CHAPTER 17: Fake Faith

Faith, it is a strange word, it feels powerful when you say it. Like it may change something in you, in your life.

Except that you should have it first in order to get what you wish for. You should have faith in God, in the future, your life, the people around you.

See, there are a lot of things to have faith in and yet you'd rather have no faith in all of those matters to prevent yourself from Great Disappointments.

How can you have faith in God while there is nothing but injustice in this world.

How can you have faith in the future that is so dark and horrifying.

How can you have faith in your life when It always fucks you up.

How can you have faith in the ones you love, who leave you alone when you need them the most.

I simply suggest that you have faith in YOU and only you, because you don't owe anyone anything.

...

We lay beside each other on the bed, still under the spell of ecstasy, trying to catch our breath.

I stare at the ceiling for some time, not thinking of anything in particular, just about this moment and its serenity.

I wonder if I'd made a different decision or other choices, would it lead me to this moment? If I'd taken another way, would it be the same? I guess I will never know.

"Did you like it?" Andrew asks, with a low tone waking me up from my trance.

"What?" I ask him, still looking up at the ceiling, I honestly don't know what he is talking about and I don't want to make an effort to know.

"You know...What just happened!" He says, hesitating on every word yet his voice is steady.

I look at him in confusion, while he is already looking at me and his cheeks are bright red.

"Oh! You mean your new thing?" I say, with a smile on my face. I want to tease him a little more but he already looks very embarrassed.

"Yes. I surprisingly like it" I continue.

Andrew stares at me shockingly, he opens his mouth to say something then he closes it again. He does it two times which makes me laugh, I have no idea what is wrong with him and why does he look so shy.

"How?" He asks, his voice is shaking. I'm trying so hard not to laugh, although I can't.

He really is funny that way. "I mean how could you like it, I thought you'd be mad at me now" he adds.

"Why would you think of that?" I ask him, raising my eyebrows at him. I admit that at first I got stunned because we never done it before, but then it was cool and I enjoyed it to be honest.

"I don't know...I just...I really feel guilty about it" Andrew confesses, avoiding my eyes.

I stay quiet for a few minutes, with no clue what to say or how to console him. However, I turn to the side so now I'm facing him and I put my hand on his neck to calm him down.

But he's still refusing to look at me.

"Hey! You shouldn't feel this way" I say, almost whispering, as he decides to meet my eyes. "I just didn't know you are into it. I mean, I didn't know I would like it either" I continue, smiling at him.

"I wasn't aware that I like it that hard. I don't really tolerate violence, you know that" he says, with a pointed look. He seems serious about the situation.

"Who cares? Normal things are dull anyway" I tease him, with a lazy tone and turning so now I'm laying on my stomach.

"I'm glad that you loved it, my lady" Andrew smirks, imitating a British accent.

I laugh at the way he talks and so does he. I don't think he knows that I have a weakness towards any creature who can speak with a British accent.

"We really should try new things once a while" I tell him, putting my hand under my chin.

"Are there any ideas in your mind?" He asks as he winks at me.

I think about his question for a minute, I realise I don't have specific ideas of what could we do other than what we already did.

"How about to do it in your office. You know, on your desk" I say, with a playful tone.

Andrew stares at me, face blank. Then we both laugh and it feels real. All of it feels real to me.

"I've always wanted it, but I couldn't tell you" he says, trying to put on a smile but he fails.

The fact that he doesn't feel like telling me things he wants, is the result of the distant I am imposing between us. Actually, I've never been at the company he works at and the reason why is simply that I wasn't interested in any of his personal matters.

"You should visit me sometime, when you're free of course" Andrew continues, as I stay silent. He's hesitating, I can tell that he's expecting a rude reply.

"I will, as soon as possible" I tell him, confidently.

And he smiles a wide smile yet it doesn't reach his eyes.

"When do you usually sleep?" He asks, with a concerned voice.

"Um...I don't really have a sleep schedule, I just close my eyes and wait for it, whenever I feel sleepy. But sometimes it doesn't come at all" I say, remembering the nightmares I get or when I don't sleep at all.

Andrew stay quiet for some minutes, gazing at some invisible point before him. Just when I think he might remain silent, he sighs a heavy sigh then he looks at me.

His eyes are dark blue, they almost look black and for the first time I notice that his ocean eyes softens his features. Whereas, Andrew would've had an evil face, if not for his blue eyes and smile.

"And what do you do before sleeping?" He asks, with his deep voice and neutral face.

"I read" I answer, as he puts his arms around and pulls me to him. So now I'm sleeping on his chest.

"Anything in particular?" He asks again, his heart beats fast and I want to know why.

"Not really, I go for anything that can make me feel not me. Anythingthat can me live a life that is not mine" I say and I mean it. Isn't it the reason why we all read books?

Maybe, each one of us who reads has his own reasons.

"We were looking at the same sky together, which is maybe more intimate than eye contact. Anybody can look at you. It's quite rare to find someone who sees the same world you see" he says, or to be exact he reads. Although his voice trails off in the end.

"But we're not looking at the sky right now, Andrew" I say, trying to hide my amazement, because no one have ever read to me.

"I can bring the sky to you, if that will make you happy" Andrew promises, tightening his grip on my shoulder.

Such a big promise to make, yet he said it like it's not this subtle. I can't find words to say something back. I don't know but it feels like he said everything.

So I just shut my eyes and give myself to the darkness of the night, in my partner's embrace.

And while thinking about Damien and what if he ever comes back...