Grow up with Trauma

Isah is the youngest children in her family she have to sell cakes to make money, from the age of 7 she starts help her mother to sell cakes and she was very happy to do it and her sister often together with her to sell it, when help her mother to sell cakes she often feel shame it's not because of she is the child of cakes seller but she is not use to face the new people.

Sunday afternoon as usual Isah help her mother to sell cakes but now she is 15 years old, the cakes was a lot sold but Isah was fad to see someone for a few second and after that she back to sell cakes again with saw many people and peddle the cakes but without realize she saw the someone that she saw a few minute ago and it was happend for a few times but Isah never have intention to saw that person but it's happen naturally when she saw that person without have intention to do it she ignore it. Day after day was past and in the holiday day Isah always help her mother to sell cakes when she starts to peddle the cakes and saw many people she realize that the person that she saw with the fad looking at her and look like shame at her, Isah just ignore it and now she know that the one that she have look with fad is parking attendants and his age maybe 30 or 35 years old and sometime Isah mother ask her to swap the money with that person because Isah is the good girl she just do what her mother said.

Isah is not too open about her problem that she face, she seldom tell her mother, family or her friends about her personal problem and one of the skill that Isah have is she can heard the people who talk bad about her in behind. One day when Isah is 16 years old she was heard that parking attendance that she saw wiht fad one year ago said to many people that Isah have disturb him, Isah feel shock, cried, scared after heard that. many people start to disturb Isah when she is not together with her mother and some of the people scream Isah name and said that the parking attendance was waiting for her.Isah cried to much in the night she was very sad because her reputation was bad and get big trauma, month after month was past Isah still feel so scare and when she peddle the cakes and realize if the parking attendance is still in that place she feell opress, it's like forbidden for Isah to see him, Isah feel so bad when close to him although not saw his face, it's better to see the ghost than saw him. One day the parking attendance's wife come to that place and she look angry to Isah and also look so sad but didn't said anything, Isah confused why she look angry to her, and once again Isah hear that the wife of parking attendance tell someone that she fight with her husband and he hit her. Isah ask herself, is it because of me? She really scare if she have make them fight, she always cried in the night and blame herself and she is in the great depression, many people start to hate Isah athough not say anything they make their face bad when look her.

Isah have accept bad reputation in that place, many people talk bad about her in behind, until 4 years people still talk about her, Isah really stress and not dare to tell her mother and Isah often want to kill herself but never dare to do it, she like don't have energy to live, beside she get trauma to face adult man because scare the same thing happend. The things that she learn is adult age is not guarantee of adult attitude and personality In addition she learn to not see someone although it is just fad. Isah grow up with the trauma and it's really bad. She often scare of some people without reason and often cried in the night because that trauma.

In house Isah father's treat her bad he often angry said that she is stupid, lazy and often give the oath, sometime she think how it is feel to have father because although she have it is like she didn't have, she often cried but realize again that there are so many people that love her as mom, grandparent, aunt, uncle etc. Isah father's sometime said that her older sister never give him money after she was married and they are the rebellious children, when he fight with her sister or brother isah get fury too although she didn't engage in the problem she think that her father isn't fair. He just treat Isah good when she have help her mother so that she often fight with her father and sometime lose her respect. One time she said to her father I never ask to be your daughter if you don't want me why you make me live because if I know that I live with this way I better die than accept the unfair treat, her father just shut up. She seldom together with her parents since child because they are busy to make money and when she is baby until in elementary schooll she live with her grandparents, aunt, and uncle so that she seldom going to her house although have sisters and brother. In grandparents house all people love her she never know the oath she became polite little girl but when she is back to her house and accept the bad treat from father her life totally change and became bad girl. She very love her aunty because she is a good person and never angry to her when she teach and remind if something is bad to do she never taught with angry, one time Isah's aunty died because a sickness and Isah is very sad and tears fall down from her eyes, still didn't believe if she was passed away and whenever she remember about her aunty she didn't dare to do bad thing because she love her aunty.

Isah mother is a nice person she always buy some food from market to make her children happy so that she very love her mother and when she was child she think that will help mother when adult but when she get lible from the parking attendance she feel uncomfortable to go in that place. She still learn in senior high school and her friends said that she look weak and sometime said are you sick? Isah said no because she know it's cause the lible that she get and it was effect her healthy body.

She have interesting experience when join to flag raisers because met many people and one time all member have to join the LDK and they have to sleep in school one night there are so many events as sing a song, jurik malam, games, and squat to far place. But when the jurik malam go on the members have to make groups and complete the mission. When Isah and her group did the mission in jurik malam she is very scare because there are so many ghost although she know it was her senior, there is pocong, suster ngesot, a man without head, kuntilanak etc. It was very scary for them furthermore when all of the groups complete the mission and gather in one place suddenly someone get the possessed she is scream loud and cried beside the else member really scare because it, and Senior came and handle the possessed person.

In school Isah is active student she often ask question to the teacher and follow many contest but never win beside she don't too care about her look and eat all food that she want so that it's make her body big day after day one time when she was pay attention to her teacher then realize that her friend stare at her and he is a boy, Isah don't too care about it but he is often saw her for a long time and one time when she is in her friend birthday she hold the mobile phone and take a photo of this boy because he is in front of her but he is not realize and she is shock because in that photo this boy look her then she is laugh when see the photo and really happy. The boy often want to close with Isah with kick Isah shoe slowly touch her shoulder. She is dont understand about her feeling because she feel happy when close to him and when he saw her but she miss him when in house it was like feeling that she never understand, then she realize that she begin to love her friend and dont know why she love him it was like feeling without explanation. Isah wait for this boy convey her feeling but that day never come and make her dissapointed and try to forget him.

The boy avoid her and not stare at her again she never know why, but she use her logic that boys is not just you and back to her normal life again. She get bulliying because her big body many friends said that you're fit with the big one, you are like the big chicken, if we give many food you'll finish it she is tired about what her friends said, one time her friend said Beni is love you (Beni is the man with the big body too) and she said I don't love Beni but I love you, it is to shut up his mouth then he is really shut up at that time, day after day was past and in the afterrnoon at school one of her friend ask her Is ricky your boyfriend? then she shock and said What?, her friend said that he told me that you're his girlfriend and she said no we never in relationship. Ricky is the one who said "Beni is love you" a few days ago, Isah try to think, why ricky think that she is serious about what she said a few days ago. and begin laugh loud about it and really wonder about it. She think maybe the boy that she love didn't love her because she is fat.

Sunday Morning as usual she help her mother to sell cake although she is uncomport because the lible and sometime sad because her self worth is humbled she try to being sincere and let it go although she know maybe she can't forget it but she took learn from what happen in the past, move on, control the great depression, and realize life isn't just about sadness.