Although I know I cannot act

I yearn for the day I can live freely, I wake up and feel saddened I cannot read the book I've wanted to explore. Why is it so hard to pick up a book and read three pages, why is it so hard to do something productive that isn't being on my phone. Everyday I feel worthless, everyday I wish I was someone who could make things happen, everyday I wish I wasn't me.

What kind of expression does my family have? What do they think about me? It's gotten harder to calm these negative thoughts over my family. Time goes on and there is no longer five family members, but four and a stranger.

Why can't I feel the emotion to act, I feel guilty but I can't bring myself to do something. Why am I cursed to be like this. I tell myself that nothing is real everything in this world will always benefit those with power than those without and then I realize why I cannot do anything. Because I've convinced myself it's not worth it. Working long hours, being yelled at, minimum wage for the most work, just breathing does not seem worth the trouble.

I saw the world as two words, living and existing. I was doing the latter but what I wanted was the former. In some cases people believe they are the same two words that can exist in the same sentence but I don't believe that. Living is to experience this world to be working and to contribute while existing is just your presence not doing anything significant besides drifting around. At times I told myself I was 'existing' but I don't want to exist I want to experience. I want to learn things without the hindrance of school and a degree, I want to explore without the hindrance of being chained.

It's selfish of a trash human like me to have these thoughts. I want to be free, I want to live and learn without contributing to this society and make other people suffer. I want to have money and do things I want without having restrictions of a job. Everyday I tell myself why I should be a pawn to the country I live in why I should do everything every other person does and knowing that most people will respond with "that's how the world works, we can't do anything" frustrates me to no end.

I want the freedom to think for myself and do things for myself but how can someone do that when there is life stopping them? How can one be themselves when society shames them?

The more I think the more I dread existing in this world. There is something I have learned though, if you want to challenge the world you have to be strong enough to take it head on. I like thinking about this as "if you're rich your problems are solved" which I think is such a valued view. The ones who would disagree with me are the actual rich people - who would say money isn't everything- and the people who support the rich - who like to kiss ass- and while they are both wrong we can humor them instead. Someone like me who has these thoughts now could be ultimately happier with money in their bank account and some could argue "you can just work" sure but my problems would be solved if I was YOU. These privileged assholes who don't understand anything not relating to money don't understand the amount of problems that could be solved if we had a crumb of their financial situation.

Now listen It May sound like I'm complaining (which I am) but I'm serious when I say the problems I have now would not exist if I had money because in the end this world runs on money (not dunkin) it pains me to believe I have genuine problems but wholeheartedly admit I would not have them if I had money.

In the end I am the same, wanting to run abroad in a cheap country with my savings and living off grid because that live feels better than anything here. Maybe it's because there are no responsibilities, maybe I'm afraid of everything because I was raised this way but maybe I was always like this.

I counter my argument with the fact that I had my life together at the age of 10. I played instruments and was even drum major at the age of 11, but as I moved grades the ambitions of music left me and so did the instruments. Maybe it's because my parents didn't nurture my skills maybe it's because I lost interest or maybe it's because I got scared. I was and am scared of life, of growing up, I'm terrified of life and I'm terrified of not amounting to nothing. So even with these revelations why can't I change? Why can't I put my resolves to work? Why do I have to be me?

Although I can go through revelations and see the faults in my life and thinking being someone better than myself is something I don't think I can handle. There is pain, there is fear, there is insecurity, there is everything negative in the world but there is also positive so why is it that I cannot see that. Why can I see darkness but no light.

Am I always destined to be trash or am I destined to pick up the trash. While there is an answer I cannot answer because they both require something I cannot attain.