I know this is wrong but I really am in love with you Bee.

"Uhmm, we didn't know you where here Bee" Nat says sheepishly, trying to look anywhere but where am standing. The silence was deafening and he eventually gives up, looking between Ric and I but none of us say a word.

"I'll...I'll just take my leave then" he says after clearing his throat, then he leans in to say something to Ric which I didn't hear since I wasn't standing close to them.I remain by the kitchen door. I guess my body moved on its own earlier without me knowing.

Nat moves towards me placing a hand on my shoulder while giving me a reassuring look before he turns back heading to the front door leaving the two of us in deep silence, as if rooted to where we both stood.

Where do I even start from? It's like everything came rushing at lightening speed. How do I even explain how i'm feeling at this moment? It's like I got run down by a truck. No, it's more like drowning. Like I'm struggling hard to stay afloat but fail. Everything seems strange. To think that I've been believing a lie all this while or it's better to say I've been believing a different truth. One that is safer and right.

"Ric " I manage to say, not knowing what to say next. I keep quiet again. Looking at him warily but he doesn't look back, doesn't say a word either. Then as if something strikes me I start to laugh. I think I've finally lost my mind. It's a laughter I couldn't control and he looks at me warily. Nothing happening here is funny I know, but I have no idea where it came from. I struggle to control myself but couldn't. I ended up droping to the floor with my hands clutching my stomach all in an effort to stop myself but I fail. A hand reaches out to me, clutching my shoulders in an effort to keep me steady.

"Bee are you okay" he asks and I continue to laugh more.

"You are scaring me Bee." He continues, shaking me slightly this time and I try to get a grip on myself after which I suddenly push him backwards to get to my feet.

"You guys where only joking right?" I ask, while he just stares at me as if I've transformed into someone else.

"You were really joking right?" I repeat more to myself this time than to him. I look at him and the guilty expression on his face has me staggering backwards hitting the bookshelf behind me without knowing. I turn to run out of the apartment but before I reach the door a hand grips my wrist drawing me back to a warm body I know is Ric's'. He hugs me tightly and doesn't let go. I push him, struggling to extract myself from his embrace but he holds on tight, not letting me go. I try again but he still holds tight. Feeling helpless I didn't know when a sob escaped my lips. Tears come rushing out so much so that my tears soak through his shirt but he still doesn't let go. (I think my mood is out of my control right now.)

"I'm sorry" he says after a while.

"I'm sorry" he repeats.

"I'm really sorry Bee" This time he releases me from his embrace but doesn't let go of my hands.

"I wish I could change this but how will I even do that?" He says in a breathy voice.

"I've tried. I've really tried. I've tried to feel different but it didn't work." he releases my hands bringing his right hand to his forehead looking defeated. I just stand there looking at him.

"I know this is wrong but I really am in love with you Bee." he says and my heart stops. I know I've heard it from other people but hearing it from him is different. Any hope I might have had of all these being a dream evaporates. I feel helpless and defeated like all my life's efforts just came crashing down. He can't say that. I mean we are friends but we are cousins too. This is wrong. This is so wrong.

"You can't say that" I say looking up at him.

"You can't Ric." I continue "You know very well that you can't" I add.

"I know okay." He shouts making me flinch a bit.

"I know it's wrong. I know am not supposed to say that. I know I shouldn't feel that way about you. I Know that we're family and this is unacceptable Bee but that's why I've been trying to hide it all this while. I never wanted you to know, that's why I got scared when you told me about Lay saying I got jealous because I liked you. I got really scared. Scared that I was failing at hiding my feelings. Scared that more people around us were noticing it. That's why I avoided you. I thought that would make things better. That staying away from you and burying myself in work will help me forget how I felt. I thought staying close to you turned me this way but I was wrong. I thought about you more. If anything then I fell for you more and when I saw you at the store I knew I couldn't continue staying away." He stopped and just looked at me. Looking as if he's lost everything.

"You know a day before that Nat visited me at the resort. Said he knew I liked you. That i should make sure you never know because i'm not supposed to feel this way. I promised him I would. I promised him no one would ever find out but I still failed." he sighs.

"How... When?" I stammer as I talk. I don't even know why I want to know.

"At first I just felt protective of you. Like a brother would, you know." he says softly "but I later I discovered that I wanted more with you. I wanted to protect you. I wanted to always be there for you. I wanted to make you happy. To bear your burdens. To be the only person you looked at lovingly ok."

"You can do that as a friend. Friends do that for each other right?" I say or ask, I don't know.

"No." he says sharply "Remember when you started going out with Eric in high school? I got really jealous. " I can't believe he even remembers who that is.

"That was when I knew I wanted more with you. I wanted to be more than just your friend but how can I?" he says, his voice breaking. I think back to our times together. Ric has always been there. I can't remember a time when he has not been in my life. We've been close for as long as I can remember. From all the childhood memories I remember, to high school, to college and even now. I've known him all my life. But the Ric standing in front of me now, the one saying all these things, the one looking at me with a scared expression on his face is a Ric I do not know. He seems strange and so are all the things he's saying.

"It's wrong Ric. It's wrong." I say, taking a step back and he looks worried. He starts shaking his head as if he could read my mind.

"There's no place for your feelings in our reality Ric."

"No, Bee. Don't say that." He says still shaking his head.

"It's the truth and even though you might not want to hear it, I'll still say it." I tell him, not backing down "You just have to forget about those feelings and i know the best way for that to happen." I say

"Let's not see each other again Ric. I'll stay away from you. You should do thesame." I added looking straight at him. I've already made up my mind. I think that'll be the best for both of us. So no matter what he says, I don't intend on backing down.

"No, you can't...." he starts but I cut him off"

"Yes I can and that's what I'll do Ric" I shout. "Have you thought about what our situation is at all? We are cousins ok, cousins for goodness sake."

"We can work something out Bee."he says sounding desperate and I know he's not in the right frame of mind. I'm more convinced that I'll have to be the reasonable one.

"I have already decided Ric, and you know me. Nothing you say will change my mind. I have a work trip scheduled for next week so this will be better. I'll be away for a while though I'm not planning on seeing you when I come back. Don't call me Ric. It's for the best." I say with finality in my tone as I move to pick my bag from the floor before heading out. He doesn't stop me. He just stands there, frozen.