chapter 9 (No more secrets to be hidden)

Li Qi sat quietly in the chair for a few minutes while the therapist remained silent in anticipation. At last, Li Qi broke the silence, saying,

"You asked about my first girlfriend. Well, we were both about 15 years old and lived in the same orphanage. We used to go to an abandoned building next to the orphanage to sit together away from prying eyes, occasionally kissing and hugging. "No more," as I didn't desire anything else. Everything she gave me was sufficient, and I was content. Just hugging her made me feel warm and comfortable."

Li Qi was smiling as he spoke, but then his expression suddenly clouded, and a glare filled with hatred appeared in his eyes as he said,

"But one day some bullies saw us, and they followed us to the building. They attacked us while we were kissing, and the one in charge said insulting things to my girlfriend and suggested that we share her or that they would beat me and report us to the orphanage to punish us. So I got into a fight with them. I was at the top of the stairs, so I had the upper hand as I threw them one by one from the top of the stairs to the bottom. They were falling down the stairs, rolling in pain, and unable to get back up, and I would have been satisfied up to that point; even I took my girlfriend's hand and was leaving, but that bastard who was leading this gang commented that he would not leave me alone and that he would take revenge on me and my girlfriend, saying, "Beware: I will never leave you in peace after this." So I had no choice but to return to him and continue slamming his head on the ground till he died, while my girlfriend and his gang were screaming, "Stop, stop!" But I didn't stop until I was sure he was dead, and his friends ran away, dragging themselves out of fear and pain."

Li Qi's face was very calm as he said that he had killed the boy, and he wasn't wondering with his eyes what the therapist thought as usual, and the therapist was also calm while Li Qi continued.

"After this incident, my girlfriend broke up with me and said she no longer loved me; furthermore, she became afraid of me. After that, she avoided talking to or seeing me, and after a short time she went to a family who adopted her, and I never saw her again."

Li Qi said his last sentence in an expressionless voice, as if he were giving a report. The therapist asked,

"Have you been out of your consciousness and not heard their voices? Or you were unable to stop?"

Li Qi laughed sarcastically and said,

"Didn't I tell you now that they were screaming? Doesn't that mean I heard them?"

He raised an eyebrow, as if to say, "What a stupid question."

"I wasn't angry to the point of losing control; I am never losing control. I killed him consciously and willingly; yes, I decided at that moment to kill him in order to protect myself from his threats. I didn't want to keep looking over my shoulder for the next attack the whole time. I was worried about his next attack, and I had to make sure that he wouldn't hurt my girlfriend as well. And killing him at that moment would have frightened his gang, so no one would dare attack me again. Can you see? I made the right choice to protect myself and my girlfriend."

Li Qi's face was calm and eerily peaceful as he talked about his decision to kill. The therapist tensed up, swallowed his saliva, and asked,

"Have you been punished for this? What happened next?"

Li Qi laughed wildly,

"Why? Should I be punished for defending myself?"

He said that with a mocking smile.

"Didn't I say they were cowards who would be afraid of me? His gang didn't report anything, and my girlfriend didn't speak, and she assumed, as you mentioned, that I was unaware of what I was doing, so she stated that she understood I was defending myself and her, but she claimed to be terrified of me and abandoned me."

Li Qi's eyes darkened for a few seconds and then calmed down again as he continued his speech.

"The file for this incident was closed because the police assumed that when he entered the building "alone" to explore the building, he fell from the top of the stairs and died because of a haemorrhage."

Li Qi smiled in apparent happiness and pride. Fear appeared on the therapist's face for the first time, but he tried to compose himself and quickly hide it

But Li Qi noticed the therapist's fear and nodded his head, then stood and went to the therapist's desk, leaned his body on the desk, looked inside the therapist's eyes, and said in a challenging tone,

"Well, this was my first murder, but it was not my last."

The therapist's eyes brightened and widened, and he pushed his chair away from the desk with his back. Li Qi smiled and commented,

"You can't back down now, dear therapist. Now, you know my secret: I'm an assassin, and my current job is a hitman."

The therapist became so nervous that his hands began to shake. Li Qi noticed this and said,

"Remember that I warned you, "but you insisted" and told me that you wanted to help me. Well, now you must help me, because I will not leave you after you know my secret unless you help me solve my problems."

The challenge in Li Qi's voice and face froze the therapist in place. He remained silent in shock, as though witnessing death firsthand.

A heavy silence prevailed for several minutes, until Li Qi broke it by saying,

"Okay, I can see you're afraid now; you have every right to be like that, but I only kill in two cases: the first is that I'm getting paid for that, and the second is that I'm protecting myself from a threat. So if you follow professional ethics, keep my secret, and don't become a threat to me, no harm will come to you from me, and I believe you don't have any wealthy enemies who can pay my high price just to get rid of you, or do you, Doctor?"

Li Qi's eyes were smiling in amusement, so the therapist tried to control himself to speak with some logic and professionalism, but his voice was clearly shaky and tense.

"Mr. Li Chao, of course I abide by the ethics of my profession, the rules of professional conduct, and maintain patient confidentiality. However, it is my right as a therapist to refuse to pursue any case in which I believe I am unable to help or am personally affected by the patient. And indeed, as you noticed, your job raises my concerns and may affect my ability to help you, so perhaps it would be best to follow up with another therapist."

Li Qi interrupted him at this moment, saying,

"I won't tell anyone else my secret; I won't make them two; if you refuse to follow me, I have to get rid of you before I replace you with another."

Then he just stared at the therapist as if he were asking him what time it was. While the therapist gathered some strength from the adrenaline rushing through his body, he stood up in anger and shouted,

"You shouldn't threaten me, Mr. Li Chao. This is useless behaviour, and it won't get us to a constructive conclusion."

Li Qi smiled and returned to his chair, where he sat down. Then he said, in a calm voice,

"You're mistaken. I'm not threatening you. I'm just sharing my thoughts with you, as you asked me a while ago. This is my way of thinking and acting in such cases."

Then Li Qi relaxed in his chair seat, one leg on top of the other, and there was a long silence that the therapist broke this time after he pulled his chair back to his desk and sat on it. He touched the papers and things on the desk as if to make sure that this was reality and not a dream. Then he continued, 'Mr. Li Chao, you must understand that the truth about your work, which you've revealed, is highly distressing. It's difficult to expect anyone to accept it. And if you really want to continue to follow up with me, I myself must feel safe with you and not threatened. How can you ask someone to extend his hand to hold a scorpion and help him when he knows that a scorpion can sting him and kill him at any moment? It is impossible, isn't it?"

Li Qi spoke excitedly and interrupted the therapist.

"Don't worry, I'm a strong person, and I'm not a traitor; I'm not like a scorpion at all, and as long as you help me, I won't hurt you no matter what happens; even if someone tries to buy my services to kill you, I won't accept it, and maybe I will warn you to beware, and I will not accept anyone harming you while you are with me. You will be protected by me, not threatened by me."

The therapist sighed, then said in a slightly calmer voice,

"Okay, this is a little reassuring, despite the fact that you threatened to kill me just a few minutes earlier."

Li Qi interrupted him loudly.

"Hey! " I told you I was just sharing my thoughts, not threatening you; don't twist my words, ha!"

"Okay, Mr. Li Chao, let's finish our session now and continue later." The therapist said it resignedly.

But Li Qi quickly replied,

"But we haven't come to anything; what do I do with these disturbing nightmares?"

The therapist closed his eyes and pressed them, then opened them and said,

"As you can see, I am very nervous, and I cannot think properly. How do I advise you now while I'm mentally distracted? What I can say now is that maybe if you take out a pen and paper and write down your thoughts before you go to bed, this may help calm your mind a little bit, and try listening to some soothing music before bed that may help you relax while you sleep."

Li Qi looked suspicious, and the therapist commented,

"Try it; you won't lose anything."

Li Qi nodded and said,

"Well, but our next session should be soon; don't try to postpone it, delay it, or run away from it, understand!"

Li Qi's eyes were warning and alarming in a frightening manner. The therapist nodded without speaking. Li Qi nodded to him in return and went to the door, but before leaving, he looked at the therapist with a wide smile over his face and said "goodbye," then left.

After Li Qi left, the therapist slipped from his chair to the floor, leaned his arm on the chair, put his head on it, and shivered.

The disturbing dreams persisted, but Li Qi returned the camera to the window and reset it on Mandolin's window, then connected it to his laptop to record everything that happened in Mandolin's apartment so he could watch it later if he wasn't at home. He was convinced that depriving himself of the opportunity to watch and follow her had worsened his condition; therefore, he was determined not to deprive himself of the opportunity to see her from afar.

Li Qi returned to the therapist after two days, and the therapist met him at the time of the visit, but this time he wasn't welcoming him smiling but was clearly tense, which made Li Qi annoyed, but he disregarded the therapist's condition and began to speak.

"I'm glad you didn't try to avoid me and kept the appointment; by the way, I tried your last advice and listened to music while sleeping and wrote down what I was thinking before falling asleep, but it didn't work; I still have disturbing nightmares."

Li Qi, look at the therapist who is being reprimanded. The therapist's voice was tense, just like his features, when he said,

"Well, we said it was only an attempt, no more. Where are the papers you wrote? Did you bring them with you?"

Li Qi replied coldly,

"Why should I bring them? Of course, I burned them."

The therapist swallowed his saliva and spoke,

"Well, has?..." He sighed, then continued,

"Has there been a difference in the types of dreams over the last two days? I mean the subject or the people."

Li Qi bluntly replied again,

"There are no people in my dreams; only she is in them, and anyone else who appears is unknown to me."

Then he stood up and went to the therapist's desk and continued his words,

"I hope you stop being afraid of me like that, because that is very ridiculous and pathetic."

Anger appeared on the therapist's face, but he controlled himself and took hold of his notebook, looking at it, and did not notice when Li Qi approached his chair behind the desk and snatched the notebook out of his hand and moved two steps away, looking through the notebook. The therapist was so surprised that he did not move or react. Li Qi said,

"Is there any information about me over here? You shouldn't do that; this could fall into the wrong hands."

The therapist stood up and went to Li Qi and grabbed the notebook, saying angrily,

"You are not allowed to do that, and respect the boundaries between us, please; this is an encrypted notebook with my notes about all cases with no names or indications of people; no one but me can understand it; don't worry."

Li Qi returned to his chair indifferently and sat relaxed. The therapist did not understand him. He was waiting for an argument and maybe a fight, but Li Qi was calm and smiling as if nothing had happened. The therapist thought that Li Qi was enjoying playing with his nerves, so he tried to hold it together and act professionally.

"You told me earlier that the crying problem started when you were afraid that you might hurt your partner, and then you told me that she rejected you and kicked you out of her life for a reason other than escaping intimacy with her. Was this because she found out the truth about your work?"

Li Qi narrowed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then said,

"No, she knows what my job is from the beginning, or she should. You see, this is what bothers me so much. What was she thinking? How could she react like this after what happened between us in the first meeting? I mean, it was obvious what my job is and what I am capable of doing, so why this drama? And why did she kick me out like this? Why! "

His voice rose; he fisted the armrest of the chair; and as a result, the therapist [ahem] asked Li Qi for an explanation, which Li Qi clarified:

"She was the target to get rid of! But I didn't do it, and in order to protect her, I got rid of the client who paid me to get rid of her. Do not think that I turned against the one who trusted me and betrayed him; I did that because he refused to listen to me and left her alone. Although I protected her, she expelled me from her apartment and her life. She welcomed me, even though I was there to murder her. She even slept deeply next to me and told me that I was the one who felt the warmest with him in her life; no, she said my hug was the warmest hug she had ever felt in her life; yes, that's what she said, and yet when I returned to warn her that she needed to change her place of work and residence, and I told her I had gotten rid of her enemy, she kicked me out and didn't hear a word from me.

The therapist spontaneously said, "Wah!"

Li Qi commented,

"Strange, isn't it? I'm surprised."

The therapist spoke softly, like someone attracted to a confusing subject.

"This is really strange! I think that you are not the only one who needs treatment and psychological counselling; did you not think that maybe she, too, had a hard life? Do you know what her relationship is with that man who wanted to kill her?"

Li Qi thought for a while and then answered, "I don't know."

The therapist asked, not waiting for an answer,

"Maybe this man is a relative of hers, and he wants to kill her because of the money, but she doesn't want to kill him. So she got mad at you for doing that."

Li Qi stood up, stroked his forehead with his hand, and said,

"Oh, my God!" "Maybe your idea is really right; how did I not think of that before?"

He thought a little and then said,

"But when I asked the man why he wanted to kill her, the reason he gave was because she makes men love her, but she doesn't accept anyone, and that she is a witch and must die." I don't think he is a relative, maybe a husband. But why does he want to kill her when he can divorce her? and he paid a large amount of money; I don't think he lacks money."

The therapist commented,

"Not everyone who wants to kill for money actually lacks money; sometimes they kill for more."

Li Qi returned to his chair and got lost in his thoughts. The therapist seemed drawn to the subject and showed some interest in it. Li Qi said to himself: She said, "Get out of here. I don't want a killer in my house. I don't want to see you again."

He rubbed his forehead with his fingertips before continuing.

She said, "I thought it was your first time and you couldn't do it; I didn't think you were a murderer."

He raised his head, looking at the therapist, and said, "No, no, she thought I couldn't kill and got angry when she found out that I killed someone."

She never even asked me about the person who was attempting to kill her.

The therapist replied,

"Isn't this even more weird? Doesn't that mean she knows exactly who wants to kill her and why?"

He looked at Li Qi, waiting for his comment, but Li Qi was busy thinking, so the therapist said,

"What do you know about her? How long did your friendship last?"

Li Qi, in what looked like a shout, said,

"She's not my friend; why do you say that? I don't know anything about her other than what the man gave me—the data needed for execution—her name, address, and picture.

The therapist's enthusiasm declined.

"Well, in general, she is not the problem; it's you. Her history will not change anything about your situation; your problem stems from yourself and not from something external; you see in dreams another picture of what is actually happening, isn't it? You're afraid to hurt her, and you see yourself doing that in your dreams because you're attracted to her for some reason. Is she pretty and attractive? Or is there..."

Li Qi interrupted him quickly.

"Why are you asking about her beauty? I didn't notice it; I'm not superficial and naive to be attracted to a beautiful figure; you underestimate me so much."

As if the therapist were reevaluating Li Qi. The therapist's face showed signs of seriousness as he apologised.

"I apologise to you; you are right, that is a silly question and an inappropriate comment."

Li Qi nodded to him, and the therapist continued,

"What was the last dream that bothered you?"

Li Qi breathed deeply and exhaled, then said,

"I dreamed that I went to her apartment, and when she opened the door and saw me, she wanted to close the door and prevent me from entering, so I prevented her with my foot and entered. Then we argued together, and I said, "Give me a chance; listen to me," and she said, "I don't want to hear what you're saying." Then she tried to hit me with something from the table that was in front of her, so I grabbed her hand and took it after I twisted her arm, and then she fell to the ground and screamed at me, "This is what I expected of you. You are violent and criminal, and I don't want you in my life."

I also got angry and yelled at her. "I protected you, ungrateful," so she stood up and pushed my chest with her hands, saying, "Leave; leave my home immediately." I grabbed her by the neck with my hand and kissed her on the lips, and she rejected me with hatred. She said, "You are a criminal and violent; this is your truth; you are a criminal, a criminal." Then I woke up feeling like I was holding her neck and feeling her lips on mine.

The therapist sighed and commented,

"Okay."

Li Qi continued,

"I'm not violent. Oh, I don't impose myself on women; I never have and I never will."

The therapist thought for a moment, then said,

"Mr. Li Chao, your dreams are created by your subconscious mind. If you do it in a dream, maybe this is what your subconscious mind actually wants, but you prevent it."

Li Qi jumped up and paced back and forth, saying,

"That's what's driving me crazy; why do I think in my dreams like that? Why is my subconscious mind like this? While I am completely different, I hate what I see in these dreams, and I am afraid of other dreams."

The therapist asked spontaneously,

"What other dreams?"

Li Qi replied,

"The dreams, in which I try and fail to save her from other murderers, are terrifying; I don't want to see them even in my imagination."

With apparent curiosity, the therapist asked,

"Why don't you tell one of these dreams?"

Li Qi stopped walking and looked at the therapist deeply. The therapist thought he would refuse to speak, but Li Qi spoke spontaneously.

"I was present as she was being killed at her home, but I was bound to a chair by my arms and legs, with my mouth gagged, and I was unable to scream or free myself, and the murderer fixed his eyes on me while he killed her with a knife in the same manner that I usually use, then I wake up from the nightmare."

Li Qi went to the wall and punched it, repeating, "I can't protect her; I can't."

The therapist saw how agitated he was, so he calmly asked him Was this dream repeated? Was it repeated in the same or different ways? Do you see your face in the killer's face, or do you see someone else's face? Is he wearing a mask, or is his face uncovered?"

Li Qi stood before the therapist and began to respond.

"I never see myself in him. He is always another person I do not know, neither in a dream nor in reality, and he doesn't have the same features all the time. He is a different person every time. And yes, the same dream is repeated with some differences in details and side events that I don't usually remember when I wake up, but the bottom line is the same situation: she is killed in front of me, and I can't save her. I feel helpless and terrified. I can't be like this. If I knew this person in the dream, I would have gone to him and killed him to relieve my mind, but he is a person I don't know."

"Maybe this tells you that killing is not an effective method of self-protection," the therapist said cunningly.

Li Qi turned to the therapist, gave him a terrifying stare, and said,

"Are you criticising me, Doctor? Is it professional to criticise me?"

The therapist quickly replied,

"I am not criticising you; it is just an innocent remark that violence is not an effective solution to protect oneself or others, and not every threat can be ended by violence."

Li Qi replied angrily.

"Who are you to say that? What threats did you face? What are your experiences in life? Please don't judge things you haven't experienced, and don't provoke me into making you try them. Do you understand me?"

Li Qi's eyes flashed with terror, and the therapist felt threatened, swallowed hard, and quickly said,

"Well, I'm sorry; I didn't mean to bother you or judge you. Please accept my apologies."

Li Qi nodded to him, then went to the chair and sat down, then asked him,

"Now what is the solution? How do I get rid of these nightmares? How do I stop it?"

The therapist straightened up in his seat and said,

"Well, have you ever thought that you can change your dreams and your subconscious mind by changing your reality?"

Li Qi wondered and asked,

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, the reason for the nightmares is that she rejected you and kicked you out of her life, right? And she rejected you because you were a murderer. If you stopped killing, wouldn't there be a chance that she would accept you? Especially since she was comfortable with you at the beginning and feels very warm with you."

Li Qi smiled with obvious sarcasm and said,

"Oh well, how do I do that? Do you think if I went to her and told her I stopped killing, she would believe me? you! If I came to you on my next visit and told you that I quit this profession, would you believe me and stop being afraid of me? Can a murderer be trusted or believed? I myself do not trust myself, and if I see another murderer, I will not believe his words."

The therapist lowered his gaze and bowed his head, remaining silent for a few seconds, then said,

"But if you bring proof that you have retired, I will believe you, and perhaps she will believe you too."

In a sarcastic voice, Li Qi said,

"And what is the evidence?

The therapist discarded the sarcasm in Li Qi's voice and said,

"The evidence is to do any legal job; what is your degree and education, Mr. Li Chao?"

"My degrees?"

Li Qi laughed loudly and sarcastically.

"I never entered a university. Have you seen anyone from an orphanage at your university? Only someone who is adopted by a family can complete his university education, and I was not adopted by anyone, as you can see.

The therapist asked:

"Did that bother you?"

Li Qi narrowed his eyes and asked back,

"What do you mean?"

The therapist replied, "No one adopted you; did that bother you?"

Li Qi answered,

"What is this question? And what does it have to do with what we are talking about now?"

"Oh, nothing. It's just a question because you mentioned it. I was curious about your feelings."

And the therapist took a peek at Li Qi while pretending to write something on a piece of paper in front of him. Li Qi's distress increased and appeared on his face.

"Maybe we should finish our session now, and I hope that you focus on the problem that I came to you to solve and do not ask meaningless and useless questions."

Li Qi stood and pointed to the shelves of books behind the therapist and said,

"Maybe you should review these books and look for a solution to end my problem with the nightmares. And then I'll stop coming here, and you'll also be done with me, right?"

Then he shook his head sarcastically and left the room.

The therapist scratched his head and wrote in his notebook (PTSD: post-traumatic stress disorder).

Then he actually went to the shelves, took a book, reviewed the index, opened a section, and started reading and taking some notes.