chapter 7 ( At the therapist's room)

Li Qi finally started to speak:

"I came here today because... "I'm seeking your help to get rid of a recent problem that is bothering me deeply."

He hesitated again, but the therapist encouraged him.

"Well, what's been bothering you?"

Li Qi took a deep breath before elaborating, "Well, lately, I've been crying uncontrollably, and I can't seem to rein it in. It's entirely new to me; I don't recall ever crying before, not even as a child. I don't remember crying; maybe I did; of course, all children do. But I don't remember a specific incident that made me cry the way it is happening to me now. I want you to help me control myself again so that I can stop crying.

The therapist replied,

"First of all, crying is a healthy sign, and there is nothing wrong with it; it is not a sign of weakness or illness."

Li Qi whimpered and tightened his hands to exert pressure on the chair armrest. The therapist continued, noticing Li Qi's tightness.

"But if it's become overwhelming and unmanageable, it may be a symptom of another problem; we must uncover its root cause in order to help you control the crying. We must try together and find out what motivates it. Why don't you start with the first time you cried? Can you recall the first time you cried? What triggered it? What was your emotional state like then?"

There was a moment of silence as Li Qi looked down, gathering his thoughts.

"I sobbed…" "It was... it happened recently when... when..."

Li Qi trailed off, prompting the therapist to intervene:

"Mr. Li Chao, don't feel pressured to choose your words carefully; I am not here to judge you or criticise you; I am here, as you said, in order to help you; I do not have any opinion or judgement on your personality or your life, so do not pick out your words and do not think about me while you are talking; just focus on your feelings and yourself in order to get to what is causing the problem for you."

The therapist made a hand gesture that encouraged Li Qi to continue his speech.

Encouraged by the therapist's reassurance, Li Qi continued,

"I have..." I cried after I was going to have sex with a woman, but I thought I might harm her, so I didn't continue and left."

Then Li Qi raised his voice and emphasised his words.

"I don't want to hurt her; I don't want to hurt her at all."

Then he paused and looked into the therapist's eyes. The therapist asked:

"How?"

An exclamation appeared on Li Qi's face, so the therapist explained his question:

"How do you hurt her? Why do you think you will hurt her?"

"Well, I tend to be violent during sex, and no normal woman can stand me," said Li Qi.

"Do you derive pleasure from causing pain? Are you a sadist?" The therapist queried.

Li Qi shook his head vehemently.

"No, absolutely not. I've never enjoyed inflicting pain. I told you I don't like hurting my partner; I only choke on my partner during sex when I get excited. I never intend to harm my partner."

Li Qi looked at the therapist with anticipation. The therapist offered reassurance.

"Engaging in consensual acts like strangulation is not uncommon. However, it must be practiced responsibly and with mutual consent. It's not something new or abnormal as long as it's under the mind's control and within the recipient's tolerance."

Li Qi looked at the ground and lowered his voice.

"I'm not in control of it; I don't even feel like I'm doing it when I do it; I just start doing it automatically, and the more aroused I become, the tighter my grip on my partner's neck increases without my awareness of it."

He paused, then raised his eyes and looked at the therapist. He noticed no difference in his facial expressions.

The therapist asked him,

"So what happened in detail during your encounter with your partner? And when did the tears start? Please try to recall exactly how you felt."

Li Qi answered,

"What happened is what I told you; I thought I might hurt her and she wouldn't be able to stand it, so I let go of her and quickly left her home, and I felt many things that I don't know how to describe to you; that's when the tears came, and I don't know why."

The therapist sighed, showing feelings for the first time, and then asked him,

"Let's analyze the situation together. You mentioned that you're usually not conscious of your actions when you start to choke your partner during sex. What made you aware of it this time?"

Li Qi wondered how he didn't notice that before the therapist's question, then he answered,

"I don't know! All I remember is that she touched my hand and told me, I don't need to hold her by the neck like that, so I realised that my habit was controlling me, so I stopped, released the grip on her neck, and left quickly."

The therapist asked him in amazement,

But why did you leave her? Why didn't you try to continue without strangling her? Did her action turn off your excitement?"

Li Qi repeated the question to himself, "Lost my excitement?"

He thought for a while, then said,

"No, it didn't quell my excitement, but I was afraid for her safety, so I didn't risk it. What if I couldn't control my habit and hurt her? No, I don't want to hurt her."

The therapist nodded, then asked,

"Well, how did you feel when you cried?"

Li Qi replied, "I don't know."

The therapist commented,

"Well, let's break things up a bit. Your concern for her safety led you to halt your actions, indicating a deeper regard for her well-being. Were you willing to sacrifice your desire and leave despite your excitement just to keep her safe?"

Li Qi nodded, so the therapist continued,

"Do you love her?"

Li Qi repeated the question to himself, "Do I love her?"

Confusion appeared on the therapist's face, so he asked him:

"What is your relationship with this woman? Whose initiative led to intimacy?

Li Qi was annoyed and sighed with distress in his voice. "What does that have to do with the crying?"

"Well, Mr. Li Chao, you can't define your feelings when you cry, and we both agreed we'd analyse the situation together, right? You found out that you were worried about her and that you sacrificed your desires for her own safety, right? But you can't say you love her, so we are trying to understand the nature of your feelings towards her by getting to know the shape and depth of your relationship, so that you yourself can know your feelings towards her.

Li Qi interrupted impatiently,

"But what do my feelings towards her have to do with my crying?"

"Mr. Li Chao, I understand your frustration and confusion about the connection between your feelings towards this partner and your experience of crying. It might seem unrelated at first, but oftentimes, our emotions are deeply intertwined with our behaviors and experiences. Your desire to stop crying is valid, and the way to stop something is to know its cause and confront the problem at its roots. In order to achieve that, we need to understand the dynamics of your relationship. By exploring your feelings towards her, we can gain insight into why certain behaviours or emotions manifest in your interactions. However, you've mentioned not knowing your feelings and never crying before, which is unusual. Have you never encountered situations that brought you to tears previously? Why did this issue begin with this specific partner? Why do you cry with her when you haven't with previous girlfriends? Is she your first partner? Additionally, we must address why you exhibit violent behaviour and suffocate during sex despite not enjoying it. These behaviours likely stem from past experiences and emotions. Our goal here is not to dwell on the past but rather to understand how your current experiences are shaped by your past and your emotions. We must first understand the simplest things about the present, and then we will search and go back together to the past, but you cannot recognise your current feelings, the thing that does not require you to remember, and this is supposed to be the simplest thing to know: what your feelings are today. So, let's take a step back and explore the aspects of your life, your relationship with this partner, and any past experiences that may be influencing your emotions and behaviours. This process will help us gain clarity and insight into your current situation, paving the way for meaningful growth and healing. Does this approach make sense to you?"

The therapist paused for a moment, waiting for Li Qi's answer, and when he did not get any, he continued.

 "You mentioned that everything appears to be related to this partner. Isn't it obvious that you must first determine your feelings about her? Perhaps even gaining an understanding of what you feel most strongly about her. If it's challenging to discern that, shouldn't we begin by examining the events and then defining the feelings? How did you meet her, and what led to the point where your problem began?"

Li Qi rubbed his face with his hands, then put his hands under his chin and rested his head on them.

"Well, I would like to tell you, first of all, that our relationship is different from any other relationship in the world. We have something strong and deep, but I cannot tell you about it. As for the idea of intimacy, I believe it is her, because she is the one who began to get close to me, but I'm not sure if she wanted me or if I got too excited and she just accepted me."

The therapist inquired,

"Can you tell me what your justification was for her when you suddenly stopped and moved away from her? It's your word that you left her suddenly, right? How did you apologise to her, and how did you justify it?"

Li Qi replied,

"I didn't apologise, and I didn't justify anything; I just left."

The therapist said,

"And when you met later, did you meet after this incident?"

Li Qi replied,

"Yes, we did meet, but we talked about more important things, and we didn't discuss it."

The therapist asked:

"What are the more important things?"

Li Qi rudely replied,

"It's none of your business."

The therapist said,

"Maybe we'd better stop now; we will continue on the next visit."

Li Qi said quickly,

"But you didn't tell me how to stop crying. I did not accomplish anything here."

The therapist replied,

"Do you think that in one session you will find the cause and the solution to your problem? Isn't that overly optimistic? You cannot define your feelings or transcend the barriers between us to open your heart and mind to me and share any events or thoughts with me. Perhaps on the next visit you can speak up; you don't have to push yourself too hard to talk; let's take it slowly."

Li Qi fidgeted, but the therapist continued,

"Mr. Li Chao What has been built up over time needs time to disintegrate so that it does not damage everything around it. Do not pressure yourself, and if you feel the urge to cry, cry. Do not restrain yourself; express your feelings, but try to identify them. Ask yourself, What do I feel now? What is this feeling? Write it down on a piece of paper so you can remember it in order to analyse yourself. I'm only here to help you, but you had everything in your hands. I'm just helping you through your journey to arrive safely.

Li Qi just stood up and left without a word, and right after he exited, the therapist went to the library behind him on the wall and took a large encyclopaedic book, searched through the index, and then opened a page, read, and took notes on his notebook on the desk in front of him; he wrote,

Mental distress: why is he afraid of hurting this woman and not the others? Why is he violent and not sadistic? Is she his first girlfriend? What type of sexual partners did he have before? Did he hurt anyone before during sex? Why didn't he cry before?

After he finished, he returned the book and notified the assistant that he was ready to see the next case.

When Li Qi walked out of the therapy room, he was filled with rage, and his furious thoughts led him to one decision: that he would never return to this therapist again and that the idea of therapy and psychoanalysis was a ridiculous, stupid, and useless idea.

And when he returned home, he said out loud, "Next visit!" " Ha!" "There will be no next visit unless you are the target of my next mission, stupid!"