Drunk-Ness

Once Ellie and I were there we met up with Kate and helped with the final touches. Some chips and dip on the counter and got the speaker to work for music.

The party had finally started up with people strolling in. The girls and I were drinking, dancing, and laughing to no ends. It was great and I hadn't felt so good in a long time. Some boys invited us out back to play beer pong but with three girls and 2 guys, I took one for the team.

I didn't mind one bit. I was cheering with everyone else and then once Kate and her partner lost, they both walked away together and same with Ellie and her partner.

Well shit.

I checked my phone and it was 11:09. I walked back to get another drink and had someone come up behind me while doing so.

"Someone can hang." The voice said and I turned around, it was a guy. Pretty attractive, but not my type.

"Mm, yeah. No big deal." I said and tried to create some space.

"You new? Freshman or something?" he asked and I nodded.

"Yeah." His breath kind of smelt. "I have to use the bathroom, I'll be right back." I said and took off.

I was not coming back.

Finishing off my drink, I turned the corner and found the bathroom. Opening the door I locked the door behind me and did my business. I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked good.

I was still self-conscious though. My arms were too skinny. Waist not small enough. Thighs too big.

I took a deep breath and walked out the bathroom only to look up and see the one and only standing right in front of the door.

"Nessa, please. Just take a walk with me, you don't even have to talk." He said and I nodded.

"Fair warning, I'm not sober. Anything I say cannot be used against me." I said and the alcohol was definitely hitting.

Blake just grabbed my hand and took me outside. We walked and walked for what felt like miles but was probably only 10 minutes. We found a bench far away from the party and we both sat down.

The silence wasn't awkward or maybe I was just drunk.

"Nessa," He kept hold of my hand and looked at me, I met his gaze and those eyes.

"Blake." I whispered and looked away. Tears were coming.

"Come here," He pulled me in and hugged me. I hugged him back confused as to why he even wants to. "Ness, you don't know how much I've missed you." He whispered, "I need to know."

I took a deep breath and the tears were flowing. I pulled back and looked away again, trying to collect myself.

"I'm drunk, Blake. Do we really have to do this right now. I mean why do you even care? Haven't you moved on?" I said with no tears coming down yet.

"Nessa, I've been with other girls but nothing or anyone compares to you. I was in love with you and now you show up in my life again? Out of nowhere!" He said raising his voice a little.

"Blake, I had nothing when I moved to my moms!" I stood up and moved away a bit. "I didn't have a phone. She had everything until I was 18." I stopped and looked at him, his confused look just made it even more hard.

"I could have reached out a year ago. I thought about it plenty of times but if you had already moved on, I wouldn't of wanted to fuck anything up. Then I picked a college I thought nobody I knew or know would be at. Well, I did a great job at that didn't I?"

"Baby, you're the one." He said.

"You don't know me anymore Blake! You can't say dumb shit like that." For some reason as the sadness flowed through me it slowly turned to anger.

I mean does he think if anything we just pick up where we left off? He'd be delusional.

"Fine Nessa. Same here." He stood up and started walking towards me. "We don't know each other anymore but what is stopping us from doing that?" He asked and held my hands again.

"I don't know if I can do that right now. I'm still figuring things out." I pulled my hands back and walked away, once again.

I mean how can I even go into this without it being a mess? I'm a fucking mess. Blake has never seen me with the immense amount of anxiety and trauma I have now. I can barely look at myself without cringing.

To have him look at me and possibly think he is thinking the same thing would kill me.

"Nessa!" He yelled and I stopped.

"You can't keep fucking walking away! I am here. I am trying. I want you to give me another chance, you were my everything and within a blink of an eye you were gone." He said and I turned around, tears starting to spill out.

"Blake I love you and I always will. But how can I love you when currently, I fucking hate myself. I hate the way I look, the way I talk, I have had no friends for the last year and of course I'm trying to better myself, but it hasn't worked since the day I left you. You think you want me? You think I'm the one? Well Blake, I wished you would've just fucking moved on to save us from this shit." I took a deep breathe and booked it.

Fuck.

What the fuck Nessa.

Note to self: Listen to your therapist.