Another slightly unusual day

"I don't wanna be a fool for you! Just another player in your game for two! You may hate me but it ain't no lie! Baby bye bye byeeeee..!" An incessant, off key voice echoed out in the dark stone halls dimly lit by torches.

Two very clearly annoyed guards stood in the hallway ajacent to where the man singing was. They were dressed in pitch black robes with thick hoods concealing their faces. While both cut a very intimidating appearance, they both seemed to be on the verge of losing their minds.

"SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!" One of the guards, who had been listening to the horrible singing for twenty minutes screamed, which did seem to stop the terrible singing, if only for a moment.

"Fuck you! I've been stuck in here for three fuckin' days! No food, barely a little bit of water.. But worse!? No internet! You took my cell away! You can starve me, beat me, yell hurtful words at me.. But boring me to death!? You cultists are truly heinous!" The man yelled back, his voice laced with mockery and mild amusement.

The offending guard looked to his fellow cultist and clenched his fists in severe annoyance.

"Just.. try to ignore him. He's not going to live much longer anyway. High priest Istvan thinks he might be the sacrificial pawn we'd been looking for.." The calmer guard noted darkly, taking the angry cultist's mind off the man they'd been guarding.

"Haah.. yes.. yes. It's as you say, brother. Where did you even find this imbecile..?" The cultist asked, taking deep, calming breaths.

That's when the man spoke once again. "Oh you wanna know, Edgeworth? At first.. I was having a normal day. Woke up, ate fruit loops, took a big swig of nearly flat mountain dew.. Saw Deapool and Wolverine. Pretty normal day right? That's the issue, though. Any time no weird shit happens to me for longer than an hour? I know a shitstorm's coming my way." The man narrated, this time, without the interruption from the two cultists he had gotten to know since he'd been kidnapped.

Seeing as he went uninterrupted, he continued. "Then after I saw the movie, I went back home. On my way back though, I ended up getting whacked on the back of my head. When I woke up, I was strapped to a bed in some dude's house. Naturally, the first thing I did was check my asshole to see if I was Bill Cosby'd. Oh, wait.. No FIRST thing I did was loosen my binds by spitting on my wrist... a lot. So, yeah. Then I snuck around, stumbled on some rooms where the guy stores his food, sex slaves and.. I guess regular slaves? Yeah, I woke up in some cannibal's fuck house, pretty much." The cultists slowly look at each other, sensing the shock in the other, despite their faces being obscured.

The easier to anger cultist looked down the hall where the man was sitting in his cell before getting closer to the calmer cultist. "Is that.. where you found him?"

The calmer cultist sighed and nodded his head. "Yes. We weren't expecting much when we arrived at the manor. We assumed the man kidnapped him for ransom. But as we walked inside, we saw said cannibal on the floor, with 'him' still beating his already caved in head in with a frying pan."

"To be fair, he threatened my balls. Said it was the most delicious part of a man. Miss me with that gay shit. But y'know the craziest thing I saw there was a mind goblin.. The guy kept it in his basement." The man sounded absolutely astonished and shocked as he finished his sentence.

"...."

"...."

"Mind.. goblin..?" "DEREK, NO!" The calm cultist tried to warn, but it was too late.

"Mind Goblin this dick like your girlfriend Sara did yesterday?" The man calmly replied, but they could both feel the shit eating grin from there.

The easy to anger cultist immediately flushed red with rage. "What the fuck did you just say!!? How do you even know her name!?" He began speed-walking down the hall and punching the iron cell wall.

"She told me, mid succ. Though I just kinda guessed. 'Thara' sounds like a fantasy name and I was five inches in her mouth at the time, so..-" *BANG* The enraged cultist smashed his fists on the door before turning to the calmer cultist.

"Open the door!! I'm fucking killing him!!" The calmer cultist sighed and raised his hands to placate his friend.

"Easy.. He probably just heard you talk about her. Sound travels far in here. Relax." His words seemed to work for a moment, until their prisoner started talking again.

"Blonde hair, C cup tiddies, mole under her right cheek. On god, she gave the best head I ever received. Always the crazy ones though... Why're you mad? Unless..? Did she give you a kiss afterward?" The wide open, joyous smile immediately had the cultist guard frothing at the mouth.

"OPEN THE DOOR!! I'm going to beat this asshole to DEATH!!" The enraged cultist screamed.

"Brother Derek, I'd appreciate it if you could withhold from doing that. We're about to begin. I could hear you all from the sacrificial chamber.. I must say though, your cannibal story only confirms my suspicion about your true nature. You'll be perfect, I'm sure." A bald man in more luxurious black robes walked over from outside, immediately silencing the two cultists with just his presence.

Though his appearance certainly reinforced any fear one might have towards him. He was sickly pale and bald, with an aged, scarred face with milky grey eyes that held a certain madness to them. He stared at the man they had captured with an eerie grin. As if he saw something only he alone could see.

"Stop it. I don't swing that way. And even if I did, I could do way better than Voldemort's fugly uncle." The man recoiled in disgust, wiping the smirk off the lead cultist's face.

"Bring him to the altar. It's time." The leader turned away with a sneer. "I'm going to gather the flock."

And just like that, he knew he was fucked. Though he figured that out days ago when he was brought into the cultist hideout. Jack's life had been nothing but nonsensical chaos most of the time. Even days prior when he met that depraved cannibal, he hadn't truly been shocked or terrified. It wasn't like that was his first time meeting a cannibal anyway. It hadn't even been the most extreme or random thing to happen to him. Nor was the cult kidnapping. Though, now, he felt like he wasn't going to get out of this place.

As he was dragged into a massive candle-lit room, he inwardly felt a sense of unease. The altar he was sure he was going to be sacrificed on looked like the most ominous thing he had ever laid eyes upon. But he figured that made sense, due to the Cult's figure of worship.

"Come, my flock. Tonight, we sacrifice in the name of Nyarlathotep..! The Crawling Chaos!" The leader announced fervently, guiding over a hundred cultists into the sacrificial chamber.

"Fuckin'.. H.P Lovecraft. Oh shit, is that 'Thara'?" Jack called out, looking at a shorter hooded cultist member, who seemed to shy behind another cultist.

Derek, the angry Cultist, growled and pinned Jack's hands to the top of the altar, his fingers squeezing down on his wrists.

Despite the unease he felt being held against the altar to an Eldritch god, Jack stuck to his favorite motto, passed down to by his father.

"Life is crazy, son. People are crazy. Know what you do, once you're confronted with that craziness? You fucking out-crazy them, Mothafucka! Piss in their eyes and fuck their wives! You might take a few losses but nobody'll wanna fuck with you. Unless they gank you." Jack smiled as he remembered his Father's wise words.

The ritual started, though Jack wasn't really paying much attention. He caught every tenth word, but it was all gibberish to him. What he was more concerned with, was the strange quiet that nobody else seemed to notice. Like something was about to go horribly wrong again. The leader raised a black dagger and shouted three times before plunging down at Jack's heart.

And the world went dark.

*Sip*

The sounds of someone loudly sipping from a cup snapped his attention behind him. And sitting there, on a chair that mysteriously appeared in the center of the now dark room, was something indescribable. Jack felt his eyes burn and his mind slowly unravel as he stared at the being he was pretty sure came from a fucked up nightmare H.P Lovecraft had when he was on drugs.

"Oh whoops. Sorry, I'm indecent." The eldritch being apologized casually, with a velvety voice that betrayed its horrifying appearance.

Then, suddenly, the being was replaced with a handsome white man in a white suit and black hair. The man smiled and put a large mug of coffee down before walking up and sitting on the altar next to Jack. He blinked the temporary madness he was afflicted with and sighed.

"So.. I died right?" Jack asked, looking up at the admittingly stylish man.

"Oh? You think so? Well, the last thing you saw was a knife, so I guess that'd make sense." The man hummed thoughtfully, then smirked and shook his head.

"But no. You never left the cultist's hideout. It's just too dark to see all the bodies here. I actually killed everyone but you." The suave man corrected.

"Shit! Isekai was on my life's bingo card too.." Jack clicked his tongue in annoyance and stood up, squinting his eyes to see the very dead bodies of the cultists around him.

He almost feld bad for a second. But then shrugged the feeling off. They worshipped a being beyond their comprehension. One said to be quite evil and destructive towards humans. Or, in simpler terms: They fucked around and found out.

"Ha.. Well, now that you mention it.." The man snickered, clearly amused.

Jack spun around, almost weirded out. "Wait, seriously? You'll isekai me? I dunno.. Sounds too good to be true.."

"Well I wouldn't offer this to anyone else. I tend to favor my kids above all. Oh, you must be confused.. See, you may have had a Father, but he wasn't your 'Daddy'" He almost seemed to be on the edge of laughing at Jack's unsettled expression.

"Bro.. Can you phrase that better while I go look for any cameras that might be recording me? This seems 'too' nonsensical, even for me.." Jack huffed while urging him to continue.

"Ha! Well, I don't mind. Your soul was made in my domain millions of years back. As such, you carry some of my blessings. Chaos frequently occurs around you, but you often come out unscathed. That's due to me. Get it?" The man asked, watching in amusement as Jack actually looked around for cameras.

Jack stopped after a minute of fruitless searching and looked at the man.

"So.. free Isekai? What's the catch? I don't fully buy the 'you are my son' excuse, Daddy." Jack replied, sitting on Derek's mostly intact corpse.

"The catch huh? Hm.. if there was one.. I'd say to entertain me. Your blessing will carry on, even into said Isekai. So my amusement's pretty much a slam dunk. If that's all..! I have a wheel for you to spin." The man stood up, pulling a colorful wheel with neon lights out while giving Jack a dickish smile.

"Oh, hereeee we go... Alright let's see.. 'Wheel of Incarnation'?" Jack read out the title and looked at the man suspiciously.

"That's right! No more limited human body! Powerful character's bodies have all been set for this wheel. Just take a spin and off you go~" The eldritch outer God narrated mischievously.

Jack paused for a second before looking down at his own body.

"Ah, fuck it.. Not like I'm that attached to it anyway. Spin the ULTRA RARE Gacha, baby!!" Jack shouted while spinning the wheel hard.

He noticed some notable characters. Cid Kagenou, Ainz Oal Gown, Scathach, Rimuru Tempest, Alucard, Ywach, Anos Voligoad. But when the wheel settled on one name, he scratched his head.

"Lucoa? That sounds familiar but.." As he thought about the familiarity of the name, he realized something had happened near instantly.

First off, he felt incomparably stronger. Second, there were horns coming out of his head. Third, his hair was pretty long and silky. Fourth, and most importantly..

"Massive fucking titties.." She, looked down with wide eyes before hitting her palm.

"Oh yeah.. That ara ara Dragon lady everyone ships with a shota." She slowly nodded to herself, also noting her sexy voice.

"Mmmhm. Not bad. But it could use some more.. Power level'll let you in most worlds buuuut..." The man tapped his chin, then snapped his fingers, as if he had an idea.

"Oh! I'll let you learn world exclusive skills and energies. Like magic and ki. But you'll have to train those. All right. Lucoa Quetzalcoatl with infinite potential. What can go wrong eh?" The man nodded to himself, though Jack (Now Lucoa) was a bit too busy seeing how flexible her body was.

"Holy shit I can almost pull my leg fully back.." Lucoa gasped, unaware or uncaring about the smirk the man was giving her.

"All right, off you go! Just don't wander into any God's territory yet. Lateeeer~!" The man laughed as Lucoa suddenly fell through the floor via a comically large hole that appeared beneath her.

"Ah.."