The first day of 2023

Last night you messaged me again.

'prick'.

Brief. But it was the first one in a week of agonising silence. I counted every day we didn't communicate. Every moment I thought of you felt like gravity disregarded every cell of mine except that of my heart.

I had wished you hadn't sent anything even if I didn't truly want it.

I can see the end of the tunnel for us and it isn't happy.

I replied back with the question that haunted me everyday since we stopped talking.

'U ok?'

I shouldn't have said anything.

I should have blocked you again. So I didn't feel that prick of hope that maybe we could be friends- pun intended- though that would be selfish on my end.

But I thought if you had reached out- then you hadn't forgotten of me. Because I wouldn't forget about you for a long while.

It's only laughable that I would block you again the very next afternoon after you left a barrage of "happy" messages. It was even more silencing when you did the same to me.

You hadn't blocked me before.

You said you didn't want to when I begged you to.

Does that mean you wanted to this time?

Did it feel this awful for you too?- in which case I'm sorry, but I doubt that will do much.

I wish I hadn't fallen for you.

I wish my heart didn't ache this much.

I hope you feel much less than this. I don't wish you to hurt at all.

Because I ended it first. I broke my heart so you wouldn't have to.

I hope this is the end for us.

So we can close this book because I can confidently say I've learned so much in my time with you than I have in years. I didn't know love was such a deep emotion like this. That every fibre of me would want to gravitate around you. Bask in your energy and words. Your embrace.

I hadn't been in love before it seems.

I didn't realise it hurts for so long.

That every moment away is full longing.

Dear C. I love you so much and I wish you the best the world has to offer. I hope you find someone who loves you like how you deserve to be loved. Someone who is your perfect match.

Happy new year!