Perfectly fair

"Minoorruuuu. Get off my face, I'm suffocating." I snap, causing my furry cat to scram. "I get it, you're hungry, chill."

And thus begins another day. The same process as before repeats itself with none but slight differences, I wake up, I start my day, I brew tea, Dad leaves--sometimes he stays, depends, she leaves after bitching to me about something, I ignore and finish my assignments, I finish my extracurriculars and am left with the evening to do what I want.

"Abereru" I repeat, writing down, '暴れる' on a flashcard. I flip it over, "to act violently; to rage; to struggle...huh, got it."

I move on, "Aishou, Aishou, Aishou" I repeat a few times over, quickly jotting down the kanji a few times to assure my stroke order is right. '相性' "Affinity; compatibility. Aishou."

This process repeats until I have the rest of my 50-75 N3 flashcards down for the week. I practice them a bit in the morning, a bit at night everyday. Somehow asian languages come easier than peoples names...the brain sure is a mysterious thing, isn't it. Vocabulary, something I both enjoy and dread. Doesn't really matter how I feel about it though, I want to understand the language and it takes effort. I just have to put it in. That's how I view most things. 'For the future.', 'This'll come in useful.', 'Life is too short for unnecessary things.', 'Be productive with your youthful mind.' Those are things I'm told countless times and have adopted into my own mindset. And there I go again, dwelling over unproductive thoughts.

"Chirakasu" I whisper, writing down the word, '散らかす', my handwriting getting worse with every card as I slowly lose interest. 'My attention span is so short...get a hold of yourself.'

"Hey Minoru...you ever wonder why people say, Life isn't fair?" I ask, speaking aloud into the darkness. He's nearby and listening, I can hear him. "Do you think they ever really stop and think about what they're saying…? It's unobtainable...it's a cloak for wishful thinking. All the things that would have to happen for the world to be, 'fair'? What even would that mean--to live in a fair world? It's so subjective…i can't imagine it, can you? No-one could love anyone who wasn't the love of their life, for fear of breaking a heart. Companies would only fail if everyone who worked for them was evil. Relationships would only end when both partners died simultaneously. Raindrops would only fall on 'bad' people. And what even is a bad person? So many people.. get so hung up on how they think the world should work that they can't see how it does...I did too. I thought that way for a while too, you know, Minoru?" I can hear his soft breathing close by, such a good listener, aren't you…

"Life really is just playing by different rules. There are rules...and they make sense. They're just complicated and well, less comfortable and most don't ever manage to learn them or refuse to accept them...but they're there. Am I full of myself for thinking I, who doesn't talk to anybody but a fucking cat...no, I'm sorry...I...it's not you...I just...I don't know…maybe if I understand life better, I can live life better...cause, Minoru...I don't know what I'm even doing anymore. I'm trying but nothing is happening...I'm learning or am I? I'm doing what people want me to do but no one cares...I...I...and I'm talking to a cat…ha...ha…" I start laughing. It's not funny, I know that but it's instinct. I don't cry, I'm not sad I just feel so...pathetic. I feel him rub against me and lay down next to me. I sighed, calmed as I fell into sink with his breathing. "I never finished, did I?"

The moonlight coming in through the window illuminated the room, causing his golden eyes to glow. He stares at me, almost seriously. Maybe he really is listening. "Minoru, remember this well, Rule #1...You're judged by what you do, not what you think."

The cat's expression doesn't change but he continues to stare at me, perhaps wondering what's wrong with me and why I'm talking to myself. But, I like to tell myself he's listening so I continue, "Society judges people a-and cats too--by what they can do for others. Can you save children from a burning house, or remove a tumor, or make a room of strangers laugh? You've got value right there. Even I like you for your company and fluffiness. But...that's not how we judge ourselves. We judge ourselves by our thoughts. "I'm a good person". "I'm ambitious". "I'm better than this." These idle impulses may comfort some at night, but they're not how the world sees them. They're not even how we see other people. Minoru, well-meaning intentions don't matter. An internal sense of honor and love and duty is nothing. What exactly can you and have you done for the world? These kinds of thoughts aren't 'fair' coming from someone who's contributed nothing to society, ha...I can hardly be considered a part of it...but alas, here we are." I pause, gathering my thoughts that seem to come to me instantly. I've thought about this before. I think about this a lot. "Just know, abilities are not prized by their virtue. Whatever admiration society awards you, comes from the selfish perspectives of others. A hard-working janitor is less rewarded by society than a ruthless stockbroker. A cancer researcher is rewarded less than a supermodel. Why? It's simple...those abilities are rarer and impact more people. I don't talk to people..you of all people...cats...know that much but I'm online enough to understand things. People like to think that society rewards those who do the best work. But in reality...in reality... the social reward is just...it's a network effect. Reward comes down mostly to the number of people you impact: Write an unpublished book, you're nobody. Write Harry Potter and the world wants to know you. Save a life, you're a small-town hero, but cure cancer and you're a legend. The same rule applies to all talents, even unsavory ones..." An unpleasant image comes to mind and I immediately continue, "You may hate this. It may make you sick. But Minoru, Reality doesn't care. You're judged by what you have the ability to do, and the volume of people you can impact. If you don't accept this, then the judgment of the world will seem...it'll seem very unfair indeed, right?"

I stroke his silky fur, wondering if he understood what I meant. "You curious about rule #2, ruru?" He remains silent but I hear a yes. This conversation becomes...no, it always was, for me, not the cat. "People's very idea of fairness is just plain self-interest. Never forget it."

"See...humans like to invent moral authority. It's why we have referees in sports games and judges in courtrooms: we have an innate sense of right and wrong, and we expect the world to comply. Most parents tell their children this. I imagine public school teachers teach their students this too. Be a good girl, and have some candy. But reality is indifferent. You studied hard, but you failed the exam. You worked hard, but you didn't get promoted. You love her, but she won't return your feelings. The problem isn't that life is unfair! It's...it's my...our broken idea of fairness. Minoru, life is fair...humans are the wrong ones...Take a proper look at the cat you like that doesn't like you back! That's a complete cat... A cat with years of experience being someone completely different from you. A real...cat...who interacts with others...Now, what are the odds that among all that, you're automatically their first pick for love-of-their-life? Because – what – you exist? Because you feel something for her? That might matter to you, but their decision is not about you. Similarly, people love to hate their bosses, parents...and politicians--especially on twittcer...Minoru, stay away from twittcer, it's a mess.." I sigh, realizing this has become a vent. It's almost creepy how my voice remains steady and neutral, unwavering.

"Their judgments are unfair. And stupid. They don't agree with me! And they should! Because I am unquestionably the greatest authority on everything ever in the whole world! They complain. Who made you the all-powerful referee for life? No one. So don't act like your opinion and life matter...because they really don't. I mean, Minoru, you matter to me, it's just...some people...and cats...cats too."

I hear the door creak open and a bell chime. Hako. I pat the bed and he jumps on top, finding a comfortable spot at my feet.

"And, Minoru...don't get me wrong...It's true there are some truly awful authority figures. But they're not all evil, self-serving monsters trying to line their own pockets and savor your misery. Why can't people be rational…? Honestly, most are just trying to do their best, under different circumstances to your own. Maybe they know things you don't. You can't be bias. Maybe they have different priorities to you – like, say, long term growth over short term happiness. But however they make you feel, the actions of others are not some cosmic judgment on your being. They're just a byproduct of being alive! That's how life goes...that's just how it is...life is life...it's fair in its own way. So you can't pity yourself, okay, Minoru? Imagine how much worse it could be. It could be so so much worse. You don't have the right to feel this way, Minoru… you just need to understand this is how the world works and it's totally normal."

I pause, realizing I've said enough. Once again, I stare at the ceiling and begin drowning in the monotonous ticks I hear from my mechanical pocket watch. I count and log every second. Tick. 'It's 4:20' I announce to no one, without evening looking at the watch. And I'm not tired. I resist the urge to sit up, turn the lights on and do something--anything to distract myself, anything to keep me away from my own thoughts. 'The bags under my eyes are bad enough already.' I decide against it.

"Hey Minoru…" I whisper, stroking the silky fur of the cat who lay peacefully next to my head, "Hako…" I feel the pup, surprisingly still awake, lick my toes at the end of the bed, "Would you miss me..y'know, if I were...gone?"