Chapter 14: My hero

Dear Diary

Hurt not others with that which pains yourself.

The words repeat in my head over and over again as I sit here in my room atop my bed.

I'm home, it's a beautiful Sunday afternoon and as normal as this day is, for me it feels conflicting. I am no longer the girl my parents raised, the big sister Chrissy could always rely on, the girl Brian Davis fell in love with. I am a shadow of a shell of the girl they loved.

Hurt not others with that which pains yourself.

The mantra sticks in my head as I push back even more tears from strolling down my pale cheeks.

After going over every detail with detective Palmer, causing my mother to have to step out of the room because she just couldn't take it anymore, we were discharged with strict instructions for me to take antibiotics and pain meds at night and get plenty of rest.

Easier said than done.

Rest is sleep, sleep is something my mind fears.

Hurt not others with that which pains yourself.

I searched it on my computer as soon as I got home and thought it sounded familiar. It's a Buddhist proverb that Doctor Palmer translated into Italian for me.

My grandmother didn't want her cultural heritage to die and feared that when Chrissy and I grew up and had kids of our own that we wouldn't continue to know where we came from. So, teaching us Italian at a young age was adamant to her. I don't speak it fluently, but I know enough words to mostly translate. I don't know how Doctor Palmer knew about me, my guess is the patient chart, but that doesn't explain how she knew I would understand what she said.

I'm not sure why she said it to me. I don't think I am hurting anyone but for whatever reason, she got me to relax. Between her voice and the mantra, she got me to wake from the hell I was trapped in by the demon.

The demon that refuses to leave me in peace.

Mona has been calling me like crazy, Chrissy is walking around me like I am made of glass, and my parents halt all conversation when I walk in a room. Brian didn't want to leave my side, but he was still in his suit, so his mother made him come home. I told him I needed some space and time, something I can tell he wanted to argue with but understood all the same.

I have avoided everyone, and in doing so, have no idea what happens next. I told the detective the truth. About how Amy was crying there pretending to be sad about something. How Steven came in two minutes later and attacked me. Everything.

Brian tensed at the details and I bet if I looked over at my dad he was probably seconds away from going to find Steven himself. I didn't tell the detective about Derek being the one that saved me. I had overheard mom tell dad how after the hospital, Steven would be transferred straight to the jail, and I didn't want him to be in some kind of trouble.

Monday school starts, and my parents have already told me that if I'm not ready I don't have to go. I know I won't be. I don't know if I ever will. Every time I blink, and he smiles the sinister smile that gives me the chills, makes me want to never go back more and more.

Hurt not others with that which pains yourself.

I hope I don't.

- - - - -

"Jolie?" My head rises from my diary and over to the door. Chrissy stands in the middle of frame looking down at her feet. Her hands are fiddling around in front of her and she looks unsure of herself. I rise up slowly, still feeling sore in my abdomen.

"Chrissy? Everything okay?"

"Huh? Oh yes, just letting you know that dinner is ready if you're hungry." She still hasn't looked up at me, merely at the wall holding my academic trophies and ribbons.

"Okay, thank you."

She nods her head and walks back out of the door. Is this how it's going to be from now on? Everyone walking on egg shells around me? Anger bubbles to my chest at what Steven took from me. I haven't cried it out, haven't screamed or shouted from the rooftops, but I don't know if I have the strength to do so. He has taken everything from me, even the fight I used to have inside me.

I walk down the stairs and come to a stop when I hear my name being whispered by my mother. I lean around the corner of the kitchen and see her, dad and Chrissy all siting around the table. I want to so easily sit with them and pretend none of this happened. To eat with my family while discussing the upcoming graduation ceremony. To laugh and talk, then make our way over to the living room for our Sunday night ritual of moves. And yet, all I do is go back upstairs to my room, close my door and sit on my bed.

"Jolie?" My mom calls from the other side of the door a few minutes later. I stare at the wall while answering her.

"Yeah?"

"Sweetheart were you not hungry?" I shake my head but after a few moments realize she can't see me, so I call out my answer instead.

"No, not hungry. I'll come down later and get an apple." Hoping my answer will suffice, I crawl into my blanket, take my pill and try to get some rest.

I can hear voices but it's too dark to see where they are coming from or who is saying them. My hands seek out someone in the darkness but as soon as I hear his grunts I retract my arms.

He's here. He found me.

I close my eyes and reopen them, hoping to wake myself up. I know I am dreaming. I can feel it. My unconscious state takes me here every time I sleep, every time I rest my eyes, every time I blink, but I don't understand why. Why am I here where he can find me?

"Jolie?" I turn to the sound of a voice calling out to me. It sounds like my father, but I can't tell.

"Fuck yeah-." I cower when I hear the unmistaken voice of Steven.

My tormenter keeps grunted and telling me how much he wants this, how long he has thought about doing this. I stay rooted in my spot, hoping someone will find me. Hoping that someone will save me, just like before. Suddenly I am transported to another place. I'm in my mother's flower shop and the lights while on, are on a dim.

I walk around the space, feeling euphoric at the fact that I am in some light and can see my surroundings. It looks like it always does. Brown counter with a glass top. A line of green buckets littering around the back entrance for when the flowers are fresh with water. A small black register to the side next to the new ordering computer we got mom. Even the small black step ladder for when Chrissy comes and helps out and can't reach any of the top shelves is folded up in the far corner. Everything is the same.

A knock at the door sounds. Louder than normal, and I squint my eyes to see Derek outside in the pouring rain. I try to run over to him, but my feet don't move. I'm stuck in place watching him look into the window and spot me.

"Jolie? Jolie!" I try to scream back at him that I'm stuck, but my voice won't work. I can't make any noise.

"Jolie behind you!" Derek screams and points trying to break down the door.

I turn around and see Steven coming towards me. He slowly strides towards me and that's when I see it. He's naked. Stroking his penis, he comes closer and closer to me. I try and turn back around, try to run as fast as I can to Derek, but still cannot move. I look down at my feet and see that I am naked as well. Long red scratch marks align my legs and torso, and bruises are positioned around my arms.

"There's a good girl-." Tears begin flowing down my cheeks as he prances on top of me, causing us to fall onto the ground and begins assaulting me once more.

Pain ignites inside my belly as he thrusts over and over again. I make no noise, I couldn't if I wanted to and cringe when I feel him tear me apart even further. Steven whispers disgusting things in my ear, tells me over and over again how much he has wanted this and is so glad his sister did this for him.

"Please."

"Not until I get what I've always thought about sweets."

"Jolie?"

"Jolie please mija. Open the door."

"She's not answering."

"Remember what the doctor said?"

"Brian, go downstairs and get the notecard form my purse. Hurry."

So many voices enter my nightmare, but I push them back one by one. I don't want them to see me in this state. I can't let them see how destroyed I am. They will never forgive themselves.

"I go it. Here Jim, you read it."

"Non ferire gli altri con cio che ti addolora."

My eyes blink open from the strange unconscious state I was in. I look around the room I am in and take a moment to relax knowing I am inside my bedroom. I can hear voices on the other side and slowly rise to answer my door. I'm still in my yoga pants and long sleeve t-shirt that I changed into at the hospital after they let me shower.

"Oh, thank God mija, I was so worried." Mom rushes to me and envelops me into a hug that could kill a boa constrictor.

"Mom?" I don't hold her in return. I am extremely uncomfortable and don't want to be touched but I know she needs this moment of clarity to know that I am alright.

"Okay Sophia, that's enough, remember what the doctor said, let her go."

"Oh right, sorry Jo." Mom lets go but brushes my hair down. I look over and see dad and Brian in the doorway looking worse for wear.

"What's going on?" I look between the three faces that have yet to leave mine.

"You were screaming. Your mother and I were downstairs watching a movie when we heard you. You kept screaming for help, kept screaming that he was getting you and that were stuck. We thought-" I nod my head so that dad doesn't have to finish.

They thought he was here.

"Why are you here?" I look at Brian whose eyes look the same as earlier in the hospital. Dead and empty.

"I wanted to come by and see you. I knocked on the door and got worried when I heard no answer. I used my key and that's when I heard you screaming and your mom and dad trying to wake you from the other side of the door." I push a lock of my hair that has fallen from behind my ear. I hate doing this to them.

"What was that mantra you said to wake me dad?" Everyone's gaze floats from me to dad and he pulls the small white notecard with feminine writing on the front. He lifts it in the air and gives a sad smile.

"Doctor Palmer gave it to us. Said that if you ever felt trapped by one of your nightmares, then we should say this to you. She said to only use it if we just can't seem to reach you." I nod my head once again then jump out of moms arms when I hear Chrissy call out from her room.

"I'm going to go tell your sister everything is fine. Don't worry mija, everything will be alright." I watch mom leave and see dad do the same after a second of looking conflicted.

"Mind if I stay?" I shake my head at Brian. My parents won't mind if he stays as long as ends up sleeping on the couch downstairs. We've done it before.

"I don't think I'll be able to sleep anyways."

"Me either."

Brian and I sit down on my bed, on top of the blankets and sink into a quiet tone. Neither of us speak and even though you could cut the air with a butcher's knife, it's not awkward. I can hear mom and dad shuffle around downstairs, then eventually head to bed. They stop by my room and let me know they are going to sleep and that there are some blankets and a pillow on the couch for Brian.

"Your mother is taking tomorrow off as well, so if you need anything, she's there." I nod my head at my father's words and continue to stare at the muted television that Brian tuned on a few minutes ago. I think we both needed the welcome distraction without the noise.

After saying goodnight, mom and dad head upstairs and I begin yawning.

"Tired?" I hear him whisper to me.

I shake my head but am not honest with him. The truth is all I want to do is rest. My body and my mind are both completely exhausted from the last twenty-four hours, but I can't sleep. Just knowing what's on the other side waiting for me has my body shaking already.

"Cold baby?" I nod my head, not wanting Brian to think something else if wrong. I feel him wrap his arms around me and lean further into his body. I'm exhausted and being comfortable in his arms isn't helping the matter.

"I should head downstairs. You going to be okay tonight on your own?" I nod my head, begging him to stay in my mind.

Brian stands up and heads to the door. He opens it but before stepping out, turns back around at me and stares. Neither of us say a word. I don't know what he would want me to say even if I did have my voice. His eyes look lost, as if searching for something in the depths of my soul. I wish I had answers for him, I don't even have them for myself.

"You know I'm always here if you need me, right?" Tilting my head to the side I give him a questioning look. Have I given him a reason to think I didn't trust him or believe in him?

"I'm just downstairs if you need anything. I'm not going to school tomorrow either. I just want to be near you." I don't want him to miss but deep down, I want him with me tomorrow. Although my mother will be here tomorrow, I don't want to talk to her, not yet.

Brian turns back to the hallway and says one last thing that has me wondering what exactly happens after I fall asleep and get stuck in those horrible nightmares.

"You kept saying his name. You kept screaming over and over again, that you needed him, that you needed him to save you. I want to be the one that you rely on, but I don't know if I can be. I think you should maybe talk to him. It might be a good idea towards some closure.

"Brian?"

"Derek. You kept calling Derek's name." With those lasting words Brian heads downstairs. I wait a few moments until I hear the television turn on. He always needed it to fall asleep.

I lay back against my pillow and think about the strange dream I had.

I called out for Derek? Why?