Lost in the past

Oh, right! There is something I craved deep inside me. A nostalgic memory of one of the most precious moments that made me reevaluate things and look at them from a different perspective, for their meaning and what they represent. Basically, that made me think about every object's purpose on different occasions, as symbols with a hidden yet obvious meaning. That is the best method of communication and understanding. There is no need for explanations when you know and see the patterns they leave behind. For example, one of my high school friends, the one who I thought was like my sister since she was so understanding about my family situation and always left the door open for me, gave me a gift on our graduation day.

At first, I thought it was really nice of her to do that and I had to do it as well, but when I opened it, inside was a postcard and a broken mirror wrapped in decorative paper. On the card it was written, "I'm sorry!" in capital letters. The next thing I know, she was spotted by my other friends, going to an amusement park with my boyfriend who was also my childhood friend and neighbor. I didn't think too much of the gift's meaning since they were all made up of superstitions, also the mirror might have been broken while we were at school after the graduation ceremony was over and that's why she wrote an apology. But why would she give it to me even after it was damaged? We never talked about exchanging gifts and she couldn't say that it was for the occasion either.

I didn't want to ruin my relationship with both of them over something so meaningless. However, when he broke up with me saying that he was sorry and that we should go back to how things were before, I was devastated. He and I kept our friendship going even after he started dating her and all throughout college which was cool, but I couldn't do the same thing with the one who didn't take the time to think about her friendly relationship before ruining my relationship and after all that happened she never addressed it and put the blame on my ex while she played her part on it and was as guilty as he was.

Heh, if that was not enough, she did the lowes and laughable thing in that time too. While I was with my classmate who years after become my boyfriend and then fiancé, she showed up along with some other girls from high school and without warning started pointing her finger at me calling me names, and accusing me of her break up with my childhood friend. I was trying so hard to not add fuel to the fire, but more than anything, I was embarrassed that my friend had to witness all of it while she and her group ganged up on me which caught everyone's attention.

He didn't seem that much interested in the things they had to say and I remember him looking slightly annoyed when they tried to get closer to us, he pulled me out of there before things got worse and told him everything that happened between me and her. After hearing my side of the story, he then proceeded to explain his thoughts. The more I listened to him the darker and more twisted the image of my former best friend and ex got.

Saying that she planned to stab me in the back and even gave me hints before doing so, that she used our friendship as an excuse and felt so entitled after all the help she gave me that thought that ruining my relationship was not that big of a deal. As for my ex, he didn't hold back at all, calling him a parasite, a waste of space, an unfaithful, irresponsible, and disgusting pig that plays with a person's emotions and doesn't hold accountability for his actions, saying all of it while still keeping a business smile on his face. It was a little bit overwhelming to hear it all at once, although I was happy to see that someone was on my side to hear what I had to say and explain what they think without telling me that that was a ME problem and I should keep everything that doesn't involve them to myself.

"You have been quiet for a while now. Are you sure everything is all right?"

"Huh!? Oh no, I was just thinking about something while looking at the palace. Nothing to worry about."

I got sidetracked again, but I can't think of a reason why all of that changed into something so problematic. Treating my life like a puzzle game, creatively brainstorming every possible negative outcome, and doubting everyone for every little thing they did, were not healthy and it still isn't. My anxiety is so much over trivial stuff and it all started when I got to know him better and he gave those stupid bits of advice that I still try to follow to this day. He made it sound fun and although I painted it to be worse than it could actually be, I was pleasantly surprised when it came out I was wrong.

"All objects, big and small have a hidden meaning. So just to be safe, if I am not with you there, you have to learn what could be a potential threat in the future.", he said and pulled out a book as big as an encyclopedia which was written by hand and I had to know all of them to the last one. He taught me everything I know today, about flower language, body language, and what things symbolize on daily basis and history books. To make it more interesting, he turned it into a little game of ours to pass time. If I memorized all of it I was going to be rewarded with whatever I wanted and he would give it to me, but if I did not, I was getting my reward anyways but still had to go through everything again and again. I appreciated his effort in writing and listing them for me, but now half, or should I say most of my memory are gone and the only thing that picks my interest is botanic.

"Your garden is so pretty and lively even in winter, your highness. From a first glance, anyone can tell that you have a great eye for flowers."

"I am so happy to hear that you like it, but the only thing I did was select and choose where each was going to be placed, the gardener planted the seeds and took care of all that you can see."

"Still, do you have a favorite one?"

All right, things seem to be going well and he is not trying to avoid me any more, we got to the starting point when we were walking close and looking at each other while talking. The problem is now if the answers are going to be the same or not, because if they are I'm probably going to cry after recalling the reason which put me into symbolism. So, I beg of you, please don't say that flower. Please don't say that name!!

"Hmm, I would say gypsophila. The white and purple ones are my favorite, but it is not their time yet and there is still snow piled up everywhere so it would be difficult for them to grow. If you want to see them, I can find a way to create a space with a better temperature until the seeds emerge, but it also would be easy to buy them from someone where they have already bloomed."

"?! Is that so? I have never heard of them before, but now I would like to see how they look."

I never thought the day when hiding who I am with lies and painted smiles would come and I am not proud of myself for doing it now. It hurts to fake it and it might look weird to change from someone with no lively expressions to someone whose laughing and smiling feels so natural as breathing, but...I can't seem to find another way to make this pain go away.

"I would like to talk more, but I'm afraid it's getting late and I have returned before noon."

"…!?"

I can't take it anymore. My head is heavy and my chest feels so tight I can hardly breathe. Everything has piled up and just thinking about all of it makes me dizzy. I need to go home, to my own room where I can vent my anger and let everything out peacefully without anyone looking or judging me.

He looked surprised, got closer, and asked if everything was okay. It was a bit sudden for me to say that, I usually wait until his highness is done with his work and then we spend some time together before I leave, but this time I am not in the mood for a scroll and little talks. This much was enough for today. After trying really hard to keep myself together and not being noticed by his highness about any sudden changes, he escorted me to the gates.

"Then your highness, I spend a pleasant time today and I hope you did so as well. I am thankful about the opportunity you warmheartedly gave me to visit the palace, and as a commoner as well as a rapha I would really appreciate it if his highness prohibits me from visiting this place again."

"What!?" He was so surprised he basically screamed it out loud. The way he looked at me as if what I said broke a tabu. With a shaky hand, he grabbed my shoulders and said, "Why would you say that? I don't understand why you want me to do such a thing. Was it because of what I said before about…you know?"

"About what? I don't know what are you talking about." I think I am going too far with this, but he told me to forget about it and so I did.

"…All right, even if you say that I won't do it. Rai, you brought this up out of nowhere, how do you think I was going to react? What did you think my response was going to be, huh? Yes, it was fun hanging out with you and I will do as you wish, now get out of my sight, and hope to never see you again?"

Hm!? He is taking it too seriously, he is definitely not pleased. Not only he is exerting force on his grip and the place he grabbed hurts a lot, but shouting and glaring at me with those piercing eyes. This is bad, I don't think that releasing the power of the king's eyes on me like this is good for him since they don't affect me at all, and although my shoulders hurt and pretty much I can feel like I am being squished, funny enough this was the reaction I was expecting.

"Uhm, your highness…the carriage is here. Could you please let go of my shoulders?"

"NO!" he said firmly as he didn't care if someone saw us standing in front of the gates facing each other, and glared at the coachman as if he was ordering him to leave.

"All right, understandable!" heh, I can't feel my shoulders anymore.

"Did you just laugh at me or I imagined this as well?"

Stop throwing shade at me and just tell me that you liked it, damn it. I saw you smiling just now as you said that so enough with that grip.

"Guess what, I will leave that to your imagination, but first, I might warn you about something. If this continues and you don't release me, I'm gonna slap you so hard you are going to be in bed for more than just two weeks."

"Heh, is that a threat?"

Try my bitch! If I put my hands on you, I don't care if you are the prince, the next in line to the throne, or the character I once fancied, you are going to be dead for good. If I get executed for the first prince's assassination, it's just a small price to pay for what you have done. I was going to look past your bizarre approach only because you were royalty and I needed someone like you to back me up in times of need, but stop playing dumb with me for god sake. My head is a total mess right now and everything you say is adding more fuel to the fire... so please stop provoking me with your damn hints and back off.

***