32

After my work with Ryu was finished and he went home I stay in my room watching the comments and likes flood over my new uploads. I smile at some them, flinch at others but mostly my mind is thinking about Jasper downstairs. He hasn't come up to see me and I haven't come down to see him, normally their wouldn't be an awkwardness surrounding us but I feel oddly distanced from him. We, before this promise or experiment, were nearly joined at the hip, to be so far from him, for so long is awkward. Not seeing his face or feeling his touch is...disappointing. I half expected him to come check on me, ask how everything went, sit down beside me and let me tell him all about it and when he didn't I felt this twig of loneliness, of loss almost, rattle around in my heart. Now it's almost as if I'm stubbornly refusing to go down, to see him first, I want him to want to see me the way I want to see him. The part of my that doubts my worthiness to stand beside him seems to grow stronger with every minute. In a way, I know this is petty. I know this is childish somehow and reflects that of a teen rom-com movie and I don't mean to make something out of nothing but how does one know, for sure, that nothing isn't really something is disguise? I know nothing about love and have little experience with these types of emotions, these tethering and bonding emotions make me feel both weak and addicted to it. A strong person wouldn't long for him to come and talk to me about all the amazing new things I learned. A strong person wouldn't have tears in her eyes thinking that maybe he's getting used to being away from her, that it doesn't bother him the way it bothers her. A strong person would walk down there. A strong person would communicate her feelings without being stubborn and petty. A strong person wouldn't let something so small confuse and bother her. I've never felt weak like this, I have always been physically lesser than but I've always known I was smart, never doubted my resolve or that I'd survive because I was strong enough to look after myself. I never felt emotionally or mentally weak, I was so used to being the one who knew the most in the room, who didn't need to rely on anyone for assurance, who didn't care about what other people thought.

I wasn't like this. But I was never happy with someone like this either. I never learned how to handle such strange emotions, I wasn't afraid of our deal, I never wavered in my decision to choose Jasper, no matter what experiences I have, I know I will choose Jasper but now I wonder...would he still choose me? So far, with the experiences I've gained, I find more and more that I want to share them with him, I want to tell him what I thought about it, experience it with him if possible. I want to learn more every day but come back to him each night, I want to be with him and this deal is only making that more clear, was he hoping that I would lose interest? Hoping to let me down easily by distancing himself? Am I overthinking? Is this illogical? I at least know the answer to that question, it is indeed illogical to make such assumptions.

I huff out an aggravated sigh and shut my laptop. I'm thinking too much and over nothing. I sit up and go to the door, psyching myself up to just go downstairs and let it go. I put my hand on the door knob and open the door to see Jasper standing there, his face troubled, "Hi, I was going to knock...may I come in?"

At the sight of his serious expression, most of the petty concerns I had travel to the back of my mind, "uh-sure, is everything...okay?" I ask him as he paces past me and a pained expression crosses his face. He opens his mouth to speak several times but each time he just shakes his head and paces between the wardrobe they had gotten me and a bright purple suitcase Jasper somehow got passed without me noticing and set on my bed. His odd actions start to cause a panic inside me, "hey, hey whats going on? Why are you packing my stuff?" The words come out as a rush and although we've been keeping our distance, I find myself almost running up to him grabbing his arm to stop his trek to the bed. At my touch, he flinches before relaxing, almost surrendering into my hands. He turns to me, his chest firm but somehow shaking. His expression is almost torturous and full of some form of regret or sorrow. I look him in the eyes, trying to calm myself down so that at least one of us is cool-headed. "What is going on Jasper?"

He doesn't look away but defeat and pain flash across his face, he leans his head on my shoulder and I can feel the coolness of his breath attack my senses in a familiar way, as it has been some time since we've touched or since I've felt this intimate closeness with him, but I push those tingles aside and focus on him and the present situation. I am about to ask him again but after a second sigh he whispers, almost painfully, "He escaped the hospital, I'm sorry we didn't catch him. Please don't be afraid, I won't let them hurt you...we're going away from a few days to a safe place where they won't find you. It's going to be okay."

"They? Jasper who's 'they'?" If Jasper could have sobbed I have no doubt that would have broke him, but his shaking just became more violent has he answer and he somehow felt even colder, like a chill attacked him.

"Him...and Maria. Apparently she was his contact into the Trade...I never knew how deep her ties were...and we can only assume he wants you back...I'll protect you, I won't let them near you. The others have been looking all over town but they aren't here. We don't know exactly what they're planing or why Maria is involved but my family can handle them. I'm just so sorry you have to go through any of this, that you have to face this trauma again. I'll be by your side the entire time..." As He said this, as he gripped me a realization clicked that this was equally, if not more traumatic for him. Maria, the Maria who changed him and used him in her quest for territory and an army, she who manipulated him, she who lead him to do the things that still haunt him. I wrap my arms around him and though my heart beats wildly, it is not fear for my safety that causes it. Jasper has never lost composure with me, he's never been afraid in front of me but now he apologizes like he personally wronged me, he promises my safety as if he is afraid he's not strong enough to fight her, he talks as much to himself as to me so I hold him and cry for him until he finds his resolve again, until he finds himself again, I'll be here with him.