38. Chapter 38

She had no idea where she was.

As Maya blinked her eyes open, she found herself momentarily confused, not recognizing the ceiling above her or the wallpaper surrounding her. But then the world came back into focus and a very familiar face was pressed into her neck and a very familiar cry filled the air and Maya breathed in relief.

Carina groaned, shifting just a little, but Maya squeezed the tanned arm draped across her chest, stilling her.

“I’ve got it,” she said, turning just enough to kiss Carina’s forehead. Carina smiled, still mostly asleep, and nuzzled her face into the pillow. She was also still naked, which gave Maya pause because they were in Teddy and Owen’s guestroom, but she decided to let Carina rest. She looked so peaceful.

And so damn beautiful too.

Jamie had apparently also woken confused because when Maya leaned over the crib, Jamie almost did a double take, as if she was shocked to find Maya in this strange place with her.

“Hey, Jamie,” Maya said, lifting Jamie to her shoulder.

Jamie propped herself up, her hair a little sweaty from sleep, and looked at Maya’s face with serious eyes.

“You’re okay,” Maya cooed, bouncing a little, “did you think we left you? We’re never going to leave you, Baby T, you’re stuck with us.”

Jamie turned her head, and Maya pointed at Carina, whose back was to the crib.

“See there’s Mama,” she whispered against Jamie’s temple.

Jamie quickly calmed, her cries turning into a drooly grin as Maya carried her towards the bathroom, stopping only to grab their diaper bag from the floor.

Maya winced as she turned on the light, her eyes still sensitive from sleep, but when she caught sight of herself in the mirror, all exhaustion faded. She was wearing a tank top, but it did not cover the two mouth-shaped welts on both shoulders.

“So…Mama might be a vampire,” Maya said, running her finger over one of the bruises.

The pool party had been very last minute, and they hadn’t packed for a sleepover, but Maya was relieved that she’d tossed a sweatshirt in amongst extra jammies and diapers for Jamie.

After a quick diaper change, Jamie seemed fussy again, undoubtably the result of missing her usual nighttime feed. It was barely six in the morning, but Maya decided to take Jamie for a little walk and let the fresh air calm her. She pulled on her sweatshirt and quickly found some running shorts and then turned to work on Jamie’s wardrobe for the morning, opting to keep Jamie in just her diaper, and wrapping a flannel blanket carefully around her little body, laughing at the T-Rex hood attached to the back.

Maya felt a little awkward wandering Teddy and Owen’s house. She didn’t know them very well, but she also guessed that no one would mind her using the kitchen to make Jamie’s bottle. Jamie apparently had no qualms about proper guest etiquette because she fussed against Maya’s shoulder, her little bottom lip wobbling just as Maya turned on the sink.

“One second, J,” Maya promised as she measured water and formula with one hand. She shook the bottle, eyeing it to make sure it was ready, and then passed it to Jamie who accepted it eagerly, though she needed help holding onto it. Maya adjusted the baby, cradling her, and then decided it was time to go exploring.

“How’s the smoothie, Probie?” Maya asked, wandering out onto the patio. She closed the sliding door behind her and breathed in deeply, the early morning air as comforting and familiar as Carina’s scent.

The feel of wet grass beneath her feet brought back a wave of bittersweet nostalgia. Because it was her favourite time of day and had been ever since childhood. Before everyone else was awake, before the world rushed in. The perfect time to run.

At least according to Lane.

She’d loved the early mornings with her father just as much as she’d feared them.

The cold air always felt so much better on her lungs than the balmy heat of a late afternoon race. And while there had never been a post-practice father/daughter breakfast, no stop for a Happy Meal or a milkshake, she had cherished that time.

When it was just the two of them.

When there was no one else to upset him or challenge him.

He was calmer, less likely to lash out. Even when she was a teenager, when he’d wake her before the sun with ice water or a boisterous shout or a door slamming into a wall, even when she was so exhausted that she could barely move her body out of bed, she’d cherished that time.

She used to think that those mornings with Lane were special. None of the other dads took so much care with their children. None of the other dads put in the time to make their kids the best they could be.

Looking down at Jamie, Maya felt a wave of sadness. Every memory was tainted. Even the good ones.

“Do you like the mornings too, Jamie?” Maya walked around the yard, though she never took her eyes off the baby.

Jamie blinked up at her, sucking loudly on her bottle.

“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day,” Maya continued, circling the pool and moving closer to a few trees near the back fence, “your Mama makes French toast that’s better than…uh…it’s really, really good.”

Jamie released the nipple with a pop, her milky smile enough to let Maya know that there would likely be no more tears. Her diaper was clean, her belly was full, and she was rocking a T-Rex blankie. All things considered, Jamie was having a stellar morning.

Maya slipped the empty bottle into the front pocket of her hoodie and then raised Jamie to her shoulder, burping her as she continued her trek around the yard.

The celebratory mood of the day before was replaced with an overwhelming sense of reality. With the morning light came the realization that she was leaving 19. She’d known the second they’d promoted her again that she would need to go.

And it had been easy to temporarily push aside that knowledge while she concentrated on her victory and the heat of Carina’s body.

But in the quiet, away from the crowd, it all weighed heavily on Maya.

“Big update, Probie,” Maya said, smiling to herself when Jamie pushed back against her shoulder, as if she was trying to look at Maya’s face so they could have a conversation. Maya playfully flipped the hood over Jamie’s head, laughing when Jamie pouted.

The laughter faded quickly and Maya sighed, releasing an anxious exhale. “So, Mommy is captain again. I was captain before, by the way, but we didn’t know each other yet. You can still just call me mommy. But, yeah, I’m captain again and I’m happy about that. More than happy. I guess part of me is sad too…”

Jamie babbled quietly, her tiny hand finding Maya’s lips. Maya kissed her palm and then lowered the hood, letting the blanket fall open lest Jamie overheat in the increasingly warm morning air.

As always, Maya marvelled at how small Jamie was, how delicate her shoulders, the impossibly tiny cleft in her chin. Even though she was far from the preemie she once was, Jamie was Maya’s most precious thing, every inch of her somehow fragile and strong at the same time.

A small leaf fell from the nearby tree, distracting Jamie, and Maya caught it in one hand, bringing it closer, letting Jamie feel the dew-covered, greenery.

“Leaf,” Maya said, enthralled by Jamie’s face and tiny, grasping fingers. She could see Jamie thinking, she could see her learning. She was so little, but she was already somehow curious about the world around her and it was Maya’s job to show her that world, to give it to her…

Maya continued walking, and as always, Jamie’s presence helped her speak her truth.

“Between you and me,” Maya said, “I never thought I’d leave 19. I didn’t think I’d ever want to, but now…it’s going to be strange not knowing anyone at 77. But maybe it’s better than way?”

Maya sat down next to the pool, letting her legs hang over the side. The water was cool, a welcome contrast to the warm breeze starting to blow in from the west. It was going to be another hot day.

“So much has happened at 19. A lot of good things, but a lot of bad too. I’m going to miss everyone…maybe they’ll miss me, I don’t know…”

For years Maya had imagined herself by Andy’s side as they climbed SFD’s hierarchy. She couldn’t picture going into work without hearing Vic and Travis laughing together. But her time at District Six had shown her what it was to be free of drama, to not constantly be faced with the mistakes of her past or expectations of her future.

She’d be free to grow. To succeed. She wouldn’t have to worry about Andy’s ambition, about her team’s judgement.

While she’d long ago made peace with Jack and considered him a friend, a part of her secretly wondered if leaving him behind would be healthy too. 19 was all so entangled. She’d dated Jack. So had Andy. And Jack was also a constant reminder of what she’d done to Carina, of the pain and hurt she’d inflicted on the love of her life. She’d almost made peace with it, mostly thanks to Carina’s unfairly generous spirit, but she’d never fully forgive herself.

Maybe the DeLuca-Bishops all deserved a fresh start? Maybe leaving 19 was exactly what they all needed?

“I think it’s going to be good,” Maya kissed Jamie’s forehead, breathing in her scent, “Mommy is awesome at her job. And Mama will still come and bring me lasagna at work. Everyone at the new station will fall in love with her because everyone always does. Plus, no matter what, I’ve still got my best friend with me, right Jamie? You and me.”

The screen door slid open, revealing Owen and Leo. Maya could make out sounds coming from the house as the rest of the children and adults woke for the day. Sensing their peaceful retreat was over, Maya placed one more kiss on Jamie’s cheek before setting off to see if Carina was awake yet.

As she walked back into the kitchen, she was surprised to find all of Meredith’s kids at the table. Scout was in a high-chair and so was Alison. There were sleepy adults milling about and Teddy already had pancakes on the go near the stovetop and Kai was sprawled on one of the nearby couches, their long legs hanging over the side.

“Is she always like that in the morning?” Amelia appeared without warning by Maya’s elbow, pointing towards Carina who stood by the coffee maker with her eyes closed, scowling.

“Depends. Did you wake her up?” Maya tried not to laugh at her wife’s expression, but Carina was very much not a morning person, and she was without her beloved espresso.

Amelia raised both hands. “No! I swear. But I think she cursed me in Italian…”

“Oh. Yeah. She does that. You might want to get a priest.”

Jamie pulled at Maya’s hoodie, its loose collar slipping enough to apparently give Amelia a view of one very obvious bite mark.

“I need a priest?” She smirked, but before Maya could respond, Carina shuffled over, coffee mug in hand.

She took one sip and her scowl deepened.

“Caffè americano…”

“That bad?” Maya asked, raising her eyebrows when Carina unceremoniously handed the cup to Amelia.

“What time is it? We need to go,” she said, taking Jamie from Maya’s arms. Jamie made a grab for Carina’s hair, but Carina caught her hand, holding it lightly against her chest.

Maya couldn’t remember any pressing appointments for the day. She wasn’t due at the station until the evening and Carina wasn’t scheduled until the next morning.

“We do?” She asked.

“Sì. I need Caffè Umbria and the stupido tourists start lining up…”

“Or we could go make espresso at home?”

Carina narrowed her eyes at Maya.

“Okay!” Maya said, clapping her hands, “Caffè Umbria! Let’s go!”

Jamie giggled at the loud noise and then leaned back, reaching for Maya who quickly caught her, nodding along to a string of very opinionated baby babble.

“Good point, Probie,” Maya said, hoisting Jamie in the air, “You need clothes. No shoes, no shirt, no…”

“Marry me?” Amelia interrupted, which earned her stunned silence from the DeLuca-Bishops until Jamie started giggling again. Even Carina softened, seemingly more awake.

“Do you and Kai want to join us?” She asked, taking a step closer to Maya, close enough that she could smooth Maya’s hair, a subconscious habit.

Amelia shook her head, still smiling. “Maybe another time. Sounds like you could go for a bite, Dr. DeLuca.”

She pranced off laughing at her own joke, which left Maya and Carina staring after her.

Carina recovered first, pulling Maya into a hug.

“Buongiorno, mia capitana,” Carina whispered, lightly kissing Maya’s temple.

Maya shuddered just enough for Carina to notice.

“You cannot give me a kink about this,” she said, only half serious.

Carina smirked and bit her lip.

“I make no promises.”

She laughed before Maya could respond, taking Maya’s hand, eager to start their day.

Jamie yawned and snuggled against Maya’s shoulder and despite Maya’s still mixed feelings about leaving 19, she felt calm and focused.

Because she had her wife by her side.

And she had her best friend in her arms.

And there was no reason to be afraid.

Not anymore.

~*~

“Melanzana.”

Carina held up an eggplant, absentmindedly waving it in Jamie’s face as they slowly made their way through the produce aisle of their neighbourhood Italian market. Jamie was strapped to Carina’s chest, her little hands trying to grab anything that Carina showed her, and there was never a bad time for an impromptu Italian lesson, so Carina took advantage of the opportunity, pointing to numerous vegetables and translating for Jamie’s benefit.

“Okay, Picolla, we are making cake for gran,” Carina said, bringing a lemon to her nose. She smiled at the scent and then offered it to Jamie who leaned forward and tried to take a slobbery bite.

Carina snorted, dropping the lemon in their cart. “Guess we have to buy that one now.”

The market always made Carina feel at home. While she had no desire to move back to Italy, she missed so much about it. The culture. The language. The people. There was also the fact that as she strolled through each section, old nonnas would approach, cooing over Jamie, pinching her cheeks or playing with her feet.

They would ask Carina about the baby, they would give her unsolicited parenting advice full of folk wisdom. Some would even give her warnings or blessings, but it all combined to make the world seem so welcoming. She was still waiting for her Green Card interview, which meant she was unable to leave the country. The market made her longing for Italy sting a little less.

She also wanted Jamie to learn about her culture, to immerse herself in the language. Maya practically insisted that Jamie be bilingual, to the point that Carina had caught her multiple times sitting with Duolingo open on her phone, grumbling about grammar. So, Carina took Jamie to the market with her as often as she could, and she held up cheeses and fresh pasta and bread and told Jamie their names and let her smell them and touch them. She let herself imagine a future where they could take Jamie to Italy, a future where Jamie could play with her cousins in Sicily, where she could run up and down the shoreline collecting shells.

And in that dream, Maya was always with her, splashing in the water or building sandcastles.

The thought alone made Carina smile warmly and she tipped her face down, kissing Jamie’s head.

“Do you think you’re ready for some solid food soon, cucciola?” She said, more to herself than to Jamie.

The peaches looked in season and Carina wondered if it was time to use Maya’s beloved blender to make something other than kale smoothies. She picked one up, holding it in front of Jamie, but instead of her usual babble, Jamie let out an angry squawk.

It made Carina look up, frowning, confused by Jamie’s change in mood though she quickly understood her daughter’s anger.

Natasha Ross stood beside a display of plums, clearly startled to see Carina, though she had a talent for quickly recovering from surprise, her face shifting into friendly indifference like it always did.

“Dr. DeLuca,” she said, her smile tight. At least she had the decency to understand how awkward the situation was, how uncomfortable.

“Natasha,” Carina smiled, not missing the way Ross’s jaw twitched.

“I hear that congratulations are in order again.”

“Oh?”

“Your wife’s promotion. It’s well deserved,” Ross said, which made Carina bite her lip so hard that she almost drew blood.

Is she serious…

Carina straightened, subconsciously resting her hand on the baby carrier strapped to her chest. Jamie’s little fingers found Carina’s knuckles, tapping against them with her little palms, which helped keep Carina grounded. They were in public. Jamie was present. And this was her market.

She’d claimed it on behalf of the DeLuca-Bishop household.

And all of Italy.

“It is,” Carina answered, hoping that would be the end of the conversation.

It wasn’t.

“Listen, Carina, I understand that Lieutenant Bisho…”

“Captain.”

Ross cleared her throat. “Captain Bishop and I did not see eye to eye on many things. But…”

Carina raised her hand. While it was true that they were in public, they were no longer on SFD territory, nor did Natasha Ross have any power over her wife. The time for politeness was gone.

“I understand that my wife can be a difficult woman. Trust me, I understand more than most, but I also know that she is loyal and brave, that she is a good person. And maybe not everyone sees that, but to be honest? I sometimes wonder if they don’t want to see it,” Carina said, forcing herself to keep her voice even and calm.

“You know, when I was a resident, we had an attending who truly believed that women had no place in medicine,” Carina continued, “he always gave the female residents the worst shifts, the worst rotations. He wouldn’t answer questions – he considered our questions a sign of stupidity, of weakness. It almost made me want to quit the program. Some did – amazing women who would have made extraordinary doctors.”

Ross opened her mouth, but Carina pushed ahead.

“And then we got a new attending. Dr. Bianchi. She was a legend in Italy, greatly respected, the first female chief of surgery in the hospital’s history. We thought she’d treat us like the other doctor, why wouldn’t she? So, we didn’t ask questions. And we made mistakes. And she was furious until we explained that questions were not permitted.”

Carina smiled warmly at the memory. “There were only three women in my program, four including me, and she took each and every one of us by the hand and carried us through. She fought for us every day. She gave us extra OR time, she let us work with her patients, she wrote us letters or recommendation. She ensured that we all graduated. She helped us write grants, prepared us for interviews. You Americans have many strange idioms, but I like the one about the ladder. How she climbed it and when she got to the top, she reached behind her, back down to the lower rungs and raised us with her. I can only pray my daughter is offered the same courtesy some day.”

The friendly smile on Ross’s face vanished. It was like looking at stone, but Carina didn’t care.

“My wife wants to succeed. Sometimes it gets her in trouble, it’s true. But I will never understand why you pushed her down instead of helping her up. You are a very impressive woman, Chief Ross, you have achieved great things. Why do you not want the same for the women around you?”

“Dr. DeLuca, I think it’s best if I go,” Ross said. She moved the cart out of Carina’s way, but there was one more thing Carina needed to get off her chest. One more.

“752,” she said.

Ross paused. “What?”

“752. That’s the number of girls rescued so far from the trafficking ring my brother stopped. Well, 752 in the United States. The number is much higher internationally.”

“Dr. DeLuca…”

“SFD secured the train station that day. They were also responsible for alerting the police. Andrea could be rash, he was so passionate, my stupido little brother. But my wife…”

Her voice broke. She briefly wondered if she’d ever be able to speak about that day without tears. Jamie seemed to sense her feelings too because she curled her hands around Carina’s thumb and whimpered. Once more, Carina found Jamie’s presence grounding. She focused on her baby, pushing away the hurt.

“No, no, amore mio, La Mama sta bene,” Carina coasted her lips over Jamie’s head again and cleared her throat.

When she spoke again her voice was strong, determined.

“My wife deserves a medal for what she did that day. Instead, she faced disrespect and…and misogyny…and cruelty. You beat her down over and over, but every time she stood up again. It’s what she does. It’s who she is. My wife was not responsible for my brother’s death. She was not responsible for putting me in any danger – she would rather die first. And the fact you felt it appropriate to speak about my family…to speak about my brother…”

“Dr. DeLuca…”

“I wish you well in Chicago,” Carina said, “may you be treated there as you treated others here.”

Without another word, Carina walked away, pushing her cart far from Natasha Ross who seemed frozen in place. She finished shopping, unwilling to let Ross tarnish her beloved market too, and when she was done loading groceries into the car, she strapped Jamie into her car seat, but stopped before closing the door.

“Did Mommy train you to yell when you see Chief Ross?” She asked, tickling Jamie’s tummy.

Jamie giggled and kicked her legs, waving her favourite dino stuffy in the air.

Carina laughed too, feeling lighter than she had in months.

Another weight lifted.

Another problem solved.