NGJ Chapter 95: Atelophobia

Atelophobia: An intense fear of failure and not being good enough.

I was sitting at home contemplating what was going to happen and what I would do in response. The exorcists had long left and it was night but I just couldn't shake off the feeling so I did what I always did. Plan.

A week at most. 

It would take a week at most for Kokabiel to make his appearance.

Kokabiel.

A being that is firmly in the Ultimate tier. A veteran of hundreds to thousands of years. A being incomparable to High Tier existences.

In contrast, I am at the very pinnacle of High-Class. With my domain expansion, there is literally no one below Ultimate-Class that can defeat me. Sure in a 1 v 1, they might but I am a necromancer, you won't get a 1 v 1 with a necromancer.

My army currently is incredibly strong. Numbers nearing a thousand with half of those being stronger than Middle-Class beings. To organize it better and grasp my current standing in the world let's categorize the tiers like this.

E - Mundane, baseline to peak human. That is where I was at when I first completed the Zombie Dungeon.

D - Low Class, this is the position of power where most Supernaturals sit at. These can range from the bottom of the barrel like the new devil Issei who was barely stronger than a human to the beginning of the series Koneko who could chuck like cars like they are nothing and snap trees in half with ease.

C - Middle Class, a middle-class existence isn't too uncommon, but they definitely aren't common. A low-end Middle Class would be Kiba while a high-end Middle Class would be Akeno. Most of Riser's peerage are good showings of Middle-Class raffle.

B - High Class, elites of their race. Those of this tier are exceptional, and this is also a tier that most humans cannot hope to reach without Sacred Gears. They are Devil Nobles in the underworld, 3 pairs of wings Angels and Fallen Angels in heaven and Grigori. Beings of this calibre can shear the tops of mountains and can cause devastation on a city-wide level in the high ends.

A - Ultimate Class, it could also be called the divine level. At this level, you have stepped onto the level of gods. Almost all Norse, Olympus, and Hindu gods are at this level including those of the Biblical pantheon.

Heh, it's funny. The "Great War" is seen as this massive event in the centre of all things when it's just a civil war in a single pantheon. If a faction like say the Devils won they would actually be weaker than the other pantheons. Since all 3 races make up the Biblical Pantheon which is considerably strong but not the uncontestable strongest since the Biblical God and the original Satan died. 

Anyway, most gods are at this tier, and if you are this tier you are also as strong as most gods. Sure the weakest gods may be ranked High Tier but those are outliers. Beings of this tier can range from wiping out several cities of landmass to straight-up annihilating countries to even continents at the pinnacle.

And then there is the...

S - Special Class. Beings who are outliers, monsters of the highest calibre. These beings can destroy the entire world on their own, there are very, very few of these even across all pantheons in this universe. 

So, where I am at right now is the pinnacle of B rank. I am also not afraid of any B rank threat either but... A high tier might as well be dust to an Ultimate Tier. The difference between the two is higher than the distance between a low tier and a high tier.

I am not strong enough to win against an Ultimate Class being.

No.

I am pretty sure I am not even strong enough to inconvenience Kokabiel.

But did I need to? I already know Azazel noticed Kokabiel's movements. That's the real reason why he is in Kuoh in the first place. If I wanted to I could have Azazel sic Vali on him. Even if I didn't.

Even if I...

I...

If we did fight with Rias' group and Sona's peerage by my side we could stall Kokabiel due to his arrogance long enough for...

For... Vali to steal the show and save us by beating Kokabiel.

My body instantly had a visceral reaction.

I couldn't help but grit my teeth. Frustration.

Frustration boiled within me. I have been training for how long now? 3 Months maybe 4? I have risked my life around every corner, challenged every obstacle, struggled through the toughest of opponents. I don't stop training, I push myself daily until I shit blood and piss tears.

Hah.

It was funny. Hilarious even.

How strong would Issei become in that span of time with that intense of training? 

Stronger than me.

How strong would Ddraig be if I fed her even more twice criticals?

Stronger than me.

How strong would Rias be with that intense of training and dedication?

S t r o n g e r t h a n m e.

Hahaha.

Arent I just...

Making everything worse?

Failing.

What have I accomplished?

Nothing.

With his luck and obsession even if he half-assed it Issei could probably become stronger than me in that time frame. With dedication, Rias could probably surpass me. Maybe even Akeno could.

Despite all of my hard work. I am not even anyone special am I?

How many times have I almost died? 5? 6? In pursuit of what? Mediocrity? To barely keep pace? 

How strong was Issei when he trained with some dragon for a bit and touched some breasts? Significantly stronger than me. 

To fall behind?

Lacking.

Are you just not fucking doing enough!?

I push myself harder than anybody else. I have to push myself harder than anybody else. Because If I don't, I won't even be able to keep up. I work harder than anybody else.

Am I even managing to keep up?

So.

What the fuck are you lacking!?

'...'

♢—•♦•—♢—•♦•—♢—•♦•—♢

'What the fuck am I lacking!?' 

*Thump!*

&%/&%+/*#£'s fist hit the dirty wall of his apartment, bruising his knuckles but he did not care. His head weakly slumped against the wall as tears slipped out of his closed eyes. In his other was a crumpled piece of paper. 

A college rejection letter.

He had failed to get a scholarship, by just 5 points.

He tried his best, he hadn't slept for days and days and days. Yet it wasn't enough. He failed to get the scholarship, he couldn't go to college, he did not have the money to. This was his only chance. And it wasn't good enough.

It was never good enough. 

'Don't worry honey, as long as you earnestly and honestly work hard you can accomplish anything.' I was starting to grow resentful of those words. At one time they brought me. Now I couldn't stop myself from starting to grow hateful of them.

'If it was then why haven't I accomplished anything!?' I bit my lips hard enough to draw blood, I tried as hard I could to hold back the tears but it was useless. I could only hang my head down in shame and sob quietly. Memories resurfacing.

'I only asked you to make yourself for once and you can't even do that you useless fuck!?' *Thwack!* His meaty palm struck my face hard, throwing me to the ground. My head rang, my world spun, my face stung painfully.

'Tch, look at this bastard, now he is crying. Fuckin' shameless. *Sigh* here, stop crying and make yourself useful for once and get me a beer.' The large fat man threw a few crumpled bills from his pocket at the figure quietly shedding tears on the ground who forced back the sobs and grabbed the bills before heading out quietly like a meek mouse.

'Maybe I really am useless...?'

I wiped the tears from my face, looking at my damp hand before clenching it tightly.

'So fucking pathetic.'

I hate this.

♢—•♦•—♢—•♦•—♢—•♦•—♢

My eyes fluttered open as I sluggishly raised a hand up to my face.

What the fuck was that? Who the fuck was that?

Was that even real? Where did that even come from?

Why was that so familiar?

...Is that...

Who I was?

I thought I had largely forgotten that? I don't remember much personal details from my previous life. I thought a large part of my personal memories had been eroded by the void. 

Hah, now that I remember I don't even think Akira is even my real name.

But why did those fragments flash by me now?

As I was wondering that I heard a voice. 

"Oh did you wake up Akira?" My eyes darted over to Rias who was leaning over me, or more precisely, I was in her lap. When? I didn't even notice? Even in my sleep, I can wake up at the slightest budge. I also noticed Koneko crouching next to the couch I was lying on Rias' lap on. Koneko had an intense expression on her blank face as she stared at me.

"Rias? When did you get here?" 

"Oh, we just got here. We came here to spend some time with you and watch this Anime I brought that I thought we could watch together. Your maid let us in and we noticed you slumped over on the couch. Sorry for not asking but Akeno borrowed your kitchen to make some tea and snacks." She said while stroking my hair but I could also recognize a hint of worry in her tone. 

As I turned my head to look away from her I accidentally locked eyes with Koneko. Who after a split second of consideration held the cookie in her hands out toward me. 

"Eat."

"Why?"

Her eyebrows furrowed and before I could raise my eyebrow in question Koneko stuffed the cookie into my mouth. I raised my eyebrow at her as I chewed, chocolate chip. It tastes very good. Probably because I feel like I am starving. After chewing some more and swallowing Koneko looked more satisfied and I couldn't help but question.

"Why did you do that?"

"...You looked... ...hungry." I could tell from the minute hesitation that she was about to say something else but changed it for some reason. Then I noticed Akeno entering the room carrying a tray of snacks and my quality tea. 

"Ara~ ara~ it seems like you have finally woken up Akira-kun. I was afraid that I would have to resort to more naughty methods to rouse you from your sleep." She said putting the tray down on the table in front of us giving me an eye-closed smile while cradling her cheek.

Koneko's eyes narrowed as she pointed her finger at Akeno accusingly.

"Pervert."

"Guilty as charged~" Akeno deflected the accusation swiftly before settling next to me on the couch as I pried myself off of Rias' lap. I turned my head to Rias.

"So, what anime did you say we are watching again?" Rias smiled and pulled out a DVD case from her between her breasts. I recognize that, don't I?

"I am glad you asked, I have been holding out on watching it before the entire season was released on DVD so we could watch it together. It's pretty new. It's called Sword Art Online."

Huh, right, we are actually in 2012, aren't we? I suppose Sao would still be kind of fun to watch with others.

"Sure plug it in." Rias nodded and walked over to the CD player when Koneko rose up from her squat and suddenly crawled onto my lap. After a few adjustments to make herself comfortable, she sat content on my lap while Akeno let out an ufufu~ on the side.

"Koneko, why did you decide to suddenly crawl onto my lap?" Not that I am complaining but I didn't understand why.

"...It's comfortable." She replied curtly while leaning against me and nuzzling against me, shortly after I heard a soft rumble rising from her against my chest, sending comfortable vibrations. Wait, is she actually purring?

I don't know but it feels nice.

Walking back Rias saw the sight of Koneko snuggling against me and smiled. 

"It seems like she really likes you Akira." She handed me a portion of the blanket she brought and we set it up so all of us had a portion covering each other quite snuggly and comfortably as Rias pressed start.

This is nice.

A/N: Fun fact, cats actually purr to soothe their owners when they sense that they are distressed or stressed in an effort to comfort them.

Slowly the reasons for how Akira acts are being revealed, his initial reasons that were made worse by the void. Akira himself is slowly realizing he might just not be good enough the one thing he fears the most for "reasons". Leading to drastic reactions from him. 

"Akira" is slowly being unravelled