Chapter 21

I didn't go to school the following week because I was waiting for it, and because I was still very sick. And it came. Mom came into my room, hugging me and trying not to cry.

"Be calm, darling. You really need to be, there's something I need to tell you" She helped me sit up. Mom was already on her eighth month running. The pregnancy I mean. Cameron was still not back.

"What is it mom?"

"Your friend, ...your friend, Joe..." She stuttered, trying to look all right.

"Joe is dead?"I asked carefully. She nodded slowly, unable to process everything. Now the tears ran down her face freely.

"How did you hear it?" I asked. Mom was surprised to find me calm.

"Someone told me this morning. I went there to confirm it, you were still asleep when I left...I ..." She broke down in tears and i just watched

"Mom, don't cry please" i told her. "It's fine" i already knew. I didn't say that to her. He already told me. He told me he was going to a better place and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it from happening. It was already sealed, so why should mom cry? It hurt. It really did. It still hurts but I'm better.

"Mom, Joe is in a better place. He told me last week" Mom embraced me and cried some more, but I tell you, mom was not as hurt as I was. After a while, mom left my room. Still I didn't cry or shout. I just laid down and had a long sleep.

Not until we attended his funeral. It was a mass funeral, many patients died at the hospital, so there were many people at Joe's funeral. Mom begged to let us bury his body separately. They agreed and gave us his body but I knew that it would not be possible. We were not going to be the ones to bury him. Actually, the thing was, mom didn't tell me when the funeral would be, or where it would be done or how. She didn't want me to know. She went there without telling me where exactly she was off to. Only thing she said was, she had some business to attend to in town. It was on a Friday morning but neither of us went to school or work as the case might be.

So, like I was saying, mom came to my room, kissed my forehead, and told me quietly: "I'll be out for an hour. I have some urgent business to attend to, in town. Stay peaceful, baby". I nodded, sickly. Little did she know that Joe already told me everything. Including when and where and how he would be buried.

After mom left, I got up and wore a black clothing I had and went to the venue given by Joe. Mom ran up to me, surprised at all that was happening. And it was at the funeral that mom realized how much of all that was happening I already knew about. It was hard for me. Mom could see. She made a decision that night that we'd leave the city the next week. Go far away and start new lives somewhere else. She wanted me to forget everything. She wanted us to have peaceful lives.

On the night after Joe's funeral, I screamed, pulled my hair and hit the door, punched the wall and hurt myself. I felt the weight just then. Anita's death didn't hurt me as much as Joe's did. I told Mike about it and he consoled me. I only felt better after he sang and danced for me. The weight of his loss was still there like a hole in my heart, but at least Mike reduced the depth.

At Joe's funeral, something spectacular happened. But not surprising because I was already told about it before it did happen. Some men came when mom and I with some other people were following the two men carrying Joe's body to the grave we specially prepared for him. Three men. They were not anything out of the ordinary. In fact they were dressed in black, like we all were.

"Stop!" They commanded us. I was very close to one of them. I saw the Wolf sign on their lower backs which were slightly open. You would not see it if you were not near them like I was. They were men from the Blue wolf cult. They made us release his body and we watched them leave with it. I already knew that would happen. Mom was shocked and unimpressed but I was just normal?

The nightmares that followed me after that day were many. First, I saw again that the baby in mommy's stomach died. Maybe it was because of my fear , whatever it was, it looked really scary to me.

And at the end of the week, I fell sick and at the hospital, my doctor diagnosed me with PTSD--Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He said I was too young to face that but mom told him that I had a lot going on in my head,and around me. She told him about how I lost two friends in barely two months, she told him how I got bullied everyday until few days before his death, she told him how much stress I went through everyday to assist her in house chores, she also told him how much of an asshole my father was. The doctor placed me on treatment, prescribed some drugs and told Mom to take good care of me. I was discharged the next day. The doctor also attended to mom's pregnancy etc. You needed to see my mom; she could not walk properly anymore. Her stomach was getting bigger.

Cameron was still nowhere to be found.

After I was discharged from the hospital, I went straight to my room, locked it from inside and went to my desk. I walked ahead of mom when we got to the house because I didn't want to talk to her or to anyone, not even Mike. I just wanted to be on my own. As I walked to my desk, my foot hit something soft and fluffy and I bent down to pick it up. It was a small white bag, very small and fine. It had a golden latch on it that shone in the sunlight. It was already a bit dusty, so I shook off the dust and put it on thighs while i sat down. I knew who it belonged to. It was Joe's. I knew because I had seen it with him once or twice. He must have forgotten it in my room on his last visit to my place. The last time I saw him alive.

I put it on my nostrils to inhale the scent. It smelt like flowers and it made me smile instead of cry. "Joe, I'll keep this with me, as long as I live. I know you left it with me on purpose.

This life I'm living is for both of us. I hope you're in a better place" I mumbled to myself. To the white fluffy bag rather. Then I put it in my drawer and closed my eyes. My head was pounding real hard.

"Ariana" i heard mom's voice just then. It was soft and dreamy. Like the voice of someone who just woke up from a beautiful dream. Like the scenery in a beautiful waterfall. She was at my door, pleading with me to let her in. I heard her but it felt like I was not present in the room, my feet would not move and I just kept my eyes shut. Numb was the word, I think

I was already numb to emotions at 7. Maybe not numb because I still felt anger and I could only show it by destroying things. Only God knew how many times mom had had to get my door fixed, after I broke it like twice, and destroyed the handle multiple times. Even me didn't know what strength came over me but I really think it's the aftermath of the build up of anger. It was one of the things Cameron fought with mom over, but how else could a little girl show her pain? There was a time I was so mad that I jumped over my bed and ran all the way to my door to hit it. I had on thick leather boots for that purpose. I hit and hit and punched and punched until there were visible marks on the door. Mom changed my door from glass to wood when I turned six. My door was first glass, oh, how it suffered so much in my hands. I punched and hit it until the whole glass shattered to pieces. Cameron was home then. He got so mad at the destruction that he yelled at me. Mom defended me and asked him to stop yelling at him, claiming that if he were a better father, maybe I wouldn't know how to destroy a glass door. Then, that escalated real quick into a serious argument which later ended with mom being pulled by her hair into their room, where he made sure he beat her mercilessly.

There was nothing I could do, so I'd just keep destroying things in my room and destroy what's left of my door. One minute, I felt bad for getting mom beaten, another minute I would get mad at Cameron for beating mom or even getting angry in the first place. Since Cameron diverted his anger towards mom, I stopped destroying my door. For Mom's sake. I diverted my whole energy to my wardrobe instead, and my dresses and shoes. Mom had another door fixed to my room and it was smooth wooden. She had planned to get an iron door but Cameron would not give her any money to support that. The best she could afford was wood, so she got a wooden door fixed for me.

Whenever I was angry and tempted to kick the door, I would instead fling all my dresses and shoes in the air and match my feet on them, yelling and holding my head. Ironically, it helped me feel better. It was an outlet for the anger buildup.

So I still have the wooden door intact even though I've promised myself to destroy it before leaving with mom. On the day mom and I with the baby would leave Cam's house, I would not only destroy the door, I'd also destroy the floor with a sledgehammer. I have one in my drawer. I wanted Cameron to have something to be angry about as we left. Just then, my hands touched the sledgehammer still in my drawer. I grabbed it and made a quick, quiet walk to my bathroom. I didn't have any plan. I just wanted to avoid mom or avoid her seeing the tool with me. Maybe I could destroy Cameron's glass window and door and break the tub or the floor. (Later) Maybe not then, maybe on the night preceding our departure but I had to hide it somewhere else. Mom could easily find it in my drawer again, and I didn't want that.

Actually it was my second sledgehammer. No I mean it's the same one but Mom had seen it at first and hid it, wondering what I needed it for. Or maybe she knew and was trying to avoid me destroying the wooden door she got fixed for me again.

She actually did come to my room when she thought I was sleeping at a time, and started to search for tools. I knew because she was talking to herself all through.

She found some nails, some pins, those boots I used to kick things and then the sledgehammer, which had 39-inch handle and weighed about 12 pounds. She took everything away.

I would not let her this time.

"Ariana please open the door" mom's voice came again, jerking me out of my reverie. I looked round the bathroom for a space to hide it but there was no hidden space. Everywhere was open. Then an idea struck me. I went back to my room to hide it in the tile under my wardrobe but I changed my mind; it was no longer a secret place. Mom already found out the place.

Where else can I hide it? I thought. It would be better for me to carry it with me to school everyday. So I put it in my school bag and sighed. I hung the school bag on the wardrobe and made a deep breath before going to the door.

"Ariana, are you there?"

"Yes mom" i said, unlocking my door. She looked relieved to see me and she scrutinized the room before walking in. She looked pumped as usual, her breasts and bottom fuller and her stomach bigger. She went over to my desk and sat down. I sat on the bedside to face her. She was staring at me intently. I knew she was concerned about me.

"Ariana, are you okay?" She asked. I nodded slowly. What does she expect me to answer with? I wasn't coping well; I was still grieving but I guess "I'm okay" is what people who are not, say.

"My daughter," she said joining me on the bed, and hugging my shoulders.

"I need you to be strong. For me, for your baby sister and for yourself" she encouraged. "I know everything that's happening or that has happened is taking their toll on you, but please be fine. Please darling, I want to see you happy, you know that's all I'm living for" I made some incomprehensible sounds and waited for her to continue because it appeared there was so much words in her mouth to say to me.

"Joe already told you that he's in a better place. Can you hold on to that and get some succour in that realization?"

"Succour? Do you mean solace, mom?" I asked

"Yes baby. Let that fact make you be at peace with his departure. And you know, darling that on the last day, in heaven, we all will meet at the Lord's feet and not be separated forever, everyone of us" she said, forcing a smile.

"Everyone? If Cameron will be there, then I'm not going to heaven. I'll stay here" I said ignorantly. She sighed and just looked out the window. I was sure she was trying to change the topic.

"Do you feel better today?" She asked out of the blues.

"Not really. I'm not strong enough to resume school yet" i replied honestly.

"Right. I understand, and I'll not force you to go to school. You can take as much time as you need. You can resume school next week or next two weeks, I'll take some permission for you from your school, tell your teacher what happened to Joe in case they do not still know, okay?"

"Okay, but..." I thought. I didn't need time to heal before resuming school. I didn't want to go anymore. I didn't want to go near Enchanting Promises High School. Not anymore. I was done. I needed mom to understand.

"Mom" I said. She rubbed my head and used her fingers to comb my long, thick dark hair.

"Yes darling. Tell me"

"Mom, I don't want to go to school, not next week, not next month, not anymore. I don't want to attend that school anymore. I don't even like the fact that we are still here mom. You promised to relocate us, not?"

"Yes that's right, my darling" she said, sighing twice. "But I need to divorce him first" she said it and plumped her lips immediately after, like she regretted being so honest about it with a little girl like me. I shouldn't hear about my parents divorcing but little did mom know that I was totally okay with it.

"I have a stepsister in Georgia. She isn't married and has no kids yet, and I do not want you to stay alone with her. The thing is, my family and I are not United. I told you that. Even if I didn't, you must have noticed. Only my mom and I were close before her death. I don't even know my biological dad."

I sighed.

"I can't put you with someone I barely talk to. I can't. So we have to leave together, you , the baby and I. That's why I'm trying to get Cameron to sign the papers. After that, we'll leave" she said. She looked so uncertain. Like she was just talking out of a faint hope.

"Why isn't he signing it?" I asked. "How long will it take him?"

"He doesn't want to" she said. "He doesn't want me to leave" she shook her head. "But don't worry darling, Nora and Jack will help me"

"Who's Jack?" I asked. She stared at me intently then her face broke into a smile.

"You'll meet him soon. He's a very cool guy" she said blushing.

"Okay mom"

"Yes darling, everything will be fine soon. Tomorrow will be better" These words were so soothing that I smiled. I started to imagine my baby sister and I playing together, mom and my new dad laughing and kissing each other while we kids played. It was going to be so much happiness for us all. She rubbed my hands for a while before standing up. Then she went to my bathroom, and came out looking pleased. "Your bathroom looks clean"

"I cleaned it" i replied.

"Good girl! Good job" she smiled and i returned the smile. Then she looked around my room. I started to fidget, I didn't want her to see my bag where I kept the sledgehammer. But she saw it.

"Your schoolbag looks dirty" she shook her head. "I guess I could do some laundry today before Cameron arrives" she started to roll up her sleeves. Her skin was really glowing. Her eye looked better too.

"Cameron is returning today?" I was shocked

"Yes, oh I'm sorry I didn't tell you. He called me to say his flight down here is scheduled for 4pm. It's only 12pm, so I could still do some laundry and afterwards prepare food for him before he returns" she said pulling out my laundry basket and then reaching for the bag.

"Oh mom!" I said stopping her.

"What?" She was startled by my reaction.

"I'll get it for you. Go on mom, go to the kitchen,I'll do the laundry. I promise? I will put all my dirty dresses in the washing machine. You already showed me how to use it" I said giving her a reassuring smile.

"You sure darling?" She insisted

"Yes mom, I'll do it just fine. Just go mom" I pleaded. She then gave me a thumbs up and walked to the door. "I trust you" she said and left. I heaved a sigh of relief.

"I almost got caught" I said to myself. I quickly took out the sledgehammer, put it in my many clean folded clothes and dumped the empty bag in my laundry basket and pulled it out, after mom, without forgetting to shut my door.