83. The Crying Dame

The Crying Dame

It was a quiet day in the Loud House one that won't last long...

[Laney was in her room reading a John Ruby novel when she suddenly hears someone crying]

Laney: Huh? [Laney comes downstairs and sees Lily crying]

[The living room, Lily is crying and Lisa is poking her diaper to see if its dirty.]

Lisa: Negative, it's clean. [Enter Laney]

Laney: Aw, Lily. What's the matter? [Picks Lily up] Are you hungry? [Lily continues crying]

Lucy: Don't bother. She's not gassy, hungry, nor cranky.

Laney: Then, why is she crying?

[Rita and Lynn Sr. opens the door.]

Rita: Hey guys, how's it going?

Lynn: Terrible, Lily's crying for a hour, and we can't figure out why.

Lincoln: Yeah, we tried anything to get her to stop, [pulls up the paperclip board of what could be wrong with her.] She's not hungry, gassy, or sleepy! She has her blankie, and her giraffe!

Rita: [picks Lily up] Well, sometimes, babies just cry and you don't know the reason. Oh, it's okay, sweetie.

Lynn Sr.: You guys did plenty of crying when you were babies, trust me. [realizes] Except Lucy. She just...stared at us.

Rita: [terrified] Yeah. That's why we grew her bangs out.

Lucy: I can still see you.

[The parents quiver with fear]

Rita: Anyway, try to have a little patience with Lily, kids. She'll stop crying when she's ready.

Leni: I guess you're right. We'll just learn to live with it.

Lola: [scoffs] Speak for yourself.

Lisa: Yes, her caterwauling is unbearable.

Lincoln: We need a plan. [Laney then realizes something then raises her hand] Yes, Laney?

Laney: I know how we can stop Lily's crying! We just need to cheer her up!

Leni: Like, how are we gonna do that?

Laney: Just leave everything to me. I know a thing or two about babies... [Laney walks over to the kitchen. Then wipe to her playing peek a boo with Lily's blanket] Wheeeeere's Laney? [reveals her face from the blanket] Here I am! [Lily was still crying] Huh? Oh! Maybe a silly face will sell it. [Hides herself with the blanket again] Wheeeeeere's Laney? [reveals herself with a funny facy] Here I am! [Lily continues to cry] Um... Okay! No problem, we'll play something else. [Cut to Laney holding out some fingerpaints] Wanna paint? [Lily is still crying, cut to Laney holding out a book looking exhausted] How about another Burnstein Bears adventure?... [Lily was still crying. Laney passes out on the table and her sisters pick her up and heads back to the living room]

Lincoln: What happened in there, Laney?

Laney: I... I tried everything in my Lily expertise but I... couldn't get her to stop crying! FOR 20 MINUTES! IS THERE NOTHING THAT CAN SHUT HER UP!?

Luna: Woah! Chill out, Lanes!

Lincoln: Yeah. You'd never said that about Lily before.

Laney: [Calms down and sighs] I'm sorry. I'm just really stressed out today. Usually, Lily likes to play with me. And that always make her happy. But today, she just wasn't in the mood today. I wish there was some way to make her feel better.

Lori: [Realizes something and gets an idea] I've got it! [walks a few steps up]

Lincoln: Leaving is not a plan!

Lori: [holds up one of her baby pictures with a toy] No. Fenton the Feel-Better Fox. My favorite toy when I was a baby. He always cheered me up.

Laney: [Looks at the picture]I don't know. It looks kind of weird.

Lori: I know Fenton looks odd. But it's a sure way to stop Lily from crying. Let's go, it's still in the attic.

Lincoln: Worth a try. [some of the kids walk up to the attic]

Laney: [whispers to Lincoln] I wasn't talking about the toy...

[In the attic, while Lily is still crying, the others are looking for the toy.]

Lori: [pulls it out] Aha! I found him! [gives him to Lily] Look, Lily. This is Fenton. [turns him on]

Fenton: [moving and singing] Cheer up, baby, don't you cry / No more tears, it's cheer-up time / Laugh with me and we will be / Happy happy happy

[Lily likes it and cuddles with it]

Lincoln: Yes! It worked!

[Lily giggles and plays it again, this time she dances along]

Fenton: Cheer up, baby, don't you cry / No more tears, it's cheer-up time / Laugh with me and we will be / Happy happy happy

[The parents appear in the attic.]

Lynn Sr.: [gasps with horror] The demon toy! I thought you got rid of that!

Rita: I thought you did!

Lynn: What's the big whoop? We got Lily to stop crying. You're welcome.

Rita: You don't understand! That horrible fox drove us so crazy, we almost didn't have any more children!

Lisa: Well, you certainly went the other way with that.

Lynn Sr.: [gets earmuffs] Come on, honey. We'd better go soundproof our room.

Laney: Come on, dad. What's so bad about this toy, anyway? I personally find his song to be cute.

Rita: [laughs] It's cute now, but you'll see! YOU'LL ALL SEE!

[The parents leave, leaving the kids confused]

Lola: Pfft. They're just jealous that we're the ones who got Lily to stop crying.

Lily: Fa Fa. [Lily hugs Fenton while an ominous sting plays as the camera zooms in on Fenton, implying that Rita and Lynn Sr. weren't lying]

Moments have passed since Lily found Fenton and she would just play that song over...

Fenton: Cheer up, baby, don't you cry / No more tears, it's cheer-up time / Laugh with me and we will be / Happy happy happy

[Fenton's singing begin looping. As the song plays, Lincoln is unable to read his comic, Luna can't jam without the song overlapping, Lucy closes her coffin to block out the noise and Laney rips off pages of her book and uses it to plug her ears]

And over...

[Luan and Mr. Coconuts stare at each other, unimpressed]

And over...

[Leni brushes her hair while her eyes bob in tune with the song]

And over...

[Lola pours too much tea into a teacup due to being stressed out]

And over...

[Lana gets blasted by the bathroom sink while fixing it.]

And over.

[Becky and Whitney, annoyed by Fenton's singing, decide to bail out on Lori]

Lori: Wait, you guys, no!

[Too late, as they left already, causing Lori to sigh in defeat. As the song continues to play, more things begin to happen to the siblings. Lisa is blasted out of her room after squirting too much chemicals into a beaker due to being distracted, Lana, sitting in the shower, places a garbage can over her head in hopes of blocking out the noise, Lynn, while tossing a baseball against the wall, gets hit on the head due to looking away. Laney was trying to paint a picture in her stressed condition and ended painting a picture of Fenton. Frustrated, she takes the painting and smashes it. Lincoln knocks down a house of cards he was making due to the song stressing him out, causing him to growl in frustration, and Lola has her head covered with all of her stuffed dolls, while her eyes twitch]

THREE DAYS LATER

[The kitchen. The song is still playing, and the Loud kids appear to be really tired, while their parents read the newspaper.]

Laney: Remeber when I said I found that song cute. I was wrong...

Lola: [cranky] Three nights of torture! I cannot lose any more beauty sleep!

Leni: [groggily] I was so tired last night, I fell asleep in the middle of cutting Lori's hair.

Lori: [shocked] What?! [looks at her reflection on a frying pan and discovers a huge bald spot on the back of her head, and runs away, screaming]

Lincoln: Mom, Dad, you were right. We admit it. Fenton is destroying our lives. [gets no response] Mom? Dad?

[Their parents are still wearing the earmuffs]

Lynn Sr.: [unaware of what Lincoln said, shouting] OH! WHEN DID YOU KIDS WAKE UP?

[They go back to their newspapers and leave]

Lola: You guys, I hate to say it, but we have no choice. THE FOX MUST GO! Actually, I didn't hate saying that.

Laney: Guys. We can't just get rid of Fenton. Lily loves that toy. It makes her happy. [Lola grabs her shirt]

Lola: Are you even listening to yourself, Laney? For THREE days that toy has drove us crazy!

Laney: I know that. But, we just wanted to make Lily happy. Taking that away from Lily would only make her sad again.

Lincoln: Don't worry, Laney. She'll have you to cheer her up. Trust us, we're doing the right thing by getting rid of that annoying fox.

Laney: Maybe it's just the fact that I am incredibly sick of this song. But I'm in!

[Lori and Leni's room. The sisters and Lincoln are having a sibling meeting.]

Lincoln: Okay, people, we are ready to commence Operation Freedom From Fenton the Feel-Better Fox. Here's a run-down of Lily's daily schedule. [shows some slides of Lily's activities now including Fenton] Coloring, feeding, bathing, napping, chewing on books. As you can see, she always has Fenton with her. But there is one exception: diaper change time. During this approximately 47-second window, Lily will be separated from the demon toy. That's when we strike.

[The sisters (sans Laney) cheer]

Lincoln: It's a tough mission, and some of you might not come back, but rest assured that your sacrifice will- [notices they left] Hey! I did not say "fall out"!

[In Lily's room, Luan picks Lily up]

Luan: Okay, Lily, you know what time it is!

[She puts Lily on the changing station while Leni, Luna, and Laney distract her. Luan gives the signal to Lisa on her portable camera]

Lisa: Okay, Lynn, go!

[Lynn skates in quietly and grabs Fenton and tosses it to Lincoln who puts it in a baby stroller that Lucy pushes to the window and dumps Fenton out the window to the twins who pass it to Lori who takes Fenton to a dumpster and throws him in, all while the toy keeps singing. Lily's changing is over, and she notices that Fenton is missing]

Lincoln: Now for Phase Two: Operation Keep Lily From Crying. Go, go, go!

[Luan makes a balloon animal for Lily, Lola has a tea party with her Lana drives her around in the princess car, Lynn plays with a ball with her, Luna drums with her, Laney plays dolls with her, and Leni blows bubbles with her, but nothing cheers her up as she yawns]

Lincoln: Okay, here's the moment of truth. If Lily can go to sleep without you-know-who, we've done it.

[Lori nods, picks up Lily, and puts her in her crib. Eventually, Lily falls asleep and Lori quietly closes the door]

Lincoln: Well, team, I'm proud of you all. It was touch-and-go there for a while, but you believed in yourselves, and more importantly, you believed in each other. [notices that they left again] Dang it.

[The next morning]

Lola: [checks herself] I finally got some beauty sleep. Oh yeah! I am back!

Leni: I slept so well, I got up early and made Lori these extensions. [holds up said extensions] Now I just need a stapler.

Lori: [nervously grabs them] I'll take it from here. [grins]

[Laney walks in feeling down]

Lincoln: Morning, Laney. [notices her expression] What's the matter? You didn't have a sleepless night did you? Relax! We don't have Fenton to deal with anymore.

Laney: That's not why I am worried. Lily didn't seem happy after we took Fenton away from her. Do you think there's something wrong with her?

Lincoln: I'm sure it's nothing. She just needed to sleep it off. Oh, here's Luna with her now.

[Luna comes in with Lily]

Siblings minus Luna and Laney: [variously] Good morning, Lily!

[Luna puts Lily in her highchair, and the baby looks miserable]

Leni: What's wrong, sweetie? You look a little grumpy this morning.

Luna: She's probably just hungry, dude.

Leni: [gets Lily's baby food and tries to feed her] Open the airplane. Here comes the tunnel. [playfully growls]

[Lily pushes it aside]

Lincoln: Oh. Well, she must not be hungry. Maybe she wants to play.

[They try playing with building blocks]

Lincoln: Lily, wanna help me build a castle?

[Lily knocks over the castle]

Luan: [making a balloon animal] How about I make you a dinosaur?

[Lily knocks the balloon away, it pops on the pet cactus, and the eyes float over Lucy's bangs and then pop]

Lincoln: I know! Laney you play peek-a-boo with her. [Gives Laney Lily's blanket to her and pushes over to her]

Laney: [Hides herself with the blanket] Wheeeere's Laney? [Laney reveals herself] Here I am... [Lily was still depressed]

Lana: [with a cushion] I know, Lily. Let's build a fort.

[While the others build a fort, Lily crawls away. The fort is finished]

Lana: Okay, Lily, come on in. But no pooping. [beat] Lily? Lily?

[The others pop out and see Lily looking at the photo of baby Lori with Fenton, who she whines over]

Lily: Fa-Fa...

Laney: I knew it...

Leni: O-M-Gosh, you guys, that's why she's been so sad this morning. She misses Fenton.

Lincoln: Laney's right. We didn't make her forget about Fenton. We just kept her from crying.

Laney: Yeah, and now she might not say anything at all anymore.

[The sisters guiltily grunt]

Lincoln: Guys, I know we've been loving the peace and quiet, but it's not worth it if our baby sister is sad.

Lola: I hate to say it, but we have to get that fox back. I really did hate saying that.

[The dumpster Lori threw Fenton in]

Lana: [having searched] Sorry, guys. No Fenton. This thing is empty. But I did find a girlfriend for Bitey. [holds up a vicious feral rat]

Luan: Shoot. The garbage truck must have already come.

Lincoln: To the dump!

[They drive to the dump and arrive]

Lori: This place is literally huge. How are we ever going to find a little toy in all this trash?

[Suddenly, Fenton's song starts playing]

Laney: That's how!

Lincoln: Follow that annoying song!

[They find Fenton's voice and find him about to be compacted]

Loud Kids: NO!

[They're too late as the crane dumps Fenton through the compactor. He winds down and breaks]

Laney: Maybe we can still fix it? [Fenton then spontaneously combusts and disintegrates]

Loud Kids: Dang it.

[The kids are driving home, remorseful for what happened]

Lynn: We're officially the worst siblings ever.

Leni: Poor Lily. She'll probably grow up super gloomy, dress in black, and listen to sad music all the time.

Lucy: [liking the sound of that] We can only hope.

Laney: It's okay guys. You tried your best to make our sister happy again. And that's all that matters. And, who knows. Maybe Lily will forget about Fenton... In 20 years?...

[The siblings groan. Luna suddenly starts humming Fenton's song]

Lola: Ugh! Stop singing that!

Luna: Sorry, dude. It's stuck in my head. Say what you want about that fox, but his tune has a wicked hook.

Lori: It's kinda stuck in my head, too.

Lucy: Mine, too.

Laney: It's the only thing in my mind right now.

Lisa: It's also rebounding in my cerebellum.

Lincoln: [gets an idea] Wait. You guys! Maybe there is a way to give Fenton back to Lily.

[Back home, the kids bring Lily to a familiar face, which is Lincoln dressed as Fenton]

Lily: [surprised] Fa-fa? [crawls to him and presses his foot]

[Luna sees it and plays her guitar in secrecy]

Luna: Cheer up, baby, don't you cry / No more tears, it's cheer-up time / Laugh with me and we will be / Happy happy happy

Lily: [ecstatic] Fa-fa! [hugs Lincoln and presses his foot again] Fa-fa! Fa-fa.

Lincoln: [to the viewers] Well, we might be doing this for the rest of our lives, but at least Lily's happy again.

Lily: [clapping] Fa-fa! Fa-fa! Fa-fa!

Lily's siblings: Cheer up, baby, don't you cry / No more tears, it's cheer-up time / Laugh with me and we will be / Happy happy happy

[They keep singing; their parents approach and hear the sound. As they open the door, they witness all their kids under Fenton's spell, put on their earmuffs and run away screaming in horror. The sun reveals to be in the shape of Fenton's face, winking at the viewers]