The Back To December

"Hi, I'm Sandi Hinolan." Binasag ko ang katahimikan at ang pagkakagulat nila. Isinantabi ko ang towel na dala ko kanina at kahit wala pang suklay, hinayaan ko ang sarili kong humarap sa kanila.

Then they start to scream, shriek, hyperventilate, and etc.

Okay, what is going on?

I look at Mama Hector. Umiling lang siya at lumapit na roon sa isang babaeng payat pero naka-corporate attire. Medyo kumalma ang babaeng iyon pero 'yong iba, hindi pa rin. Hanggang sa ang payat na babae na iyon na mismo ang nagpakalma sa mga kasamahan niya.

Sinuklay ko ang basa kong buhok gamit ang mga daliri ko and just shrug my shoulder.

They continue their hyperventilating moment while I sit down in a single couch, in front of them. I smile and wait for them to calm down.

Even the bulking body guys, which I assume will be my personal guard, are shrieking like they pinch by a cupid.

"Okay, take your time," I mumble.

I got a pack of cigarettes on the coffee table beside me. Kumuha ako ng isa at agad sinindihan sa katabi nitong lighter. I savor a smoke, let my throat savor the coolness of the mind from the cigarette, and then puff with a heavy sigh.

But I did stop midair when I saw they all look at me with a deafening sound. Para silang naging statue, natigilan at lahat nakatingin sa akin.

"What? It isn't a big deal. Everybody knows I'm smoking."

"Nah uh. Unicef, 'nak. Role model ka. Stop it," Mama Hector say, requesting me to throw away the cigarette.

Pero hindi ako nakinig. I puff another smoke and stand up. I puff another, at saka ko lang isinantabi ang cigarette sa malapit na ashtray.

"I want to know them," excited na sabi ko.

The shock atmosphere were eventually replace by a more lighter one. They all smile. Una kong tiningnan ang katabing petite woman, the same age as Mama Hector, yata.

Mama Hector then introduce them one by one. The petite woman is my new manager and will be handling every offers, transactions, businesses, and my other agendas here in the Philippines. She's Ms. Yang. My personal assistant is a girl the same height as mine and a bubbly one, named Nissa. My hair stylist, stylist, and make up artist in one is Alexa, she's a transgender and one of the few that live in my hometown. Alexa Geroso is the name. Previously Rocky Alexis Geroso. Boyfriend daw niya ang kapatid ng Presidente ng BN Station kaya siya nabigyan ng chance to be in this "special" task. Ewan ko, naguguluhan ako sa part na 'yon. There are two big guys. The first one is Martin, head of my security team. The second one is Chivas, my personal driver and a member of my security team. They both worked as PSG of the previous administration kaya trained na trained daw sila to protect me.

It's my choice na kaonti lang dapat ang mga makakasama ko rito sa Pilipinas. Ewan ko, nakakasawa kasing ang dami kong kasama rati. Mas mabuti na 'yong ganito, palagi akong may peace of mind.

Para mas makilala sila, I invited them for a lunch. Nag-usap lang kami kung anong mga mangyayari sa pag-uwi kong ito. Agad din namang nakalimutan ng buong mundo ang issue'ng ginawa ko a few days ago. Pero sa Pilipinas, bumabalandara pa rin daw ang pangalan ko sa social media, news, and other media platforms. Basically I am still the trending topic in the Philippines.

"What do you want to do to confirm the speculations?" tanong ni Ms. Yang, bago kong manager.

Inilapag ko ang kubyertos na hawak ko at nakangising sumandal sa back rest ng dining chair at nag-cross arms.

"I'll post a picture in my IG account."

And I did. After lunch, with the same outfit, I sat down on a couch. Ipinatong ko ang dalawa kong paa sa inuupuan ko, like the Asian blood in me, and holds a Philippine flag. Hindi ako nakatingin sa camera. Malayo ang tingin. Pa-aesthetic amp.

"Caption it with 'home.'"

Agad din namang sinunod ni Nissa, my new PA, ang sinabi ko. Hinayaan ko siyang mag-post no'n sa mga social media accounts ko. Lumingon ako kay Mama Hector and he just stares at me. I wink at him and languidly smile. Reminding him of what's my number one bilin sa kaniya before kaming umuwi ng Pilipinas. Relax, Mama Hector, I know what I'm doing.

He sighed and straighten his posture.

"Nissa, remember what I requested you about DJ Siggy's schedule?" One last glance at me before turning his attention to Nissa.

"Uh, opo, Sir Hector. Bakit po? Ang hirap pong hagilapin ng schedule niya the entire month. Ang suwerte ko nga po na nakuha ko ang schedule niya this week. Sikat na sikat nga siya pero masiyado namang pribadong tao."

Wow. Hanggang ngayon, pribado pa rin siya pagdating sa buhay niya? Kaya pala kahit anong hagilap ko sa internet, hindi ko malaman kung sino na ang girlfriend niya ngayon. Hiding it somewhere? Like what he did to me? Like… shit? Naipakilala kaya niya ang girlfriend niya sa parents and family niya? Something he did not do with me? Like… really, Sandreanna? Nakaka-punyeta 'yang utak mo, Sandreanna ha.

"Can I have it?" I interrupted.

Napatingin silang lahat sa akin, while I still press a wide smile. Excited to see what he'll do the entire week. Oh, I can't wait to see him, personally!

"P-Po?"

"Bigay mo na sa kaniya, Nissa. Siya ang nangangailangan n'yan."

Naguguluhan si Nissa'ng inabot sa akin ang isang kapirasong papel. Agad ko itong binasa. Today is the first day of March, first day of the week. And he has an audition for the movie he's going to direct, today! To-fucking-day! Today! Ngayon! March one!

"Audition. Three PM. Today. Any idea how can I get here?" Ipinasa ko kay Ms. Yang ang papel na binabasa ko at itinuro sa kaniya ang address na nakita ko kung saan ang venue ng audition. "I want to audition. I wanna try my luck."

Ms. Yang curled his forehead and obviously not on the same page as mine. Umiling siya. "'Sa Puting Bato?' This is directed by Siggy Lizares, an amateur director in this field. And besides, it's an indie film, Sandi. Low ang budget nito. This is not a good way to start your career here in the Philippines."

"This is what I'm telling you, Yang. Masakit talaga sa ulo 'yang si Sandi. But better answer her sentiments. It's not a good idea if you go against it."

"We talked about this, Hector. And you said I can do whatever I want to do just to feel Sandi safe here in the Philippines. An indie film is a bad start."

"Oh, Ms. Yang, I've been into worst before I became who I am today: low budgetting, nasty set, unfriendly people, unfairly treatment towards an extra like me. I want to try this one. It's challenging."

"'Wag kang maniniwala r'yan, Yang. Gusto niyang mag-audition sa movie na 'yan kasi hindi niya gusto ma-experience ang indie film. She wants to be in because of the director. Read again whose schedule you're holding right now."

Sinunod naman ni Ms. Yang ang sinabi ni Mama Hector.

"Siggy Lizares? What about it? He's an amateur. Baka nga mas magaling pang mag-direct itong si Sandi kaysa sa kaniya sa dami ng experience nitong si Sandi, e."

Talaga? Oh, so tina-try lang niya pala ang luck niya sa film industry. Kaya nga medyo nagulat akong isa na siyang director ngayon. So, sawa na siya sa EDM or whatsoever na tinutugtog niya? Taking another path? A path na mas lalong maglalapit sa aming dalawa? Ay, assuming, Sandreanna. Stop it.

"The reason why she's here."

"What?"

"Siggy Lizares is the reason why she came home and decided to settle for good. Ewan ko nga sa baklitang 'yan. Dati galit na galit 'yan sa lalaking iyon tapos ngayon, tinalikuran ang lahat para lang sa kaniya. Nahihibang na yata 'to. Ang sarap sapukin, e."

"What?!"

Okay, nakakabingi ang sigaw nilang lahat. Pero naiintindihan ko. They heard a new revelation kaya nakakagulat nga naman talaga. Patong-patong ang kanilang mga boses, sabay-sabay na nagsasalita dahil sa gulat na 'yon nga lang ang rason ko kung bakit iniwan ko ang Hollywood nang biglaan.

But it cut off by Mama Hector's ringing phone. Ipinakita niya sa amin ang caller ID. "Broadcasting Network Station is calling me. And the other two big TV stations in the Philippines just sent me a private message, asking if I could meet with them. Are you getting this, Alexa?"

"Yep. They probably saw her post. Her post that got an almost a million likes within five minutes after it was posted. Wow!" sagot naman ni Alexa habang nakatingin sa phone niya.

"What can you say, Yang? Anong station ang tatanggapin natin?" tanong naman ni Mama Hector kay Ms. Yang.

"Can we talk about stations later? Can I go to the audition now? Badly. Needed."

Napatingin silang lahat sa akin, natigil ang diskusiyong nagaganap between them.

"I want to go but I want it unannounce. I don't want to use my influential card just to get pass this audition. If I'll be needed to disguise, I might do it. Basta papuntahin n'yo lang ako sa audition na ito."

It took Ms. Yang a minute before agreeing to my decision. Kahit hindi pa siya pumayag, gagawin ko talaga ang lahat, makapunta lang sa audition na ito.

I prepare and Alexa, being my over-all stylist, help me with my lowkey and bare faced appearance. I don't want to draw so many attention if I want my arrival to be unannounce. Ayoko siyang gulatin pero I want to surprise him. Parang tanga kung mag-isip si Sandreanna talaga.

Nissa accompany me. Sinabi ko rin kay Martin to keep a distance away from me para hindi mahalatang mayroon akong bantay. Mas lalong makaka-draw ng attention 'yon.

"Ms. San-"

"Centina. Call me Centina, Nissa."

"C-Centina. Ms. Centina… ako 'yong kinakabahan sa 'yo, e. For sure kapag nalaman ng mg babaeng 'yan na nandito ka, panigurado talagang dudumugin ka. Ako lang mag-isa rito, hindi ko kaya 'yang mga babaeng 'yan." Nginusuan niya pa ang ibang babaeng mag-a-audition din yata.

"If you keep on talking and calling my name, Nissa, they'll eventually gonna find out. Relax ka lang. Valedictorian ako sa pagdi-disguise." I tap her shoulder.

Just like the others, I waited… I waited until it gets dark and everyone who auditioned, went home already. Sakto rin kasing huli kami sa linya ni Nissa.

Wala namang form na pina-fill out-an sa akin kaya my name's safe.

"Ms. Sandi, uwi na tayo. Niraratratan na ako ng text at tawag ni Ms. Yang at Sir Hector. Mag-a-alas diyes na. Umuwi na raw tayo," bulong ni Nissa. Okay lang naman na bumulong siya at sabihin ang pangalan ko kasi kaming dalawa na lang naman ang naiwan dito sa waiting area.

At saka… oo, gutom na ako. Lechugas naman kasi! Ganito pala katagal ang pumila? Anak ng unggoy. Kung hindi lang talaga ako nagpapa-good shot sa kaniya, hindi ko talaga gagawin 'to.

"We're next, Nissa. Just a little patience. Gutom ka na ba?" Her stomach growl and then I sigh. "I'll treat you to a buffet after this. Just please hold on."

"S-Sige po. Sasabihan ko lang po si Ms. Yang na 'wag kang puntahan dito at kaladkarin pauwi."

Naglakad siya malapit sa may halamanan para tawagan si Ms. Yang. Sakto ring may lumabas na sa pintuan ng parang room kung saan nagaganap ang audition. Nakadungaw lang ang ulo niya sa pinto habang may tinitingnan sa clipboard na dala niya.

"Are you the last one?" Tumango ako and straighten my posture. "Mabuti naman. Sana galingan mo, Miss. Buong araw na kaming nandito at marami na rin ang nag-audition pero olats pa rin. Sige na, pasok ka na."

Without Nissa's approval, sinundan ko papasok ang babaeng iyon. She keeps on blabbering on how tired she is daw tapos wala pa ring mapili ang direktor nila and other words.

Nang makapasok ako sa loob, it's the typical audition set-up. I've been to many auditions kaya wala na sa akin ito ngayon. Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit ang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko ngayon. I haven't seen the people who will be sitting in front to watch me act, pero kinakabahan ako. Legit. And I never heard my heart beat this loud again.

Tinahip ko ang dibdib ko at huminga ng malalim.

"'Wag kang kabahan, Miss. Chill lang naman sila. Relax lang."

Hindi ko pinakinggan ang sinabi niya. Mas lalo lang akong nabingi sa lakas ng tibok ng puso ko nang makita na ang mga taong nakaupo sa mahabang lamesa, katapat ng spotlight kung saan dapat ako tatayo.

Siggy…

His messy hair grew longer from what I expected. His skin got tanner from the last time I saw it. His eyes looks tired but I can still see that familiar chocolate-colored eyes he has. He looks mature with his beard on. He's different. Different from the Siggy I last saw, different from the Siggy I left behind, ans different from the Siggy I loved… and will always love. He's not him anymore.

Dahan-dahan akong naglakad, pinagmamasdan ang bawat sulok ng kaniyang pagkatao. He was busy talking to the guy beside him. Tumatawa 'yong lalaking kinakausap niya pero hindi ko siya nakikitaan ng kasiyahan sa mukha. May biglang sumulpot na isang babae. May dala siyang isang mug at inilapag niya iyon sa harap ni Siggy. Tumingala si Siggy sa kaniya habang ginugulo no'ng babaeng 'yon ang mahabang buhok ni Siggy. I saw Siggy smile a little to what that woman did and then he get a grip of that mug and sip on it. Tumabi ang babaeng iyon sa espasyong nasa kabilang banda ni Siggy. Komportableng ipinatong ng babaeng iyon ang kaniyang siko sa balikat ni Siggy habang nakikinig sa sinasabi no'ng isa pang lalaki na kasama nila sa table. Siggy didn't mind shrugging that hand away from him. He's still busy sipping on his mug while looking at that girl.

Yeah, hell! This is what I came for. This is what I fucking came for!

"Rum, last auditionee na."

I look away when the girl, who fetch me from the outside, talk. Biglang sumakit ang lalamunan ko dahil sa barang naramdaman ko mula rito. I think I'm about to cry but I compose myself and get a grip of my tears. Thanks to my everlasting shades.

"Kumakanta ka ba, Miss? Pakantahin na lang natin siya. Kung maganda ang boses niya, saka na lang natin pa-acting-in. Last na oh."

What? Akala ko ba movie itong pinag-audition-an ko? Bakit biglang pakakantahin na?

Dahil sa gulat ko, napalingon ako sa table nila. That guy, who's name is I think Rum, said that. He was playing with his pencil at nagpalipat-lipat ang tingin sa dalawang kasamahan niya sa table.

"May punto rin naman si Rum, Sig. Ano? G?"

Lumipat ang tingin ko sa babae. Nakapalumbaba siya pero ang buong atensiyon niya ay nakatingin lang sa lalaking nasa gitna nila. Nakatingin ng diretso sa akin si Siggy habang hawak pa rin ang mug na ibinigay no'ng epal na babae kanina. He's comfortably leaning on his chair.

Sa isang tango niya, biglang may inabot na sa aking gitara. Tinanggap ko kasi wala akong choice.

Teka, kakanta ako? Ano ba 'tong pinasok ko?

Biglang nag-loading ang utak ko't hindi ko agad nagawa ang gustong ipagawa nila sa akin. I need to bit my lower lip to think carefully. What is going on?

"Time is running. Can you go a little faster?"

Holy mother of monkey!

I literally froze when I heard his voice. Sunod-sunod na paglunok ang nagawa ko bago ko isinukbit ang gitara sa sarili ko.

Breathe, Sandreanna. You need to breathe!

Teka, Auntie Taylor, hiramin ko lang kanta mo.

"I'm so glad you made time to see me. How's life, tell me how's your family? I haven't seen them in a while."

"So this is me swallowing my pride standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night. And I'll go back to december all the time. It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you wishing I'd realize what I have when you were mine. I'd go back to december, turn around make it all right. I'd go back to december all the time."

"And then the cold came, dark days when fear crept into my mind. You gave me all your love and all I gave was goodbye."

"I'd go back in time and change it but I can't. So if the chain is on your door, I'll understand-"

"Stop!"

Umigting ang aking panga at kusang humiwalay ang kamay ko sa strings ng gitara at natigil sa pagkanta when his thunderous voice bombarded the whole area.

~