Chapter 9

Rhodri's short laugh was bitter.

"Fear not, fair maiden. I'll no more turn you over to the tender mercies of the clergy than you will me. Though I am sure you will consider it after what I am about to tell you."

"What is it?" Never in her life had Selene heard a voice so bleak, so devoid of hope.

"During the siege of Acre, there were some Saracens who sided with the Crusaders, camped with us outside the town. One was a healer, a wise woman with a daughter and a son. The son was loyal to Saladin, and became one of the hostages held by the Crusaders to ensure Saladin's good behavior. The daughter was a beauty, and I, fool that I was, believed myself in love with her."

"Oh, Rhodri! What happened?"

"Zara was selling her mother's potions in the bazaar when we met. We became lovers, and when she conceived, I coerced her into marrying me. I was the second son after all, with no inheritance. What cared I if my English neighbors objected to my Moorish wife? I was thrilled about the prospect of fatherhood, doted on my bride. Then Saladin broke his word, and Richard - " he broke off again, his voice choked with tears.

"King Richard ordered the hostages killed. Man, woman, and child. Including your brother by marriage. I'm so sorry, Rhodri."

"The news devastated Zara. She went to her mother, begged for a potion to rid herself of the child, knowing I'd never let her go while she carried my babe. She couldn't stand to be anywhere near me. Her mother had never been fond of me so she agreed and provided the potion. Something went wrong and Zara bled to death there in her mother's bed."

"God, Rhodri!" Selene slipped out of her chair and knelt at his feet, clasping his hands in hers. "How utterly dreadful! But you know, you must, that none of it was your doing. So why am I sure that you somehow blame yourself?"

"My wife's mother had no difficulty heaping the guilt on my shoulders." His hands clenched convulsively on hers. "You must understand, sweeting, I was there. When Richard gave the order to kill the hostages, I was one of the knights obliged to carry out his orders. None of the children, thank Jesu, I was spared that, but the men and women - I did kill so many innocents that day."

"And you've carried the weight of that on your soul ever since. You had no choice. My father has spoken to many of the knights who were there. Richard would have gladly executed you with the hostages had you refused to follow orders."

"Aye." There was a long pause before he spoke again. "So by her grief-stricken reasoning, I had cost my mother by marriage both of her children. She was a witch, as well as a healer, and she cast a curse, one I have never found a means to break. I am not the man I was, Selene. I cannot be husband to you, nor to anyone."

A tiny giggle escaped her throat.

"Based on what I saw at the stream, you are still man enough indeed."

He squeezed her hands and managed a bleak smile.

"Aye the necessary parts still function. But my soul is no longer my own. A vile beast resides in my breast, and one night each month it forges to the surface and takes control. I would never risk your safety or your soul by tying you to such a monster."

"You could never be a monster, Rhodri. You are too good, too honorable. I would take that risk, and be glad of it."

He leaned down and placed a tender kiss on the top of her head.

"No. You are too fine and precious for the likes of me. Better that I leave and leave you untainted by my sins."

"Thus speaks your honor, but not the man. You do not truly wish to leave me, do you? Not without having tasted what could be between us?"

"Of course not! But I can never take the risk of siring children. What if the curse continued with them? You have to understand, I do not exaggerate. Each month, on the night of the new moon, I change. As soon as the sun sets, I grow fur and fangs! I drop to the floor and stalk on four legs. In the space of moments I cease my existence as a man, and walk as a lion till touched by the first rays of dawn."

He couldn't believe he'd told her. Any moment now she would run screaming from the room. But he had underestimated Selene. She wrested her hands away from his, but only so that she could hurl herself up and into his lap, her arms wrapped tightly about his neck.

"A lion? How apt. I have heard of men changing to wolves, but never a lion. There are those who believe we each have the spirit of an animal within us. Perhaps the curse brought out the guiding spirit your family was named for."

"It does not matter why. It only matters that I am no longer a man." He gave a harsh laugh. "You must understand, this curse is a powerful thing. And I cannot even seem to end it by dying with honor. Any cuts or bruises I obtain in battle heal themselves before my very eyes, as you saw the day I arrived."

"Oh, my love! There must be a way. I will write to my father, he knows of such things. In all of the tales there is always a way to end the spell."

"Life is not a tale, Selene." But oh, how he wished it was. "It breaks my heart to walk away from you. I love you more than I'd ever dreamed possible. But I cannot take the chance that one night I would change and hurt you."