Irrelevance

There was one thing that I should have expected from traveling on a broom in the fucking sky. It was absolutely freezing at the speeds I was going at. It was a good thing I was a fucking wizard. A person capable of changing the world with nothing but my own will. So when introduced with the problem of being cold I don't put on a parka. I cast a fucking warming charm on myself. Now I don't have to deal with the cold no matter how fast I go. Never being cold in winter is just another perk of being a god damn wizard. Other perks include teleportation and fucking mind control. 

Being a wizard is the fucking shit. Sure, the majority of my kind could get speed blitzed by twilight vampires of all things but it was still worth it. Hell, I was fully capable of being speed blitzed by any slightly fast individual. The only reason I don't worry about such a thing is because of Fortuna. Truly, she is the answer to all of my woes. Still, while I'm not capable of moving at immense speeds, this broom certainly is.

With it I managed to get myself to London faster than the Knight Bus. I was able to travel at blinding speeds after all. I trusted my Luck enough that I could fly at speeds considered well into the danger zone. I'm sure if someone was looking at the sky they would only see a blip as I passed by. Not that I risked even that as I was wearing the Death Cloak. I don't think I was going to not wear this fucking thing for a long ass time.

So there I was in the middle of the sky completely invisible. Traveling at what has to be mock speeds. If I did not have Fortuna on my side I would probably have hit a plane. Or maybe even a blimp, considering the time period. Were they still using blimps in the 70s? It's not knowledge that I had from my previous life and Snape certainly didn't know. Anyway, it's irrelevant as I did not find myself going splat as I hit a flying object. So I was just going to count that as a win in my books.

I soon found myself floating over the small magical alley. You would think there was a Ward that would stop people from hovering above Diagon but there was not. It's shit like this that really makes me question magical intelligence. A team of Wizards could hover over diagonal and drop exploding potions. Yet there was not a single thing stopping them from doing so.

I suppose if I ever wanted to commit domestic terrorism, I knew how. Only I did not need exploding potions. A single blast from Star Burster Star Blaster would annihilate Diagon. To be fair to the denizens of Diagon I did not need to be hovering over them to do that. It just seemed like a massive oversight to not consider the possibilities of an air attack.

Diagon Alley was busy as usual but I needed to get some coins if I did not want to pay with knuts again. My fragile male ego could only take so much embarrassment. So off I went to Gringotts. The tall imposing building was fairly easy to spot. I just floated to the steps and hopped off my broom. I looked over at the guards at Gringotts and smiled. It was not a friendly smile. But I did not have friendly intentions. Not that they could see my rather vicious smile.

The Death Cloak does not just grant invinsibility. It eliminated sound and shut down any magical aura trapped within. This thing could trick even Death itself a couple of Goblin guards stood no chance at spotting me. I could literally twerk while singing the national anthem, and they would be none the wiser. I had no plans on doing so as that was ridiculous. Not to mention I would have to kill them if they did catch me in such a compromising position. Again, my fragile male ego just could not handle it. 

Patriotic, twerking aside. I have once more found myself in the position of being in front of a door completely invisible. This time the door was not closed because it was automatic. No, it remained closed because the fucking guards were there. The door suddenly opening by itself would cause alarms to blare. 

I could take off my invisibility cloak. The thing is I was not here for the regular services. If I was, I would not be wearing the fucking Death Cloak in the first place. No I needed coins but it did not need to be my coins. There happened to be a family that owed me a rather tidy sum. I'm sure they would be glad to be donating to the fund of I have a fucking rifle that would blow up Europe. Truly the nobility endure countless hardships, so commoners can live peacefully.

It did not take very long for someone to enter the bank. Which again made sense as this was the magical bank for Britain. So people entered and left constantly. The interior of the bank was not crowded but organized. Sure. There were a lot of people there, but they were all waiting quietly in their lines. No one wanted to piss off the goblins when they quite literally held all their money. No, the nobility could be as racist as they wanted outside of the bank, but inside they just did their business. Hypocrisy, perhaps but hypocrites generally did not care if they were being one.

Still, I was not here to be waiting around in a line so I hopped onto my new broom. Floating quietly over the disgruntled wizard's heads was something I never expected to be doing. I was tempted to swat a few of them as I passed but I knew it was an unwise decision. Instead of doing something fun I just floated quietly through checkpoint after checkpoint.

For a bank that has supposedly never been robbed they are fairly lax with security. Well, to be fair to them having the Death Cloak makes any robberies a literal cake walk. They stood no chance of stopping me because I rigged the game so heavily in my favor. Sure. I could have just regularly robbed the bank as they were not capable of stopping me. It was just I mugged Potter so recently that I wanted to use the Death Cloak.

I found myself in front of the vault that I was looking for fairly quickly. The security took a step up by having a mother fucking dragon in front of it. Then they lost points because they decided that blinding their dragons was the way to go. It's not like the dragon needed its eyes to guard the vault after all. That was just a silly rumor that dragons needed to see to do shit. They could guard any vault just because they were a dragon. Behold the logic that the magical world operated on.

The slumbering and disfigured dragon did offer an imposing sight, but I was not frightened. To be fair to the dragon, there was very little that was actually capable of frightening me now. I'm sure if I was faced with this Beast a couple of days ago I would have been shitting my pants. Now I just had a simple solution for it. I just walked as close as I could then used Star Burster Star Blaster to cut off its head. I could have left it alone but a dragon was filled with useful things. So I stored the now very dead dragon into my inventory.

The vault door did not fare any better than the dragon. At least the dragon had the opportunity to fight back. Even if it was a very minor opening. The inanimate vault door on the other hand, well it's inanimate. So I broke into the Prince vault in a matter of moments. As expected from a pureblood family it was filled with piles and piles of Galleons. There were other things here as well but I did not really care what was here. It was all mine anyway so I put everything and anything I found into my Inventory. The ancient glowing blue sword that was whispering vague threats into the inventory it goes. A random assortment of various potions yoinked. A portrait of a rather old lady in a tub well that I did leave for them. What can I say? I guess I was just not a connoisseur of the fine arts.

All in all, the robbing of a pure blood family was ridiculously easy. I'm sure that it would be a task well beyond the capabilities of anybody else. It's just when you have an artifact that grants true invisibility and a sword that can cut anything breaking into a bank becomes child's play. 

I could have robbed some more pureblood assholes but I did not need more Galleons. I could have robbed the Avery vault but they are not exactly swimming in gold. The Potter vault was also tempting. Still in the end I just left as it seemed like a hassle to steal even more shit. If I needed more gold I could just come back. Sure the Goblins might increase their security after this but nothing is capable of stopping me. Like I said I was a tyrant that acted only on his whims.

I was even able to leave the bank pretty quickly. Not a soul was able to even come remotely close to finding me. Once again I found myself in the busy Diagon alley. I could fight my way through the crowds completely invisible. Instead, I did the smart thing and flew out to the muggle side of London. I then stripped off my cloak and walked through the Leaky Cauldron. Tom gave me a confused look as he recognized me but fuck him. 

I just passed him and went back into the alley. No one would suspect that I was the one who robbed the Prince vault. I was two minutes away from the scene of the crime. A perfect alibi that would hold up fully in court. At least that's what the mountain of literal gold in my inventory was saying. Money talks and if you have enough of it, you can get anyone to say anything. Granted, no amount of bribes would have me winning that trial. Not that I had any plans on being arrested. I had other shit to do today. So I walked towards my destination.

I then entered a rather familiar shop. I have entered this place over and over again after all. It smelled as delightfully awful as usual. The store was filled with anything and everything a Potion Master would need. Well, anything a legal one needed anyways.

The middle aged man behind the counter instantly recognized me. He did give me a quizzical look but still shot out a smile.

"Young Snape. It's good to see you. How are you doing?" He spoke out in a loud jovial tone. I just gave him a bland smile. Casual chatter, the bane of my existence. Begone salesman, I have come here for a purpose and your incessant chatter will not change it.

"How much for your entire stock?" My skillful disengagement of the casual chatter appeared to confuse him.

"My entire stock?" He looked over at me utterly confused. He knew me. He knew exactly how poor I was. I often made deals with him for the lesser quality ingredients. The kind of stuff he could not even sell. So for me to be asking for his entire stock must have been something he never expected. He looked over what he had while scratching his head.

"Yes everything." I spoke out blandly trying to convey my seriousness. He looked back at me blanky for a short minute before he must have decided I was serious.

"I don't know on the top of my head but Five thousand Galleons would probably cover it." He said as he rubbed his chin. It was a massive amount of money but not an unreasonable one. He was not one to rip off his customers like Borgin. I could use these ingredients to make far more money than that. Not that I cared about money anymore. I was going to use these ingredients to upgrade my feeble self.

"Done." I walked towards the counter and used my inventory to drop exactly Five thousand Galleons on the counter. He just looked between me and the literal mound of coins with his jaw hanging. 

"Right, I'll get started bagging?" He asked confusingly as if he still did not believe what was happening.

"I'll take care of it just go take a break or something. I'm going to take anything that is an ingredient." Again I spoke out blandy. I did not care what he chose to do as long as it allowed me to use my inventory. I suppose I could just use the thing in front of him but why reveal something like that to him? He was just a man that I knew completely and utterly irrelevant.

"Yeah, I can do that." He just dumped the Galleons into a sack and walked away. Maybe he was off to Gringotts or something. Who knows honestly as long as he allowed me to loot his store for ingredients I could not care less.

It did not take very long for me to collect everything that could be remotely looked at as an ingredient. Sure his wheel of cheese is probably not an ingredient but who fucking knows. So I yoinked the cheese wheel even if I was probably not able to use it. I could use it for sandwiches or something. I guess I could also send it to Ashley. Sure, she had other food, but who says no to a wheel of cheese? Not even lactose intolerant people would do that.

The shopkeeper left me inside his store by myself. So far, I stuck to the deal and just took anything that could be described as ingredients. I could be an asshole and take just about anything that wasn't nailed down. He did agree that I would get his entire stock after all. Still, I was slightly fond of this guy so I only took what was in the spirit of the deal. Yes, that included the wheel of cheese. No, I do not care if he thinks that the wheel of cheese is not a part of the deal. He would have to fight me for it.

It did not take me a very long time to gather everything in the store. All praise the glorious dimensional chat group that comes with an inventory. If I did not have that I would have to operate with nothing but shrunken items in my pockets. I had so very little of them to start with, robes are not exactly pocket friendly. There was probably a magical Knick Knack that would help in that regard. I was just lucky that I did not have to go searching for it. 

As I was leaving the store I spotted a fair amount of panic. People stared fearfully at the bank as a loud siren blared from it. Goblin's patrolling the street with their weapons bared at anyone who looked vaguely suspicious. Well, would you look at that? The goblins are actually competent. I mean not at defending their treasures, but finding out when someone has stolen them. So good on them even if their actions aren't going to help them out.

Instead of walking through the chaos and probably being manhandled by a goblin. I walked back into the store and put on the fucking Death Cloak that I stole. Patrol, all you want you 3 foot fucking gremlins. I was John Cena and you cannot see me.

I then walked out of the store. I did not really think that a door being opened randomly was that suspicious. At least I didn't think that before I opened the fucking door. So it was rather late for regrets. Luckily enough for me, the goblins did not actually see the door opening.

So I borrowed someone else's stick and went up up and away. Fleeing from the now rather dangerous magical alley. Not to me but I figured I might as well not blow up the goblin nation today. They still held other gold that I might want to steal later.

Now I just had to find a muggle armory and equip Ashley with everything inside it. Who said girls only wanted flowers and jewelry? No, any self respecting woman would gladly accept an MR-16.