XIII. Her

"Why is hell so… clean and white?" I whispered in Korean, struggling, as I blinked and a strong light abused my eyes. "I killed… myself… I will go to hell. I…" I didn't hold my tears when they came this time, there's no one here, I'm not eternally alone. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry… My impatience… took me to hell… I… I will never see you again… I… I'm sorry, Kit… eomma… halmeoni… harabeoji… aunt Harmony… uncle Julien… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I was weak," I shook with the tears, not bothering to cover them. "I'm sorry uncle Daniel… aunt Sofija… I'm sorry… I couldn't handle the pain… I'm so-"

"If say you're sorry one more time, I'm kill you myself," a familiar male voice spoke and I finally realized I'm not alone.

When I turned to the right where the voice came from, I found uncle Daniel sitting down in fancy pink chair, the color nauseated me, "Ahjussi?"

He clenched his jaw, "Don't you ahjussi me right now, Mischief Kalina Nosht-Choi!" I swallowed. "Die? Who said you could die?" His entire body shook and his eyes watered. "Have you lost your mind? Do you know how desperate I was when I heard your stupid audio? 'I'm sorry for this, ahjussi, I love you, but I can't take it anymore. All of my possessions are your and aunt Sofija's. Spread my ashes on the Han River in Korea.'" He quoted my suicide note and I felt my entire face burning. "How could you do that?" He cried, hands shaking. "How?"

I swallowed, avoiding his eyes, taking in my strange surroundings, then I finally noticed how I'm in a hospital bed, some kind of medicine connect to my vein. "No… no… I should be dead. Why? Why didn't work? I… I made sure to do it right, I…"

"Choi Yeji!" Uncle yelled, making me turn to him again. "Talk to me," he begged and I flinched. "How could you do that?"

"I was supposed to be dead," I countered. "I cheated death."

"Cheated death?" An unknown man burst the door of the room open followed by another group of people, "What do you mean by that?"

It took me a minute to realize what was happening, who was in front of me, where I was, how trapped I was. When I did, I'm sure they noticed, because my eyes widened in horror and I began shaking, and slowly, I made my hand grab whatever was in the side-table. There was a flower vase, so I snatched it in my hand, getting on the defensive as I reaped the needle from my vein. "What are you doing in Sofia?" I hissed, feeling cornered, slowly standing up in the bed, trying to stand as tall as the huge man in the room.

"Missy," appa tried, making a signal for the others behind him to stay calm, but that only made me more wary.

"You are not allowed to call me that," I yelled, grabbing the roses from the vase by their thorns and throwing them on the ground, not giving a shit by how the thorns made my hands bleed, all so I could use the vase as an effective weapon. "My name is Mischief."

He swallowed, clearly hating how I'm talking to him, "Daughter-"

"Don't calm me that," I hissed again, this time in English, feeling dread taking over with the pain, the sadness, the grief, everything I wanted to die not to feel. "Do not come any closer or I'll throw the vase on your fucking head. My far sight is good and I will not hesitate in doing so," I warned him, them all. "You don't… you don't have the right. Not now."

Slowly, the six men opened way for a blue haired girl to come in, to pass them, to try reach out for me, "Do you know who I am?" She asked softly, carefully, as if approaching a wounded animal. I guess I'm one.

I froze, and tears welled up in my eyes, "No!" I screamed. "You shouldn't be here," there was no breaking, not when looking at her is like looking at eomma. "Eomma," I cried, "no… no… no… no… You shouldn't be here, you shouldn't be here," I yelled desperately. "Ari, you should be in Chicago, you should be… you should stay away from me… from this… from the pain… from the destruction… from the void… away… away…" I fell on my knees on the bed. "I can't…" I turned my crying eyes to uncle, "ahjussi, I want to die… let me die… I can't handle it… it hurts too much."

"Missy," he tried to come to me, in tears.

But I shattered the vase on the edge of the bed, cutting my right hand on the process, making all of them scream, and pointed the sharp shard to my neck, "If any of you come a step closer, I'll slice my throat. I swear I will. I cut my wrists once, I won't think twice before doing that."

They all froze, horrified.

"Missy, careful, please, you can't do this," uncle tried.

"Sister," the tall boy with blue eyes cried, "let us talk, please."

"I'm not your sister," I hissed, "Ari is. I only have one brother… I…" my entire being shook again at the memory of Kit. "I… Kit…" I cried, "Kit is my only brother… Kit is my everything. He..." taken over by another strong wave of tears, I sat down, throwing the shard of the vase I had in my hand on the window, breaking it on the process. "I… I miss him so much, it hurts… it hurts… this… this void… it's consuming me… I… ahjussi…"

"Ah, sweetheart," uncle finally got to me, then hugged me tight.

"Ahjussi… I should have been there… I… I should have died…"

"No," he denied crying. "Don't say that. Don't."

"I shouldn't… I shouldn't have said what I said… I never said it… I… never said I love you, ahjussi… I… I should have told her…" I shook, crying, not giving a shit who was watching. "I… I should have been in it…"

"What… what happened to your little brother?" The tallest guy in the room, one I feel weirdly familiar with, asked.

I froze, "What do you mean what happened to him?" I hissed. "Is that a joke? Are you fucking joking with me right now?" I pushed uncle away, focusing my glare on the tallest boy, had it been before, I would have been dumbfounded by how handsome he is. Not now.

Uncle pressed a hand on my shoulder, "I didn't tell them."

My eyes snapped to him, "What?" My voice broke.

He swallowed, "You made me promise not to. They don't know."

Trembling, my eyes fell to my bleeding shaky hands, "Hah… this world is fucking with me. If eomma saw me like this… she would say I've lost my mind, that insanity finally got a hold on me," clenching my jaw, I hit my head on the bedframe once, twice, thrice. "She couldn't be more right. She was right this whole time."

"Stop that!" Uncle gasped. "She didn't meant what she said."

A bitter smile curved my lips, "I want to believe that, but I can't. I am unable to be fooled. Maybe she stopped meaning it, but every time she threw her anger on me, she meant it. I can't even blame her anymore."

"Where's she, Mischief?" Appa asked and I flinched.

Feeling my world crumbling again, I hugged my legs, shaking, "In a place so far you won't be able to get to her," I whispered haunted. "She was here, but she's no more. What she once was is lost in the dust that shall dance with the wind of the tallest building I can find. She abandoned me."

"Stop with the riddles, for fuck's sake, where is our mom?" She yelled at me, but all I saw when I turned my eyes to her, was eomma. Was eomma yelling at me, to stop being a freak and be helpful.

"Eomma, why is your hair blue?" I asked, feeling tear roll down my cheeks. "Eomma, why did you left me? Why was I never enough? Why did you throw your weight on me? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why did you force that on me? Why did you refuse to see me? I've always been here, but you never looked… you never looked at me. Why don't I look like you? Why? Why? Whyyyyy?" I yelled, crying, lowering my head to my knees, grabbing my hair tight with my bloodied hands. "I should be dead. I should be dead. I should have taken it."

"Take what?" She yelled. "You will drive us insane, talk normally."

"The train!" I screamed at her and she flinched, eomma with blue hair flinched, and so did all the huge man behind her. "I should have been in that train. I should have died on that train. I was supposed to be in that train… I… I… should have died in the accident," again, I shook with the tears, the pain, the guilt. "I should have been in that train… I'm sorry Kit, I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry…"

"Train?" Appa asked haunted. "She isn't talking about the train that left Sofia in June and crashed in Serbia, right? The one where everyone-"

"Died!" I screamed, crying. "Everyone died. They are all dead. They are all dead. Everyone is dead, so why am I alive?" I yelled, in pure despair, facing him again. "Why? Why? Everyone I loved… everyone… Everyone is dead. Why? Why? Why? Why am I left behind? Why did I fight with eomma? Why?" I jumped from the bed, pacing, and everyone took a step away from me. "It's your fault!" I yelled at blue-haired eomma and all the men shielded her from my wrath. "It's your fault, Choi Ari. It's your fault, they died because of you!" I screamed. "You Euphemia Arianne Nosht-Choi, is the reason of my misery. Your fault. It's your fault!"

Strong arms grabbed me by my waist, yanking me off the ground, and I fought against it, kicking and punching, screaming like a beast, like I went insane. Maybe I did.

"Why did you ruin me?" I screamed. "I was dying, why did you had to destroy everything and save my life? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why can't you let me see them? I have to see Kit," I kicked the person again, trying desperately to get free. "I'm the only one who can put him to sleep," I cried, "he's scared of storms… he needs my protection… he needs me… harabeoji and halmeoni need me… they need me… eomma went insane because of you and they only have me to count on… please… let me go… let me go… let me go… I need to see them… I… please… please… They were scared… eomma and Kit were… they were scared…"

"You don't need me… you… you don't need me… I fulfilled my promise to eomma… I found you… I found appa… you don't need me, you have each other… you have love… let me die," I screamed. "Let me die, please… I have nothing else… aunt Harmony and uncle Julien died… my grandparents died… eomma… eomma and Kit died… I… have to be with my family, please, please, please, pleaaaseeeee-"

Someone stabbed a needle on me.

I can't see who it was, who is here, who is holding me…

Everything is blurry…

"Eomma," I cried. "I'm sorry… I don't hate you… I don't hate you... I'm sorry it took me so long to get my phone… I'm sorry I didn't find them before… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm… sorry…"

Darkness hugged me again, and I hugged her back.