that I had almost tripped over, I was reminded that this particular group was insanely rowdy and useless like the beer bottles in their hands. As I stepped over the bodies, I finally decided to acknowledge the too loud music playing everywhere. The tunes sounded like mainstream hip hop, where I was a grunge metal kind of guy.

I was right, this party was going to feel awful.

"Hey, Dan!" Vincenzo smiled at me with his friends. He was already on his third beer by this point. "How you liking the party so far?"

It smells like teen spirit and failure and I'm incredibly bored. I don't know anyone and you abandoned me the minute we walked in the door. "It's cool."

Vincenzo slapped me on my back playfully ignoring my winces every time. "Loosen up, Dan! Stop being such a stuffy guy!" He shoved a bottle of beer into my hands. "Drink this! You need it more than anyone else in the room."

I smiled and placed the beer bottle on a table beside me hoping it would just be forgotten. "Thanks but I might take off early. We have school tomorrow and I don't like the music very much."

"I forgot. You listen to the screaming shit," Vincenzo laughed.

"It's metal." I corrected him.

"I like metal too!" Ashton had suddenly appeared on the other side of me. "Alice in chains?"

"What?" I asked not able to hear him over a beat drop. Vincenzo had suddenly grabbed us both and whipped out his phone to take a picture of the three of us. "What are you-"

"Shut up and smile!" Vincenzo demanded before snapping the picture. In it I could clearly see the drunk faces having fun and not giving a shit, except for mine. I looked like I was photoshopped in because of my sickly complexion. I hate taking pictures! I always look like a skeleton.

"Should I get you a drink?" Ashton asked.

"I can't drink," I bluntly said. Ashton nodded and led me onto the almost empty patio which was a lot quieter. "Thanks, I wasn't sure what to do in there."

"No problem, I keep seeing you just look pissed off," he explained. "I actually wanted to talk to you alone for a bit. We're you forced to come here or something?"

"No, I just got the invite."

"Are you not having fun?" Ashton ruffled my hair in his hands gently. I hope he wasn't disgusted by the the strands that are falling out. 

"No," I sighed. "This isn't my scene. I hate going to things like this. I'm just glad it's quiet somewhere. I don't really belong here in a crowd."

"I think you belong here. Maybe it's just because you need a friend to go to these parties with. Honestly I'm no good at these things at all. I become restless and anxious and it feels weird to be alone, even though everyone around me doesn't even care. I'm glad I saw you though."

"I did come with a friend."

"Vincenzo?" 

"Yeah."

"Hm," Ashton looked skeptical but let it go. "Any reason you chose today to go out with that guy?"

"It's my-"

"Yo!" Vincenzo had busted through the patio doors. Ashton immediately turned away from me looking a bit pissed off for some reason. "There you are! They're starting karaoke in there! You should come in the and sing Dan!"

"No, I'm good," I muttered. 

"Come on and sing! You're not sick anymore!" Vincenzo begged.

"Dude, he doesn't want to," Ashton told him.

"He can tell me himself, Ash," Vincenzo totally ignored everything I just said.

"He literally just said no!" Ashton pointed out. It's really fucked up how a stranger had my back more than Vincenzo ever had.

"I'm going to find a bathroom," I sighed.

"Hey, you're not trying to dip off without me, are you? Leave with me later," Vincenzo said grabbing my hands and pleading with me. While he looked at me he slipped a small stuffed dog into my hands."Take this, I just won it in a beer pong!"

What the hell am I even doing here? Maybe I didn't want to refuse so I just came to avoid arguing. Yeah, it's not that I couldn't refuse, it's that I didn't want to refuse. Have I ever said no to him when he's looked directly at me before?

No, not once. You could've gotten rid of me a number of times as well.

Like when I made a small cake for you in home ec because you asked me to make one for you on Valentine's Day. We were in the same class even back then, so we both made cakes. I baked it with emotion and poured all my love and care into it as the teacher told us to do.

When I had handed you my cake after we had arrived home, you told me that you gave all of yours to some girl I didn't even know you had a crush on, but I still let you have mine. You smiled at me when you took it and told me it looked good.

The next morning, it was on top of the trash can, as if you wanted me to see what you really thought of my feelings. I remember the chest pains I started to feel after that, but even back then, I still stupidly went along with whatever you wanted.

I don't know why I can't refuse you. I wish I could've taken all my feelings, and just like you, thrown them out that day.

I should throw this stupid toy out, right? Even though Vincenzo is taking the initiative to try and be around me, we weren't that close to be doing things like this.

Ultimately, I couldn't throw it away. 

I think I'm ok with that though, since Vincenzo had apologized to me for everything. Now that I think about it, the stuffed dog kind of looked like Vincenzo in a way and that why I wanted to keep it. 

It's large eyes haunted me almost all night.

"You're here early," Vincenzo finally joined me at the bus stop.

"Morning, how are you," I asked. Vincenzo looked awful as he drank way too much since yesterday. Did he like punishing his body like that? "Did you sleep in? Your hair is messy."

"Yeah," Vincenzo bent down a bit so I could see it. Oh, right. He used to make me fix his hair up a bit every time he slept in so the girls wouldn't be put off by him. And I almost impulsively fixed him up! "Why aren't you fixing it?"

"I'm not your mom," I held both of my hands behind my back. I could hear the camera shutter go off on his phone. 

"What the fuck?" I snapped at him. "Why the picture?"

"You just looked nice today," Vincenzo flashed me that genuine smile that just melted my heart. I was screaming internally at whatever it was I just heard. A simple compliment like that making me blush like a teenage girl, and it was from my long time crush.

"Sh-shut the hell up, stop making fun of me," I turned from him as the bus started to pull up to us. I should at least try to keep a straight face in front of this guy. He won't get the satisfaction from me!

"Fine," Vincenzo sighed. "When did you get so close with Ashton? He keeps asking about how you're doing."

"Why, because I'm sick?" I asked him. Why did Vincenzo's friend want to worry about me? "We've only met a few times so it's not like we're friends."

"He said you guys were friends. What'd you tell him to make him take your side like that? Don't tell me you're pining over that loser."

"What the fuck are you talking about? I just said I only met the guy a few times, we're not close." I snapped. 

"Fine, give us a smile, Dan!" Vincenzo put up his phone to take a photo of us both. I couldn't muster up the strength to smile at it because this is weird as fuck. Why are we starting to do this now?

Even I had to agree with Martin when he brought it up later in the day. "Look, I don't care about that guy, Vinny, but it's a little weird how close you guys suddenly started being. You're taking all those pictures with him and it's getting really annoying. Is he about to die or something?"

"I don't think so," Vincenzo shrugged. 

"I'm not dying anytime soon," I glared at him. "I just look sick."

"Why? Wanna get in on this? Danny will take a picture with you for ten bucks." Vincenzo offered.

"Get out of here, asshole!" Martin laughed. "Why would I want pictures with a hospice patient like him? It'll only make me sad."

"Ha!" Vincenzo and Martin burst out laughing like that was the funniest thing that they had ever heard. I glared at them both, but they didn't seem to notice that I was pissed. 

I won't allow myself to cry.

"Hey!" Ashton had ran over to us as we walked through the school pavilion. "How are you, today, Dan. I forgot to get your number at the party so I just asked this guy if you got home alright, but he totally left me on read." Why was he so concerned about me? We don't even know each other!

"I'm doing fine," I assured him. "Why'd you ask about me?"

"Because we're friends."

"He doesn't have any friends," Martin chimed in.

"Give me your number, Dan," Ashton smiled excitedly at me, completely ignoring Martin. In broad daylight I could see that even though Ashton was a big guy, he was a huge softie. He wasn't fat or skinny, just a big pile of muscle, but his fierce looking face reminded me of a cute stubborn kitten or maybe a Doberman, and his enthusiasm was too much for me to bear.

I gave Ashton my number. For the first time in a while, I ended up having a number other than my dad and Vincenzo's on my phone, and it felt really good.

"Ok, now you have it," I said putting my phone away as soon as he called me.

"Awesomeness!" Ashton looked way too happy to receive a normal ass phone number. "Here, want to see me wrestling?"

"Sure?" I shrugged, not knowing full well how to handle such a pushy guy. Ashton turned his phone sideways and started to play a video. Ashton was in his wrestling unitard and the first thing I noticed was that Ashton, while he looked extremely defined, definitely looked the strongest among all the men. He had pushed himself hard compared to everyone else, but it was all placed really nicely. 

His happy go lucky aura looked complete gone for a more menacing and serious kind of look. When he slammed the other guy on the ground with such force I couldn't help but jump back in surprise. 

"Did that scare you?" Ashton asked.

"No, it was just unexpected," he goes from giant fluffy dog to monster cocaine bear in a match. "It was really really cool."

"Was it?" Ashton smiled and looked embarrassed. He ran his hand through his slicked back blond hair before he leaned close and whispered in my ear. "Oh, before I forget, happy belated birthday. Next year, we'll do it big."

"N-next year?"

"You don't plan on staying in touch?"

"He'll probably be dead by then," Vincenzo laughed.

"That's not very funny. In fact, it's distasteful," Ashton finally turned his attention from me to Vincenzo. Thank god he said something. Maybe it'll finally get thru to Vincenzo that I hated that kind of joke at my expense if it came from someone he knew.

"Relax, it was a joke." Vincenzo tried.

"No, it wasn't. Jokes are funny, but you're the only one laughing," Ashton sneered. 

"Stop being such a bitch man."

"Get over yourself Vinny, before you become a complete asshole."

Vincenzo looked at me like he expected me to defend him like I always did. His expectant look turned into annoyance when I stayed quiet. Did he expect me to say it was no big deal even though I've always told him how I hated those jokes. Even Ashton could tell that the jokes weren't funny or normal. Nothing about his cruelty at my expense was funny.

"Ugh, shut up, Ashton," Martin demanded. "Don't butt in. These two have been friends since birth. They're like two peas in a pod."

"That's right, we're friends. Close friends. Besides he'd fit right in my pocket," Vincenzo confirmed smugly. 

"Really?" Ashton sounded like he wasn't convinced.

Barf, I'm actually starting to enjoy this.

"Oh, time for me to go to football practice," Vincenzo waved goodbye to us.

"If we get any print outs from class, I'll bring them to you after school," I said. It was frustrating that sports started in the beginning of the school year and in the middle of a school day sometimes.

"I'll help you out if you need it," Ashton smiled at me. 

"Thank you," I said. It's Friday, so that meant Vincenzo had a detention to make up. If he missed practice, his parents would definitely call me and he'd get in trouble. I don't think I wanted to know the consequences of that.

Instead of sitting down and studying in detentions, our school made you clean, hence there only being one janitor for the entire property. So I had gotten right to work on cleaning in Vincenzo's place as soon as the bell rang, after I signed in for him of course.

It was hard work, and the smell of ammonia reminded me of the my unpleasant hospital stays, but I powered through it like a champ. The boys bathroom needed a good scrub anyway. When I was done, I was pretty sure I could eat food off the toilet.

I sent Vincenzo a text when I had finished but he still had another hour of practice to go. He told me to just get back to cleaning and he'll call me when he's done. So I joined another student in the hallway to help them clean windows.

"Huh? Weren't you cleaning the bathroom earlier?" I whipped my head around to see a curious Ashton.

"Ah, Vincenzo had to stay at practice," I explained why I wasn't going home just yet.

"Ah, I'm so jealous that he even has a best friend that'll help him do detentions," Ashton whined. Best friend? That's something I never thought I would hear in my lifetime. "Let me help you out. I just finished practice so I have free time and I need to work my arms out."

Before I could answer him, Ashton took the cleaning rag from my hands and had me sit and hold his gym bag. He took over from where I left off giving me some well needed rest time. I swear this guy always popped up at the correct times.

"Hey! Where's Vincenzo DeVellis?" The class rep had asked Ashton mid cleaning. "The teachers are looking for him!"

What? "With anything related to Vincenzo, you can just ask Danny, right there." Ashton gestured to me.

"The teacher? Vincenzo's at football practice, why are they looking for him?" I asked.

"He's not here?! The teacher said if I can't find him he would go look for him. He couldn't be even try to follow the teachers orders for once!" The class rep seethed. "Now I have to look for that guy?!"

"That was weird," Ashton pointed out after the class rep stormed off. "He said that's where he was going."

"Aren't you two friends?" Ashton should know better than me where he was.

"Not really, I mean, people consider us friends but I don't really feel any friendship from him. He's just faking nice anyway. If anything Martin is his only friend, that why I was surprised when Martin said you guys were friends," Ashton explained.

I wonder why the teachers are looking for a guy at football practice. "What do I do?"

"Text him or something, let him know," Ashton told me. So I messaged him to let him know. I never got a reply so when Ashton finished cleaning, I let him drive me home.

Ashton was a nice change of pace for me. It felt like for the first time in a long time, I could speak my mind and really smile.

"I really enjoy hanging out with you," Ashton ruffled my hair again. "It's nice to see you pop a smile for once." 

"For once?"

"You just look angry or miserable lately, I was wondering what I could do to turn that frown upside down," Ashton told me. "Turns out you just needed a bit of normal fun. Are you upset about something?"

A few things, but I don't think we're close enough for that to be disclosed. "Not really. I just usually have a hard time."

"Well feel free to talk to me about it when you get more comfortable with me. How about I pick you up tomorrow morning?" Ashton looked to excited for me to decline his kindness. I wondered what I could have done or said to make a friend like him, but I was grateful enough.

As promised Ashton picked me up for school bright and early. I didn't bother letting Vincenzo know since he wouldn't respond to the texts I sent about the teachers looking for him. He probably handled it himself anyway, but it would still be nice to get a text after all I put up with yesterday.

"Vincenzo DeVellis!" A teacher busted into the room angrily looking around the classroom. Ashton bumped me with his elbow.

"He went to football practice earlier. I messaged him but he hasn't answered," I told the angry teacher.

"Then is Daniel Cunningham here?" He asked. Shit! I raised my hand. He looked at me and sighed sympathetically. Not good, I have a bad feeling about this. "Come to the office with me, now please."

I nodded and started to close my books up. "If you're there too long, I'll bring your stuff. We have the next class together anyway."

"Ok, thanks," I told him before following the teacher to the office. 

When we finally reached the stuffy office, the teacher opened a window to air out the room and pull up a seat for me. After I sat he poured me a cup of water and motioned for me to drink up.

I guess I was a bit thirsty right now.

"Are you and Vincenzo step brothers or half brothers?" The teacher asked me.

"Neither, we're just....friends," that friend word tasted awful on tongue when talking about Vincenzo. Compared to Ashton, who I've known for only three days, I've quickly started to accept that Vincenzo was not my friend.

"Why is the contact for your fathers the same?" It's the same thing that happens every year, just a different teacher. Assumptions suck. 

"Our parents are very good friends and Vincenzo's parents are usually working or on a date so my dad tends to handle these kind of school things." I told him.

"Do you consider Vincenzo a good enough friend? Would he tell you if something was wrong or going on at home?"

"Maybe...I don't really know, sir. Um, what's this about?"

The teacher took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes in frustration. "I see. The reason I called you instead of Vincenzo is because from I was told from your dad is that Vincenzo came this year to play football on the team. He said he even gave him some money to use for it. But I was speaking to the coach yesterday and he said there's no one by that name on the team."

To be honest, I don't know what the fuck that asshole was thinking anymore.

"So what do you want me to do?" I rubbed my temples as well. "I don't know if you've noticed but it's not like I can do much to change anything if I tried."

Oh god my head hurts and my joints were aching. The teacher sent me back to class without asking me to do more but apologized for stressing me out. To avoid longer conversation, I told him I'll try and find out what's actually happening.

All I knew was that I was lied to.

After school I headed out on my own a little too pissed off to properly say goodbye to Ashton, still he kept me company and helped me when I needed it while trying to make me smile. He's too good to be friends with someone like that asshole.

Vincenzo had played football since we were in elementary school. Our school had a little junior team and on his first round of try outs, he made the team to everyone's surprise. He never really showed an interest in the sport so I just assumed it was something his parents pushed him too. Nevertheless, Vincenzo was really good at it. 

From then on, he was the best in our school, according to everyone else. He even won several trophies for his excellence in sports. My dad made us go to support every event he was honored at, so I know he put in the work. There was a time that football and Vincenzo were inseparable. As school or at home it became he entire identity.

So I thought that football was the reason he chose to come here to this school. I don't understand why he didn't just join the team? Or if he didn't want to join the team, why would he keep telling us he did.

"Why the long face?" I heard Vincenzo from behind me. When I turned I heard his phone camera shutter once again. "It kind of ruins the picture."

"Then don't take a fucking picture of me! Maybe I don't want to take pictures."

"You smile with Ashton, give me a smile for the picture."

"I don't want to idiot!"

"You're the idiot!"

"Hey, Danny, my little brother is visiting from studying abroad." Vincenzo had a younger brother, Giacomo, who was studying in Rome, he would come by and visit whenever he could. He was an little Angel compared to Vincenzo. "I need you to stop by and make sure he eats dinner."

"Why? Because you have practice? Does it even run that late?" I rolled my eyes at him. He doesn't know that I already know that he's a filthy fucking liar.

"Nah, I'm hanging out with some friends," Vincenzo admitted. 

"Then you're skipping practice?" I asked him. Come on, Vincenzo. At least tell me of all people. I don't want to be lied to!

"Is that really so important?" Vincenzo stopped in his tracks and stared me right in the eye as if he were about to get really mad. Of course this is important. "Are you going to do it or not?"

"What if I have plans already?"

"Cancel them."

"Ugh, just get back as soon as you can," I didn't have the strength to argue with him. This isn't just important, it's serious.

As I now sat across from Giacomo, who was happily eating the food I made him, I couldn't help but feel slighted. What should I do to get him to talk without being too obvious?

If I had any evidence maybe he'd just come clean and do the right thing. After all, it's not like Vincenzo is a complete lost cause.

"Thank you for the meal," Giacomo smiled at me. "Why don't you take a siesta, Dan? You're not looking so good right now. I'll wash the dishes."

What a good kid. Now I could look in Vincenzo's room, right? "I think I'll do that, thank you, Giacomo."

I tiptoed into Vincenzo's room. The floor was cold and gritty and dust crumbs and who knows what else clung to my bare feet. My only light came moon and shone in through the slit in the curtains, so little that I could barely make anything out. I crept around, trying not to gag at the smell of sweat and teenage delinquency. 

Looking around, I noticed how this went from a room full of memories of our friendship, to something unrecognizable. Nothing I ever bought him for birthdays or just because he asked me too is in here. No doubt, thrown out like that cake I made him.

On the floor, I could make out a twisted lump of sheets, and took a few seconds to gather up the courage to see what was under it. 

Just a football that smelled new. Even to my untainted eye, I could tell that it had never been used before.

"What are you doing?" The lights suddenly flipped on scaring me. Vincenzo had finally came back home. Took him long enough. "Did Jack eat?"

"Yes."

"What'd he eat?" 

"Just some leftover pasta fagioli and I made him some chicken and veggies."

"Then why are you still here?" Vincenzo asked rudely. He could just say thank you.

"I was looking around your room and I found something," I tossed the football from hand to hand. "I found this football, I guess you aren't using it at practice since it still smells so new. It's like a good-" 

I was cut off by Vincenzo snatching the football from my hands and him roughly pushing me down. I fell to the floor in shock as Vincenzo had never physically attacked me before. My ass hurts from the fall, but I didn't dare speak up or cry in front of this guy.

"You know something? You've been talking a lot more these days. It's really fucking annoying," Vincenzo stood over me so menacingly, that I had to drop my head for fear I might see him attack me.

"N-no, I just-"

"I'm home now, so you can just leave," I heard him say. Why does he get to have the last word every time? I didn't do anything to him to ever deserve this kind of treatment! If he was going to just be like this, why did he insert himself back into my life after I had gotten him fully out of it?

Just to drag me back into his crap like he always does? 

Maybe I was the problem here. This scene felt too familiar. How many times had he gotten mad at me over nothing, I kept on trying to gain his forgiveness. I kept on running to him like a goddamn loser every time he got a little bit upset.

I was once told that whoever likes a person first is a disadvantage. My body is all bruised and bettered metaphorically, and I can't count the number of times I've lost to him. I shouldn't even be doing this anymore, but I kept hoping every time that'd things could go back to normal.

But every time I look at him, he's coldly staring down at me, not caring that I was incredibly hurt, and I keep on letting him do this to me.

I'm so tired.

I got up from the floor and left only stopping to bid farewell to Giacomo and give him a hug. Fuck my life! I'm such an idiot and I can't even tell anyone why.

From my loss of sleep and crying all night, I woke up sick, so I stayed home for a day. Unfortunately, the day after I was not sick enough to miss school. I couldn't help but be angry at the fact and I stayed angry for about two more days silently until it boiled over and I went off on a teacher by telling him exactly what a pig face shitty teacher he was.

I even got a lunch detention for sleeping during class. I had to clean up the teachers bathroom as punishment.

"Ugh, it smells like shit," Ashton said as he tied a garbage bag for me.

"Sorry to ask you to help with this." I apologized to Ashton wholeheartedly. He was the only light at the end of this tunnel for me.

"It's fine. I feel like you've been seriously distracted a lot lately," Ashton tied the garbage bag and grabbed a broom to help me sweep. "You've got quite a mouth on you. I've never heard someone call a teacher a 'Pig faced shit' before."

"You heard that?" I felt embarrassed now.

"Yeah."

"Why don't you ask?"

"You don't seem to want to talk about it, but if you want to tell me what's up, I'm all ears," 

"Are you now?" Would it be too much if I opened up a bit about my troubles. It would be nice.

"Yeah, if anyone's bothering you, you can tell me, I'll make them stop," Ashton smiled at me. 

"No one's bothering me," I told him. I'm just grateful that He was willing to hear me, still I didn't want to ruin a friendship over my own personal problems. Still, it was noticed that I haven't been myself. All day two words kept consistently in my head.

Vincenzo and football.

It's pure torture trying to hide things from the adults. Yesterday, at the hospital, my dad and I had bumped into Vincenzo's mom. She look so genuinely happy and excited to see me. She even thanked me for taking care of Vincenzo for her.

I now have a fear of her because of this. I saw how she beat up Vincenzo when he was in trouble, I couldn't help but wonder if I would receive the same treatment. I didn't know what the fuck I was supposed to even do about this.

Damn it! This is all so easy to solve. I can use say that Vincenzo had lied to me as well, because that is the truth! I should just give up and let him take the fall for everything.

But I'll give him a chance to take responsibility for this entire mess. I'll tell that guy to either join the team or come clean to everyone and leave me out of his mess. 

But if I do that, Vincenzo will hate me even more because that wouldn't be something he wanted to hear. The real question was if I had the guts to be completely hated by him? Well....maybe? I had just barely gotten into his good graces in the first place. 

"Let's go, Danny," Ashton said before flicking water in my face. He'd just freshly washed his hands and came closer to me.

"Huh?" 

"You're spacing out again. I'm not sure what about, but let's go somewhere you can space out that doesn't smell like absolute shit," Ashton pleaded. 

"R-right!" I agreed and washed my hands quickly. 

I silently followed Ashton out of the bathroom as two of Martin's friends, who bothered me all of middle school, entered the room. Luckily I don't think they saw me thanks to Ashton's huge body blocking my frail one.

"Lunch is on me," I told him. "Thanks to you I finished early."

"Sweet! Im a big boy though, can your wallet handle my stomach?"

"I got you, Ashton." I chuckled at his frivolousness.

It's well known around school that if you went to the cafeteria when Vincenzo was there, you'll never get anywhere because there was always a huge crowd around that asshole. But seriously, how is this guy getting more popular every day.

After we got our food Ashton walked right up to him with me in tow without any problem, but for me, every minute was uncomfortable. 

"If we go there, are we bringing Danny?" Ashton suddenly asked.

"Where?" I dreaded hearing an answer.

"Jennifer wanted to go so there's probably not enough space for him," Vincenzo continues his conversation with them as if I didn't exist. Not once did he acknowledge my presence, and it was starting to piss me off more that I was so used to this.

"Ashton, I'm going to the nurse," I said before getting up with my bag of chips.

"You need any help? Are you feeling alright?" Ashton looked pretty worried.

"I'll make it just fine. It's just time for my medicine," I lied. My medicine was in my bag and I already took it, but he didn't need to know that.

When I got out of the cafeteria, I was slightly relieved to be able to think by myself without someone trying to speak to me.

Vincenzo was my first love, but nowadays I'm just tortured by memories of the past and disappointment. It left me feeling more pathetic than ever.

"That's Vinny's servant boy!" I heard someone yell.

"You know the hospice guy?"

"Everyone knows him and how he used to follow Vincenzo around like he was his mom. Oh yeah, Martin beat the shit out of him in front of the entire school once. I saw it with my own two eyes, it was hilarious!"

"Nothing like watching a good beat down. This guy couldn't come to school for month, everyone thought he died."

"Danny!" I heard Vincenzo snap from behind me. This was the last guy I wanted to see at the moment. These guys were talking shit about me, and no doubt Vincenzo heard everything they said, but he wouldn't do anything to actually help me in this situation, just like always. "I was looking for you. Why aren't you at the nurse, why're you here?"

"We were just about to talk to him," Martins friends smiled deviously at me and got closer.

"Good, I need to talk to him first but it's too loud here, let's go now," Vincenzo ordered. He turned and started to walk away obviously expecting me to follow him silently.

He knew I would, and I did.

In a way I felt like I had been saved from a tough situation and I hated that I couldn't help but feel grateful. He saved me so I have to help him back.

"Hey!" Vincenzo snapped his fingers in front of my face. "Is your brain dying too? Did you listen to anything I just said?"

"I need to talk to you about Football." Vincenzo always closed himself off from me in particular. Usually it happens without any kind of warning. At first I thought he was just being bitchy, but then I realized that something about me bothered him. Every time he ignored me, I did and said everything I could to get back on his good side and not annoy him anymore. This incident would keep repeating over the years without fail, until I realized last year that I was just an idiot who jumped and reacted to whatever Vincenzo wanted.

I hated the doormat I had become, so I tried my hardest to cut off all ties. I'd barely managed to get him off my mind, yet here I am again.

"Who did you tell about the Football thing?" 

"What?"

Vincenzo violently grabbed a handful of my shirt and pulled me up until I was on my tiptoes. Now I was scared. "Who else knows about it?!"

"The math teacher, the coach....and it's only a matter of time before you parents-"

"Do me a favor and stay out of my sight from now on. Just looking at you is making me sick."

"I didn't tell anybody yet because I didn't want to get you in trouble. I think it's best to just join the team or come clean about it before-"

"Shut the hell up! You think you have the ability to help me out? Why would I ask for the help of a hospice patient? I swear, when you act like this it makes me want to beat the shit out of you more. You're lucky I haven't already done so," Vincenzo let me go and went his separate way.

This is the last straw.

It seems so anticlimactic to me. To have known each other since birth and to just end like this on bad terms. For no fucking reason.

I thought about this all the way home after school ended. Of course, Ashton tried his hardest to take my mind off whatever was bothering me, but no dice.

When I reached home, I just figured it was time to think rationally. This mess effected the both of us to an extreme degree. Right now isn't the time to argue about who's right and who's wrong. 

I'll swallow my pride, apologize, then we'll figure something out. Then everything will stop being so stressful.

"Are you going to see Vincenzo?" Dad asked. I guess he was working from home today.

"Yeah," I told him.

"Good, his dad left his bag here and it has his cellphone in it. He can't afford to lose-"

"Ok dad, I'll bring it over," I grabbed the bag and started on my way next door but stopped when I heard the phone buzz a few times. It wouldn't hurt look at a business mans phone, right? Maybe there's dirty pictures on here.

I pulled it out to see that he had text from Vincenzo about me. I really shouldn't snoop to see what Vincenzo was telling his father, but I couldn't help myself. I opened the message and to my shock, Vincenzo said he was hanging out late with me.

With me? Late? I scrolled up farther and felt my stomach turn. The day of the party, he had asked his dad to go but he said no unless he took me with him. Several texts after that was Vincenzo begging his father not to take me. The next was that photo Vincenzo took of me at the party and his dad saying to have fun.

The next few texts were a mix of the pictures he took of me and him straight up lying to his dad about where he was. 

So that's why he approached me huh?

Before I knew it I had stomped over to their front door and banged on the door. After a couple seconds the phone dinged again. It was a message from Vincenzo. A picture of me when I was sitting with Ashton and a lie saying that he was with me.

I looked up to an open door and a surprised Vincenzo.

"I'll be late, I'm hanging out with Danny and then you sent my picture," I read the message out loud dropping all formalities. "So this is what that was? I was wondering why you kept taking so many pictures of me, so I guess you needed it for this."

"Let's talk inside," Vincenzo sighed as if I was annoying him.

"I don't want to fight in front of your younger brother. He shouldn't hear me tell you what an absolute piece of shit you grew into and how fucked up of a role model his older brother is." I spat at him.

"Are you crazy?"

"Fuck you, you asshole! You're the worst! You're nothing but some pathetic wannabe delinquent! You're-" Vincenzo had snatched me up my throat and I felt like I couldn't breathe. In desperately swatted at the hand that was grabbing me and In return I received a hard slap to my face that knocked me down.

My face was on fire.

"I understand wanting to get your feelings out, but you're not going to go against me. You're pissed off because you got used? I should be the one who's mad, who do you think had to put up with you all this time."

"You say it like I'm some random person you met in the street. We've been friends since we were born...at least I keep thinking that we are. Why are we...," I trailed off when Vincenzo burst into laughter.

"Don't tell me you actually thought we were really friends! When have I ever treated you like a friend? I've never thought of you as my friend! Someone like you doesn't deserve it."

"You must be pissed, but like always, I have no idea why. You say you never thought of me as a friend, but I definitely have memories of us being friends. When did that change between us?" I asked him straight.

Vincenzo sucked his teeth, spit on the ground in front of me and grabbed his fathers things before disappearing inside.

Maybe things had already changed in middle school or even back in elementary school. If it all started when we first met, then just what the fuck have I been doing with my life all these years.

I pulled out my phone and immediately called Ashton.