1.11 FATED LOVE: Guilt

Adulthood never really fulfils its promise to Liu Lianyu.

He mulls over this absently as he gets dressed. He's finally seeing Lin Jiaen again so he wants to dress casually. But he finds that he hates everything that he owns. They make him look childish but he supposes that's what he gets for not updating his wardrobe since he was in his early to mid-twenties.

It almost feels like his life stopped at that point.

It hasn't really bothered him before but…

He grimaces at his reflection, the black hoodie with an obnoxious cat design lost its worth in fashion years ago. Liu Lianyu rips it off and sighs at his selection of clothes.

He used to have this impression that at a certain point in his life, everything would just click into place. That all his bad habits would sort themselves and that he would be a proud, high-functioning adult. Granted, he's a functioning adult, which is a feat in itself but Liu Lianyu is far from the dream version of his adult self he had conjured in his teenage years.

Adulthood feels like a scam but he still carries on.

Liu Lianyu pulls a black dress shirt out of the work section of his wardrobe and pretends that it's stylish when combined with a pair of light-washed jeans.

It's just Lin Jiaen anyways, he's not out to impress anyone.

There's no one to impress. (Mo Yinan has been banned from his thoughts. Lin Jiaen deserves more than to be a distraction but Liu Lianyu is trying his best not to think about it too hard.)

The day is cloudy but without wind, it's not too bad. Liu Lianyu sports a light trench coat and finds an e-bike to ride to their appointed cafe.

The hectic city traffic is something he knows like the back of his hand and Liu Lianyu daydreams to stave off the anxiety he has for meeting up with Lin Jiaen.

The cafe is one that plays classy western music plucked from various cultural sources. The establishment is loosely themed, with cat and moon motifs scattered around in framed pictures and other cheesy decorations that clutter the space. The seats are tacky armchairs with a fake leather cover that threatens to break apart within the next three days. There's a sweet aroma in the air; almost too sweet; probably the cheap cat-shaped scent diffuser that rests next to the cash register.

Liu Lianyu holds his breath when he hears himself being called. "Yu-ge!" Lin Jiaen beams at him from a table tucked into the corner of the establishment. It doesn't come off as a surprise that she's acting like nothing happened but Liu Lianyu isn't sure if he feels relieved or disappointed.

Either way, he smiles sheepishly at her and jogs on over. "Hey, Jiajia. Sorry, I'm a bit late."

She grins at him, "You're always a bit late, and we're still friends. It's no biggie."

She lets him settle in, take a long look at the menu and contemplate his choices. "What did you get?" He asks because the question is easy.

"A white mocha? Whatever that means. Oh, the dirty coffee is good though, I tried it last time," Lin Jiaen chirps in response.

The waiter comes and takes his order and for a moment there's silence between the two friends.

Lin Jiaen is the one who breaks it with that easy beta smile and disarming expression, brows slightly upturned, "How are you doing?"

It's not just a casual question because Liu Lianyu can feel the weight behind her words; a secret code between old friends.

He responds in turn with soft laughter and a shrug, "Yeah. Sorry about last time, I got really drunk."

The disappointment in Liu Lianyu's heart stirs when her smile widens. "That's good to hear. I was really worried when you didn't answer your phone! I thought something had happened…"

So he laughs, it comes out a bit high and a bit loud. "Yeah, that was my bad too. I didn't even realize the battery died. I was so hungover the next day I stayed home from work."

She grimaces and stirs her white mocha. "Oh no… What did that pig boss of yours say? Did he try anything funny afterwards?"

"The usual," he shrugs with nonchalance, leaning back into the creaking leather armchair and cranes his neck. He thanks the waiter for bringing him his flat white and it tastes bitter on his tongue, hot. Just the way he likes it. "But I can handle him. I know how to keep my distance and myself out of trouble."

"Still," Lin Jiaen bites out, "he's a disgusting piece of shit. You really need to get out of that place."

Liu Lianyu hates that she can't see through his act.

But he can't blame her either. She might be his best friend but she isn't a mind-reader. It's a fact that he had to reconcile with over the years.

The reason behind the suffocating feeling in his chest is none other than himself, Liu Lianyu surmises.

But no matter the reality of the situation, hearing Lin Jiaen speak continues to grate his nerves. It's not her fault, he chants in his head. It's not her fault that she doesn't know.

"I really hate alphas like that," she hisses through gritted teeth, as though Principal Hui might have wronged her personally. "They think they rule the world all because they have fat dicks thanks to the alpha genes but can't face up to the fact that they have brains the size of a pea."

Like your fiance, Liu Lianyu thinks but he keeps it to himself.

Lin Jiaen continues to ramble, her hands flying around her with wide gestures, "People say that sexism isn't a thing anymore in this age but you just have to look at shit heads like that to know that it isn't true. Alphas always get away with everything! Especially when they're men."

"Alphas," Liu Lianyu nods in agreement. But his jaw is feeling kind of stiff. There's a kink in his wrist that makes him want to tap his finger on the table but he doesn't.

"Yeah, alphas," Lin Jiaen exhales, "I really can't stand them sometimes."

Liu Lianyu can't take it anymore. "Your fiance is an alpha," he points out. The calm he so carefully cultivated wavers, his voice coming out quipped.

She falters a little, blinking. But she seems more confused than offended, "Tao Zhen is different."

What a hypocrite. The double standards claw at his nerves. Liu Lianyu struggles with his thoughts. They're winning against him. "How do you know that for sure?" The accusation is biting in nature and he can't hide the way his lips pull taut and his eyes narrow at her.

She's clearly taken aback. But Lin Jiaen calmly composes herself before she retorts, "What's gotten into you, ge? What makes you think that I would want to marry some shitty sexist trash? Tao Zhen isn't like that."

"You don't know that." He's on a full-on assault now and nothing can stop him. "He was really creepy after you left me in your apartment with him."

Lin Jiaen's knuckles go pale around the empty mug in her hands. She's unhappy. Her brows are knit and her lips tremble slightly. She might be a beta but that doesn't make her incapable of losing her cool. "Yu-ge," her tone is scolding, patronizing even, "you were drunk, you might be remembering things wrong. Gege only—"

He doesn't want to hear it so he cuts her off. "It was straight-up sexual harassment," he growls at her. The accusation might be a stretch but he doesn't care and weaponizes it anyways. Every set of eyes in the cafe must be upon them, or maybe it's just Liu Lianyu's imagination. He doesn't dare look around to check.

A shocked gasp escapes Lin Jiaen's lips and her mouth gapes stupidly. She inhales but stops as though a glitch has taken her over. There is red creeping in her face and Liu Lianyu almost expects her to leap across the table to slap him.

But this isn't some weird TV drama and Lin Jiaen is sensible enough to maintain some level of calm, even as chaos brews in her mind. She coughs and clears her throat. "Aren't you being a bit too jealous, Yu-ge?"

This time, Liu Lianyu is the one speechless. He laughs and it's bitter. He suddenly doesn't want to be there anymore and he hates that his mind is short-circuiting because he'd do anything, anything just to have the last word.

What he comes up with is embarrassingly lame. "You don't even know what you're talking about."

She scowls, "Yu-ge."

"No," he cuts her off, again. "I don't want to hear this anymore." Like an idiot, he rises from his seat and his limbs are shaking from anger.

"What's gotten into you!?" Lin Jiaen is a lot more mature than he is because there's concern on her face when she rises in tandem. "Please calm down, we can talk this through."

No, Liu Lianyu can't talk through anything because his emotions are a mess about he's too close to exploding. He cannot think straight and he doesn't dare spend another second in her presence. It's only a matter of time he says something wrong.

Without another word, he turns tails and flees.

"Hey! Come back here!" She tries to chase after him but the waiter stops her to pay the bill. It's the only advantage being an omega gives Liu Lianyu.

He's disgusted at himself for taking advantage but it's his only option. Liu Lianyu flees like a coward, head dipped in shame as he scurries across the street without checking the traffic. Car horns honk angrily at him and he's disappointed that he makes it across without incident. Anger consumes Liu Lianyu's world and he's alone.