Prologue

I was born with an unusual face. When I was younger I didn't understand, but my face always kept people away. It wasn't a problem with adults back then because of my early age, but children completely avoid me and that became worse and worse as I grew up.

Objectively speaking, I wasn't ugly, at least I don't believe I was and my mom also says so. She used to say I wasn't ugly, I was just different and my face prevented people from trying understanding me. I couldn't understand this until some words a classmate said made me get it:

"Don't you guys think Nick's face is pretty scary? Whenever I look at him it seems like he's mad."

Mad? Me? At the time, I couldn't understand the meaning of those words, but when I arrived home I looked in the mirror and it hit me: my usual expression seems like an angry person.

When I realized that, I immediately tried to make different expressions. I tried to smile, but my face looked weird. I tried to look sad, but it was even worse. My face is that awful? Is that why I never had friends? Is that why my classmates always avoided me?

I told my mom my worries, and with her usual beautiful smile, she said I wasn't ugly. She explained that people misunderstood me but it wasn't my fault and I shouldn't care about it because she understands me completely.

The only person in the whole world who understands me is my mom. She knows when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm mad... It doesn't matter my mood, she only needs a single look to understand my feelings.

"You're such a kind and sensitive kid... I'm sure one day you're going to have friends who will understand you. People who will see the wonderful boy you really are. Until then, you need to be strong and not worry about your look. You're my son, how could you be ugly?"

When she said that, I looked at her and I had to agree. My mom is beautiful and I'm her son, so there's no way I'm ugly. If she loves me and understands me, I'm sure someday other people will understand me too.

The years have passed and I was growing up, my face was the same way but I stopped caring if I was ugly or not and if people misunderstood me or not. It hurts that people avoided me in school, but on the other hand, my grown up neighbors liked me, they could understand me a little bit. More importantly, my mom was always there for me, in my worst and best moments.

My nightmare, though, started in High School. For me, it was by far the worst part of my life. At the beginning, it was normal. My classmates looked at me strangely and avoided me. The way they looked at me made me feel like na alien, as I wasn't human.

In my fifteen years, I was taller than most people of my age, and thanks to my mom's upbringing I was strong, a bit buff, maybe. Every day I exercised before getting ready to school at my mother's request. "If you have a healthy body, you will have a healthy mind", she used to say.

Because of that, I, who was intimidating enough because of my face, became even more frightening to my classmates and that fact attracted the attention of a group in my classroom. It was a group of four boys and their leader challenged me to a fight on the first day of school. He wanted to be the school boss and he felt threatened by my tall, strong body and my intimidating face.

I never got in a fight in my whole life, so I tried to avoid this by talking, but at school break, without listening to me, I was beaten by him, and then by the rest of the group. My body got really sore.

I felt I was treated unfairly, but I didn't know what to do and the next days were even worse. Knowing that I was actually weak instigate those delinquents to beat me even more and for three years I suffered bullying. All the money my mom gave me fell into their pockets, which means I never had lunch in school. Sometimes I was beaten for no reason, sometimes humiliated in front of my classmates.

Because of my mentality since childhood of trying hard to make friends with my classmates, I was the kind of person that always avoided trouble. I didn't want people to avoid me more than they already did; I knew if I hit back, they would be even more frightened of me.

Those were hard times, I had to give my money and sometimes I annoyed them to the point of getting beaten, but at that time, I felt like they were my first friends and I didn't want to lose them.

There was a time I realized how wrong all that situation was, but I couldn't gather the nerves I needed to hit back. Always I resolved to do something, I felt fear and I couldn't do anything.

Fear of hurt them, fear of distance themselves from me, fear of they getting scared of me and I never get to make friends anymore...

Fear, fear, fear. Fear wore out my life in high school, making it the living hell and, in the end, I didn't make a single friend. My life couldn't be any more miserable.

What kept me standing was my mom, the only good and constant thing in my life. Thanks to her, although those years were very painful, I didn't get me cornered out.

After I graduated, I started to think in my life up to that moment and I realized how naive I was in high school. I got that I had to learn how to protect myself, so I learned Muay Thai in a gym close to home. My teacher behaved very oddly about me when I started, but after some time we became friends.

While attending the cram, I went every day training in the gym and then, finally, the best days of my life had come: college. My grades were really good and I managed to get into a really good university kinda easily with a full-term scholarship.

At the start, people kept avoiding me. The boys who bullied me until last year didn't get into my university, so I was happy in neutral territory, thinking about strategies to familiarize myself with my classmates.

Unluckily for me, I wasn't very good in doing this and my face didn't help, it was hard at the start, I was avoided by everyone. One day, though, I met a woman; Nicole, but everyone called her Nicky.

We often saw each other between classes, but after a small coincidence, we quickly got used to each other. Our similar names, Nicolas and Nicole, allowed us to quickly become friends. For some reason, she was the first person that didn't intimidate herself about my face when she met me.

Since I was a kid, I never had friends of my age, the only people who are kind to me were adults. When I became a teen, adults weren't friendly with me neither, except those I knew already. So I didn't make a new friend in years.

It was a big surprise Nicky doesn't get intimidated by my face and height, she didn't seem like she was scared of me. At the start, I doubt strongly that was actually real, this never happened before, after all.

Nicky's beauty was what made it everything even more unbelievable; she was easily the most pretty girl of all campus... Well, maybe not all campus, I didn't see every other girl of the college to make a comparison, but by what I heard from other people, I believe that.

She was really beautiful, dark hair, big breasts, tall, thin waist, wide hips, long legs... I never saw a woman so beautiful in my life, and she was the first friend of my age, so I easily fell in love with her, although I was always trying to hide those feelings. I wasn't worthy of her.

Nicky was a very passionate girl, cheerful, kind, and gracious. She was constantly thinking about the welfare of people around her, always realizing how people were feeling. Her words of concern made every friend of her get amazed by her kindness. An entire line of boys fell in love with her just because of this side of her personality.

I was one of them; thanks to that side of her personality, she noticed who I really was inside and helped me to get friends with my classmates. Thanks to her, I got to make many other friends, but I always tried to stick with Nicky.

It wasn't because I was in love with her, but just because I thought she was a wonderful person. I never saw a person that didn't judge others by the look. Thanks to this feature, she was able to see the real me, who was behind that ugly and intimidating face.

How to not fall in love for someone like this? It doesn't help she's pretty and naturally kind.

For me, she was an unachievable goddess. I put her on a pedestal so high that, even though I recognized my own deep feelings for her, I never thought of trying anything like asking her out. I didn't feel worthy of her in any sense.

Curiously, we both became close friends. At first, I thought I was pushing her too hard, trying to always approach her, abusing her kindness. Over time, however, I realized that she also seemed to enjoy my company; the way she approached me many times gave me the hint.

We didn't study in the same course, and we didn't take the same classes, and yet, whenever she saw me, she came over to greet me. When I noticed this pattern in her behavior, I was truly happy to realize that she was really a good friend and not just an acquaintance.

Because of years of rejection, I knew how to judge when a person was really friendly, or when the person was simply being polite. Although I say that I have never had friends my age since I was a child, this is only technically speaking, since many people are polite enough to greet me and even talk in certain situations, for example, when we are alone in awkward silence.

Nicky's obvious friendship truly saved me. As much as I felt that I just needed my mother, there were always things I couldn't talk to her about; a part of my life that my mom probably wouldn't understand.

Since my childhood, I tried my best within my limits to make friends with people my age, so Nicky's friendship was like giving a glass of water to someone dying of thirst in the desert. I tried my best to be with her, and she didn't reject me.

We both became close friends quickly, and yet, I always suppressed romantic feelings for her, for fear of ruining our friendship. I was satisfied as long as we were friends.

Some years have passed, the happiest years of my life. My friendship with Nicky only grew stronger over time, and I even made a few other friends with her help. I couldn't be more radiant.

That was when an incident that would change my life forever happened.

One day, Nicky came to my house crying a lot and told me that she was almost raped by a guy from the university who has a bad reputation. This guy is known to be the son of a mobster, and he tried to woo her in the past year, unsuccessfully.

That day, he arrived at her house, and in front of her parents, he threatened them that if Nicky didn't become his girlfriend, he would make their lives the living hell. He was accompanied by two tall, strong guys, and her parents were terrified. They tried to call the police, but no one came, it seemed that he had dealt with everything beforehand.

Nicky tried to escape and failed, she was dragged to her room and almost raped. If it weren't for the neighbors listening to the screams and approaching to see what happened, she could have been raped in her own home.

When it became an uproar, the bastard gave up on his plans and said he would be back soon for her. After that, she ran to my house, not knowing what to do. Her parents were too scared to do anything, and it looks like he did something to keep the police from getting involved.

Nicky repeated over and over the final words where he said he would come back, that nothing could stop him. Being the son of a mobster, a normal girl like Nicky had no way to defend herself, she was in complete despair.

When I heard the full story, I was extremely furious, how dare he try to touch sweet Nicky? She is such a good girl, so kind, how could anyone have a wish of hurting her?

My mom, who quickly became friends with Nicky in the past few years, helped to calm her down, and together we thought about ways to protect her. That day, Nicky slept at my house, and the next morning, my mom and I left her safely at her house. On the way back, however, I saw him on the street; the bastard who dared to touch my friend.

My fury was so great that, when I realized it, I was driving back home quickly with my mother crying in the passenger seat, and the bastard passed out in the back.

Arriving home, I felt like I was watching a movie in the first person, my body seemed to move by itself, apparently moved by my fury. I held the unconscious bastard by the collar and took him inside the house.

My mother, desperate, tried to make me stop, but she couldn't calm me down, her words couldn't reach me. I was so far away in my fury that my mind seemed to split in two; one was my fury, which moved my body furious, the other, my healthy mind, which watched it in shock.

I could see my mother in despair, but I didn't try to do anything, I don't even know if I could do it, my fury was endless, and it moved with an objective that at that moment was not very clear to me.

I dragged the bastard's body into the house and threw it in the yard. Then I entered the house and came back a few seconds later holding a shovel. When she saw that, my mother started to cry even more, but it hadn't even registered in my mind. Seeing my mom like this should make me heartbroken, but I looked completely numb, I never felt like this before.

Without saying anything else, I started digging a hole in the backyard, and seeing this, my mom finally calmed down and went back to using the cell phone she was using since I kidnapped the bastard on the street.

After I dug a hole big enough to fit a person, I heard a voice from behind, and just from that, I knew Nicky was behind me, watching everything. But again, I didn't even react, my body seemed to be on autopilot.

The bastard was still unconscious, so I held him up again as if it were a bag of potatoes and threw him in the hole. Nicky and my mother kept calling me, worried about my strange state, as well as the consequences that this would surely have, but for me, nothing else mattered, I just started closing the hole with earth.

As I watched the bastard being buried, my fury was slowly fading, and I finally started to feel that I was in control of my actions. I also started to realize what guided my actions up to that moment; an uncontrollable urge to kill the bastard who dared to touch Nicky.

My mind finally started to take control of my body, but I didn't stop what I was doing. I quickly realized what I did, and that there was no way to fix it. I had to go to the end, I couldn't give up now that the shit was done.

My actions proceeded unhurriedly, but this time, my expression, once furious, seemed cold, indifferent. My mom and Nicky seemed to notice my change in mood, as they spoke to me again, trying to make me give up what I was doing.

"Give up? If we don't kill him now, what do you think will happen?"

Those words finally made the two realize one thing: luck was already cast, he was already kidnapped, if they didn't kill him now, he would come back to take revenge. Imagining the end that awaited them, the two remained silent while I continued to bury the bastard's body.

A few seconds later, my mother finally calmed down enough to say that if I knew that, I shouldn't have done it in the first place.

"The problem is, I didn't know that. Mom, I don't know what happened to me, but when I realized, I had already done what I did. Now, I can only go through with it until the end."

I then looked at Nicky, and my eyes started to glow with countless emotions. My feelings for her were deep, much more than I had realized before. I never thought I would feel so much hatred and anger for something they did to a person other than my mother.

Nicky seemed to feel my burning feelings, as she simply stared at me in silence, not knowing how to react to those intense feelings in my eyes.

After that, I just let go of those feelings and went back to burying the bastard alive. I cleared my mind of any thoughts and kept throwing earth in the hole.

While I was in silence throwing earth in the hole, my mother appeared beside me and knelt down; using both hands, she started pushing the earth into the hole, surprising me.

"Mom, don't do this, let me do it."

"Son... If you are going to commit such a horrible act, I can't allow you to carry that burden alone."

Upon hearing this, it was as if my heart was being torn to pieces. Tears fell from my eyes, I was so touched that I couldn't even utter the words that I tried to speak. In fact, what did I want to talk about at that moment?

I just know that a feeling of intense pain washed over my body, I finally realized the shit I did. Before, I only thought about the consequences that this would bring to me. At most, it would be life imprisonment, or I would receive death penalty. At that moment, with adrenaline pumping, these two destinations didn't look so bad; Nicky's safety was more important.

However, hearing my mother's words, I finally realized: what would happen to my mother afterward? Even worse now, as she decided to get personally involved in the situation helping to kill the bastard...

I felt horrible, the pain was huge, tears kept falling from my eyes, and the shovel fell from my hands. Kneeling on the floor, I put my hands on my face and started to cry silently, reality finally seemed to knock on my door, and I couldn't ignore it, no matter how furious I was before.

'What did I do?'

Realizing my condition, my mother approached me and hugged me in silence, her eyes also began to shine with tears, but she drew strength from somewhere to hold back the crying.

At some point, Nicky also came over and knelt beside us, tears falling from her eyes.

We remained silent for a few moments, trying to calm ourselves down, but things didn't go as I wanted; from the hole, I heard a few small moans, and I quickly got up.

The bastard was now waking up. Holding his head, he opened his eyes and looked around. He seemed a little groggy, as even after looking around for a few seconds at the place where he was, he didn't seem to consciously realize that he was inside a hole in the ground seven feet from the ground.

My mom and Nicky also realized that the bastard woke up when they saw me get up, and looked nervously, the two of them in panic and they didn't know what to do. Seeing them like this, I also froze. My body didn't move, and I watched the bastard waking up in the hole in silence.

The three of us approached to get a better look, and after a few seconds, he finally seemed to realize the situation he was in, as he looked in panic at the people over the hole. Panicked and saying nothing, he tried to get up but failed, his legs and belly were almost completely buried with earth.

With both hands, he quickly tried to make an effort to dig himself up, and meanwhile, the three of us were silent; none of us knew what to do.

I looked at the two most important women in my life on my side, and I saw the fear and despair in their eyes. Then I looked at the equally desperate bastard who was trying to break free.

Slowly, my eyes, which were shaking, began to settle; I had to do something. I also couldn't dare put this burden on either of them, after all, it was all my fault, it was me who brought us into this situation.

I took a deep breath several times, trying to calm my heart, and clearing my mind. I couldn't make any mistakes now. Getting even closer to the hole, I turned my face back and said, without looking at their faces:

"I didn't want things to get to this point... I'm sorry for putting such a burden on you two, I really don't know what got into my head when I did what I did... But now that we get to this point, I won't hesitate. Please, turn on your back. I don't want you to see what I'm going to do."

Both of them looked like statues, standing in silence, completely petrified with fear and panic. Seeing them like this, I finally took the courage to turn to them and look at their faces.

Approaching, I gently turned my mother on her back, which still looked petrified, and when I approached Nicky, she took two steps back, her eyes showing fear. Seeing this, my eyes shone with pain, realizing again the shit I did.

Taking a few more steps to get closer, she again walked away, so I simply told her to turn around, and she did.

Returning to the hole, the bastard was still trying to free himself from the hole, digging as hard as possible the earth that was holding his legs.

I watched his movements for a moment, I looked at the panic on his face, I saw the fear in his eyes, and the effort he made to get the earth off his body. That vision would remain in my mind for the rest of my life, every detail of that moment.

His fingers digging into the earth, the moans he made as he moved his arms quickly, the panic in his eyes, the drool that fell from his mouth, the way he looked at me from the bottom up trying to see if I was going to do anything thing...

A few moments later, I took a deep breath, I picked up the shovel on the floor next to me, and I fell into the hole, right on the bastard's belly, causing him to spit saliva in my shoe. He looked up, afraid of me, and tried to speak, but failed.

I don't remember anything else after I saw him on the street while driving, but seeing that he couldn't speak, a short memory of when I kidnapped him appeared in my head. When I attacked him, my first punch was in his neck to make it impossible for him to scream. I don't remember anything else, but that memory seemed so lively now that I remembered.

He tried to speak, but only moans came out of his mouth. Tears started to fall from his eyes, and the effort to speak made him drool even more. At that moment, I wasn't feeling well, I was trying to gather all my strength to do what I had to do, my heart beating fast, I couldn't gather strength in my body.

His desperate reaction, however, made me think that maybe, to him, I looked like a demon from hell. My face wasn't beautiful at all and people often misunderstood my mood, so due to his desperation, I think my face wasn't pretty in that moment.

Finally, I took a deep breath one last time. I thought about closing my eyes, but I knew I shouldn't look away at a time like this. Finally, I raised the shovel in my hand and... I don't remember the rest.

When I woke up, I was in the middle of a forest, some insects were biting my arms. It seemed to be getting dark, as the sun was getting weaker.

I got up and looked around, trees everywhere, weird trees that I have never seen in my life. Running my hand over my arms, I threw away the insects that were biting me, and examined the environment in more detail.

The plants didn't really look like anything I've ever seen in my life; they looked very exotic.

Where am I?

My last memory was of me raising the shovel to give the bastard the final blow. For some reason, by remembering this, I felt a great deal of anxiety, a desire to run to my mother's side.

Why I felt like this?

For now, I need to find her and know what happened next, because I can't remember it no matter how many times I try.

But where am I?

Looking around, I got closer to the plants and trees. They didn't look like anything from my home country. After looking around for a little longer, I followed the path that seemed most deforested and walked a few meters, watching the place in silence. After walking a few meters, a thick tree branch fell on my head, knocking me to the ground.

I tried to get up, but I felt dizzy, so I leaned against a nearby tree, but a few seconds later, I started to feel pain in my hand, and when I looked, my hand was full of little red ants. I quickly wiped my hand off the ants, and when I looked, I saw my hand full of small red pellets.

Leaving the tree, I looked around where I was, and seeing that there were no more insects around, I relaxed for a moment to finally get rid of my dizziness. I then decided to walk again in the direction I was walking before, but after I took five steps, I fell.

I rolled on the ground for a few seconds and finally hit a tree. I was very dizzy, and I felt pain in my back from hitting the tree, but I remembered my previous experience with ants, so I learned that I should get up quickly and situate myself since you never know what is around that could be dangerous.

My instincts proved to be right; after getting up, I realized that the tree I had hit was also full of ants. After recovering from my dizziness again, I looked at the place that I fell and realized it was a ravine.

I thought there was ground where I stepped because it was full of dense foliage, but it was still a ravine, and when I misstepped, I ended up falling and rolling down the hill.

"Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action."

I mumbled as I looked around in silence. Seeing that there was nothing dangerous around me, I sat on the floor and tried to calm myself.