123. Present Tense

Present Tense

[It's early morning in the Loud house, the kids are up making a family scrapbook.]

Luan: Dad's gonna love this!

Luna: Exactly right!

Lori: It's perfect for his birthday!

Lincoln: Awesome!

Leni: Nice touch with the fruit scented markers, Laney.

Laney: Thanks, I just know my dad loves fruity aromas becuase he's been cutting them for years!

Lori: Looks like Squeals loves them too. [Laney sees Squeals smelling the book and tries to eat it but Laney stops her]

Laney: No, Squeals. That's not fruit.

Lynn: Dang, Lols, you're really on your rhinestone game today.

Lola: Thank you for noticing, Daddy's scrapbook needs a little glam.

Lana: [Takes the glam] And a little glue. [Takes a booger out of her nose and uses it to stick the rhinestone.]

Leni: Best birthday present ever!

[Beeping]

Lisa: "Red alert people!" [The remote for Lisa's spy drone shows their dad in bed, lo oking like he's about to wake up.] "The birthday boy is stirring. Hide the scrapbook! Hide everything!"

[Everyone panics and does so.]

Lynn Sr.: Kotaro, why didn't you tell me table five is gluten free? [Goes right back to sleep.]

Lisa: False alarm. It was simply an outburst of sleep talking.

[Everyone is relieved and gets back to scrapbooking.]

Luan: Ooh, hey, check it out.

Luna: Oh, I remember that. That was from the time you and Dad dressed as cattle to try to win tickets to Dairyland.

Luan: Uh huh, sure ended up being a cow-tastrophe! But it was an udderly good time in the moo-ment! In fact-

Luna: [covers her sister's mouth.] Forget I asked, dude.

Lori: [Looking at her phone.] Guys, you have to see what Carol Pingery just posted.

[Everyone groans]

Laney: Lori, how can you think about what your friends say at a time like this. Today is all about Dad.

Lori: No, look, [Shows the post, which is Carol with her father, and a chocolate bust of him.] that's Carol's dad, his birthday was yesterday, and she got him a sculpture of his head made out of Belgian chocolate.

Luna: [Amazed, like the others.] Woah, that's a seriously nice gift.

Luan: I hate to be that guy, but I'm starting to think this scrapbook isn't gonna cut it.

Lana: Yeah, it seemed like something Dad would like, but maybe it's kind of a lame gift.

Laney: Yeah, we need something that really shows how special we think dad is.

Lisa: But what can we do now? Our time is limited, father's nearing the end of his REM cycle.

Leni: Guys, the mall opens in ten minutes, we can find a better present for Dad there.

Lynn: Noice, let's pool our money and buy something sick.

Lincoln: Let's do this!

[They clean the table and throw the scrapbook in the trash.]

[At the mall]

Lincoln: Okay, Laney. You know dad better than any of us. What would you think he would like.

Laney: [Looks around] Hmm... [She hears a gate opening and looks over and see a store called 'Discount Menagerie'] Over there!

[They went into the store and the clerk turns the lights on in the display windows, and the figurines glow different colors, the siblings are awed by this and go there.]

Luna: One of these would look rockin' hangin' from Vanzilla's rear view mirror. What should we get?

Lincoln: How about a cat? Dad's always going on about how much he loves Cliff.

Lola: [Gasps] Or a unicorn! It's magical and special, just like Daddy.

Lana: Wait guys, I've got it; remember that time we went to the aquarium and Dad bonded with a dolphin named Kenny?

[Flashback to Lynn Sr. swimming with a dolphin.]

Lucy: Gasp, it's perfect.

All siblings: [Singing] Dolphin.

[They take it to the register.]

Home Decor Employee: Ooh, a porpoise, nice choice.

Lisa: Hang on, what? [Gets a closer look] Ah, of course, the shrunkated snout should have given it away.

Laney: We can't give Dad this! It looks like the same porpoise that stole his wallet!

Lynn Sr.: Whoo! Thanks for the swim buddy.

[The porpoise whistles at him. End flashback.]

Lola: Yeah, we couldn't get anything at the gift shop.

Lincoln: [Puts it back on the counter.] This isn't gonna work guys, we need to keep looking.

[All except Lola leave.]

Lola: [Whispers to the clerk] How much for the unicorn?

[Lori returns and carries Lola away under her arm.]

Laney: Okay, there's gotta be something else we can get for dad. Something that fits his personality to a T... [Sees a tie store nearby] Like a tie!

[They look at 'Dad Ties Plus'.]

All siblings: Dad loves fun ties.

[In the store they look through the ties.]

Luna: Ooh! My people! Why don't we get him this one? [Holds up one with a vinyl record on it.] Dad loves rockin' out to retro vinyls.

Lynn: Yikes, sorry, I got him that exact tie for Father's Day, remember?

Lola: Eee! How 'bout this one?

Leni: Awe, I got Dad that for his last birthday.

Lily: [Holds up another tie.] Gah gah?

Luan: Wait, didn't you get him that tie as a restaurant opening gift?

Lily: [Scoffs] Poo-poo.

Lincoln: [Holds up another tie] How about this one?

Laney: Nah, that looks too much like the tie I made for him two years ago.

Lisa: Wow, we sure have gotten Dad a lot of ties. Has this gift become, tad unoriginal?

Tie Sales Clerk: [Walks in] Hey Loud kids, you here to buy another tie for your Dad?

Lori: Yeah, we should keep looking.

[Later, they are at 'Kitchen Stuffs'.]

Laney: Okay, maybe ties aren't special enough for dad. But I know what is: customized kitchen tools!

Lynn: [As she and the others approach.] Oh perfect, Dad loves his name.

Lana: Why don't we get him a new spatula? I broke his old one when I used it to mix cement.

Kiosk Cashier: Great, you can pick your customized spatula up, mmh... [Checks the computer.] Next Tuesday.

Lola: [Angry] Next Tuesday! What kind of a scam is this?!

Kiosk Cashier: See, first we ship the spatula to a craftsman who's trained his whole life in the art of kitchenware engraving, he's located in Germany.

Lola: [Grabs the spatula from the cashier.] Forget that, I can just bite Dad's name into a spatula. [Starts biting the spatula, until Lori grabs it.]

Lori: [Sighs] Spit.

[Lola spits it out and Lori gives it back to the cashier. Later they are at 'Nick's Knacks'.]

Luan: Come on guys, we need to speed this up.

Lisa: [Checking her watch] Luan's right, we've been gone for hours, we've already missed half of Dad's birthday.

Lincoln: [Holding a geode] How about this fancy rock?

Lisa: Oh, it's called a geode. [Sees the price tag and gasps.] And it costs a whopping three-hundred clams.

Lincoln: [Fumbles with it and gently puts it back.] Whoa, never mind.

Laney: Guys, I think we found the perfect gift. [Shows what she has in mind.]

[The other approach]

Leni: O, M, gosh, it's perfect! What is it?

Lisa: It's a royal guard, known colloquially as a beefeater, ideal for a father with an affinity for all things British.

Laney: Exactly, it's perfect!

Lana: And it's a nutcracker, Dad won't have to borrow my upholstery hammer to smash open walnuts anymore.

Lori: This is literally the best gift in the entire world! Let's go give it to Dad. [Realizes something] Wait, where's Lola?

[Back at 'Discount Menagerie'.]

Lola: The unicorn, I would like to buy it from you.

[Lori comes back and carries Lola away under one arm again.]

[They return home, excited about their gift]

Laney: I don't wanna brag you guys, but I think we dominated Dad's birthday this year.

[They stopped when they heard their dad screaming, and look in the window.]

Luna: Uh, what's goin' on?

[Inside, Lynn Sr. is hugging Kotaro.]

Lynn Sr.: [Sobbing] Kotaro, this is literally the best gift in the entire world!

Lynn: Well, he's only saying that cause he hasn't seen our gift yet.

[Lynn holds up their nutcracker, and they all laugh, when suddenly.]

Lynn Sr.: A real life beefeater, [In a british accent] I can't believe it. [Laughs]

[Laney's jaw drops at the sight of this]

Kotaro: [Takes out his phone.] His post is outside of the tower of London, I used all of my airline miles to fly him out here. [Takes a photo of them.] But wait there's more; [Lynn Sr. squeals] he's going to take you to lunch at Bangers and Mosh, he said he'll help you perfect your British accent.

Lynn Sr: [Sobbing again] This is going to be the greatest experience of my life.

Laney: [Grabs the nutcracker angrily] Ding dang Kotarto shows us up every year!

Lana: Between this and the scrapbook, we are really O for two today.

Laney: I'm not giving up! We going to get dad the greatest gift ever! Even better than that beef eater guy!

Luan: How do we do that?

Laney: By giving him an experience!

[Everyone likes the idea.]

Lynn: [Regarding the nutcracker.] Well, won't be needing this hunk of junk anymore. [Dropkicks it away.]

Lori: Lynn, we need to return that, or we won't have any money.

Lynn: [Realizing that] Ah, good point, I'll go get it.

[Lynn does so.]

[Later they're at Flip's Food and Fuel.]

Laney: What are we doing here? Dad has already seen this dump.

Lincoln: This is the only place we can get good tickets to all the best places.

Laney: But you know how much I hate Flip. That lying, cheating, no good, annoying, son of a- [Luna stops her]

Luna: Retract the anger, Lanes. We get you an Flip don't always get along, but we need to get dad the perfect experience just like you said.

Laney: But Flip...

Lori: Just be cool for once, Laney. For dad.

[Laney sighs]

Laney: Fine for dad...

[They enter the store and went to the front desk]

Lincoln: Hey Flip, we're looking for tickets for-

Flip: Woah, slow down there chief, that's not my game, but I do know a handsome fella you can talk to.

[Presses some buttons on the register, and his box office emerges.]

Flip: Welcome to Tucker's Tix and Tux, what can I do you for?

[Everyone except Lana rolls their eyes.]

Laney: [grumbles] I hate when he does this...

Lana: Okay, Tucker, [rolls her own eyes.] we wanna buy our dad a cool experience for his birthday.

Flip: Well, I'm your man. [Grabs some pamphlets] What does your pops like? Skydiving? Horseback Riding? Parasailing?

Lana: Ooh, parasailing sounds fun.

Lincoln: Dad's always said if he could choose one superpower; it'd be flight.

Lori: LJ, pay the man.

[Lynn takes out the money, but realizes something.]

Lynn: Hey wait, we're missing a dollar.

[They hear crunching, look over and see Lola eating a bag of chips, and giving Flip the dollar.]

Lola: What? I was getting hungry.

[Flip kisses the dollar. On the drive back.]

Lisa: You know, I think this experience will mean far more to father than a material good.

Leni: O, M, gosh!

Lori: [Stops the van] What?! Did I hit another trashcan?

Leni: No! Look what Becky just posted, she got her Dad a parasailing experience too.

[Shows the photos; Becky's dad giving a thumbs up, getting a few feet into the air; dropping back to the ground, face planting...]

Luan: Ooh, yikes, more like para-failing. [...getting dragged through the sand, Luan laughs, and finally in a full body cast, Luan gasps.] But seriously, that looks way too dangerous for Dad.

Lola: We need to go back to Flip's and get him something else, also I want some kettle corn.

Lori: Buckle up.

[They make a U-turn. Back at Flip's.]

Flip: Sure, I can exchange your ticket for something else, minus the twenty-five percent deposit of course.

Laney: [Facepalms] Do it for dad... do it for dad...

Lynn: Fine, so what can we afford now?

Lana: Snowboarding?

Laney: How about landscape painting?

Lincoln: Ooh, what about this one? A private cooking class with celebrity chef Guy Grazer. The girls ramble in agreement.] Flip, we'll take it.

Flip: Flip? Don't know the guy, sure sounds good looking though.

[Laney smacks her forehead]

[The kids drive home again.]

Luan: [Looking up Guy Grazer on her phone.] Wow, apparently Guy Grazer has helped a lot of chefs improve their craft. Ooh, there's a video from one of his classes.

Guy Grazer: [To the student, in a harsh tone.] What is this literal pile of flaming garbage! [Smacks the plate right out of her hand.] Your sauce is weak because you're weak! [Storms off, leaving the student crying.]

Laney: Uh, guys. I'm not sure that this is perfect for dad. This guy's a bit intense. And you know how sensitive dad is.

Lola: We have to go back and get him something else. [Everyone nods] Also I need some sparkling water to wash down this kettle corn. [Coughs]

[Back at Flip's]

Flip: And there's your refund minus the twenty-five percent deposit of course, oh, and a restockin' fee.

Lynn: Okay guys, we don't have a lot of money left.

Lola: Paintball?

Lisa: Night at the aquarium?

Lori: Too expensive, actually, we may not be able to afford anything.

Flip: Well, how much you got?

Lori: Very little.

Flip: Hmm, I do have one thing that might fit your budget.

[Later, Lincoln is bouncing.]

Lincoln: This is actually pretty fun.

[They are in the back lot, Flip is personally giving Lincoln a bronco buster ride on his own back.]

Laney: [angry] Dad will not like this at all!

Lucy: Yeah, Dad's very sensitive to, uh, whatever this is.

Lori: Sorry Flip, we're going to pass.

Flip: [Drops Lincoln] No problem, it's not for everybody, [Gives Leni a sheet of paper] here a bill for the test run. There's a customer survey on the bottom, and I'd sure appreciate a five star rating. Huh?

[Having enough, Laney lifted Flip over her and tossed him into the dumpster]

Laney: THERE'S YOU'RE RATING! [Her siblings looked at her in worry] I'm sorry guys, I tried, i really did!

[Back in the car.]

Lynn: [Counting what's left of their money.] Well, we got seventy-one cents left, maybe Dad would like a side of ranch dressing.

Luna: Man, we've totally blown Dad's birthday.

Laney: Come on guys, we can't give up! There must be something we can do for dad that wont break our banks.

Lola: I could make him some pudding.

Lynn: I could realign his spine.

Leni: I can teach him how to part his hair so it covers his problem areas...

[The kids all start thinking of ideas.]

[The kids return home, rambling, when they hear their Dad crying.]

Lincoln: Woah.

Leni: What's that?

[They all listen to their parents door.]

Lynn Sr.: [Inside the room] I can't believe those kids.

Rita: Aw, honey.

Lana: Ah, why is Dad crying?

Lori: Guys, it's obvious, we blew off his whole birthday looking for a present, and he doesn't even know the worst part yet; that we never found one.

Laney: Our dad must think we forgot.

Lucy: There's only one thing left to do; [Everyone stares at Lucy.] apologize.

[Everyone sighs. Inside the room Rita is comforting her crying husband, Lincoln enters.]

Lincoln: Hey Dad, [He comes in, followed by his sisters.] We're so sorry we ruined your birthday.

Lynn Sr.: [Who's actually crying tears of joy.] What are you talking about? You kids gave me the best gift ever. [Hold up their scrapbook, and hugs it.]

Lana: Our scrapbook?

Lynn Sr.: Yeah, I'm sorry I opened it before you got home, I saw Squeals chewing on it and blew your big surprise.

[Squeals is seen chewing on the post it notes]

Lori: [As she and the others join their parents on the bed.] So, you like it?

Lynn Sr.: I love it. [Sobs] It reminds me of- of all the great memories we've made together, nothing could beat that.

Lola: Actually Daddy, we weren't even finished with it yet, we had more memories we wanted to add, and ten times more sparkles.

Lana: Like the time we filled up a kiddie pool with Flippees.

Luna: And the time we went to a 3D movie, and threw up, and then saw it again.

Laney: And let's not forget the time I first met Squeals!

[Family hug]

Leni: And I don't think we'll ever forget that time we made you that scrapbook.

Lynn Sr.: Oh, Leni.