In the mind of Mariam

My name is Mariam Sana and I'm a 2nd high school girl. Many people called me beautiful and confessed their love to me, but I have eyes for only one person. Unexpectedly, I managed to become their girlfriend. And yet, I ended up ruining all of it.

It all started during a summer vacation. I was 12 at that time.

That day, I was bored at home. My parents were working, and I was alone. I decided to go out to have some fun. I met some other kids in a park and played with them. That's when I met him for the first time. The first thing I noticed about him was how clean he was. We were playing in a sandbox, yet he wasn't dirty. Others, even I, were totally covered in sand and dirt.

Wanting to know how it was possible, I kept an eye on him. He was kind of odd. The reason he wasn't dirty was because he wasn't playing that much. He was rather helping another guy play. He was giving that kid all his stuff and instructing him on how to build the sandcastle. He only intervened when needed. 

I couldn't understand. You're a kid too, don't you want to play? You are supposed to be fighting over the tools and competing to build the best castle. Yet, he was doing the opposite.

His following actions did not help his case. On the swing, he was pushing his friend; he was the one making the spinner spin; he never got on the slide. No matter the game, he never actually played. He only let his friend go.

This intrigued me and I went to the park the next day hoping to meet him again. Fortunately, they showed up and I befriended them. I learnt that his name was Denis; his friend was Paul. I wanted to understand him. Did their parents forced him to let the other one play, or is he simply strange? Unfortunately, I've never gotten the answer to that question. When I started playing with them, Denis did the same thing with me. He let me play. It was so great to have someone behind you, making the toys work for you that I ended forgetting my initial goal. Instead, I became friend with him and played with them for the whole summer.

When school started, I was a first year in junior high. The town was small and there were only one junior high school around. So, I knew I would be able to see Denis again. What I didn't expect was that we would be in the same class. I thanked the stars for this.

I knew Denis was a kind boy who let others play in his stead. What I didn't know was that Denis was a perfect human being who is smart and athletic. He was always the top of the class and was getting full marks, no matter the test. He was so good, that the teachers often have him assist them during lectures.

Slowly but surely, I was falling in love with him. I was always following him with my eyes. During breaks, I always went to his seat to chat. At lunch, I was always eating with them. On days off, I always visited his house. I was so glued to him that people were wondering if we were dating. I for sure, wanted to date him, but I was scared. What if he doesn't like me? What if I'm just a friend to him? Denis is kind after all. Maybe I misinterpreted his kindness for love? Or maybe he is just not interested in me? A guy like him is way out of my league. The best I could hope is to be his friend. I can compromise with that. Yep, just being his friend and staying at his side.

I locked down my feelings and stay by his side, as a friend. 

However, one day, when we were in 3rd year of junior high school, I heard him talking about going to another city for school. Did he plan to attend high school far away? I asked Paul, and he confirmed having talk about it with Denis. This was too much. I could bear not being his lover, but I couldn't bear not being his friend. I didn't want to be separated from him.

That day I ran to him and confessed my feelings. If our friendship is going to be destroyed, might as well spill everything out. I screamed everything weighting on my heart, everything I had locked away. As if to add to the drama, it was raining that day.

Contrary to my expectation, Denis accepted my feelings. He hugged me and whispered my ear:

-    ''I love you too!''

I was so happy that I kissed him. 

Anyone passing by would think we were filming a movie. Young people confessing, hugging, and kissing in the rain. This was too good to be true.

The following day, I went to school thinking it was all a dream. But all my worries were washed away when I meet Denis and his awesome smile that morning.

Our classmates were surprised. A lot of girls were sad. Denis was a perfect human being and of course a lot of girls were eyeing him up. And a lot of boys were also sad, because apparently, I was considered pretty, and they wanted to confess to me. I've never noticed, and I didn't care as Denis was the only one in my mind. And I was the only one in his mind too. Denis told me that he loved me for some time and was planning on confessing on graduation day. Also, he was going to another town but for university, not high school. 

From then, our lovey-dovey days began. They weren't that much different from before except that we had different mindset when we were together. Also, Denis was taking me to date in some fancy restaurants at least once a month. He had a part time job and was using this money to please me.

We also became closer, and I've learnt that Denis was shy when it comes to being intimate with girls. He was embarrassed whenever I kissed him, which was kind of cute. It was different from the usual strong and confident Denis that everyone depends on. Wanting to see more of that cute side, I began teasing him.

At first, it was just simple tease like holding his hands. But it escalated to me, pressing my chest on him, or rubbing my thighs on him. In the end it got to the point where I was flashing my underwear or even my naked chest to him. 

Still, we didn't have any sexual activity. First because we were too young, only 16 at that time. I wanted to at least wait till 18. And second because I heard that guys are only interested in sex. If you gave it to them, they would leave you afterward. I knew Denis wasn't like that, still I was scared. He is a boy after all. Maybe his interest in me will decrease. Not wanting to take any chance, I abstained.

Except for the sex part, our love life was amazing. Denis was taking so much care of me, I felt like a princess. And more importantly, he was kind. No matter what happened, he's never gotten angry. One time, I was late for a date because I missed the bus. Instead of being mad, he took the initiative to book a cab to take me from that point. Another time he cancelled his plan to spend time with me because I was feeling lonely. Strangely, another time, I didn't want to cancel my plans, so it was our date that got cancel. It was mean of me, yet he was ok with it.

But things got to a turning point when I received a love letter for the first time. The one behind it was in our school and knew about Denis, yet he still dares to write me. I was angry, but Denis was calm. He said he can understand that person as I was really beautiful. This made me even angrier, and I asked what he would do if I hooked up with that guy. Denis smiled and replied:

-    ''I wouldn't like that!''

I don't know if it was his smile, or the fact that he has always been a good boy, but I misunderstood it as if he wouldn't mind. Or more like, even if I did hook up with somebody else, Denis would still stay by my side. After all, he said he loved me but was intimidated by my beauty. He also tried his best to please me. I used to think that I was the one deeply in love with him and couldn't live without him. But maybe it was the opposite? Maybe he is the one who couldn't live without me? He is so scared to lose me that he never got angry or even disagreed with me? He is so dependent on me, that even if I cheated on him, he would stay by my side?

Well, I don't intend of cheating on him anyway. No other guy could even compete. You will need to be a god to be better than Denis. So, I met with the love letter guy and rejected him. And then, I continue my lovely days with Denis, as if nothing happened.

However, I underestimate his cuteness. I was teasing him, yet I was the one getting horny. His reactions were too much and all I wanted was to jump on him and eat him whole. But I couldn't. I shouldn't give him my body yet. I knew the rumours about men were stupid, but I was scared. Still, I needed a relieve and masturbation wasn't cutting it anymore.

That's when I have the stupidest idea ever. I thought that if having sex with a guy will make him leave, I just need to have sex with a guy I don't like. This way, even if he leaves afterward, it wouldn't bother me. It's not cheating because I don't love the guy. It's just practice and sexual relieve. Like I said, a stupid idea.

And then, I went hunting. Despite saying that it wasn't cheating, I knew in my heart that what I was doing was bad. So, I search for guys far away from where Denis lives. And no funny business, we met at a hotel, did our thing and left as soon as we were done. And I wasn't meeting the same guy twice to make sure they will forget about me.

Just like that my virginity was gone. I lost it to a guy I didn't know. I don't even remember his face. I was sad as I planned to give it to Denis, but at the least, it calmed me down. For a few days. Sex was much more amazing than expected, leaving me wanting more.I got pent up really fast and ended up searching for another guy. 

I experienced many things with different guys, short, tall, fat, skinny. Some were really good while others were mediocre. After meeting with a dozen guys, I met Paul on a dating app. I thought my life was over as he would surely tell Denis, instead, he proposed to help me. At that time, my thoughts were:

-    ''What a pathetic man!!''

He just wanted to have sex with a beautiful girl. And he was on a dating app. That is why boys like him are single while all the girls are chasing men like Denis.

Anyways, I was in need of relieve, so be it. Doing it with him was safer than meeting random strangers. Plus, there were less risks that Denis discovers us. Just like that, we became sex-friends.

For a few months, Paul was taking care of my sexual needs. At first, he was bad, but he learnt to please me, and sex became great. Still, I had no feeling for him. 

However, one day, Denis found out about us. We had forgotten to close the curtain and he apparently watch the whole thing. At first, I was scared. How will he react? Will he leave me? But then, I remembered how crazy he was about me. Even in this situation, he was calm. Anybody else would already be throwing fists. This convinced me that I could get away with it, so I tried to make it sound like it was no big deal. Yet he remained silent. Well, even if he is crazy about me, I guessed he would be mad to found out that I was sleeping with somebody else. With no choice, I tried calming him by giving him something he would surely love.

-    ''Come on! You know what, if tomorrow date is cool, I'll also let you have me!''

Aren't you happy? You will finally get to sleep with me, your beautiful girlfriend. It a shame you get to do it so soon, but well, I had enough practice with Paul. I can surely satisfy you. 

However, his next words were something I didn't expect.

-    ''I've already cancelled tomorrow reservation!''

-    ''Huh?''

-    ''Also, I'm here to break up with you!''

What? He is breaking up with me? I am Mariam Sana, the most beautiful girl in the whole school. A lot of boys dream to even talk to me. And yet, he dared break up with me? No, this is a joke? 

-    WHAT? … What do you mean?

-    Well, it's normal reaction when you found out your partner has been cheating!

He is stuck on that? But it's not cheating since I had no feeling for Paul. I was just using him for sexual relieve.

-    That's not cheating! I … I was just getting … experience!

-    …

-    Yeah, I'm just training!

-    Ok! But I'm still breaking up with you!

This is a nightmare? He is really leaving? No, I can't let it go. I tried threatening him, but it didn't work. Denis just left me there.

I was mad but more than anything, I was surprised how he resisted me. He should be begging me. Where did he get the confidence to stand up to me? He has never done it! Is he so mad that I slept with someone else, that he forgot his love for me?

Well, whatever the reason, he made a mistake. He forgot his place and stood up to me. So, I'll make him regret. I'll make him crawl back at me!

That night, in my room, I sent a message to a person I never thought I'll write. Even though I had her number, I have never used it. And that's because we were enemies. Sonia was also in love with Denis and despite us being together, she kept flirting with him, even in front of me. So why was I contacting her? She would be the first person to rejoice over our breakup. That's what made her perfect for the job. There is nothing more evil than a girl who is disillusioned in a guy she loved.

The following day, we met in a small café. I told a made-up story about how abusive Denis was. Of course, she didn't believe it at first. I pointed out how perfect he was, stating that everyone has some kind of fault. If we can see it, that only means that he is a psycho who is hiding his true nature. The more I was talking, the more convinced she became. In the end, she was hating Denis more that I did. Well, I didn't actually hate him. I just wanted to ruin his life and make him come back to me. When everyone will be hating him, I would be the only one accepting him. This time, I'll really make him dependant on me. And I'll give him all the sex he wants since I wouldn't need to worry about him leaving after sleeping with me.

The following Monday, as excepted, everyone was hating him. Sonia did a good job spreading the story. It was just a matter of time before he begs to come back.

Contrary to my expectation, Denis did not come back. And the situation got out of hands with the teachers and the principal getting involved. Fortunately, he didn't seem interested on investigating. Yet, I had to do something. If the story gets too big, I wouldn't be able to control Denis.

Before I could do anything however, Denis tricked us into confessing and recorded the whole thing. We had no choice than to beat him and destroyed the evidence. However, this was the real trick. He had a backup and got the recording of our confession and beating to the police. Not to the teacher but the police. He didn't simply want to prove we were lying, he wanted to destroy our life. He also recorded the meeting with the principal, and it got air on TV. Wanting to avoid any responsibility, the principal tried to put the blame on us. He made us apologize in front of the whole school and invited reported to this. But this did not save him as he had to resigned later.

Our situation wasn't any better. We wanted to transfer to another school, but all our demands were refused. Our parents lost their jobs, and we were harassed by the neighbours. At school, we were isolated.

I was mad of course. I used to love Denis, but after what he has done, all I was feeling was hatred. I wanted to get revenge, but if something happened to him now, we will be the first suspects. So, I acted as if I was regretful and kept apologizing to him every day.

Paul, however, didn't understood that and try to get revenge immediately. From what I understood, he hired some goons to rape and beat Denis while live streaming. That guy is really an idiot.

I was in my room at that time. I received an invitation to the stream. I accepted it because it had Denis's name on it.

Things did not go as planned for Paul and his goons. Denis freed himself and fought back. I couldn't believe my eyes. It hasn't been a month since we hurt him. His arm was even supposed to be broken. Yet, it took 5 people on as if they were nothing. Sure, I knew he was athletic, but I didn't expect him to fight so well since Paul beat him. And more importantly, I wasn't expecting him to be so violent. The Denis I knew was a kind man who would never hurt anyone. Yet he didn't even hesitate. He beat them without holding back.

When I later learnt that 2 of the 5 thugs were killed, and that Paul got all 4 members broken and his penis cut off, I was even more scared. I used to think that Denis was just a ''good boy'', a harmless person I could manipulate as I wanted. Turned out he just avoids troubles because he wanted, not that he was scared. If it had been me, would has he cut off my breasts? That thought haunted me that night.

2 days later, Denis came back to school. When I saw him, I ran to him.

-    DENIS, I'M SORRY!!

-    …

Look like he thought it was just the insincere apologies I used to spout recently. But it was not. I was genuine and I needed to make him understand. So, I confessed everything.

I told him how stupid I was, how I never made an effort to understand him, how I deliberately misunderstood his words, how I knew I was cheating on him yet hid behind my false reasoning, and more importantly, how I was thinking of revenge, but gave up the idea. 

Hearing me talk so loudly made some students gather around us. Among them were Sonia. But I paid them no mind. I just kept explaining everything. I needed him to forgive me.

Denis just stood there, listening to me without saying a word. When I was done, he stared at me for a least 30 seconds. I was feeling anxious. I couldn't bear the silence. I would prefer if he was screaming at me. He could even hit me. I wouldn't mind. I just wanted him to forgive me!

Unexpectedly, it started raining. This remind me of the day I confessed to him. The 2 of us standing in the rain, not caring about getting wet. This reassured me a little. Maybe the heavens want to help me.

After what felt like an eternity, Denis finally opened his mouth. 

-    So, you're not sorry for what you did! You're just scared of my retaliation!!

I was speechless. Even after everything I said, he was not moved. Even Sonia had a somewhat pitying look on her face. But not him. He was staring coldly at me. I couldn't even see the old gentle Denis I knew. 

-    I …

Why did I think I could manipulate him? 

This guy … 

He is right. I'm scared. I don't want to end up like Paul. 

-    I'm sorry!

I ended up apologizing once more. I didn't know what to do.

Please Denis, just this time, forgive me! I don't want to die.

Denis took a step, and I froze on the spot. I thought he would attack me. I thought I was ok with him hitting me, but I was not. I was petrified.

However, Denis just walked around me and headed to class. 

He added something on the way.

-    Don't worry! I won't do anything if you don't!

He won't do anything? Even after everything that happened, he will let me off the hook? Could it be that simple? I turned to watch his back leaving. He was really leaving. He didn't hurt me. Could it be he forgave me that easily?

Yes, Denis is kind after all. He just reacts to malice. I was glad he still had that in him.

Still, I was feeling sad. Watching Denis leaves like that was painful. I understood that I was still in love with him, but I was no longer his girlfriend. I destroyed that. For the first time, since I started cheating on him, I regretted my actions.

Only Sonia, who didn't run away when the rain started, and I were still standing there.

-    Good job Mariam! I hope you're happy!!

-    This … this is not what I wanted!

-    No shit!

-    I … I just wanted to be with him!

-    And you slept with his best friend!

-    …

-    Why did you do it?

-    …

-    At least, be glad! No other girl in this school will have a chance with him again!

And with that, Sonia also left. I was standing in front of the school, wet and all alone!