The new boy

After all , I arrived to school and i am still living , I am still breathing , i still can push myself into the choas of people around me , I still can see the world in colors even if it went all dark. I found my class , I took a chair in at botttom of the room , I tried not to listen to anyone and keep focusing on myself , otherwise I will have the third panic attack in just one day . I looked around me , and I have seen students , my classmates , people , coming and quitting . There was girls talking to boys and boys talking to girls , they were all in groups but me I made an exception . I was sitting alone , not talking , not moving , not sharing anything with the young community .

I HATE YOU LUCY ! , this is a sound coming from I don't know where , was whispering to me , this words which killed me hundred of times per second .

So , I stood up ( I didn't know how 'cause I was dizzy ) . I drag myself hardly from all the students , and the teachers , tried not to stick to anyone , made my lashes fall down to the ground , not to make any eye contact with none . I don't want people to see yellow , dark marks under my eye , or my pale skinny face , or even find out that i smell like shit because I was to exausted to take a bath , or bather myself and put some perfume on .

I went to the bathroom . Yes i did . Well , years ago when life was amazing and days were blooming with excitement and joy , I don't dare to go to the school restroom . But now nothing make any difference , i did it anyway . Thank god there was none , I upright in front of the mirror looking at myself . And , out of the blue , I started breathing so fast . I was so angry for no reason . Maybe at myself for making HIM saying what he said , at HIS friend , at myself , at people . I put the palm of my both hands on my mouth to escape a big loud yell . But my hands were shaking so hard , and I was about to crush the glass . I don't want to see what it's reflecting anymore even its shadow , its voice . Smell its odor . Hear its beating . Feel its presence on earth , or the moving its chest marking an existing in the history of time . NO MORE , NO LESS , ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ...

- Are you OK ? , she said . It was carol , one of my peers at class .

I didn't notice her coming in , I look at her and she was just fabulous , amazing and fresh . She was wearing a tight pink sweater , a mini fluffy skirt , and a cute pair of bootes from Dr.martens . Her hair was wavy , which matches the color of her eyes , they were dark blue that makes you feel lost and wave with the music unconsciously. I was staring at her , how lucky she is . She is beautiful , famous , everybody loves her especially boys , she is smart , she is mentally fine , what else . I wondered why she asked me if I am alright or not . Why does she even care about people like me , well they used to be invisible .

Even more , I didn't know what to say to her , myself I don't know the answer of that question . It's a mysterious question , that I can't find a reasonable , good responding to it . Sometimes , I feel like a stranger in my body , I don't know what I want or what I feel or what I choose . I lose control little by little until I shut up , and calm down all the rage , all the fear , all the bubbling feelings , they fade in the end . It's hard not to know who you are or what you can be , or what you was . You feel unidentified , nameless , faceless , completely anonymous . You live in slow-motion , and days become so long , and so boring . You're not exited about anything, you wake up in the morning because simply it's not the day you're gonna die in . Your not happy , yet tomorrow is your first day at high school , or your graduation day , your first day at job or whatever the fuck you used to be exited while doing it . Your biggest target is to join the bed and never wake up again in any kind of world . Your " hiding myself " masks begins to minimize until they vanish and you show them the last stage face . Anonymous people , don't know how to love themselves , they make themselves always the wrong ones if they aren't scientifically speaking , they are not wrong , feel less than people , humiliate themselves by saying bad things to themselves , be worthless , and fail at finding happiness within their empty , helpless hearts .

- Fine , I am fine as always , I said making a fake smile and not looking at her deep smooth eyes 'cause I don't want her to see the opposite in mine . Sorry I should join my class . And I just turned around not even waiting for a respond , not even chasing the chance . And I let it go , I wished she told something more like "stop" , or "wait", or"you're not fine" , but she didn't and I left the place with a broken heart and a devastated mind .

I was on my way to class , when I saw HIM . Well , HE was standing in front of HIS closet with a bunch of boys, and I saw HIS face . HE was the kind of guys that act so perfectly in the presence of all people . The magnificent , breath-taking hollywoodian face . The tender , smooth , devine aspect .He seemed to be a good talker that never make you doubt about what HE's saying . HE can make you not to concentrate with HIS actions , so that HE save HIMSELF from being compromised . Because HIS actions are just so clear , now HE's lying to his friends . HE's moving his hands so much , which is a sign of being stressed , HE was throwing his fingers and and shaking them. HE was touching HIS hair so often . I guess , he can separate his brain into two parts , between the consciousness of the fact that HE is lying and the other part that can make fake scenarios into reality , into happening events and into a past . How can HE do this , strange . I tried to scan every detail , and I noticed that HE's talented at making eye contact . So damn talented , HE fixes HIS iris into mine and I saw the color of his eyes it was celeste . And it reminds me of the color of the sun 10 years ago when i went out with mom . The same brightness , the same glitter that crushes suddenly your eye and stick into it and you can't move your eyes from HIS . Like a sort of a colorful flash .

-OH!!! Shit HE's coming to me .

I didn't know how but I ran all the way to the class , went trough all the students , maybe pushing some of them . And I am finally in . I took my seat when the new french teacher arrived and closed the door so gently . She is obviously respecting the french classic etiquettes . She seemed to be frustrated and the knocking of the door and the sound that it made declaring the arrival of someone makes her even more stressed .

- You're late young man , please stand up there , she said to HIM with a terrible english accent .

So it's HIM the new one , none told me about that . Anyway it doesn't even matter . I am always out of the common box . HE was standing up looking at the whole class like a teacher , and all the colors went blue and red . Girls were attracted to HIM , admired HIS presence , and this fake little doggy cute smile . All hearts were melted , all the minds are manipulated , all the focus is on HIM . HE was the brighter star beating the monster of darkness , or the son of the sun pushing away rainy clouds , HE was like the moon dancing in our solar system lighting with blue all the absent souls , changing his shape , looking for the loving planet which is the earth and protecting the connection between them too .

And for a moment HE joined my eyes , and I saw this malice , anger , threat , nastiness , meanness , and every bad thing I can imagine in my entire life . Suddenly , I felt cold , my limbs were too heavy and I lost my voice . Even the internal , tender voice coming from no where that you make inside of your head is gone and ruined , found home and never came back .

I am sure of one thing , this boy is never going to leave alone .