Chapter 1

The words he sang while looking in her eyes where definitely not innocent. She hesitated for a while, not knowing if he was really looking at her. She definitely wasn't as beautiful as the other girls there. Or for the least, she had a less feminine way of being. Almost no makeup. She didn't show of any off her features. Her back was hunched.

The split second his eyes first met hers, it was like an electric shock. Going from her heart down to her belly. Joy filled her being. She was too shy to dance like the others. Moving every part of their body freely. She just couldn't. Unless her best friends were around, she didn't feel comfortable enough. And she felt, like she didn't fit the style. Like she was that weird intruder from another century. The venue was alternative. Like really alternative. Like the barkeepers don't smile and only serve you when they feel like making a drink. Resulting in huge lines of people waiting for theirs.

Maybe he didn't realize he was looking at her while singing those words.

Didn't he have a girlfriend? Though last time she saw them, his (maybe) girlfriend didn't greet him and just walked past him, tapping on his arm, as if he was her buddy. But the kind of buddy, that you are just buddy with, because you share a same friend group, but where you never really understood what the others saw in him and how he could be a part of the same social group as you.

Exciting thoughts popped up in her minds. She saw him and herself making out in the back. Him standing between her legs, lifting her skirt. Lifting her body on top of some cases. Kissing her neck. Her feeling his hardness against her belly.

But she was wearing pants.

Caught up in her thoughts she forgot to continue dancing and didn't realize, the band stopped playing and the guys where starting to get off stage. Maybe in earlier days, she would have tried to catch his attention. But now she tried not to. Her legs got restless. She tapped her fingers on her arm, trying to catch a glimpse of him without him noticing. Their eyes met again. She sight. He came over.

„Hey!", putting his arm around her waist. He looked genuinely happy to see her. And also drunk.

„Hey, you guys were awesome!"

„Thanks, really cool you made it. Want to go smoke?"

She had quit smoking a couple of weeks ago. Initially she had just started because she had a crush on a smoker in high school. Stupid.

„Sure, let's go"

Plus she hated the brand he smoked. She always got headaches from them.

He made his way outside very fast, she could barely keep up. Outside a friend of his called him over. There she was, standing outside, in the cold. Not knowing what to do with herself. She glanced to the right and saw a girl taking a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket. These one where her favorite brand. So she walked towards her and asked her for one. The girl smiled and gave her on. She put it in the mouth. She waited for the girl to light her own first and then giving her the lighter. Just then he came back. Holding two cigarettes in his hand, looking a bit puzzled. Possibly disappointed. But he didn't ask, light his own cigarette, put the second one behind his ear and smiled at her. If she would just dare taking one step towards him, she bet, she would be able to sense the heat coming from his body. But now all she had was the sight of him. Tall, a bit slender, in his jeans jacket with a teddy fur collar. His hairs where messy, his beard as well. His eyes dark, but his face joyful.

"So how are you?"

"Fine", she answered, "You?"

"Yeah", talking while his cigarette was still in his mouth, hands in the pocket of his jeans.

In her fantasies she would have taken the cigarette out of his mouth, caressed his lips and leaned in for a kiss. But in the reality they just stood there, in silent. Not knowing what to say to each other. Around them people were talking, laughing. Their voices were buzzing. But all she heard was his breath and the cigarette burning down.

God, the smoke felt good in her lungs.

"What are you doing after this", he asked her.

"I'm not sure", though she was very sure. She needed to sleep. She was so tired from her week. It was Friday, but it felt like a Monday morning.

For some reason she chose to be vague. "Convince me", she thought.

"I think the other guys want to go to a bar not far from her"

"Cam, can we -", she wasn't sure, what she was about to say. He looked at her not understanding the internal struggle that had started in her mind.

"Ehm"

"What?"

She didn't have the courage. Inside of her, everything became heavy and soft.

"Hey Cam, we're going back on stage!", his band mate called him.

"Sorry, Emily", he whispered and smiled at her. With his hand he touched her shoulder, hesitated for a split second. Or that was what she wanted to believe. And went back inside.

She didn't want to give off the vibe of a groupie. So she lingered outside for a while. But standing out there on her own felt bad. The whole thing felt bad. She was torn between going back in or going home. If she were to stay and go back in, she knew the kind of game she would start playing. The flirting. The slowly getting closer. The gradually touching each other more and more. Until a kiss. And the dance before going back home to his or her place. And well. The fucking.

Just thinking about it made her nauseous and horny.

And after the fucking, the getting fucked over. The uncertainty. The intense loneliness as soon as he'd be gone. The first misunderstanding, the first fight. The inability to express themselves. The helplessness.

Inside Cam was getting back on stage, putting his guitar over his head, tuning it. The crowd was slowly moving back to the front of the stage. He played the first chord, leaned forward to the microphone. She could see the veins of his arms intensifying as he brushed the strings. His feet started to move, his body seemed to get caught in the rhythm. The audience responded by moving shyly at first. But the longer they played and the more all of them gave into the energy of the song. Starting to dance heavily. Some couples, some people on their one, but mostly groups of friends. Seemingly having the time of their lives.

She wanted to join them so badly.