INTERMISSION: ARCHANGEL- 10 Days

Garrus could hardly stomach the funeral. He was surrounded by countless stiff shirts and big banners and people who knew her as the Commander, the savior.

He didn't want to think about how few of them actually knew her. It made him feel sick.

But he was stuck thinking about them, because thinking about the fact she wasn't here to make fun of all the dumb revelry, or sneak away with him to pester gunners about their stocks, made it far worse. It was like he had a bleeding wound in his chest and it wouldn't fucking stop, and everyone else was just figuring out how to sign each other's casts.

The only bright spots were family speeches; Anderson, Joker, and Admiral Shepard stepping up and talking about the woman before the hero. Those were the kind of things he wanted to think about: Anya, getting her first pointe shoes on the same birthday she got her first gun. Anya, the loud snorer who failed the tests she studied and aced the ones she didn't. Anya, who never took the Alliance seriously until she went on her first mission, because the second she got a taste of saving people, it changed her.

Hearing stories that sounded even the smallest bit like the Anya Shepard he knew was so much better than all the pomp and circumstance bullshit happening around it.

When it got to the reception, he wasn't even sure if he should stay. He couldn't look Joker and Kaidan in the eyes, knowing their stubborn asses were why she wasn't here. And the rest of the crew? They didn't understand what happened that day. They didn't understand how the Collector ship ripped everything he thought was solid and strong to shreds.

That was the extra bullshit; only Shepard would spook an otherwise mythical species back into existence. Nothing normal could ever take her down.

But it was that part about her getting taken down that was still fucking him up.

Hell, maybe the other two didn't deserve as much blame. He could've dragged her into that escape pod, but like the rest, he listened to her orders and let her go.

Garrus should've known "I'll find you" was heroic bullshit.

Instead of listening to another person ooze about said heroism, he shoved past a frightened-looking Kaidan and walked out of the memorial. Sad the biotic, of all people, understood where Garrus was coming from. He hadn't contemplated killing Kaidan, not really, but maybe that would make him feel better; replace his own bleeding heart with something else.

All he knew was he couldn't stay here. Not anymore. So, he left.

Walking around the Citadel, Garrus didn't know how, but he ended up at a bar. And he ordered the strongest drink he could think of, Krogan ryncol, but he couldn't stomach swallowing it. He just ended up staring down at the bottom of the glass, wondering what Shepard would say to him.

Suddenly, a voice that sounded a little too familiar was talking to him. "You just came from the service, right?" Garrus had to blink a few times as he looked up. In front of him was a blonde, weathered woman in Alliance garb, with one robotic, gray eye and a green one that he knew too well. All throughout her face, there were echoes of the woman he was aching to hear from, but it wasn't her. She extended a hand. "Oksana Shepard. I couldn't stand the fluff, either. And if you salute me right now, I'll punch you."

He took her hand and gestured to the seat next to him. The last thing she said sounded so Shepard that he didn't need any more explanation. "Garrus Vakarian."

"You're one of the strays she picked up for her mission tracking down Saren. From the reports I swiped, she thought highly of you."

Any other day, he'd take that as a compliment. But right now, it just felt like another concussive shot to the chest. "The feeling was mutual."

"How was she doing, at the end? And not the savior of the citadel pride that she lied to me about."

Garrus traced the rim of his glass with his talon, not really sure if this was a conversation or an interrogation. The seriousness in Admiral Shepard's voice hinted towards the latter. But her rank didn't make him feel any easier about it. Garrus said, "I don't know--"

"I respect your loyalty to her, but she's dead, Vakarian. Let me know my daughter."

Swallowing, he saw where Shepard got her intensity. He finally sucked it up and downed some of the ryncol. Garrus tried his best not to picture her face too much; it made it hurt worse. "She was struggling. Losing Ash... our Gunnery Chief, it really dug into her problems with Akuze. And after Saren, the rest of us were moving on. She didn't like that, either. I didn't know until the end how much. If the Collectors hadn't hit, I probably would've changed my plans and stayed, help her get ready for the next fight. But I guess that's not an option now."

"You two were close?"

He could feel Shepard's hand in his, calloused but small and holding onto him like he was a lifeline. And he could hear her in his ear, telling him how he reminded her to be human. And he even could feel her breath on his cheek, practically begging him not to go, but then--

Garrus downed the rest of the vile drink. Before he answered, his other hand fisted the fabric of his pants and his talons dug into his flesh. "Yeah, we were close."

Next to him, Admiral Shepard hit her fist into the table. "Goddammit. If only you weren't. I kinda hoped I could get an excuse to punch someone for... something." She paused before adding, "I want to blame her comrades, like you. I want to blame myself for making a soldier out of a dancer. I even want to blame my Anya. But it doesn't matter, because my beautiful. little. foolish detenysh is gone and I'm alone."

"Detenysh?"

For the first time since she sat down, Admiral Shepard smiled. "My crew used to call me the mother bear of the Alliance. So when she was born, they called her the cub. My little cub. My detenysh. It's--"

"Russian. Shepard mentioned it."

"She told you a lot, didn't she?" Admiral Shepard was putting a hand on his shoulder, and it was hard to make out her expression. Unlike his Commander, who spoke with her whole face, the Admiral only made the subtlest movements. "Were you and my daughter...?"

For that one, Garrus could be firm. Or, at least, fairly honest. "No. Shepard was just my best friend."

With an eyebrow raised, the Admiral kept going. "Okay, sure, but did you two ever--"

"No!" Garrus realized he said it a little too loud a little too late. Despite his answer, the Admiral had this uncomfortable smirk on her face. He didn't want to be looked at like that. Especially not by someone who looked so much like...

Rubbing his forehead, he tried to clear things up. "Nothing like that happened between the Commander and me."

Admiral Shepard shrugged. "Too bad. My daughter struggled to connect with people. But I suppose a best friend will do." Taking a deep sigh, she leaned on his shoulder to stand up, looking older than her years. "Thank you, for being her friend. Now, I'd love to embarrass some stories out of you, but I'm sure the Alliance leadership isn't happy I disappeared. And I probably need to save Joker from politics." With way too heavy a hand, she patted his back. "Best of luck, Garrus Vakarian."

And she walked off, just like that.

He'd love to say that the conversation comforted him. But if anything, it only made him angrier. If Shepard was here, she'd laugh with him about how goddamn awkward that was, and she'd tell him stories about how her mom always pried like that. Something.

Instead, he just got to sit here in silence, alone.

No matter what the hell he and Shepard were, clearly they were getting somewhere. Their friendship mattered. All her talk of not being a good enough hero? Somehow, he felt like he was helping her wash that self-loathing and doubt away. And she had definitely been making a better man out of him. Hell, he was ready to ship himself off to the Spectres for the slightest chance to help the galaxy like she did.

But one goddamn laser and none of that mattered anymore.

Well, one goddamn laser and two idiot men who he knew were just doing their jobs, but dammit, he wished they did them better.

All he had left was his empty glass and a mirage of a woman across the table from him, her soft brown hair falling out of its ties, giggling over childhood romance and her own loneliness. Her green eyes squinted away when she laughed, because she always laughed with her whole face, kinda like she was about to sneeze. And he'd never see that again.

As his heart sunk through his chest, he thought, okay, it was time to leave the bar.

Garrus wasn't quite sure when he started walking towards the Alliance shore leave apartments, trying to find out if there was anything left of her there. But when he got there, to the one she'd shown him their first time on the Citadel, her nameplate was already gone.

Goddamn everything he knew about her was just slipping away and he couldn't stop it.

Staring at the empty plate, he lost any level of self-control. Pounding his fists against the door, he just wanted the pain to go away. Or better, he wanted her to open this damn door, tell him it was all just some awful, elaborate undercover mission and she was back and they could be like they were before.

But he only got a few pounds in before a door opened across the hall. Lucky man he was, it was old brown eyes and biotics himself, Lieutenant Alenko.

When their gazes met, he could see the fear in Alenko's eyes. He'd seen that kind of fear before, normally from new-to-space humans who assumed Turians were angry, war-hungry monsters.

Between him and Alenko, though, the Alliance soldier knew exactly why he should be afraid of him.

Before he could even get in a word, Garrus put his forearm against his chest and shoved him against the wall. "Because of you, she's not here anymore. Do you even have anything to say about that?"

He knew he was probably going too far, and he could tell from how Kaidan was breathing that he was putting a lot of pressure on his windpipe. But frankly, he didn't give a damn. It took a moment, but Kaidan finally said, "I'm sorry, Garrus. I fucked up. I--" Garrus just pushed harder.

Out of nowhere, Kaidan's door opened and Liara came out, in an Alliance robe, clutching a fistful of biotics. "Garrus, put him down."

Of all the things he wanted to do, his favorite would be to shove Kaidan through some Presidium glass and see the shatter patterns, but he listened. After all, maybe telling them what assholes they were would make them feel worse than some broken bones.

Garrus crossed his arms and said, "Riiight, I remember Shepard told me you two hooked up. Well, congratulations, without your pathetic crushes on her you wouldn't be here together. You get to be happy. But she's not here, and you both know that's bullshit."

Kaidan started, "I think we should all just--"

When he flicked his glare over to him, the biotic stopped dead. "I don't take orders from you."

"Garrus, she wouldn't want you to do this." His head turned to Liara, and it felt like she was peeling away his plating with a welding knife. "I know how you feel--"

"None of you understand how I feel." He didn't want to be any closer to Liara, and he definitely didn't want to admit there was anything right to what she was saying, but slowly the ache started winning over the anger. "Fuck, I just need to go."

They might have called out for him another time or two, but he didn't listen. He just wanted to be off this damn station, and anywhere but here.

He was over the Alliance and their bullshit; the only thing good about it was Shepard and now she was gone. Without her, all he wanted to do was go somewhere her heroic memory hadn't infested.

Without even heading back to his old apartment, Garrus booked the first passage to Palaven.

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