The Decision

I watch Mama Hector and the other executives of the series I'm in. I have a formal meeting with them. Nauna ko nang sinabihan si Mama Hector kanina and I didn't like what he reacted. He remained silent, just like what he's doing now, that's why I didn't like it. Mas nakakatakot kapag naging tahimik si Mama Hector.

"What did you just say, Sandi?"

"You want to end your contract here? Oh no- scratch that… you want to end your career here in Hollywood. The Hollywood, Sandi?" The woman, middle-aged, looks at me through her glasses. Eyeing me intently.

"You still have an upcoming series, movies with Marvel, Disney, and Warner Bros. Your projects are still lining up, Sandi. You can't just leave like that."

I feel like I'm in a thesis defense panel. I am the presenter and they are the panel. Ginigisa nila akong lahat at heto ako sa gitna, nakatayo habang naghihintay kung sino ang magsasalita sa kanila. Hindi sila pumapayag sa gusto kong mangyari. They care about my upcoming and current projects. I care about it, too, but I must take care my feelings for him. I know I have the lifetime but it feels like I need to do it now or it's gonna be never for the rest of my life.

I glance at Mama Hector, he remain silent. Nagawa niya pa nga'ng mag-enjoy sa cup of coffee niya, with crossed legs and comfortable sitting arrangement. While everybody in this conference room feels like on fire. Hot na hot malaman ang rason kung bakit biglang ayaw ko na sa ganitong spotlight.

They even assured me that my latest issue will be covered-up. Easy peasy lang daw sa kanila. But I don't care about the issue anymore. I said sorry to Mikan. And when I will go back to the Philippines, I'll formally ask sorry to him, for what happened. Nailatag ko na ang plano ko noong isang gabi habang nagkukulong ako sa kuwarto ko. And I am determine to do it. Whatever it takes.

Marami na rin naman akong natutunan sa anim na taon ko sa industriyang ito. I learned how to be contented with what you have. This international stage is too much for me. Maging isang magaling na artista sa Pilipinas lang naman ang talagang pangarap ko. I never dreamed of this international spotlight but I am lucky enough God gave me this. And I am forever thankful for that.

Pero bukod sa may kailangan akong habulin sa Pilipinas, nararamdaman ko sa sarili kong hindi para sa akin ang spotlight na ito. Hindi habang-buhay sa ganitong industriya iikot ang mundo ko.

Naghihintay akong magtama ang tingin namin ni Mama Hector para makahingi ako ng tulong sa paggigisang ginagawa nila. Pero ni pasada ng tingin ay hindi man lang niya ibinigay sa akin.

"I know it's hard for me to let go the industry that helped me for where I am today. But there are certain things I need to risk and this time, I need to risk my career… for the love of my life."

"The love of your life- what the hell, Sandreanna? What are you thinking?"

And now he's reacting. I smile at the back of my head as I watch him overlamenting to what I just said. Sa lahat ng relationships ko for the past six years, hindi siya agree sa lahat ng iyon. He always laments about it but I just shrugged it off. Kaya sa tingin ko, big deal sa kaniya 'yong narinig niya sa akin.

Mama Hector stands abruptly. Pati 'yong assistant niya, lumapit na sa kaniya para pakalmahin siya. Pinapaypayan at inabutan ng tubig. But he decline everything at nakapamaywang na humarap sa akin. He then advance to me.

"Love of your life! Who are you in a relationship right now? Mind telling me?"

Napatingin ako sa ibang taong nandito bago bumalik ang tingin sa kaniya. He still has this shock on his eyes.

"None!"

"Then what the hell is love of your life?"

I sigh, a heavy one, and pinch Mama Hector's broad shoulder. I wink at him and faced front, facing the other executives.

"I am leaving this industry for good. I am going back to where it all started. I'mma start life in my own hometown, the Philippines, again. I am forever grateful for everything that this industry helped me. For your help, as well. I ain't gonna ditch my Stranger's Love, but I will definitely not leave just like that. I am going to settle once and for all everything before I leave for good. Thank you, everyone."

Everyone left dumbfounded as I go out of that conference room. Mama Hector and my entourage tailed after me as I gracefully walk out. I answered like I'm being interviewed by the media, right? Parang talk shit, Sandreanna.

I put on my butterfly shades and smile to everyone. I am so full of myself, I think I made the right decision.

After that day, I talked sincerely with Mama Hector. I told him everything I didn't tell in front of the executives. I know na maiintindihan niya ako kaya personal ko siyang kinausap. I gave him time to internalize what I just said. And it's been three hours since we started our talk.

He puff on his cigarette and look outside the window, his other hand's on his waist. Few meters from him, I also puff with my own cigarette.

Alcohols and nicotines are inevitable in this field. It calms me. Sorry.

I heard Mama Hector heavily sigh after puffing the smoke. I look at him and study his reaction.

He has this apologetic smile when he catches me looking at him. He puff one more time on his cigarette before throwing it to the ashtray at the coffee table near the window. I finish mine too.

I cleared my throat and waited for Mama Hector to talk. He sighed and there's his apologetic smile again.

"Are you really sure about this one, Sandi? Babalik ka ng Pilipinas para sa kaniya?"

I shrug my shoulder. "I gotta do what I ought to do, Ma. Susubukan kong itama ang maling ginawa ko. I have ninety-nine percent chance of getting him back but I am relying to the one percent that's left with it. Even if it's small, Mama, but I'm taking the risk."

Mama Hector caress my right cheek and pinch it a little.

"Ang corny ng sinabi mo. Oo na, mahal mo na siya! Dami mong arte."

Ngumiti ako sa sinabi ni Mama Hector at agad niyakap siya.

"I'm gonna needing a new manager. I'm going to leave you here behind. I know this is for you Mama, so I am ready to leave you here. Pero sinigurado kong bago kita iiwan dito, settled na lahat para sa 'yo."

I felt the hug even tighter. This is the one I really need in my life right now.

I've got one month to shoot for Stranger's Love. That's one episode. And after that, my character, which is one of the protagonist of the series, will be dead after that episode and won't be renewing for the next season. And that will really shock the fans because I keep my retirement in Hollywood as silent as it can be.

But I have few paramdam about leaving the industry. I declined my upcoming projects, especially the movies and series. It alarmed the media, questioned them why it happened. But everytime they got some chance to corner me for an interview, I kept my mouth shout. Saka na ako magsasalita kapag natanggap ko na ang one-way plane ticket ko papuntang Pilipinas.

After a month, I've got the plane ticket. My things are ready as usual. Today's the last day of my taping. I've prepared something on the set para man lang pa-despedida ko sa mga kasamahan ko. After all, this series was the reason why Sandi PH was known by the whole world by its talent. I also scheduled a media conference later tonight to formally state to everybody that I am leaving and to bid goodbye. Bukas makalawa, nasa Pilipinas na ako. At walang nakakaalam nito maliban kay Mama Hector and other constituents. I kept this a secret. Mahigit dalawang buwang sekreto.

Na-touch ako sa ginawa ng mga kasamahan ko sa set. They paid a tribute to me as the last scene of my appearance rolled and pronounced by our dear director a good take. I cried as I hugged them one by one. I'm gonna miss these bunch of assholes who made my stay in the overseas a worth to keep.

It was so dramatic at muntik pa akong mahuli sa media briefing ko. Galing pa sa taping, dumiretso agad ako sa hotel kung saan ang venue ng media briefing. I remove my shades and diretsong umupo sa espasyo sa gitna na para sa akin.

Flashing cameras, babbling reporters, a bunch of mics in front of me, I still manage to smile to everyone.

"Good evening, everyone! Medias from the different networks, magazines, tabloids, and others. I am Sandi Hinolan and I am here to formally say that I am leaving this industry for good. Gotta go back to where it all started. All the rumors about me leaving MCU, Disney, and Warner Bros., were all true. My upcoming projects with them will be replaced by someone better and deserving. All of this is because of a more important and personal reason, and I would like to ask for your cooperation to not know about the reason. One thing that I can assure you of is my contract to my sworn endoresements. It will remain intact. Good night, everyone, and have a good one."

Ibinalik ko sa mata ko ang shades na tinanggal ko kanina para magkaroon ako ng shield sa nakakasilaw na ilaw ng mga flash. Tumayo ako at agad naglakad palabas ng venue, escorted by the trusted guards until I reached my car.

I sighed when everything resorted to calmness.

Hinawakan ni Mama Hector ang kamay ko't pinisil ito ng marahan. Napatingin ako sa kaniya at ngumiti, he also smile back.

"Are you really sure with this, Sandi?"

I clasp his hand and pinisil na rin ito. "More than sure, Mama."

"Did you tell your family you're going home?"

Binitiwan ko ang kamay niya, umiling, at umiwas ng tingin. "I want to come home peacefully and unannounce."

Matapos ang lahat ng iyon, instead of going back to my own home here, dumiretso na kami sa airport. Mama Hector will accompany me going back home pero agad din siyang babalik sa London to clean the mess I left. Sinamahan niya lang ako para maipakilala sa akin ang bagong team na magha-handle sa akin. At ma-s-sepanx daw siya sa akin. We've been together for six years, every fucking day. Maski ako, ma-s-sepanx din yata sa kaniya. I'm gonna miss Mama Hector for sure. Pero nandoon na ang mundo niya at hindi ko basta-bastang babawiin iyon sa kaniya.

Pinagmasdan ko ang iba't-ibang establishments sa labas ng bintana habang mabilis na tumatakbo ang kotse. Ilang taon kaya bago ako makakabalik dito? I'm gonna make sure I'll be back every now and then. I can't leave London just like that.

Mama Hector and I took the business class to a more privacy. Kaming dalawa lang ang aalis. Pero siya na lang mag-isa ang babalik pauwi.

Because I am finally coming home.

"It's more than a day after your media conference but it's still number one trending topic worldwide. Sandi PH lang talaga malakas, ano?"

I animatedly roll my eyes as we travel to a grand hotel where we will meet my new manager. I've had enough sleep during the biyahe pero ewan ko't pagod na pagod pa rin ako at nawawalan ako ng gana. Nasa Pilipinas na ako, dapat nabubuhayan na ako ng dugo ngayon. We're breathing the same air and God knows where he is right now.

Super disguise ako ngayon, making sure no one will ever notice and laid an eye to me.

Maraming sinasabi si Mama Hector pero walang pumapasok sa utak ko. Gulong-gulo ang utak ko ngayon. Nandito na ako sa Pilipinas. Now, what? Where to find him?

I had a clear instruction to Mama Hector na kailangan kong malaman ang lahat ng recent and upcoming activities niya rito sa Pilipinas once I go back. Ayoko munang magtanong ngayon because the last time I asked him, which happened awhile ago, ay nasinghalan niya lang ako. Ang sinabi, maghintay daw ako. 'Wag ko raw siyang guluhin kasi stress na stress na siya sa mga queries tungkol sa ginawa ko.

"Ang tahimik mo naman, anak. Pinag-uusapan ka ng buong mundo ngayon. Anong masasabi mo?" Nagawa niya pang mag-joke sa akin.

"Not interested. Mas interesado akong malaman kung nasaan siya ngayon."

"Why don't you get your phone and open your Instagram account and search his name and message him, ask him where he is right now? For sure, ri-reply-an ka no'n. Sandi PH 'yan, e. Verified account n'yan, e. Hundred millions ang followers n'yan, e."

"As if naman ri-reply-an talaga ako no'n. I bet, he'll never gonna open my message."

"O, e, bakit pa tayo nandito? Balik na lang tayo sa London. Balikan mo na lang si Harry. Nagpapapansin na naman 'yong ex mo hours after you made a controversy."

Nasira ang mukha ko nang marinig ang pangalan ng recent ex kong gustong-gusto pa rin ako. May rumor pa na ginawan daw ako ng kanta. As if I'll be moved by that. Si Mikan nga, ginawan ako ng kanta, and even dedicated an album to me, pero wala, na-busted, hindi pa rin nababalik friendship namin hanggang ngayon. Pero sana sa pag-uwi ko ngayon, magkaliwanagan at magkapatawaran na kami.

I don't care about the issues anymore. I care about him. I care about him. I care about him. And only him.

Nakarating kami sa hotel na sinasabi ni Mama Hector. Siya na ang nag-asikaso. Keeping my profile low, I did not dare make an eye contact to other people. Super balot ang katawan ko ngayon, not my usual style, kaya pinagpapawisan na ako sa loob. Ang init pa naman sa Pilipinas.

Kaya nang makarating kami sa suite, ang una kong ginawa ay tanggalin ang coat na nakabalot sa katawan ko. Hats, shades, mask, everything. And savor the coolness of the aircon.

"Take a rest. Bukas mo na haharapin sila."

I weakly smile to Mama Hector and drag myself to sleep after freshing up. Pagod na pagod ako. Alam kong may hinahabol ako pero may tiwala akong kaya niya akong hintayin kahit wala akong kasiguraduhan sa lahat ng ginagawa ko ngayon. Wherever this wind will take me, I'll peacefully flew with it, even if it takes me to the unknown.

Maaga akong nagising kinabukasan. Nagkaroon ako ng time mag-yoga. I did my routine and dahil siguro sa pinatugtog kong music, nagising ko si Mama Hector. Or he ought to wake up at this hour already? I don't know.

"What the hell? Nagyo-yoga ka pero 'yong music mo daig pa nasa isang party?" I am on my cooling down phase when Mama Hector went out of his room.

Hindi ako sumagot at nag-concentrate na lang sa ginagawa ko.

"Ah, kaya naman pala."

Nakapikit ang mata ko nang marinig na magsalita ulit si Mama Hector. Hindi ko siya sinagot. Paniguradong ch-in-eck niya ang phone ko kung saan naka-play ang music.

I know that I'm not into party music. But I downloaded the song he made and listened to it every fucking single day and night. RIP repeat button.

"Ito dapat pinapakinggan mo, e."

Napadilat ako ng mata at agad dumapo kay Mama Hector ang matatalim kong tingin nang marinig ang intro ng kantang Millie.

"Nang-aasar ka, Mama?"

"Hindi naman. Favorite song mo 'yan, 'di ba? Ganda talaga ng alaga ko." Umirap na lang ako dahil sa mga pinagsasabi niya. "Freshen up after that, they'll be here in an hour."

"Fine."

Matapos kong mag-cool down, pumasok ako sa room ko rito sa suite at naligo at nagbihis ng isang simpleng damit lang. Hindi naman ako aalis. Imi-meet ko lang naman ang bagong manager ko at ang ibang staff ko. Nothing interesting. Wala rin akong lakad today, bukas pa naman ang contract signing na sinasabi nila.

I've got no time to blow dry my hair so I went out with a damp hair, loose shirt, loose short, barefoot, and no make up at all. Ganito ako kapag tambay lang.

Pinapatuyo ko ang buhok ko habang palabas ng kuwarto. Nasa malaking living room ng suite sila kaya nang makita sila, tumigil ako sa ginagawa ko at malawak na ngumiti sa kanilang lahat.

Unfamiliar faces pero mas exaggerated sa inaasahan ko ang magiging reaksiyon nila ngayon. They are dumbfounded to see me here ba? Hindi ba talaga sinabi ni Mama Hector na ako ang makikilala nila?

It took them a minute before they reacted. I think I am really in the Philippines. May the wind is right for bringing me here.

~