Obsession & Regret

Obsession.

Obsession grips you, stripping away your control and only leaving you with raw emotions. Once it takes hold, there's no turning back. 

I am one such person… I fell into obsession.

… My obsession led me to a path that I shouldn't have walked, I thought that what I did would leave a lasting impression on the world and make it better, but it only made me miserable. 

It all started with passion, it was just like a burning flame, every day while I worked towards my goal, I gave everything I had for my project, I was so passionate about it.

I genuinely thought that my project would be able to change lives…

In the background, the slow tapping of a piano drew my attention to the TV screen beside me, the notes which the piano played conveyed a sense of melancholy.

[John...]

A weeping feminine voice cried out. Tears stained the eyes of a young woman, her red hair drenched by the rain.

[What more do you want, Leah?] 

The man's eyes reflected profound sadness as he faced her, instinctively stepping away as she reached out.

Gentle guitar notes started to mix with the slow piano, the melody expressed a sense of finality… sorrow.

The scene shifted to the night sky, rain mingling with the gently cascading snowflakes, before switching to a park illuminated by the faint glow of lamps, their light flickering from the harsh winds of early winter.

Movies and TV shows were one of the few joys left in my life, aside from the project that consumed me. 

The actors conveyed their emotions so powerfully that the audience couldn't help but laugh and cry with them. The writers crafted stories that resonated deeply, while the camera personnel captured stunning scenes.

I used to look up to them in my childhood, I wanted to be like them.

Once, it was my dream to be an actor, to share my emotions with the world. But that dream no longer mattered.

Looking back at the TV screen, I realized I had never finished 'The River of Sorrow.'

Something always came up before the finale. But today, after my work was done, I would finally watch it.

Before I could even return to my work, I heard a low buzzing sound from my desk, it was my phone.

Reaching for the remote, I paused the show right before the emotional finale.

Before I could have taken the call, my hands froze on their own while the phone continued to buzz in my hand.

A faint smile curled up on my lips as I saw the caller ID – Noah. 

But as I reached to take up the call, guilt gripped me, my stomach felt like it was filled to the brim with lead.

[…]

Neither of us said anything after I took the call, the silence was loud, only broken by the heavy rain tapping on my window mixed in with heavy gusts of wind.

No…

Don't be such a coward!

"Hi, Noah… What's up?" My voice cracked, betraying my attempt at casualness. 

I felt a dull headache creep up, but I persisted…

[Dad…]

I gulped involuntarily, and both of us fell back into suffocating silence.

[Tomorrow is the anniversary of Mom's death…] I could hear his voice crack.

"I remember." 

How could I not, the pain was the worst around that time… and even after ten years, I still missed her.

[I had a talk with Julie, do you… want to meet up?] I could hear the apprehension in his voice, he still couldn't trust me, and he had every right to be mad at me.

Even then, I was glad…

I was glad to hear the voice of my firstborn son again.

"Of course, I will be there!" 

[… Okay] 

He hung up immediately after. I could only hear the tapping of the rain growing stronger, as the wind raged outside with it, the storm growing stronger.

After my wife tragically passed away in a car accident… something broke inside of me, I fell into depression.

I tried to be the best father I could be for my children, but I was so tired of everything. Despite my efforts, it wasn't enough… I wasn't enough.

The only thing left for me was my obsession; only while working could I distract myself from the wreck that my life—no, that I—had become.

Now that I was left alone in my office once again, I didn't even want the background noise of the TV, I rather just focus on my project.

I was so close to finishing it, I can barely remember the day I started working on it, but I still remember the feeling, the passion I used to feel while working on it.

The obsession of it all.

Looking back at my monitor, I was close to the end, almost a million lines of code and so much effort went into this project, but that didn't matter anymore, I will finish it today before I retire.

Taking a deep breath, I started to type away on my keyboard in a rapid manner, even while my fingers and wrists were in pain, every time my fingers made contact with the keys, the tip of my fingers hurt even more.

Even while my eyes were burning from the light of the monitor, I could only continue my code while the storm continued to rage on around me.

After what felt like only an hour, I felt my face contort into a grin that I never knew I was able to produce, there was it, the labor of my work my finished project.

Sitting in front of my cluttered desk, I carefully adjusted the final series of switches, ensuring each connection was secure. 

My computer screen flickered, displaying lines of code I had meticulously written over countless sleepless nights over the years.

I double-checked the settings before a series of blue lights blinked to life on the control panel, signaling that everything was functioning as intended. 

My obsession.

It was fulfilled… my work was done…

All the years I spent working on it, all the sleep I cut so that I could put more effort into it…

I wanted to scream in joy…

I truly did…

But I didn't…

Why?!

Why couldn't I?

Why wasn't I fulfilled?!

Why wasn't I happy?!

The smile I had on my face faded away, leaving a sour taste in my mouth, I could no longer smile.

More than twenty years, all the work I did, all the things I sacrificed… did it really amount to nothing?

I should have been happy, but I'm not.

I feel…

Empty.

Why don't I feel fulfilled, why do I feel so empty?

…

Maybe it's just the exhaustion catching up with me… damn it all. I'll just finish the series, meet up with my kids tomorrow, and then it's time for an early retirement.

If there was one positive outcome from working tirelessly, even ignoring the things that mattered, it was that I could retire. My financial situation was secure.

CRACK!

Lightning struck, nearly deafening me with its intensity, and at that moment, the lights in my office went out. The whole building started to shake as another bolt struck directly into it.

No!

The project!

I felt my heart beat out of my throat. What if the lightning damaged something? The code was saved, but this would be a major setback.

As I tried to get back on my feet, I saw a flashing blue light filling the room, so intense that I had to squint. Even then, it almost blinded me.

The light slowly started to fade, and I could see normally again.

I tapped the ground, feeling my way around as the room fell back into total darkness.

I found my chair and used it to pull myself up, but as I did, my already blurred vision worsened, 

I tried to get up, but my chair rolled away and I fell back to the ground, the pain surging through my body like a wave.

My vision blurred further, making it hard to see anything but the faint glow of the screen. One moment it was shining, and the next, the room was engulfed in darkness.

As I reached out blindly, I accidentally knocked a picture off the desk, rumbling sounds echoed inside my ears but I ignored them 

I instinctively reached for it, my fingers trembling as they closed around the familiar frame.

That photo was one of my most prized possessions. I gently brushed the picture, and the blue screen lit up behind me again, causing four smiles to beam at me from the photo.

My two children were so young back then, Noah and Julie practically beamed with joy while making stupid faces at the camera while a stunningly beautiful woman hugged the man in the photo… me.

Eve…

The pain started to overwhelm me, my vision darkening at the edges.

The rumbling grew louder until the ceiling cracked open. Debris fell around me, and a large chunk of the ceiling broke free, crashing down.

"AAAHHH!" I screamed in agony, the pain was excruciating, as the large debris held me down, crushing me with its weight.

Still, I tried to reach for the photo, my hand shaking as it extended toward the frame.

The glass in front of the photo cracked as it fell to the ground while I continued to reach for it.

Regret.

I regretted so many things.

But that's all I could do, ponder on the things I regret… I knew that I was dying.

Julie, Noah… I should have been a better father… I won't be able to make it to them…

Eve… my dear…

I can finally see you once again.

Just the thought of meeting her again brought a smile to my face, even while the pain enveloping me was excruciating. 

"I am sorry." 

I was about to die.

My only regret is that I have to abandon my kids… again.

Death was knocking on my door, I wanted to fight back, I wanted to run… but did I really need to? 

Tired… I am so tired.

I felt my eyelids getting heavier.

The pain only worsened, I couldn't do anything but grit my teeth as I felt the boulder weight heavy on my body, crushing it further.

"Aerghh…" 

It hurts, it hurts so much…

I could barely see now, my life was moments away from ending, I just knew it.

My life was about to end, and I no longer resisted the grim reaper, I was so tired, the exhaustion built up over the years… I just closed my eyes.

As I closed my eyes for the final time, the screen's blue light continued to shine on me while the shadow of another boulder closed in on me. 

But…

My obsession.

Opened the door to a second chance.