Hold

The school library was always a crowded place, particularly for the seniors who would study for their college entrance exam like their lives depended on it.

Chen An much preferred her bedroom, where she could play violin whenever she got bored without evoking the threatening glares of the other students. But, she still frequented the library often enough for the librarian to know her by name.

"Chen An, it's nice to see you again," the librarian, a quaint old lady like it seemed all librarians were, welcomed her with a warm smile.

Chen An greeted her in return and weaved through the bookshelves to find an empty table. Settling in her seat, she pulled out Mr. Wen's essay assignment and began to review the requirements. Each pair would have to write about their shared hopes and dreams for after graduation and present it to the class in a creative way at the end of the semester.

For Chen An, the assignment was simple. Her dream was one she had carefully planned for her whole life: attend Zhejiang University, study well, and start a fulfilling career. But, Li Jun Jie was much different from her, and she was sure it wasn't going to be that easy.

And Chen An, as always, was right.

"Absolutely not," Li Jun Jie said adamantly after hearing Chen An's idea. "Do you want to fail this assignment? Who would want to read such a boring essay?"

Offended by Li Jun Jie's comment, Chen An asked, "Well, what's your dream then?"

"I want to be a designer," Li Jun Jie said automatically, though his face seemed to fall nearly unnoticeably a moment after. "At least, I want to make an art piece that many people will find comfort in."

Chen An shook her head. "I think your dream is too grand for me. I don't think I can come up with something like an art piece featured in the city gallery."

"Well, we could think of other dreams outside of career-related ones," Li Jun Jie contemplated aloud. "How about family?"

"I only have my grandmother," Chen An replied straightforwardly.

"No, I mean your future family," Li Jun Jie emphasized. "Your spouse, your kids?"

Chen An was startled by the question. She had never thought about having her own family after her mother's passing. Though her grandmother had never said it outright, Chen An could tell that she blamed her mother's death on Chen An's father, a nameless man she forbid Chen An from ever mentioning.

Everyone who knew her mother always mentioned how beautifully she shone, like the flame of a paper lantern that burned briefly but brightly, and Chen An knew she must look more like her father than she did her mother. She wondered if her grandmother's heart ached every time she looked at Chen An and saw the man that killed her daughter.

Shaking away her jumbled thoughts, Chen An answered finally, "I've never thought about it." She hesitated for a moment before adding, "I don't think my grandmother would want that."

"Do you only ever think about your grandmother?" Li Jun Jie asked, doodling distractedly on Chen An's assignment sheet. "Don't you ever think of yourself?"

Chen An stared at him, stunned. "Myself..."

Li Jun Jie looked up at her strangely, his pen suddenly halting on the paper. "How about this then? We write our essays on our hope to become our own person."

Chen An couldn't tell if Li Jun Jie had meant to tease her or if he was serious, but she nodded in agreement anyway.

After what seemed like an eternity, Chen An stretched, finally finished with her essay. She glanced around the empty library; the last of the students had long left the building.

Li Jun Jie was sprawled on the table beside her. A neatly written paper lay underneath his head, and Chen An wondered if the words would be printed on his face when he woke. He looked much nicer when he was asleep, Chen An thought to herself. Though, his hair had grown too long, nearly covering his eyes.

Chen An shook his arm. "Li Jun Jie," she called annoyedly. "Come on, wake up."

But, Li Jun Jie didn't budge, his leaden arm unmoving even with Chen An's shove.

"Li Jun Jie," she repeated louder.

He remained unconscious, not a twitch in response.

Chen An's heart began to beat erratically. The school was almost empty by now; the security guard that patrolled the perimeter of the school gates would take far too long to find. How could she have left Li Jun Jie unattended so carelessly?

Just as Chen An was about to reach for her phone and dial the emergency number, Li Jun Jie cracked an eye open, a mischievous smile making its way onto his face.

Chen An hit him a little too harshly in frustration but mainly relief, her heart finally beginning to calm down.

Laughing, Li Jun Jie tried to reach a hand to pat Chen An's shoulder, but she avoided his touch.

"Don't be angry now," Li Jun Jie attempted to calm her. "It's not like I'm going to die."

Chen An furrowed her brow. How could he treat his own life so recklessly?

"Are you finished yet?" Li Jun Jie tried to change the subject. "Let me read your essay."

Hesitating, Chen An curled the paper toward herself, afraid of Li Jun Jie's judgement.

"Don't worry." Li Jun Jie plucked the sheets from Chen An's hands. She reached out to grab them but couldn't compete with his long limbs. "We'll still have to work together for the presentation, so I'll have to understand what you wrote anyway."

Giving in, Chen An settled reluctantly back into her chair.

Li Jun Jie's eyes scanned each line, and Chen An couldn't read his thoughts from his focused expression.

Chen An had written about her mother, the person that often came to her mind when she wrote about these sorts of things but had never made it on paper. Chen An wrote about all of the things she admired about her mother from the brief stories people had told her in passing. Her mother was talented and creative, able to write dozens of poems in a day and read even more. Her mother was beautiful and loved by everyone around her, as unreachable as a paper lantern that floated too high in the sky.

But, that lantern must have returned to earth when the candle inside had burned out before the sun rose. Chen An's mother had died in a way that suited her, beautifully and tragically like the poems she had filled her shelves with. She had died in a way that no one could ever blame her and nothing would ever be her fault.

When Chen An's mother had died, everyone had pitied her mother's early passing, the world losing a woman that shined so brightly. But, no one was ever worried about Chen An. She had always lived in her mother's shadow, those that knew her encouraging Chen An to study and practice hard to fulfill the dreams her mother never got to complete.

Chen An wished her mother had never died, not in the way most children do, because they loved their parents. She never knew her mother, never even had the chance to love her. Chen An wished her mother had never died because she wished to be her own person. It was a selfish wish, Chen An knew it for herself. But, didn't she have the right to be selfish when her mother had been selfish, too?

Li Jun Jie's eyes reached the final line, and he looked up at Chen An with an undecipherable expression. She had never seen that look before; it wasn't pity, like she was used to, it was something else that she couldn't quite read. To her surprise, Li Jun Jie hugged her abruptly, his arms tightening around her.

Li Jun Jie had always been careful not to touch Chen An, as if he was afraid she was a ghost that would disappear if he tried. But, now, he clung to her desperately, as if he was afraid she would drift away if he let go.

He didn't say anything; in many ways, he didn't need to. Chen An knew everything he meant to say and let herself fall into his embrace, certain Li Jun Jie would catch her.

When he finally released her, Chen An felt her heart go light for the first time in her life. Li Jun Jie had given her what she had hoped for from every person who knew of her mother's story: a chance to be not her mother's daughter, but just herself.

Li Jun Jie let the comfortable silence fall between them, waiting for Chen An to be ready to continue.

Finally, she asked, "Can I read your essay?"

Unexpectedly, Li Jun Jie just shook his head, hiding his neatly written paper in the depths of his backpack.

"Why not? You read my essay," Chen An replied, the familiar annoyance she held for Li Jun Jie comforting in some strange way.

Li Jun Jie held a finger to his grinning lips. "It's a secret."