Loa IV

17th night of the Month of Ice, 12:30, Midnight

This is it. The moment. Now or never.

Breath in and out.

Just him and her, lunch and karmot. Nothing and no one else.

Breath in and out.

Artemy is mostly moving his food around without really eating. He looks tired, with his hair tied up in a high ponytail and still dressed impeccable, but he has dark bags under his eyes and he looks lost in thought.

Loa had dressed to impress, in an elegant green dress and hair completely collected into a high hair bun-it had taken hours, but it had been worth it, every curl imprisoned and not one had escaped yet-and makeup slightly done, just enough to highlight her eyes and hide most of her freckles.

"Artemy" starts Loa, voice halfway breaking after such a long time without talking "We never finished our talk"

Yes, a safe topic, no need to talk about the knife just yet. There was time, first things first, deal with the marriage talk.

"Talk?" Mumbles Artemy surprised and then understanding overcomes his face "Err, yes! We never did finish, huh?"

Loa nods and picks a bread roll, mostly to have something in her hand as she speaks. How to do so? She has too many things to say. She doesn't want to marry, but she doesn't want to disappoint her family. As a second born, Loa must marry out of her family, only her older brother Farrow will carry on the family name. She is just a pawn, and as a pawn, she could eventually become queen if she made the right choice. Better to marry Artemy, an old friend that would treat her right, than a stranger. But, she won't love him and he won't ever love her back. A loveless relationship could end up in terrible and growing distaste, he would hate her after a while. Loa was sure of that, Artemy, who always wore his heart on his sleeve, who hated and still hates Anax for what he did to Nima so many years ago…how could he not end up hating Loa, for keeping him away from the one he truly loved?

"Artemy…why are we even getting married?" Asks Loa with a frown as she starts to tear apart the bread roll in smaller pieces with her fingers. She raises her eyes from the bread destruction to stare at Artemy "It was something arranged so long ago…we are grown, we can make our own choices. Why are we still being dragged around by decisions made by others?"

"I-I" starts Artemy, then, he breathes and starts again, voice steady "I understand that as first born I must give my family heirs, not only heirs, but the next crown prince or princess….I finally understood I cannot do what I want all the time…sometimes, one must surrender and do what others know it's best"

Loa frowns. That sounded….extremely rehearsed. Did he say those same words in the mirror to convince himself of their truth? She thinks about Jeza Zasya, another old friend also subjected to the laws of honor and family. But, Jeza had circumvented those laws in a way Loa had never expected possible. Loa had always admired her for her ability to do so, so strong and capable, nothing could knock Jeza down, a Nocturnal rising in the ranks instead of seeking a second born husband, and now, that was no longer needed from her; Jeza had a heir for her family and no husband to speak of.

"It's that what you truly believe?" Asks Loa with sadness "Why did you tell me that, on that night then? Why not keep the appearances even in our relationship?"

"I did not want to lie to a friend" confesses Artemy "And in the end, you knew the truth, so it wouldn't have mattered anyway"

Loa smiles sadly. Even if she hadn't noticed the obvious, he would have told her. How nice.

"We weren't that good of friends, I was just there because of the arrangement" reminds Loa. Because it was true, she had been included in their friend group just because she was going to marry Artemy in the future. There had been no friendship for a long time, but that was the joy of children, wasn't it? Being able to bond over the silliest things like a stupid game with added on rules that make no sense to anyone else.

They often played in the gardens of the palace-those not carefully created to be just seen, but the empty ones that were just for children to play in-running around and just being children. Sometimes, they would be allowed to play in the street, never too far from the palace, but far enough that they could forget who they truly were and what the future expected of them.

"No friendship starts with friends already made" chuckles Artemy and his eyes seem far away "I wished I never had to grow up. That I could just stay a kid with no responsibilities except to play. But, things never work the way we want them to"

"We still have time" whispers Loa "To say no, they cannot force us. Let's just say no"

Artemy looks up with hope, a soft smile and eyes. When was the last time he had looked at her like that? Then, he looks down again and sighs.

"Things are so hard, I miss when the hardest decision I ever needed to vote on was what game to play" he groans and Loa laughs.

Maybe now it's the time to mention the knife. But, it would close Artemy from her again, maybe forever. But…what if it was important?

"Artemy-" she starts and then stops when the door to the dining room opens and a servant bows and enters.

"Your majesty" says the servant with a lowered head "The queen consort requests your presence"

Artemy groans loudly but gets up and starts to walk towards the door dragging his feet, stopping by Loa's seat and dropping his head right by her own.

"We'll continue later, wait here" he whispers and before Loa can say anything, he is gone, taking the servant with him.

Loa pushes her hands into her eyes and silently screams. She had lost her chance.

She gets up and paces the room by the table, dresses swishing as she did. Now what? She couldn't bring up the topic of the knife now, how could she? She had kept a good conversation going, he had started to open up to her, they had talked about their main problem of the marriage and it had been the perfect moment to talk about the knife and actually get the truth.

But now…

Loa sighs and leans against the table, picking a lone nutha fruit adorning the complete roasted andavi that was the crown jewel of the feast and plopping it in her mouth.

The doors opens again and Loa turns her head in a movement so fast it hurts her neck, hoping to see Artemy's black and teal clothes and stark white hair.

A small figure leans in, almost shyly, white hair streaked with black strands and a pale ocher dress.

It's Hilde.

The girl gasps when her eyes meet Loa's.

"Oh" says Loa dumbly as she blinks, then she smiles "Hey, Hilde"

"L-Loa…" mumbles Hilde almost inaudibly.

"What are you doing here?" Asks Loa curiously. Because Hilde maybe related by blood to the royal family, but the Gernot family is not noble or rich in any capacity.

"I was looking for Artemy" she murmurs in response as she fully enters the room, hands fiddling in a nervous tick she also had as a child "But it seems I missed him"

"The queen consort required his presence, so he had to leave" explains Loa with a gentle smile "You can wait here with me, it shouldn't take long"

Hilde nods and looks at the floor like it's the most interesting thing she has ever seen. An awkward silence takes over the room and Loa hates it like she hasn't hated anything ever. It's terrible, even worse than the encounter with Artemy a few nights ago.

"How are you, Hilde?" Asks Loa "It's been so long since we last talked"

That seems to be the wrong thing to say, as Hilde's nervous face turns pale and it freezes in a pained expression Loa cannot really decipher.

"Hilde?" Asks Loa unsure, slowly approaching the girl.

Hilde takes a step back and forces a smile.

"I'm okay" says Hilde, but it's said in a tone that is closer to a sob than to words "It's just…a lot of things have happened"

Loa nods with a frown. How true to that was…in just a few nights Loa's life had metaphorically ended, Hilde's…great uncle had been murdered and a new nomad had arrived. What an eventful week.

"I'm so sorry for your loss, Hilde" says Loa as she pats the girl's shoulder.

Nothing is said after that for a while and Lo feels like she made another mistake. It was always like that with Hilde, she never spoke up when she had a problem, everything locked in her mind where only she could panic about things and every time Loa spoke to her, she felt like she was taking a very difficult test. What would be the thing that made Hilde shut down.

"I…"starts Hilde with a deep frown, surprising Loa with the sudden loudness of her voice "I don't think I'll ever miss him"

"Errrr…" drags Loa with wide eyes, trying to find an appropriate response, but she doesn't need to as Hilde continues.

"I'm so happy that he is dead!" splutters Hilde with a high laugh that sounds strange to Loa. "He was so horrible and he hurt me! I hate him, I hate him, hatehimhatehim-"

Loa grabs Hilde's shoulders and shakes her. What was going on!?

"Hilde!"

The girl stopped her disturbing rant and froze in Loa's grasp like she had turned to stone.

"Hilde" repeats Loa, this time calmer, and breathes out "Hilde, breath with me, please"

She does, her panicked rapid breaths slowly turning normal. What was that?, Wonders Loa, that wasn't normal.

"Are you okay?" Asks Loa with worry, rubbing Hilde's shoulders "Do you want something to drink? Or better yet, do you want to sit?"

Hilde shakes her head, but she already looks better, even with her red cheeks and wet eyes.

"Thank you Loa" whispers Hilde "I think I really needed that"

"To breathe?" Asks Loa, and then proceeds to try and lighten the mood "With your wind Asha you should be an expert by now"

Hilde huffs a short laugh and Loa smiles widely with pride and relief.

"I just needed to tell someone about it" says Hilde and it feels like a confession of those secret thoughts of Hilde "I just couldn't hold it anymore. Should I feel guilty?"

Loa gapes for a second before realizing Hilde expects a response.

"Well-you…just look at Artemy! He never liked Infans Mikhe and he is not acting different" says Loa with a nervous giggle "He still dislikes him and he doesn't care what others think about that. What does it matter, when Infans Mikhe is already gone? It's not like he can do anything about it"

As Loa talks, Hilde nods alongs, like she agrees. Who would have thought? Prince Artemy Drest, actually doing a good and selfless deed by doing physically nothing to achieve it.

"Yeah, I guess you're right" says Hilde and smiles at Loa "Thank you Loa, you gave me much to think about"

With that said, Hilde takes her leave and Loa wonders why she does. Didn't she come to talk to Artemy? It's this what she wanted to speak with Artemy about? Loa hums to herself as she takes a seat in her chair and picks up a piece of her destroyed bread roll, eating it a chewing it absentmindedly, mind far away in the past.

What a horrible friend she was, she though to herself, she had never noticed Hilde's feelings about Infans Mikhe, she had always though Hilde liked him, he had always treated her nicely, giving her sweets and secret smiles, at least when Loa and the others had been present.

Who would have thought?