| R18 - Idle Hands (Part 1)

Still hurting after the loss of her grandfather, grieving and confused, Soo-Ah stared at the tent's moving flap from where Sung-Ho made his way out. The warmth of his embrace still lingered on her skin.

Since sharing a meal together almost every day and occasionally stumbled upon each other, Soo-Ah got plenty of chances to sting the mighty General Sung-Ho with her misconceptions or to bash him for committing the sin of being a man. How she had loved to turn her edges sharp and to spit her venom. An attack was always the best defense and she needed all the defenses she could muster because every day she grew terrified. Sung-Ho always beheld her as if he was beholding a woman, wise, grown, mature and ripe for the taking. She was terrified of embracing the womanhood he saw in her.

Every time she made her customary reproaches, Sung-Ho politely reasoned on her stingy remarks, his calm and knowledgable attitude having an unexpected side effect: she began to lower her guard. For the first time, her mind was relaxed enough and free to go places she never thought would dwell inside of her. Being around this man became too complicated. Perhaps it would be better if she left, putting as much distance as possible between them, for he was for sure, unlike any other men she had crossed paths with before.

Her eyes, still wet from the tears she recently shed, strained down to her fiddling hands. They had been idle for so many days. Perhaps this is why her mind could not keep still and came up with nonsense, lingering for too long on Sung-Ho. There must be something she could do around camp, and she would do it tomorrow.

But her hands would not keep idle not even for one night.

Because under the cover of darkness, more than ever she fought to resist the deep-seated carnal urge awakening inside of her. She had to concede to Sung-Ho's indecent challenge. At least get a taste. The man needed not to know about it.

With the blanket tucked high, to hide her blushing and lustful gestures, her fingertips brushed over her body downwards, slowly reaching her crotch and touching that aching part of her in a way she never touched it before.

Grasping at the edge of womanhood, she was oblivious to what she should do. But the urge and her imagination were there to guide her.

The flesh was warm and moist and aching. Should she explore past the inner petals of her intimate flower?

The area underneath felt so soft and tingling. A promise lay hidden there. And there was a little round spot, tucked away underneath, that seemed to have a mind of its own, calling for her fingers. She gently brushed over it and the sensation made her gasp. Was this part of her body not there before?

Her hand glided lower, to the opening she was always confused about and that brought her such a scare a while ago. It too begged for the sort of attention Soo-Ah did not know how to provide. Her curiosity left her scared and her fingers drenched in strange moisture. She pulled back and decided it was safer to massage the spot on the very top of her slit, that oversensitive bud.

Every time she passed over it, it felt too good. Too good to be alive.

Something connected inside of her, a thrill, as if she was climbing a wave, desperate to reach its peak. Her fantasies brought Sung-Ho's face in front of her, and she did not turn him away.

The man's harmonious features, the little pinkish scar that gave him a feral allure, his lips she desperately needed to touch with her own. Her mind's eyes traveled further, to the image of his wet torso, and further still to that bulge in his pants, she happened to press against during their fighting match. Her pelvis reached upward at the thought of it, needing what he stashed there.

The vision of his enlarged member sent her wild for a moment, then vanished with the snap of a finger. She was breathing fast, dread replacing her lustful haze. Logic and everything she knew so far told her that a man's stiff member inflicted pain, not pleasure. She was sure of it. No matter to whom it belonged.

All that felt good, building on a promise but not delivering, suddenly left her feeling guilty.

She gave up on pleasuring herself. It was useless. She struggled to climb the wave of bliss, but never managed to reach its peak, becoming self-conscious and stopping just before taking a plunge into ecstasy. Her frustrations were encased one inside of the other. What was becoming of her, doing such shameful acts and getting nothing but more lust in return?

She hid her face in the pillow and hit the mattress in annoyance, taking deep breaths. She would have taken a cold bucket of water as well, but tiredness got to her first.

*

Together with the morning light, sneaking in from under the tent trimmings, along came the sounds of field camp's livelihood. Soo-Ah rolled on the other side in her cot, something she could not afford to do in her old camp at this hour. Until she remembered she could not afford it either this morning. A visit to the field hospital was her plan for the day and it was better to be there as early as possible. Hopefully, the field doctors and surgeons from her old encampment were still to make their rounds and with them, a chance to do something useful. And from that chance, a claim to remain here. As for her newfound discomfort being around General Sung-Ho, Soo-Ah decided it needed more thought and some distance.

The field hospital lay in an area of the encampment Soo-Ah had never seen before. Around it, new tents were being put up. Her eyes glinted when she recognized the familiar red and gold collars of her grandfather's regiments; now General Sung-Ho's. And they recognized her too. She wished they hadn't.

There was a certain tug at Soo-Ah's heart when the first familiar face of a soldier looked at her in disdain. Then the next, and the next one after that, until she realized all of them were coming out of the tents or leaving aside what they did to stare at her as if she wore a stigma. She used to be their link to the gods. Now they looked at her as if she was a heretic.

If her first impulse was to offer them a smile and even ask how they were fairing, Soo-Ah ended up keeping her head low and walking faster. Living among them for so long, she knew what they were all thinking in unison. She was an abomination. One that tricked them. On top of having been a woman, disguising as a man, she had been a woman, disguising as a man, playing war. Dishonesty and the audacity to touch something that was inherently theirs, put a stain on her image. No amount of indebtedness or camaraderie, for having tended to their wounds, or for having shared the same uniform, could get rid of that stain. Or of their disdain.

There was no place for a woman at war. But she had no other place to belong to.

*

The area around the field hospital was well tended, with fresh hay to help remove the dirt from the boots and newly whitened fabric used for the tents. The stingy smell of lye and medicinal herbs lingered around. Further back, there was a cauldron for boiling cloths and stretched strings for drying them out.

Soo-Ah entered what seemed to be the main infirmary. No doctors were around. Only ailing soldiers, bandaged on the way to recovery, still having their breakfast on their cots. No matter their troubles, they stopped eating and their faces brightened up at the sight of her. All seemed to polish their appearance, sit or lay straighter, to look more presentable in the hope they were the lucky ones she came searching for.

"Good day to you. Are there any doctors around?" Soo-Ah asked a lanky man, lying on his bed near the entrance.

"They are at the gathering, summoned for a day's report by the general, Young Mistress. It will be some time until they are back."

Soo-Ah thanked him and wanted to bid them farewell to allow them to continue their meal unperturbed. Heading for the exit her eyes landed on a man with his hands bandaged, having trouble eating his food.

"Would you like me to help you?" Soo-Ah asked him, looking intently at the spoon that fell from his bowl, staining the linens on the bed.

"Young Mistress is too generous. I would be indebted forever."

Forever or until I step on your precious boundaries, whatever they are, Soo-Ah thought to herself. In the end, it did not matter to her, so she smiled back and brought a stool near, proceeding to feed the soldier.

"I hope the young mistress does not mind me asking. But are you one of those high-end Kisaengs, for the nobles?" inquired the lanky soldier from earlier.

Soo-Ah's ears reddened. She now remembered the only kinds of women who were tolerated in a war camp.

"No, I am no kisaeng." She offered back a stingy reply, making the man regret his boldness.

"Forgive his foolish words, Mistress. You do look too fair to be a simple kisaeng. I bet you are the consort of one of the nobles out here. You came a long way on such a costly journey. You must be a faithful one, coming to find your husband in a place such as this. We won't get little Sillians from thin air." The injured man laughed then his cheeks turned red and looked to be in difficulty.

"I am of Hansanju, granddaughter of General Min-Jun's, named Soo-Ah and am nobody's bride." Soo-Ah made her statement with pride.

The soldiers lowered their gaze and spoke in unison, "May the gods bless the Old General with their grace, Young Mistress." Her grandfather's name commanded respect.

"May the gods bless him," they all spoke out loud with reverence.

After the moments of silence, the soldier Soo-Ah was feeding, asked, "But what are you doing here, Mistress, please forgive my daring mouth for asking?"

"Well, I am also a..." Soo-Ah paused, unsure of what to call her relationship with the young general, "an acquaintance of General Sung-Ho."

"If you would allow me to say, I think the general looks at you like you are more than an acquaintance." The lanky soldier already sounded confident enough to share.

"And how would you know how the general looks at me?" Soo-Ah asked, amused.

Looking proud of himself and showing to the tent's entrance, the soldier replied. "Because he was just there. But he signalled us to keep quiet while he stood watching you."