Chapter 3: Living Nightmare
Why was I even born in this world I just wish I could take myself out but I'm too scared to do so, I wake up every day to get ready for school knowing I'm ugly and wearing a pokerface at everything I guess the only thing keeping me alive would be my parents, I've made resolutions for suicide although I don't plan to make a suicide note, if only I was an only child I could end myself in peace without saddening my siblings once my parents die I'm killing myself and it's that simple if I fail to graduate I'm going to be looked down upon and the shame is going to make me want to end it all
Throughout my childhood things got worse way worse, as a man myself I was SA'd by another man for two years until we finally moved away after I told my parents, we lived in a trailer for a good chunk of my life when I became suicidal constantly burdening my parents with money issues because I couldn't get a grip on my life as a teen. Every day I wake up thinking I'm a horrible son and that I've failed as person as a result of it I lost 3 years of my life in and out of mental facility's where I hadn't held a pencil in 3 years because I was at risk of attempting suicide 3 years of my life with no social interactions completely ruined my speech and made me never want to talk to people again.
After awhile I went to school as a special Ed kid an outcast in a class full of children with issues, every day I sat lonely in the cold on the swings contemplating life thinking about suicide until I couldn't go to school anymore so I went back to the only place I truly thought was my home and I spent another year in there meeting people who were older than me people who've truly had it worse than me yet I merely came here because I was assulted.
After I finally got out I spent another year at home going to therapy and being described various meds because nothing worked and after awhile I just stopped caring, I told everybody I was fine and that nothing was wrong that I've became a better person and I've changed but I haven't changed I've never changed I've always been suicidal and it has never stopped I'm coming to a point in my life where I'm almost done with therapy having appointments every 4-5 months always saying I'm better but I never am.
Suicidal thoughts liter my everyday life making me unable to think of anything else, I missed 5 years of school my last year of elementary school and nearly all of middle school yet people don't understand that I'm stupid "oh you'll get better and learn eventually" but I can't I'm socially inept I can't speak about my issues I can't speak to anybody I don't want to go back I don't want my life to be ruined once again I just want to be a normal human being but I just can't and I wish I could but no matter what I try it never helps
I'm a man people look down on me for being weak so I don't speak I never speak I'm an introvert with no friends with no companions with nobody who truly loves me and nobody who truly understands me I feel alone I'm lonely I'm always lonely I'm never not lonely even when I'm with people I'm quiet recluse someone who doesn't talk and I've tried to get better but I have a speech impediment I talk like a first grader except I don't because first graders talk normally I just can't speak correctly how do I talk to people if they don't understand me
What can I do I'm useless I don't have a job and live in my parents house I just can't fix myself no matter what I do why was I born poor why was I born in a family with a history of mental illnesses I think to myself knowing that it's truly all my fault I'm like this sometimes I don't even want to graduate even though I'm scared of death I just need it, I need salvation I want to be free but I'm too scared to be free, if heaven exists I ain't going there im going straight to hell for all the things I've done in my life, I don't feel normal I don't feel safe I cope with myself by cutting myself by inflicting pain it makes me feel happy it makes me feel Alive but I can't do it I can't do anything.