Up and Down and Down and Up

"Hmm! HMMMM!" I sat in bed, rubbing my chin while deep in thought. "The neighbours probably think I'm a criminal since what happened yesterday. I need to introduce myself properly before rumours spread. ASAP!"

Immediately I jumped out of bed.

"Oh, God!" 

"Thump!" I hit the ground hard.

"Damn, I got up too fast." I staggered back to my feet. "Curse you low blood pressure."

"Firstly, I need to look presentable, non-criminal. I'll also need Ami's help to know the place. Maybe I should also bring peace offerings or do favours like mowing the lawn or washing their feet.

Maybe even sucking their toes or selling my organs to the highest bidder and buying everyone a nice car or pay their bills forever! I don't care anymore anything to not look like a pedo-!"

"-ZUMA! KAZUMA!" Ami shouted, dressed in only her panty and bra, hiding her half-naked body.

I was so lost in thought that I didn't realize I had walked in on her while she was changing. 

"Wait a damn minute! Are those tiddies!? And ass cheeks!? When did you have that on you-!" I grabbed my mouth. 

Tears were welling up into her eyes out of embarrassment and anger. 

"YOU PERVERT!" She shouted 

"Wait! I didn't mean to say that-!" 

"Bam! Slack! Thud! Dum!" 

Objects were just being thrown at me out of rage. Brushes, pillows, house slippers and a damn BROOM! I repeat, a DAMN BROOM. I felt pain unimaginable at that moment. 

"Please forgive me!!" I ran away.

As I was in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet, lamenting on what I should do to present a good image of me to my neighbours. Intrusive thoughts were barging in on me, specifically how THICC Ami is. I was shocked, surprised, and weirdly turned on. Where did it come from, where was it hiding?

"The hoodie! It was all a cover-up to hide the truth." I clenched my hand and speaking out loud. 

Suddenly a small angel that looked like me appeared on my shoulder. 

With a blinding holy light, the angel me spoke.

"Kazuma. Remember she still has the height of a 6th grader. Do you want to make the neighbours think of you poorly, a criminal, a p*edophile!" 

"Ha! Don't listen to this virgin angel! Demanded the devil climbing onto my other shoulder. 

"Look Kazuma, times are different, back in the days women would have to at least be 30 to start growing tits and ass but times are different now and it's probably something in the water, just look at T*cT*k. Plus, the birth certificate can prove otherwise."

"She's an adult, at least legally, I think. What is T*cT*k by the way? It sounds like an app that supports children doing provocative dances." I questioned the devil me.

Snickering to himself the devil me said. "Breaking the fourth wall I see."

"No Kazuma, you mustn't lose your good, pure and innocent heart to sinful lust." Angel me fluttered his blinding bright angel wings while pleading. "She is a beauty and should be respected and loved not as an object of sex but as a human being made by God."

Squinting my eyes I asked. "Why are you so BRIGHT!?"

"HAH! SIMP! Look and this incel right here. Do you really wanna be like him a LOSER" Laughed the devil me. "Why don't you go back to heaven and tell God to '$%&%@^' his '#%&@$*' and-"

"Stab! Stab! Slash! Slash! Crush!" The angel stabbed and slash the devil me mercilessly mid-sentence and with blood all over him and a bloodied sword in hand, spoke in a coarse voice. "Don't you dare disrespect GOD like that you filthy demon!"

I was shocked to see such a gruesome image. Not what I expected from an angel.

"Now Kazuma, listen to the good in you so you won't get SLAUGHTERED LIKE HIM! Oops, I mean, you won't fall from grace like him." The Angel me threatened with his smile showing the bloodied sword in its hands.

I nodded my head in agreement out of fear.

"Good boy. Well, bye now." Angel me ascended towards heaven with a bright light surrounding him and trumpets echoing all while still having blood all over him creating a nightmare induced look.

I was too traumatized by what occurred to think straight. Slowly a sweet aroma filled the air. It was food. 

"Grrr!" my stomach growled.

Gripping my stomach in pain I spoke to it.

"No, I can't go out there, she's probably still mad at me. So shut up please!" 

"JDTSTIWVZ!" My stomach replied, stabbing me several times with pain.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop! I'm going." I succumbed to its threatening words and actions.

As I was approaching close to the kitchen, I was sweating bullets. Is she still mad? Of course she is. Who wouldn't be? Especially after saying she looked like a 7th grader and blurting out she got titties and ass. Why am I such a dumbass? 

I'll just apologize. No, that's not enough, I'll beg for forgiveness and beg to be her pet. No, I'll sell my organs and buy her whatever she wants, it doesn't matter what it is. According to Google, I'm worth $45 million. So what if I die? Ami's forgiveness is more important than my meagre and disgusting life anyway-"

"KAZUMA!" Ami shouted.

Snapping back to reality I said. "Huh!"

"Hhmp! Do you always space out like that?" Ami looked up at me with her arms folded. "I shared some breakfast for you on the table."

"What! Why! Don't you want my organs to sell? To make up for what happened earlier."

"What! No! Ew! That's gross. Why would you think that?" Ami looked at me in disgust and horror.

"Ami!" I hugged her tightly rubbing my cheek against hers. "I don't wanna die. Thank you!"

"Stop! Just go and eat before the food gets cold." 

"Okay, My Saviour!" I happily skipped to the table.

"And don't call me that!" she demanded. 

As I sat down at the table, I saw what could only be described as perfection on a plate. Two layers of perfectly rounded pancakes, with blueberries and strawberries on top with maple syrup, nicely poured all over. 

On another plate was yet more perfection, it was an egg sandwich with melted cheese inside and to wash it all down was the best smelling brewed coffee with milk on top with a cute little heart design to top it off.

"Do you like it?" Ami looked anxious for my reaction.

"Ami! It looks too perfect. I want to put this up as display, in an art gallery. Better yet, on every media." I squeezed the collar of my T-shirt. "It pains my heart to have to spoil such beauty to satisfy my hunger but I must."

I took the knife and fork and cut through the pancake. Raised the cut portion to my mouth and inserted it. Just one bite and like a burst of water the taste was everywhere in my mouth. Succulent, juicy, sweet, soft, fruity and heavenly. Every chew was another burst of flavour. Bite after bite and before I realized, it was gone. 

A certain nostalgic pain tugged my heart and I was reminded of Mama. Her cooking was the only cooking that made me feel emotional pain when it was gone. Like a best friend leaving you forever or your map flying away to never return or the loss of a loved one. That kind of pain overwhelmed my heart but my stomach and taste buds were happy; rather they were joyful for the nostalgia. 

Next was the egg and cheese sandwich, the bread was toasted perfectly. It wasn't hard or soft but in-between and the cheese was melted into a magnificent gold; it was Heaven's Gold. One bite and there another burst of flavour rummaging throughout my mouth. The cheese took charge of playing an important role and breaking my expectations. It was truly Heaven's Gold. 

Once again, the feeling of pain came after the last bite. It was welcomed for that was the price to pay for true delicacies. My stomach and taste buds rejoiced but my heart pained. 

Lastly was the coffee, the smell was like that of calming energy. I sipped, calming it was indeed, like a mother's bosom to a crying baby. The air was still as if to give way to the coffee, giving it the spotlight and indeed did it perform. 

All that was left were the empty dishes, utensils and cup which signified my appreciation and love for this perfection.

"Well... how was it?" Ami played with her fingers nervously.

I rose from my seat and walked to Ami and went down on one knee.

"Ami Emerson!" I peered passionately into Ami's eyes.

"Yes," she answered nervously.

I held Ami's hand.

"Ami, you're hands are seasoned by God himself and you're cooking is that of a loving mother," I stated, kissing Ami's hands.

"Thanks but why are you being so weird?" Ami asked tensely.

"I'm glad you asked," I answered. "Ami Emerson will you marry me and do me the honour of bearing my children."

"What are you saying?!" Ami pulled back her hand in shock.

I spoke with my hands over my heart.

"Not only are you a God blessed cook but you're also loving and caring, like that of a true mother." 

I placed my hands on Ami's hips, feeling them 

"And you also have good birthing hips, so pregnancy should be a piece of cake."

I shot Ami a thumbs up.

"While some people may judge me for you being my wife and babies' mother, I'll stand against all the naysayers, even if it means jail or being called a p*edophile-."

"YOU PERVERT IDIOT!"

"Whack!" 

Out of extreme embarrassment and anger, Ami hit me so hard it knocked me to the ground, bouncing me like a ball then I passed out. If there is one thing that I have learnt today it is, never disrespect God in front of an angel's presence and DAMN IS AMI STRONG! Oh, and I forgot about greeting the neighbours. Meh! I'll just do it another time I guess.