Linda's Melancholy

Linda was currently heading to her senpai's classroom with joyful skips, a sweet humming tune coming from her mouth.

She made it her routine to always visit him at lunch during their school days. To have a chat with him was bliss and she would give up everything to be there.

"Bryan-senpai!"

She made her boisterous appearance into the classroom, only to find it empty.

"Hm? He's not here?"

Every single time, her senpai would always be in class with his hidden face, so for him to be absent was puzzling.

She went to sit on Bryan's desk.

'Maybe he went to eat lunch?' Linda thought to herself.

But Bryan's physic seemed to be weak enough that he wouldn't be able to endure standing up on the line. So Linda dismissed the thought of him getting lunch. Besides, he said it became a habit when he was losing weight.

But to Linda, it seemed like he was too lazy to go to the cafeteria and that he found it tiresome, and maybe because he was introverted...

But then she realised. Bryan's desk was unusually empty. His bag was nowhere to be found. The same went for his books as she saw him take them yesterday, which meant he temporarily kept them inside the desk.

'...Is he sick?!'

The weather was pretty nasty yesterday, so there was a possibility that Bryan got sick while walking through the rain despite having an umbrella. And perhaps due to his weak body and lack of the necessary nutrients to resist a cold (because he ate once a day), he got sick and couldn't come to school.

Linda jolted up the chair.

If Bryan was indeed sick, she would quickly seek out permission to go outside school and visit Bryan. She was willing to do everything to uphold her routine and see him.

But on second thought, there was a possibility that he was in school. She wrecked her mind.

'Where would Bryan-senpai go...?'

She went to the infirmary. If he was indeed sick, he could visit the infirmary to get cold medicine.

She promptly arrived at the infirmary and opened the door to take a peek, only to find it empty. She was kind of hoping to find him here...

She changed course.

She stuck outside the boy's restroom for a few minutes in hopes of him coming out of it, but no luck. He couldn't take that much time in the restroom, she thought, so she went somewhere else.

Yesterday, she remembered, Bryan mentioned they were writing a quiz next week, so as a smart person, her senpai might be at the library busy studying.

Linda hadn't realised this, but she was running across the hallway, unknowingly violating the school regulation of not running across the hallway. Bryan's absence was indeed strange as it was the first time this has ever happened.

She began to worry.

Entering the library, she lowered her hyperventilation to obey its number one rule. She searched around the shelves in a hurry, expecting to see Bryan checking out some books, but he wasn't there.

It was not like Bryan had any close connections and friends to speak of, so Linda couldn't ask anyone in the seating section if they had seen him.

In the end, she hurriedly returned to class 2B. She didn't know she had uneasiness written all over her face as she convinced herself.

"I'm sure everything will be fine! Senpai is just sick and is recuperating back home! So there's no need for me to panic!"

She already convinced herself that Bryan was sick and was at his home, or else there wouldn't be any other reason for him to skip school. Unless...

'No...! It can't be...!'

Unless there was a reason Linda dreaded the most.

"Bryan-senpai can't possibly transfer schools!"

She entered the classroom and stared at Bryan's empty desk. It was now clear to Linda that he was not at school. She went and sat in Bryan's place.

If he really transferred schools, Linda thought, then...then she was willing to do it too! But on second thought, it would be hard to convince her parents.

...But the thought of losing her senpai...she couldn't bear it; it was too painful to even imagine it. But then...

"...If he was really transferring schools, he would've told me for sure...!" she muttered to herself.

The only way she could escape this was by convincing herself with her belief of him being sick and recovering. They were close enough for them to share each other's statuses.

But then again, she didn't have Bryan's contact information, causing thoughts to flood her mind...

'What even am I to senpai...?'

She was obviously his kouhai. But what about beyond that? Were they friends? The only thing she remembers was approaching this boy who she saw...handsome... Bryan never even mentioned them being friends.

'...What is senpai to me?' she then thought.

Would she be worried like this if it were her boyfriend instead...? No, she didn't think so. Now that she compared Bryan to her boyfriend, the difference was clear. She spent more time with Bryan than with her boyfriend, she even enjoyed it more than anyone else.

That alone made it clear to her—Bryan was better in every aspect.

He had good looks (from her perspective) and grades, and he had a great personality. He was not pushy and was understanding, he seemed to enjoy her company despite not showing it on his face, but she was sure, deep down, Bryan enjoyed her presence...

'...Is he even my boyfriend? D-Do I like Bryan-senpai...?'

She assumed Bryan's usual posture as she sunk her head into her encircled arms. It felt comfortable, no wonder he liked it.

She felt hot, her heart was hastily pumping, she felt her moist pants and heard her inhalations.

Now that she thought about it, Bryan was someone important to her; she couldn't bear losing him. Dave, her boyfriend, was just a poor excuse for a boyfriend...

'Why am I having these thoughts...?'

That was indeed bizarre. It was different from when there was a school vacation. She would miss him of course, but this time was different. Her woman's intuition was kicking in and felt that her fears might come true...

"Up for studying?"

"Yeah, we need to prepare early."

"Haah, this sucks..."

The usual trio of girls entered the classroom. Linda, who heard them, stood up and approached them. As his classmates, they should know something about her senpai, so she went and asked them.

"...Excuse me. Do you know why Bryan-senpai is absent today?"

They looked amongst each other for a moment, waiting for someone to speak first. The trio knew Linda as they were always the first to come back to class after lunch, so they knew she and Bryan had some sort of friendship.

They didn't know if they should tell her, but the frankest among them spoke up.

"He passed away."

Though she kept it brief, Linda had a hard time comprehending it, so she asked, "Sorry? Maybe I didn't hear right?"

"I'm saying he sadly died." The class was greatly shocked by the bad news.

"H-He's dead...?" she staggered backwards. "N-No, that shouldn't be possible! You must be kidding!" she exclaimed. She didn't want to believe it. The thought of her beloved senpai dying hadn't crossed her mind at all.

"Well, if you don't believe us, you can check our homeroom teacher as he's the one who told us." The other two nodded.

Linda's eyes flickered for a moment at the girl's words. She didn't waste time and rushed to the faculty office (she almost tripped at the stairs).

She strongly opened the door, and she heavily breathed, her face glistening from sweat.

"Verschmitzt-sensei!" she shouted, walking toward his desk in a hurry.

He was the only one there, preparing the quiz, though he couldn't exactly focus.

"What's wrong?" he asked the panting Linda despite knowing why she came.

"I-I heard Bryan-senpai passed away! Is it true?!"

Mr Verschmitzt closed his eyes for a moment. He knew Linda and Bryan were close, so relaying the bad news to her was difficult. But as an adult and teacher, he had to.

"...I am sorry. But sadly, it is true. Bryan-kun committed suicide," he laid it out. He was a changing man, from bad to good, so he couldn't help but blame himself for Bryan's death as his pistol went missing, and Bryan's death was followed by a gunshot. It couldn't be a coincidence, he thought, hence why he felt a bit guilty. If he had disposed of it sooner, then maybe...

"N-No... Senpai killed himself...? I-It can't be..." Linda shakily uttered. Her hands trembled and her vision blurred. The only thing she could hear was her hastened heartbeat and nothing else.

"Linda-san!"

Mr Verschmitzt's concerned shout didn't reach Linda as she thudded to the floor. The news was too much to handle—she fainted.

That day, was the day Linda's eyes lost their shine, her heart swallowed by darkness and sorrow.

*****

Bryan-senpai... Bryan-senpai...! Bryan-senpai...!!

It hurts, it hurts so badly... You left our world without notice, without telling ME...! Why?! Why did you have to leave me?! You enjoyed the time we spent together, didn't you?! So why...?

You know, I was really looking forward to watching anime, to watch something capable of making you smile. And you know what? The moment I heard you were gone I lost complete interest. If I watched it, it would only add fuel to my aching heart. Without senpai, everything is meaningless!

I dumped my boyfriend without hesitation. Why? It was a meaningless relationship. Maybe you didn't make advances because of him, so I cut him off. He was a hindrance, a liability, to you, senpai.

The head pat you gave me, remember? That was the most joyful and blissful moment of my life. An unexplainable feeling came over me, that I couldn't get enough sleep that night. But knowing I would meet you the next day, I woke up full of energy.

Guess what? You were gone! You left me...all alone... I miss you, senpai... You were everything to me, I realised... But now, it's too late...

The moment your coffin was trampled over by a truck, I cried, even your body was not in peace! Just why did a mere truck multiply my pain and agony?! I probably suffered more than your mother. Yes, I met her. I also went to your funeral. It was gloomy, wearing all black, sad, and full of sorrows.

I miss you, senpai... I yearn for you, your voice, your face, your touch, your love, your whole existence, your very soul—I want all of it! I want your everything! But I can't...! It's too late...

My grades dropped. My parents took me to therapy. It didn't work. The only thing that can fill the big gap in my chest is senpai, and he can bring me salvation, happiness and utter bliss. Without you, senpai, everything is meaningless.

The only thing that kept me from taking my life was that head pat. It dwelt in my head until the end. Crying to sleep, I think of the pleasant moments that could've happened if you were alive...

We were supposed to be together, forever, until the end of time, happily ever after... That is how it was supposed to go! Go on fancy dates, and have children! I would've had you all to myself! But you left...without even saying goodbye...

Why...? Just why...?

All this time, my love and desire for you have not been forgotten... I still desire your voice, with every fibre of my being, my very soul yearns for your existence until the very end...

I don't remember the old me. After your leave, the word "happiness", along with its related terms and synonyms, got erased from my vocabulary because you were all that mattered, they went with you, and I will probably never get them back.

Bryan-senpai, I yearn for you, I want your love and affection and praise... You are my everything, and belong only to me!

*****

Two years later, Linda passed away due to heart failure. But fortunately for her, her corpse was not trampled by Truck-kun.