4th Grail War on Crack

This takes place after Merlin Point(Where he created his universe) but before the Epilogue.

______

"Merlin what are you doing?"

"As a certain retired Isekai Truck Driver would say I am pissing off the readers. I already did a mass release finish that looked suspiciously rushed despite the book being finished a week ago."

"What readers?"

"Shhh, I must concentrate." The aura around Merlin becomes solemn as he chants. <Unlimited Waifu Works!>

With the activation of the spell, an unlimited number of Waifus from DxD and other fiction gets summoned from the multiverse, all naked and ready for an orgy.

"Why is there an unnatural number of Rias Gremory's in that group?" Ravel questions.

"As I said, I am pissing off the readers..."

"Sure..." My wives look unsure of my sanity, which is surprising that they haven't already.

"But wait! There is more. <Multi Shadow Clone> Only way to piss them off even further. Summoning an unlimited number of Waifus and using clones to sleep with them!" I unleash the endless horde of my clones onto the awaiting horde of women.

"Are you going to join them?" Vali asks this time around.

"Nope!"

..

In a realm closed off to the world. There stands a tower without an entrance, at the top of that tower Merlin stands his eyes glowing as he watches porn through his Clairvoyance.

He blinks as a ripple spreads through the fabric of reality and his gaze shifts into Fuyuki where he finds a man looking very similar to himself waving at him with a jovial smile on his face.

"Wake up Cath Palug, it seems something interesting is going to happen." He nudges the fluffy creature that was sleeping next to him but his nudging accidentally causes the poor creature to fall off the tower.

"Fou!!!"

..

(DxD Merlin POV)

I have breached the distance and arrived at Type-Moon. It seems that the date is 1994 meaning it is about the 4th Grail War.

I wasn't going to come here actually but it is my day off and I got kinda depressed after my second attempt on Witcher reincarnation failed even more miserably than the first time.

So I figured I might as well fuck around here!

"Fou?" Cath Palug taps me on the cheek while asking where are we.

"We're in a world of suffering Cath Palug. And we're going to save it with healthy doses of chaos." I grin at his horrified expression.

The last world I saved became a sex cult under my name(Nier Androids *shivers*), let's hope this won't end up like that.

..

Ryuunosuke Uryuu, a man with a simple mind. He works in cash-paying jobs that are generally finished in a day and is an occasional serial killer.

He had just got out of today's job, he was giddy with anticipation because he had just found a demon summoning book in his parents' home. He couldn't wait to summon one himself, unfortunately, he had a sudden case of death on his way home.

"Well, he ain't Shinji. There's no need to torture him." I mutter to myself as I take the book from his corpse. "Now, it is time to summon him, or should I visit the church first hmm well, let's do the summoning first."

Cath Palug felt fear for the first time after seeing the face of his partner...

..

"Essence of whatever matters.

Come forth from your tower of perversion, to join me in this chaos-filled war where no one wins." I kick the magic circle on the ground seeing that it is not working. And it suddenly works filling the room with light.

"Ahaha! I never imagined such a development." The smoke clears revealing a man that is very similar to me with a Cath Palug of his own on his shoulder. "Well, master I believe you know who I am."

I grin at Merlin and offer him a blunt. I have quit smoking but this is a special occasion.

..

"Hey, Merlin. Did you know that you don't need conscious consent to become a Counter Guardian?" I ask while smearing Kirei's blood on the Counter Guardian contract.

The trembling blue circle behind us slowly covers Kirei with light.

"What has he gained in return?" Merlin asks looking at the unconscious form of Assassin's Master.

"He got emotions!" I grin at his cringe.

Kirei had already retreated to Church after their small trick and we already took Kirei's command spells and ordered Assasin to kill himself completely.

Risei is brainwashed and this war will end before Tokiomi could learn about this anyway.

..

"Why are we killing this pile of worms again?" Merlin asks, he is healing Kariya while I am finishing Zouken.

"Because I want to see whether if events of this hentai manga would truly happen." I pass him a SakuraXKariya and KireiXRin doujinshi. This is the reason I stopped browsing Fate/Zero doujinshi.

"Ohhh you had my attention but now I am interested." Maybe I should give Merlin, Multiversal internet connection?

..

"You!!!" Gilgamesh points towards us.

"We!?" Merlin and I point to each other.

"Merlin?! Wh... Wait! Why are there two of them?!" Artoria trembles as she gazes upon us.

"NoOoOo!" Even Lancelot recognized us.

"Fou kun handle Sir Lancelot for us will you." I order.

""Fou!"" Two of them jump down on Lancelot and start bullying him.

"Enough! Give me my treasure back thief!" Gilgamesh roars seeing that no one cares.

"I lent that to you goldie! It was never yours!" I take out EA and dangle it around.

This is the same Gilgamesh I lent my sword. As a result of me taking it back, his NP lost considerable power.

"Ohhh such a nice stick."

"Dude that sounded really sus."

"Meh, I can switch genders."

"Please don't..."

"Why..." Artoria falls on her knees.

"Eh Master. Who are those two?" Rider asks to Waver.

"That's Merlin apparently... One of the greatest magi and how is there two and one of them is a servant! Did he summon himself?!"

"Rider what is your wish?" I suddenly ask Rider.

"I want to conquer this world after getting back my body."

I tap my staff to the ground, following some magic Rider gets incarnated into life. "There you are incarnated now. I am teleporting you to Waver's home back in England bye!" I wave at them while ignoring Waver's scream of terror.

"Was that wise Merlin?" Merlin asks.

"Meh, at worst he will get killed." I shrug at Merlin.

"Stop ignoring this King!... Wait Tokiomi what are you doing?! Stop!" Ahh, Tokiomi got scared and summoned him back, pity.

Lancer has already sneaked out during the conversation so there's only Artoria and Lancelot here.

"BaNanA RoTatE! BaNanA RoTatE faSTer!" He seems to be doing alright. Cath Palug duo is giving him bananas to rotate...

We move towards Artoria lifting her up. Her face is stained with tears.

"Hello, Artoria." We approach her with a benevolent smile.

..

"You're telling me Berserker is Lancelot."

"Yes."

"Then why is he behaving like that?" Artoria points to the many bananas in rotation, surrounding Lancelot.

"It seems he is confusing Cath Palug with Rabbit of Caerbannog." Fate Merlin mutters.

After those words Artoria vanishes, her parameters suddenly reaching EX. She beheads Lancelot in a single swift move. We look at her weirdly. "I put him out of his misery."

..

We have relocated to Einzbern Castle after Artoria unwillingly admitted that she trusts us. How come she could trust Merlin after all this time?

"We told them about Angra Mainyu." Merlin says.

"Oh right." That's right we revealed it all. This caused Kiritsugu to get drunk while Irisviel and Artoria are sitting with clear depression.

"Why all the gloom. We wouldn't be here if there wasn't a solution!" I grin and reveal my master plan.

There was a magic technique back in DxD it completely reverses magic attributes. They even tried reversing Asia's healing to kill Satans at some point. I am going to Reverse All the Evil of the world.

"Well, that is all and good we still need to take down Archer and Lancer." Artoria says.

"Leave the Lancer to Merlin. Gilgamesh is someone you can take on once you got Avalon back." I say as my hand goes into Irisviel.

I am not just extracting the Avalon but the grail as well, also rewiring her to live more than 20 years.

"Ahh~" She's happily married, don't focus on the voice.

..

"I don't mind if you sleep with her... I cheated on Iri to hurt her... It is only faihfbdn." Kiritsugu passes out.

I share a look with Merlin.

"While someone else's wife is better. It loses its taste if the husband gives permission." Merlin shakes his head.

"There are so many things wrong with that statement."

"Bah! Council of Merlin would have banned you for your Anti-NTR ways. You're lucky I am generous and more handsome than you." I suddenly understand why Cath Palug wants him dead...

..

Artoria awakens the next day, she leaves her room only to see one of the Merlins leave the room of Maiya Hisau with a grin. She was able to see her white-painted body from the crack of the door.

Seeing this, Artoria ran towards Irisviel's room only to run into her while she was changing." Saber? What happened?"

"Was Merlin here last night?" Artoria asks 'calmly'.

"No."

"Then where is he..."

..

At another location in Fuyuki City. Merlin leaves the hotel with a satisfied expression. If one were to go to the top floor they would find Sola-Ui Nuada-Re Sophia-Ri in a very compromising position and totally drained of magical energy. Even worse her fiance is tied next to her with tears in his eyes.

She doesn't have enough magical energy to sustain Lancer anymore thus... "Let's see, my counterpart asked me to say this upon leaving. Lancer ga shinda."

"You're not human!" Suddenly a seven-year-old redhead yells from somewhere. Leaving Merlin dumbfounded.

..

Artoria VS Gilgamesh here was pathetic. Gilgamesh got a serious rank down since I have his weapon. He actually has an imitation EA with him but its power is comically low compared to the real deal.

We were actually planning to assault Tohsaka resident but Archer found us and declared he killed Tokiomi for pulling him out. I was honestly jovial at that information. Fuck Tokiomi. Then Artoria beat Gilgamesh to death.

"Well, since I took the grail from Irisviel. We need to go to Mt. Enzo to where Greater Grail is located."

"Do you know where it is?"

"Yes, we need to use the secret tunnel."

<BGM: ATLA - Secret Tunnel>

..

The rest of my adventure wasn't worth mentioning, everything was in place except one thing.

"Artoria, do you plan to have your wish during the next war?"

"Yes..."

"How about a deal?" I raise my hands innocently and continue. " Servants has to die for the maximum power, so you won't get your wish as a Servant. Let me reincarnate you. You will be around 17 by the time of the next war." I already made sure the next war would happen in 2004.

Artoria struggles but after learning about the truths of the grail she doesn't have a choice and nods. I reincarnated her in the past at a similar age to Shriou(We never got his name before the fire). She won't remember her life until she hits 14, let's hope she can let her wish go.

"Well, it has been a good ride Merlin I had fun." Caster bows.

"Likewise."

"Also, thanks for helping her... I was never able to." With that Caster disappears, I had to fill the cup myself with my reserves but we're ready.

I approach Kiritsugu." Wish for the total annihilation of the world. I am going to Reverse it after all." He stiffly nods and goes into the Greater Grail.

Five minutes later the hole opens in the sky, the ominous aura felt around the world before I reverse it into a blessing.

This act will help Gaia recover and push the age of steel a thousand-year away from its scheduled time. Giving humanity time to reach the stars.

Seeing that my job is done I turn to leave, but before that, I flash my <Clairvoyance> and see Artoria's fate. She actually gives up her wish and pursues kendo while having a crush on a certain redhead. To my surprise, they get married too.

Ahh, I am satisfied...