denial

You are gay?

It was the question that ruminated in my ears when I sat miserably before the table in my cabin. Fault. I was drowning in guilt and remorse. If anything happened to Angel ... After another long day of searching, I collapsed on the chair and inevitably sought solace in the drink.

The invasion was spreading just as the less optimistic expectations had been made. First, small cities and then large urban centres reacted with fear and without defence in the face of the unexpected unknown.

The computer screens showed large urban areas in the main regions of the planet practically deserted. And it was not because the safety of the cages and their guinea pigs were threatened. It was not any security protocol that the United Nations laboratory there secretly performed. Everything was out of control. There was no sign of Argatha's guardians ...

Sometimes it was still possible to see a human in the process of latent hybridization with its completely black eyes shining in the distorted features. The cities around the entire planet in ruins as K'Aldriants spread and the sky with alien ships that brought our end. The sound of destruction echoed in everyone who watched the horror scenes. How long would it take for the Blue Planet to be like N'Tirlay and its unbreathable atmosphere? It didn't make any difference. It was a path of no return. It didn't matter. Perhaps the only chance that our world still had was to resist. To unite the races with a common objective of putting an end to the advance of the usurper who killed us.

Kalael ... kalael could kill me with every reason when he escaped my ambush and yet I hoped that my ex-mentor and friend would achieve the impossible. It was ironic that my life now depended on it, but after the mallet was gone, there were no alternatives.

Spartackus still needed parts more than ever for Scarlet to make repairs to the temporal probability generator. We, like humans, were trapped in a world in decline. So many deaths ... Exactly as in Édrin ... And the memories surfaced in my drunken mind.

Who would care?

It was the first time that I had the opportunity to speak to Klaus. The first time I saw him away from his damn lord. The battle was barely over. I was physically exhausted and bruised with wounds that ached like burns and the loud and furious audience cried out for more. My revolt would easily cost me death in the arenas facing mutant creatures.

The first kiss ... The first touch ... They were memories engraved with iron and fire in my memories. Two miserable years living with an animal ... It was the first time that I allowed myself to feel anything ...

The comforting skin contact ... The warmth of his hand on my arm in the brief contact ... The feeling of knowing that for someone the destiny they reserved for me mattered ... They were emotions that he couldn't stop. They devastatingly broke the barriers of my defences...

Never before did loneliness weigh so heavily on my miserable existence. It was a breath of life that filled my lungs and forced me to wake up. My heart screamed in a categorical sound: I exist. I have feelings. I'm tired ... so tired of it all.

It was incredible. That battle made a difference for me. I wanted to win. I needed to win. It is so easy to go into combat and face death when you have nothing to lose ...

And everything went as it shouldn't. I even won, but a moment of distraction was expensive. My opponent lying on the floor and wounded to death was treacherous. I barely felt the stab. Adrenaline was running too fast in my system. I only really realized what happened when I woke up hours later ...

It wasn't the mines ... I know that because the body hurt miserably. Here, someone sleeping among cold-blooded slaves could be the difference between waking up alive or not. My head was full of cotton flakes. The first vision I saw when I opened my eyes was him.

Klaus's face, serious and concerned, wore a grumpy scowl.

-God, wait what with that? Are you trying to kill yourself, boy? There are things far worse than death ...

Worse than death? Slavery for me at the time led a list. And it was so wrong ... The pain of loss ... Losing someone you love ... Only those who know or have lost someone so close can imagine ... Dealing with their absence ... Anger, sadness, helplessness ... Frustration and loneliness ... Everything becomes one and it hurts physically.

Each deals with this pain differently. comes denial and isolation. Do you think that person will come through the door at any moment ... It is a defence to accept what cannot be tolerated.

Here comes: Why me? Just me? Or this is not happening! Denial gives way to revolt.

We end up designing for the environment in which we live and for the people around us.

Let me live only until my children grow up ...

I'm going to change, I'm going to stop drinking and do everything right now ... And a kind of promise that doesn't change anything. Everything remains the same. There's no turning back.

I survived the famous "Nothing is worth it anymore", or "I can't handle it". Too well in the opinion of those who knew me. My deep sadness and desolation gave way to fear and I became a little antisocial. Not that I had many friends in the mines. Then, in the period when I was finally free, I was the quiet, quiet guy. A bomb about to burst? I think that was exactly why kalael did not like me.

Each has its own time. Talking about death is never pleasant. Losing Angel to me was unbearable.

I heard the door open with little patience. It can't be that hard to leave me alone and quiet, can it?

-Zorack ...

Damn it. It's Sereide. A tie managed to capture the abyss where I was sinking very well.

- Max asked to warn ... - Sereide stopped quiet for a moment and I inevitably expected reprimands.

A captain had to be reliable and ready to act.

Can someone explain to me how computers can't locate a damn hybrid DNA on the planet's surface? Angel was dead, wasn't she? It was perhaps the only reason ...

-She's not dead. - Sereide spoke softly to me when approaching.

I stared at her, perplexed and deeply angry with myself. The bottle in my hands was thrown against the wall and shattered.

-I don't need ... I don't need ...

The words died in my throat. The pain ... oh, the old and known pain came to life outside the closet and it was unbearable to breathe. I barely noticed the strangled cry, fighting emotions and I fell there on my knees miserable and denying everything.

She was not dead. Angel was going to come in anytime through that door. Just a second chance ... It was all I wanted. It would be different ...

- Sometimes to believe that there is something beyond death ... To believe in a power greater than us, Zorack ...

-Bigger power? - I replied with infinite contempt. - Have you heard the damn kid talking about his God? Did I hear the absurdities they believe? A God who stays around hiding or doing anything? Damn anything? Is this god they believe in? Is it in Him that these humans place their hopes? - I roared wounded like an animal.

Sereide looked at me with compassion.

-I know there is something more ... I know that tomorrow will be another day. I have hope. And why wouldn't the God of these humans exist?

I looked at her furiously. She was foolish and was being as stupid as possible.

-This God ... Want to explain to me why I saw my whole family die? God?! Klaus died in my arms ... - I spoke in a shaky and choked voice. And Angel ... My God! I won't be able to take it again, not again ...

My defences collapsed like a storm's fury. The pain took on proportions that I didn't, I couldn't understand ...

-Maybe the God of these humans exists. We need to believe in something better than all that around us, Captain. I need you to react. We all need. Bash thinks it may be nothing, but ...

I took a deep breath like drowning for air. What do you mean, Bash thinks it might be nothing, but ...?

What?

- They found ...

Please ... don't be a body. If you exist somewhere. I'm begging ... Let it not be a lifeless body ...

-Max sent word that the Spartackus will start the engines ... It looks like we have DNA signals nearby ...