12. Chapter 12

As Maya walks towards her front door, she's so focused on texting Carina about the baby she just delivered that she isn't even aware of the person sitting on her doorstep. She startles when she hears them say, "hey," and her head finally shoots up.

"Mason," Maya sighs, taking a breath to slow her heart rate again. "Hey," she says more calmly this time. "What are you doing here? Are you okay?"

She hasn't seen her brother since he stopped by the station a couple weeks ago. She was worried she wouldn't ever hear from him again and hated how sad that made her feel.

But here he is. Maya can't help but smile.

He looks even better than he did when he came by the station. He's had his hair cut since then and underneath his gray zip up hoodie, he's wearing a blue button down shirt that doesn't have any wrinkles. The color of the shirt makes his eyes brighter and Maya is struck by just how much they look alike.

They used to pretend they were twins as kids. They would wear outfits that matched as much as possible and tell everyone they passed that they were twins. It always earned them a doting laugh and comments on how cute they were.

Maya hates they ever stopped doing that. She remembers her dad telling them one day they needed to grow up and stop acting like children. They never once played the twin game again.

"I uh…I have the night off and was wondering if you wanted to get dinner?" Mason says awkwardly as he stands, like he isn't sure if he actually wants to be asking.

She starts to point out that he could've texted her first, but realizes they didn't share numbers. She doesn't even know if he has a phone. It doesn't matter though, she's just happy he's here. They've never been affectionate, but after the afternoon she had with Carina and Andrew, she finds herself wanting to hug her little brother tightly. She doesn't, of course, but she takes the slightest step forward on instinct.

"Yeah, yeah, of course. That would be great," she smiles, not wanting to be overly excited and scare him away, but thrilled he's asking. "Do you want to come in? I can cook something. My roommates should be home before too long, I'd love for you to meet them."

He stuffs his hands in the pockets of his jeans and rocks back on his heels. "Actually, there's this really good diner a few blocks from here. I was thinking we could go there?"

Maya can tell from the hesitation in his tone he thinks having dinner at her home with her roommates is too much right now and she can't blame him. They're still getting to know each other again, they don't need the added pressure of something so personal.

"That sounds perfect."

They walk in near silence to the diner, aside from exchanging "how are you's" and "fines". It's not painfully uncomfortable, though. Maya just likes having his company again after so long.

As nervous as she feels around him, she also feels like she can breathe better for the first time in a long time. It's like just having him near her eases the tightness she constantly feels in her chest. Her shoulders relax a little and the tension she always feels in her spine starts to relent.

She never even realized just how desperately she missed him until she had him around again.

Once they're seated in a booth and looking over the menu (Maya's pretending she didn't just eat a little over an hour ago), Maya finally speaks up.

"So how are things going at work?"

He looks up at her surprised, almost like he forgot she was even sitting across from him. He clears his throat and says, "it's uhm…it's good. I'm just stocking shelves at a grocery store at night and I pick up shifts unloading trucks whenever they need the help. Nothing special."

Maya can tell he enjoys the job, even if he's downplaying it. Maybe he's just happy to have something to keep him busy or proud of himself that he's been able to hold down a job for a while. Either way, Maya is happy to see him take pride in something again.

"Is it weird being in a grocery store after hours when no one is there?" She asks.

They always used to love accompanying their mom to the store when they were little. The shelves seemed to stretch up to the sky from their tiny stature and they always dared the other to climb them. They would pretend to be twins and hold hands as they followed after their mom. Maya never told him, but she liked feeling like a protective big sister by holding his hand and making sure he didn't get lost. She smiles at the memories.

He grins a little. "Yeah, it's kind of cool. There's usually a couple other people working too, but it's so quiet most of the time it's almost a little creepy. It's so different from during the day."

The server comes and takes their order then. Maya gets pancakes and Mason teases her for ordering breakfast for dinner, but then changes his mind and orders the same thing. They fall into silence once the server leaves, but it's not as uncomfortable this time.

Eventually, Mason looks up from where he's playing with a sugar packet and breaks the silence. "So you have roommates?"

"Yeah, I have two. Andrew and Carina." Maya can't help but smile as she thinks about them. "They're brother and sister, and are doctors at Grey-Sloan. I've lived with Andrew awhile now, but his sister just moved here from Italy a couple months ago."

"That's cool," Mason hums. He takes an awkward pause, unsure where to take the conversation next.

Maya makes herself speak first. She hates the tension too much to let it hang there any longer. "They have a pretty interesting relationship," she starts. "They were really close as kids, then their parents separated and Andrew came to the US with their mom and Carina stayed with their dad in Italy so they didn't see each other much. But now that they're older, they've gotten close again. They're both really glad they reconnected."

Mason squints his eyes, like he suddenly isn't sure who the person sitting across from him is. He leans forward, resting his elbows on the table and studying Maya curiously. "Are you really comparing your roommates losing touch because their parents divorced to us being forced apart for self preservation from our abusive, son of a bitch father?"

Maya jerks back like she's been slapped. She really hadn't meant to make the comparison. At least she didn't do it consciously. Maybe a part of her is jealous of Carina and Andrew's relationship and she wants that for herself and Mason. But she didn't intend to draw the parallel.

She's more hung up on the fact he called their dad abusive. She's never thought of him that way. He was incredibly strict, sure. He had a bad temper and could also be really cold, but abusive isn't the first word that comes to mind for him. He just wanted her to succeed. He wanted them both to succeed, but only Maya ever did in his eyes.

Maya's jaw wobbles a couple times as she tries to figure out how to respond, but all she can manage is, "Dad never hit us."

Mason scoffs, like he can't believe he actually has to explain himself. "Abuse isn't just physical."

"I know that," Maya bites, getting defensive now.

Mason opens his mouth, but then snaps it closed. He grinds his teeth for a moment before finally saying, "I don't want to talk about Dad. I didn't come here to talk about him."

"Then why did you come here, Mason?" She snaps.

Mason slumps back in his seat and breaks eye contact. He clearly doesn't have an answer.

She didn't want their time together to dissolve like this, but maybe things are just too volatile between them now. Maybe they can never repair the things their dad broke.

And if that's the case, she'd rather they figure that out now than later. She doesn't want to get her hopes up about getting her brother back only to have them ripped away when they realize this was never going to work because they're too far gone.

"Honestly, Mason," she says, softer this time. She doesn't want to attack him, she just wants the truth. "Are you only here because I gave you money and you feel obligated? Because if that's the case, then fine. Just call it like it is, we don't have to pretend. Or are you here because you're actually interested in trying to scrape together at least some semblance of a relationship with me? Because that's what I want, but let's not kid ourselves if it's not possible."

Mason is quiet for a while. He sips his water and breathes steadily, gathering his thoughts. He was always so careful with his words. Maya lets him take his time, but the few seconds she has to wait are agonizing. She knows the answer she wants, but she isn't sure the answer she'll get.

"I'm here because I want to be," Mason finally says.

Maya's shoulders drop in relief and she lets out an audible, grateful breath that she knows Mason hears. She's laying it out there how much she wanted that exact answer out of him, but she's okay revealing her cards to him. She feels better now knowing he won't throw them back in her face.

He sighs and continues. "I don't know what's possible to repair between us, but I want to try." He offers her a small smile before he scowls again and adds, "I still don't want to talk about Dad, though."

"We don't have to," she rushes out, wanting him to know that isn't a deal breaker. "It can just be about us."

"That would be nice."

They share a smile and Maya feels like a weight lifts off her chest once again. She doesn't know how much better this thing between them can become, doesn't know if they'll ever be close like they were when they were younger, but knowing they're both on board to try sets Maya's heart at ease.

Their conversation through the rest of dinner is still awkward and a little stiff, but they do their best. Mason even agrees to their dinners becoming a weekly thing, so long as it works for their schedules. They exchange numbers before going their separate ways and finally having a way to get in contact with him after not knowing where the hell he was for so long makes Maya happy in a way she wasn't expecting.

She's struck with the urge to hug him, but knows they aren't there yet. She's never really been a hugger, but for some reason she's looking forward to the day they're comfortable enough with each other again that she can wrap her arms around her little brother and know they're going to be okay.

++++++++

Before she can even open her mouth to announce her presence, she hears someone shush her from the living room. She walks into the room with a confused expression, but understands immediately.

Carina is sitting at one end of the couch with Andrew stretched across it, his feet in her lap and Whiskers purring on his chest. Andrew is passed out cold, even snoring lightly. Relief floods her chest to see him sleeping so soundly. She's so happy to see him actually getting some sleep, she doesn't even feel the need to tease him later about snoring.

But then he lets out a particularly loud snore and Maya thinks she might need to tease him at least a little bit.

"Oh good, he actually came home," Maya whispers, walking closer and settling down on the couch's arm next to Carina.

"I had to actually drag him out of the hospital, but I'm just happy he's here," she smiles, tapping his shin with her fingers. "He was barely awake long enough to eat dinner."

The worried creases I'm her forehead as she looks at Andrew make so much more sense now after her conversation with Maya earlier. Carina looks at Andrew likes she's terrified, but loves him so much she's trying not to be.

Maya just wants to hold Carina and tell her everything will be okay.

She settles instead for a gentle squeeze of her shoulder and says, "that's good, he needs as much sleep as he can get."

Andrew has a peaceful expression on his face while he sleeps, which is so much better than the furrowed brow and heavy eyes he had through their lunch earlier. He looks so young and at ease when he sleeps. Maya thinks she might be seeing Andrew the way Carina always does, even if just for a moment. She understands exactly Carina's concerns for him and hopes this quiet moment allows her to stop worrying, at least for a few hours.

Maya looks up at the TV and realizes there's a basketball game playing on low volume. She recognizes the familiar green jerseys of Andrew's favorite team, the Seattle Storm.

"I didn't think you liked basketball," Maya says quietly, nudging Carina's shoulder.

"It will never compare to football, but I don't hate it," Carina rolls her eyes playfully. "Andrea was very excited for the game, but fell asleep before it started. I thought I would watch it and let him know how it goes. At least I will try to explain," she laughs.

Maya smiles at her effort. She chooses not to tell Carina she won't actually need to update him because Travis is probably texting his commentary every ten seconds. She knows Andrew won't tell her either. He'll happily listen to every word she says, thrilled she watched for him.

They watch the game in silence for a few moments before Maya feels Carina's hand lay over her knee, thumb tracing circles on the outside.

"Where did you go tonight?" She asks curiously.

Maya's brain can only focus on Carina's hand so it takes her several seconds to register the question and then another few to process it and formulate a response.

"Oh uh…I was having dinner with my brother."

Carina's eyebrows shoot up to her hairline before her lips curl into a proud grin. "Really?" She exclaims too loudly, head jerking towards Andrew once she realizes her mistake. He's still dozing away though, so she continues more quietly this time. "Maya, that's wonderful. How was it?"

Maya chews her lip as she thinks over the best way to respond. "It was so many things," she says. "But I think it was mostly good. We're going to try and make dinner a weekly thing."

"Oh, Maya," Carina sighs. She squeezes Maya's knee and leans her head against her arm. "I am so happy for you. I know how important this is to you."

Maya beams at how well Carina gets her.

Carina was the only one she told about Mason coming by the station at first. Vic and Travis knew of course because they were there, which meant everyone at the station knew by the end of shift, but she didn't talk about it with any of them. She ignored their questions and shut down any attempt at a conversation about it. She just wasn't ready yet. She was still processing it herself, so she definitely wasn't prepared to share it with someone else.

She had no trouble telling Carina about it when she got home from her shift that morning, though. Carina is just so easy to talk to. Maya wanted to share that news with her and she was glad she did. Carina understands wanting a connection with a brother on a personal level so she was able to share that hesitant joy with Maya better than any of her other friends could have.

She didn't tell Andrew about it until a few days after it happened. She needed more time to process it herself before opening up to anyone other than Carina. Plus, he hasn't been home as much so she took the time to really think about it.

Andrew was supportive, of course, but he was also cautious. He wanted her to be careful, but he also really wanted things to work out well. He had glanced over at Carina where she was cooking dinner in the kitchen with a smile and told Maya how nice it was reconnecting with a long lost sibling. He said it quietly, but based on the way Carina cleared her throat and sniffled a few moments later, she definitely heard.

Being a big sister with a complicated sibling dynamic herself, Carina understood Maya's willingness to try more than Andrew did. Carina's hopeful excitement and Andrew's cautious encouragement was exactly the balance Maya needed.

"Thank you," Maya says. She risks a glance over at Andrew to make sure he's still asleep before laying her hand over Carina's on her knee. She needs the extra support for what she's about to say next. "He said something about our dad that's been bothering me, though."

She knows it's a risky topic to bring up with Carina considering how tense things got last time they discussed Maya's dad. Carina stiffens slightly next to her, but Maya pretends she doesn't notice. She wants to talk about this with someone and despite knowing her the shortest amount of time, Carina is the only person Maya's ever really opened up to about her dad, even just as little as she has. Maybe it's because Carina opened up about her own father so vulnerable this afternoon that she's willing to bring this up.

"What did he say?" Carina asks, doing her best to not sound critical right from the start.

"He said he was abusive," Maya admits, the word feeling foreign on her tongue.

It still doesn't sound right, even after hearing Mason say it earlier. It's been bugging her since he said it, but of course she dropped it with him and didn't try to push it. She would've ruined everything before it had even started if she hadn't.

Carina bites her lip, like she's holding herself back from saying what she really wants. She takes a slow breath through her nose and instead asks, "and you don't think he was?"

Maya takes a moment to think that over again. She hasn't stopped thinking about it since Mason said it. She carried on silted conversations the rest of dinner on a variety of different topics, but her mind kept going back to that single word. Is he being dramatic? Or has she really been that naïve her entire life?

"I don't know what to think," she admits. "He was tough on us, sure, but he was also always the first one who rushed to hug me after I won a race. He was my biggest supporter, the only one who fully went on that journey with me."

"Abusers aren't always cruel. That's how they're able to get away with it for so long," Carina says carefully.

Carina does a good job keeping the accusation out of her voice. Maya isn't sure whether she's being cautious because of how their last conversation about Maya's dad went or she's empathizing with her after opening up about her own relationship with her dad, but Maya appreciates it. She's clearly trying to handle this in a way that won't upset Maya, while still trying to help her figure things out.

"You're right, but it just seems like such a stretch to me. I don't know," she huffs. "I don't want to be that asshole who says Mason is making it up, because I don't think he is. I know that's truly what he believes. He's just always been so much more sensitive, so I wonder if maybe we just reacted to our experiences differently."

Carina hums and squeezes Maya's knee. She glances at Andrew and then carefully turns her body more towards Maya while doing her best not to disturb him. Though honestly, he's so out he probably wouldn't even realize if Carina had shoved him off the couch entirely.

"Maybe it's not that you reacted differently, but you had different experiences all together," Carina suggests. "You said your father pushed both of you to succeed, but you're the one who was winning a gold medal and Mason wanted to go to art school. I'm assuming that is not something your dad thought was successful. Do you think that while you also got to see a good side of your dad when he celebrated with you, Mason never got to see that side? Instead, he only ever saw the bad?"

Maya thinks that through before answering. She never thought of it like that. As a kid, she thought she was protecting Mason by taking all the attention for herself. She thought if all their dad's energy was spent pushing her, then Mason would be free. Maya was willing to take the brunt of what she thought was just their dad's tough love because she knew she could handle it better than Mason could. It wasn't until they were older and Mason OD'd that she realized how wrong she was thinking he was safe because of her.

Carina makes a good point. Maya saw two different sides of their father that Mason was never privy to. He was just familiar with the cold shoulder and neglect. He never saw their dad be proud of him like Maya did. She was able to ignore the bad times because she also got to experience some good. For Mason it was all bad.

"I never thought of it like that," Maya admits.

Her mind is reeling a little bit. She feels like Carina reached into her mind, pulled out all the wires to her childhood memories and reconnected them differently. Everything looks so different when she thinks back on her childhood now. She doesn't even know what the right connections are anymore.

She feels panic building in her throat and knows she's about to spiral. Just before she's able to stand from the couch and escape to her room, Carina's hand on Maya's knee moves to grab her hand and squeezes it tightly. It keeps her grounded, like Carina could tell Maya was about to lose it and wanted to reel her back in before she got too far.

"I'm not trying to compare," Carina says gently. "I don't know how things really were with your dad, only you do. But I do know for me, it took a long time to recognize my Papà's behavior as abusive. I knew he was tough and could be very mean to me, but it wasn't all like that. He could also be very loving and celebrated my accomplishments with me so those moments made it easier to overlook the bad ones. They also made it harder to realize what I went through with him was an abusive relationship. He never hit me, it was never physical, but it was mental and emotional, which was just as traumatic. I didn't have bruises or scars as a reminder, but growing up in that environment had lasting effects. It shaped how I formed relationships for so long, it probably still does in some ways. It made me afraid of getting close to people because I never wanted someone to have the power to hurt me like that. Andrea didn't grow up with him like I did, though. So to him, Papà was complicated, but he was mostly just a good dad. He was the man who would take him on motorcycle tours of Europe when he visited over the summer. He was the man who taught him to play football and took him to games. He was the man who taught him to love surgery. Andrea wasn't around him enough to see all the bad stuff too. He didn't experience him the same way I did."

Carina sighs and brings her other hand up to trace patterns on the top of Maya's thigh, almost absent mindedly. "Again, I don't mean to say your relationship with your father is the same, but maybe it is more than it seems. Maybe now that you're older, you just need to look at it a different way and try to see things from your brother's perspective," she concludes.

Maya nods, trying to process her words and not be distracted by what Carina's fingers are doing. She's dealt with so many emotions today. She's mentally and physically exhausted. All she wants is a break.

"I'm afraid to think of it too much. I'm worried about what I'll uncover," Maya admits.

She doesn't have the brainpower to dive into that mess right now, but she also doesn't know when she'll be capable of doing that. She knows she should, but it feels so daunting to even imagine right now. Maybe when she's ready, Carina will help her through that too. Maya is pretty sure Carina will be willing to be there for her in any way she needs.

"You don't have to figure it all out right now." Carina smiles and lifts Andrew's legs so she can slide over on the couch. "Right now, you can just watch this boring basketball game with me and keep me from falling asleep before the end," she laughs, patting the space next to her on the couch.

Maya grins, grateful for the out. She slides off the couch's arm into the place Carina made for her. There's barely enough room so her whole thigh is pressed tightly against Carina's, but it gives her a welcome, warm sensation she never wants to go away.

And if her arm ends up on the back of the couch around Carina's shoulders, it's only because it's more comfortable given the limited area. At least that's what she tells herself when she sees the smirk Carina gives her out of the corner of her eye.

"I'm totally going to give Andrew shit for his snoring tomorrow," Maya teases, wanting to lighten the mood.

Carina laughs and looks over at her brother lovingly. "As long as he's sleeping, I can handle the snoring. It was worse when he was a child. I could hear him through the wall."

Maya smiles at the thought. "You're going to have to show me some childhood photos of you two sometime. I'll bet you were both adorable."

"Yes, but I was the cutest." She looks back over to Maya and winks.

Maya feels herself grin even though she really just wants to roll her eyes at the cheap shot. "I don't doubt that," she says because she knows it's true.

Carina smiles and settles against Maya as they let a comfortable quiet fall between them so they can strain to hear the low volume of the TV over Andrew's snores.

Maya finds herself wishing things could always be like this.