The first time I thought about dying

"You... If I knew you would be like this, I would have never give birth to you!!! Never!!"

These few words... made my life dark.. That shattered my heart into pieces that can never be fixed again. 

Maybe It was because I never thought My mother would tell these words... 

The next day, My mother said she was sorry for being angry, and I said it was alright... Deep in my heart, I was never alright and will never be...  And that was the first time I ever wanted to die.

My name is Louis and 19 years old. It has been 5 years since that incident. In a flash, I became an university student. I thought If I become an uni student, my life would be better and maybe I would never think of death again. But it was meaningless. It was the same. That thought...

Even though I act normally, smiling, laughing as if I don't have any hardships. But that is not my real self tho. I want to cry and shout and walk about how hard it is for me live and have someone beside me to listen. However I can't do that. How can I say that because of my mother's words, I have been living like this? Instead of saying that I would rather my mouth shut. 

In these 5 years, I have been attempting so many suicides so far. 

One day, I tried stab a knife to my belly, but my brother showed up, so I failed.

And also I tried wrapping a rope around my neck so hard that I will die by suffocating. But also failed. 

Tried to walk into the coming car but...

Jumping from window but it was hard because It was my house's window so that my family will know it soon so...

So far, I tried so many methods but failed in everytime...

But in the meantime, I wished to God to make me sick.. An illness that can't be cured. So that I will die. Everyday I prayed from god to make me die. But the God didn't respond in these 5 years at all. I didn't know why but I thought it is an easy job for him. 

I lived with utmost will to die. As to this, I can't live like this anymore. It is so hard for me to live like this wanting to die everyday, every hour, every minute and every second. I just hated it. 

I thought what's the reason for me to live? It is meaningless. As day pass, my favourite activities became so boring, even though I felt so much happiness before. 

I cried from time to time. 

I laughed sometimes like a crazy person. 

As time passes I began to not understand myself.

It just felt like I was becoming a total different person, not Louis but other person who I don't know. 

It was scary and I feel myself drowning into a very deep yet cold and dark ocean that can't be taken out anymore. Also I want someone to take me out this ocean because It was very dark and cold also.. lonely. 

All these years I just buried these emotions and thoughts deep inside my heart.

Karl: You should talk about your thought more freely. Why don't you? It will be painful if you let it leave it like this. If you want, I will listen to it.

Louis: .....Thank you, Karl. I will think about it. 

Karl: I will always be there for you. Don't worry. I will never let you be alone.

Louis: ... okay!

That time when I heard his words, If it is him then maybe I could talk about this. I can't live like this anymore. I wanted to talk about it. It's like there is a heavy stone on my chest. It was suffocating.

Louis: Karl.. if you have a time, I would like to ta....

Karl: Oh, Louis... I am so sorry. I had a girlfriend, so I can't talk with you. You know it will be awkward right? Being with you, maybe my gf will be angry about it.. So maybe later or You should talk about it with other people right? It is not like I am the only person right? You understand me right? Because you are smart, Louis!

Louis:... Right, it is correct. I am so sorry for disturbing you. I will take my leave right now.

Karl: Ah, Louis?! Wa..

Louis: Oh and also never approach me again. Stay away from me.

From that time I also lost my trust in people. They are all liars..

What is the point of living like this?! I just want to die... I can't live like this anymore?

Why ... Why my life became like this? Just where did it go all wrong? 

I wasn't like this.. I was just a normal child until now.. Just where did it go all wrong?

Maybe I really shouldn't born in the first place like mother told. 

I shouldn't born... 

just please someone... help me to get out of this hell...

"Hey, are you Louis?" 

Louis: Who are you? Do I know you?

Lucas: Um.. so sorry. I should introduce myself first. Ahemmm. My name is Lucas. And I am your soulmate!

Louis: ... excuse me but .. What?!

Until he appeared... my life was hellish...