Restrictions

Until I met Jachin I didn't know the man I married, nor did I know too much else; only what Rod allowed me to know. He had molded me into the person he wanted me to be. I hadn't objected to his philosophies and thought I was supposed to surrender to him. I had surrendered to Jachin and learned it was to be by choice but he too had provoked me mentally. He occupied the majority of my thoughts and I was having a hard time sleeping for long periods of time. Every swift movement and noise had me on edge because my lover wanted to kill my husband and I knew about it. I wished for a father so bad at times and couldn't mention it, Rod enjoyed the fact I was fatherless.

Even though Broderick had said what he said to his father and had tried to say it to me beforehand I knew he didn't get it from Jachin, he didn't use language like that, I knew he had picked it up from Serenity. And he had found the journal and almost tore it up, I assumed Rod had taken if from him and put it in the chest of drawers without even opening it to look inside, but hadn't known and it was about to drive me crazy. Also Rod had practically degraded Destiny and bragged about killing her in front of her brother. He hadn't even brought it up and we had had sex, and was too calculating for me to just forget about any of it, he had to be serious about killing us.

Rod had mentioned Kelvon coming by, his new best friend who lived in Tennessee, I'd seen him with the bar-b-cue apron and his utensils, "Going to cut some cherry wood, be right back. Invite your brother, I wan't Kelv to meet him. Oh, and he's bringin' Chandrette and the kids.

"Ok."

Hell no! Not today!

I had refused to even contact Jachin again. I was not going to kill my husband but just thinking about him would develop a lust in my loins I couldn't describe if I tried to and I had concluded there had never been a chemistry between Rod and I. I was just his wife and he didn't even know what chemistry was. I would feel Jachin's aura when he wasn't around, and he had done something to me, I was high off of him and couldn't come down. When in deep thought I would be trying to eliminate the rules so enjoying his game wouldn't be convicting. His existence frightened me and I wondered what kind of demon he had picked up in that prison yard. He frequently visited and had mentioned a man named Quinn. I figured out his father had done time, and he had he lived in St. Louis with his mother for nine years but didn't attend school, he had acquired an education from the men in prison.

"My father's orders."

After ignoring every notification that came to my phone in fear it was him while Rod was back and forth from the kitchen to the gazebo, I completely turned the phone off and kept trying to read my husband. I realized I loved him again and was protective of him.

"Baby, I need a hug."

"Hold on! Why would u need a hug while I'm lighting the grill? Where are the fire starters? Oh, Jay is coming, he texted not too long after I left out."

"Oh, he gave u his phone number?"

"Well I though u gave him mine, he texted me first."

"YEA! I forgot, is he on his way?"

Maybe he can run u to the store--I need to get a few items for the Bar-B-Q, I'll tell him."

Bastard!

I walked toward the room to tell Ava she would soon have company and to straighten up and found she had combed RJ's hair and put ribbons and barrettes in his head. I took his picture and threatened to beat her ass purple like Broderick's. Jachin was going too far and what I hadn't known didn't hurt me, he had exposed my husband out of spite. He was not in control and I wanted him to know it! I was not killing my husband and he couldn't either! I would kill him first, passionately. All I knew was Roderick West and Jachin's audacity vexed me to the core. The roller coaster I was riding would give me a heart attack, "Let me heal u," or "I can't get rid of your scent," or "forgive me, I haven't been intimate in so long," last but not least "can u feel me like I feel u when u are away, I can't help it. What u are transmitting is overwhelming, u can't love him the way u pretend to. Let me heal u, the door is unlocked."

I was well! I didn't need healing until HE SHOWED UP! Or until he made me notice him. He had been following me like the man I saw at the Galleria. He was basic and hardly even noticeable but stood out like everyone else did because I noticed everything and everybody now and had seen him that morning at the post office. I was becoming mentally protective of my husband and knew who he was to me, he loved me.

I knew my husband killed people, it was his job! His body count was in the hundreds! One more body wouldn't hurt!

Sergeant West was skilled, nobody tried him! He leapt from planes for fun and grew up in a tree so why would anyone fuck with that shell shocked motherfucker? Or me for that matter, I was just as shell shocked as he was and he had done it to me. I had the PTSD, Post Partum Depression and an idiot that kept tempting my fidelity, "The door is unlocked, I miss u."

I watched my front door, I jumped each time it opened and was so spaced out when Chandrette came in for a hug. "Are u expecting? My little one is happy to see u!" She was due in January, "Girl I will remove my own ovaries before I have another child!"

"Rod just finished saying y'all were having more, he's aiming for another set of twins; be careful."

I knew what that meant and had named my dead son Roderick after him for the obituary, after he had died. As she spoke I was still mystically transcending from Jachin's hands all over me, I grabbed my neck and hadn't heard shit Chandrette had said since twins, the ecstasy I felt at that moment was strong enough for me to conceive them right then. Natural ecstasy.

Kelvon and Chandrette had two daughter's ages 6 and 3. They had run inside and straight to Ava's room, I looked in Chan's eyes and needed to tell someone. I needed someone to tell someone to tell my husband he would die if he stayed there at his own home! This was stupid and it was Christmas! I was a fragile nymphomaniac now and had lied, pretended and deceived my husband! I was playing with fire, but not the in the flames I thought--these were orange, they were angry and lacked oxygen because while playing in the midst of it I couldn't breathe. I would die, I couldn't live to see my husband killed. It wouldn't turn out good but as I looked at Chandrette she looked at me with the Oh, u know look.

"We can talk about it."

Talk about what?

"I'm fine, I get this way around Christmas, I have a lot of memories of Paul. I can see all of them back there the summer Rod was home, u remember the volley ball net?"

"Yea."

She didn't buy it but walked to the living room admiring the vases that I'd got in October, they were covered in angels.

I didn't want any company and now they had blocked my car in so I couldn't back out and leave! I wouldn't come back!

"BABE! WHERE IS JAY! HE NEEDS TO COME MEET EVERYBODY!"

I walked to the bathroom to prepare for the festivities and to try to wash him off of me. When I got inside I knelt and prayed on the oval rug. Destiny haddn't prove that child was Rod's, neither one of them and I couldn't wait to read the journal some more, what was I missing? He cheated but now so had I, I loved my husband and we could make it work; we had a family and a nice home; he wanted to take care of us not that dead bitch! He wouldn't let lust destroy that, that's all it was!

Every evening for the past 3 nights I had planned to get on the prayer line and wanted to go to church but I was ashamed and Grandma would know. I needed to drink because the liquor would overpower my fear.

More of Rod's friends arrived with their wives and I was glad so Chandrette would leave me alone!

"WILL U GET JAY TO TAKE U TO THE STORE? TELL HIM TO PARK BY THE CURB, WE NEED MORE LIQUOR AND ALUMINUM FOIL! OH AND LEMON JUICE!"

WHYYYYYY!

I'd impulsively walked to the drawer after getting off of my knees mid prayer when he'd gone away from the bathroom door, but Jachin had taken Rod's gun, I would SHOW THEM ALL!

I walked back to the shower, climbed back inside and sat on the floor after grabbing the straight razor from the bathroom cabinet, "MAMAAA! UNCLE JAY IS HEEERE! HE SAID HURRY UP! AND IT'S SNOWING!"

"Where is he?" I wiped my tears and tried to sound normal.

"In the clubhouse with Daddy!"

I jumped up washed off and was out in 3 minutes, dressed in 5. My hair was wet now and I hadn't planned on coming out the way I went in, I was tired; but now Jachin was here and I couldn't wait to get him away from MY HUSBAND! Fucking terrorist! I knew why JASPER POOLE went down and I knew why his children weren't allowed to show no emotion, it was for the same reason I couldn't love the pit bull that I thought was a family pet, they couldn't perform the way they should have but Rod had contaminated her mind, that girl was destined for something, and they didn't want her child!

They weren't on the same level like Roger had thought and he had grown up with Renell, right there in Missourri, Jasper was from Dayton and Quinn had to be locked up in Missourri, but how did my mother know him, and why? Those type of people would NEVER deal with her, she wasn't shit!

"COME ON!"

I messaged Jachin and walked toward his car that was still running and got inside watching the snow pile on the windshield.

He came from the club house 8 minutes and 26 seconds later and I had a look that could kill, he laughed.

"Where we going Nikki!?'

"JUST DRIVE!"

"OK. I don't know where we will end up at?"

"I need to go to the grocery store!"

"Ok, its one 14 minutes away."

"NOT THAT ONE!"

"Are u upset? Kiss me please, I miss u."

"ARE U RETARDED? DRIIIVE!"

He laughed again, drove to the circle, U turned and told me to buckle up.

As he drove he didn't look like he planned on stopping at a grocery store, we had passed two! I was losing my mind, my hair was wet and now I couldn't breathe through my nose in the cold weather, just kill me!

He headed toward the part of town that was off limits to me and the children, I got nervous and reminded him after riding in total silence that we had passed two stores. He laid his hand on my thigh and told me to just ride.

5 minutes later he parked at an abandoned car wash, in Hyde Park.

"Are u selling drugs because if u are then take me home! I need to get the items from the store, what the hell are u doing!?"

"Waiting for someone! Relax, why haven't u kissed me!?

When my mama walked to the car she peeked inside of the passenger window, he unlocked the door and got out, he told her to sit in the driver's seat, she walked around and got in.

I was mad but surprised, I couldn't talk to her! Rod would kill me, she was poison to his children!

"Japonica Latriece."

"Don't call me that!"

"What's wrong baby, I miss u so much! U don't look well, let Mama to pray for ya?"

"DON'T TOUCH ME AND GOD WONT HEAR U!"

"OK. I won't but I love ya and I pray anyway, he heard me and sent u. Merry Christmas, Jachin said he would bring u to me because your husband wouldn't allow u to come."

"YOUR PRAYERS DON'T COUNT! MERRY CHRISTMAS AND LEAVE ME ALONE! MY CHRISTMAS WAS NEVER MERRY AS A CHILD AND I DON'T COME BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO! WHAT DO U WANT?"

"I want u to forgive me, I can't get well until u do and u can't either."

I couldn't stand that fucking smell! I let down the window and she said, "It's alright, it will get better. I'm clean now, u can help me."

LIES!!!!

I was shaking so bad I needed a drink and didn't realize my face was wet, why did Jachin take me there? I couldn't believe the woman I was looking at was only 41.

"Why didn't u love us back then, u chose the street! U are the reason we were separated I NEED MY BROTHERS!"

"OH! I DID LOVE YALL! Mama wouldn't let me have anything to do with my own babies when I went to jail, I came back, West would lock me up for anything because he couldn't bring me down with them! She started getting the check for ya and tried to find ya Daddy to put him on child support but if he wouldn't have been locked up u would have had a father! We would have been a family. I never told u but I know Roger West and he ain't always had his hands clean neither, ask ya friend back there. His Daddy use to run with him and he knew Quinn too."

"WHO IS QUINN?"

"Japonica! Mama never told u who Quinn was? She found him in jail, got him tested. He is your father and she knew that. He would make u gifts and send them to u. We were together when he went to prison and I just couldn't handle it and turned to the drugs and liquor. I couldn't give mama the money I had been givin her and when I would come she wouldn't let me in, but she threw me plates of food on the porch, even when I got clean and came to get u. The state had Jason and Jeremiah, I couldn't get them back without a fight but I could get u. Your daddy was already in prison when u were born and I wasn't sure at first but as u grew u started looking like him."

"Where is he?"

"Around, he wouldn't have nothing to do with me now, but I see him every now and then, in his fancy car with his wife, he got other children, they much younger than u, but they around here somewhere. He tried to take care of u, u got family Baby. I'm glad to see u, I won't hold y'all up. It's cold out there. How my grand babies?"

"Good, I-I have three now."

"I would love to see them. Send me pictures, Jachin give me this phone the other day, here, put ya number in it."

"I can't Mama."

"I understand. Well I hope ya come back to see me."

"Where do u live?"

"Over there beside the store until West come run me off."

I was crying, she took her dirty calloused hand and wiped my face, kissed it and laid it on my forehead. "I hope I see ya again, pretty cold out here at night."

"Ok."

"I love u Japonica Latriece."

Then she was gone. Jachin got back inside and saw my wet eyes, "She's ok, u want a drink?"

"Yes."

He took me to a bar and led me to a booth, I didn't know whether to take his gesture as kind because it had fucked me up, I lived good and she suffered and I didn't need anymore stress! I wanted to diiie! Grandma had kept so much from me! I had to wear the hand me downs and couldn't march, I couldn't be a cheerleader, and I couldn't go to college because of her!!? I needed 6 or 7 drinks and knew then for sure Jachin had come to destroy me, my whole life was a lie!

"What u drinking?"

"TEQUILA!"

I hadn't had it since I turned 22 and ended up in a straight jacket!

Judas just watched me and wouldn't say much but kissed me somewhere on my face every now and then.

I listen to D'Angelo's voice bellowing through the surround sound in the bar and sipped the Patron straight, wanted it to burn away the pain I felt, the main reason I didn't want to see Mama because I had to see her like that! I was prohibited by Rod, I couldn't deal with her if I wanted to be married to him. I COULDN'T HELP HER! The children didn't know her, they'd better not! NEVER!

But she hadn't even asked for anything except to pray and for my phone number.

"I NEED ANOTHER DRINK!"

"Slow down, let's talk about it."

I had grabbed his collar and stuck my tongue down his throat before I realized it.

"Someone will see u."

He didn't give a fuck and had locked his fingers in mine and slid down in his seat.

"What do u really want from me, to kill myself like Destiny!? Will u feel accomplished?"

"Not until he's dead too, but I can heal u so u won't. Let me, and kiss me again, I can't leave here without u, give her the children so they will be safe."

I had laid over on him, now feeling the effect of the Tequila, and started unzipping his pants, he grabbed my hand. I needed something!

"U gotta go back home, and stop distracting me."

I had placed his hand between my legs, the Patron had sped the roller coaster up and D'Angelo was all in my ears asking me how did it feel, then came Bryson. The tequila had only intensified the ecstasy I was hot, and had come out of the wool coat I had on, it was 1 p.m., December 22nd.

The waitress returned and asked if we needed more drinks, Jachin finally decided to order himself one after saying, "If u insist." I could feel the magnetism and couldn't control my hands, satisfy me so I could go ahead die because I wasn't, he wanted me to need more! I was in turmoil turning into a drunk nymphomaniac, nobody loved me! Not Grandma, not Mama, not Rod! My life was a lie! I NEEDED ANOTHER DRINK!

" I wanna give u a lap dance," I said, and climbed in his lap in the booth without waiting for permission, initiated the seductive performance for the onlookers, I would soon be free and I didn't care who watched or who they knew, he was trying to restrain my hands but enjoying my conniption, "I want u now Jachin."

"U are supposed to be at the grocery store. I have to get back to my niece, she is with Ava and the other girls, but I can send Olivia, she knows who Rod is."

I didn't hear him because I didn't want to right then, he just needed to shut the fuck up and had said too much already!

The beating in my skull had combined with the tempo of the music above my head, I couldn't stop kissing him, my lipstick was all over his mouth and face. "Let's go," he said.

"I think u are ready."

For what?

I couldn't go to a grocery store in that condition, not drunk but horny; I needed to be satisfied and that was the least he could do because he had destroyed my family! He slowed down at the grocery store, "NO, keep going." I silenced my phone and when we made it to Moss Drive I was like a dog in heat. "I have to get my niece and take her somewhere before we sleep."

SLEEP?

I knew when I made it home I would be punished, I had been gone since 11.

"Don't leave me, I came for u."

"Are u rejecting me Jachin!?"

"Say my name again."

His words didn't mean shit to me anymore, just satisfy me, THAT'S IT, THAT'S ALL SO I COULD GO! Would they love me then? What had he expected?

"No! Give me my gun."

"U don't need it, just say it and it's done. He killed all those people in Parvan Province."

I couldn't dispute it...

"I have what u need from the store already, let's go but the door will be unlocked, take the children to your cousin, I'm serious. My father is in town and he didn't come alone."

We walked inside and I had gone to the kitchen but first looked at a child I didn't recognize. Even though there were little girls I hadn't seen I recognized Rod's child and looked at the picture of RJ I had taken before I left home, she was his child for sure and loved her uncle, she spotted him and the connection they had was nothing like the one Rod had with his own children.

"Mama! That's Carli, she is my new sister, now I have 4 and she is Kelsey's sister too. Look at her hair, I want beads, pleease!"

Rod was enjoying himself and they had moved to the Poker room. I saw him walk right past Carli and Kelsey while they played, he even smiled at the little girl and didn't even know who she was on his way to the bar, he gave me the look and walked to where I was after seeing I was home, "Fucking drunk, like your crackhead mother, Im putting u away. Did u find my strap?"

"No. I thought u found it."

"FIND IT!"

He had yelled so loud Jachin stood up and everybody got quiet, he whispered in my face with the brandy on his breath, "Your brother can't save u, I don't want him to come back, I'll have him arrested."

They all knew about my massive drinking problem...so he was only yelling because I couldn't leave without sneaking and drinking.

"His father is a Mason."

When the man came from the Poker Room I'd seen at the Galleria and made eye contact with Jachin I texted Trudy, I needed my children gone.

I went to the messenger in my phone and asked Jachin if he knew him, and he did--or at least he knew he lived across the street. On his way out he told Rod, "Thanks for the invite, see ya again--soon."