Chapter Sixteen

Slowly, we changed. 

I changed, Vin changed. He started to touch me less every night. His kisses went from soft and gently to kiss in the forehead to kiss in the back of my hand to no kiss at all. His hug went to no hug at all. He started just staring at me as I talked about my day, what I did, what I'm planning to do, and what I feel like doing. He started from asking so much, teasing me all the time to just staring at me as he smiled. 

I started having more conversations with Max. We almost look like we're getting to know each other. It's getting deeper, and longer than I thought it would. He's kind, innocent, pure, funny, hardworking, and has goals and dreams. No matter how busy he is, he tries his best to make time for me. He messages me from time to time to ask how I am doing, or to update what he has done. He's so green. 

But I'd be lying if I tell you that I never felt like I'm cheating, because technically I am. And I couldn't help but tell my friend that, I snapped. 

"Seems like you're happy." Mary Ann said, as she sat down beside me. 

"I am." I answered with a smile. 

"Because of Max? You're still in contact with him?"

"Yes." but as I answered that, Vin crossed my mind. "But I feel like I'm cheating on Vin."

And Mary Ann's answer is the answer that I never want her to tell me. The answer that I never want to accept. "Girl, move on. He's a ghost. I supported you, yes. But now that you found a living person to make you happy, it's time to move on from a ghost. Focus on who's in front of you, and forget someone who makes your heart and mind complicated."

I was speechless. I want to tell her that I don't want to move on. Because I love him. Yes, I love Vin. I won't deny it anymore. I won't hide it anymore. I stopped telling myself to stay strong, and keep denying it. I love him. I fucking love him. 

I love him to the point that whenever I'm talking to Max, I think of Vin. Whenever we joke around, I wish it was Vin that I'm laughing with. Whenever they ask about Max, I wish it was Vin's name I hear. Whenever my mom sees I'm smiling, I wish I could say the reason I was smiling is Vin. Whenever our conversation goes into flirting mode, I wish it was Vin I'm flirting with. Whenever I share a post on social media, talking about relationships, I wish it was Vin's name I could type on the caption. When I asked Max's birthday, family, siblings, and more, I wished it was Vin that I'm getting to know more. I wish it was Vin's birthday, family, siblings, favorite food, favorite hobby, dreams, and more. I wish it was all Vin. Because I love him, and it's starting to hurt. 

So, I act. I made fake messages, acting like I miss Carl, and posted it on my social media. I showed my friends that I miss Carl. I showed my friends that the only man in my life right now is either Carl, or Max. Without them knowing that my mind and my heart occupies only Vin. And the more I act, the more painful it is. 

And I'm getting scared. Because new year's eve is getting closer. Days are passing by, and I feel like Vin is getting further and further away from me. I kept seeing him at night, but at the same time, I miss him. I miss his touch. I miss his hugs. I miss his kisses. I miss his dick. I miss his words. I miss his possessive and obsessive attitude. I want him back. Because I feel I'm losing him… No. I feel like I already lost him. 

On the 30th of December, I met him. No illusion of place, no changes of clothes. Dim white room, with him wearing his usual white silky pajama, and me, wearing the clothes I wore when I slept. 

"Vin, I won't be able to see you tomorrow night early. I'm planning to sleep late, because it's new year's eve." I said. 

He walked towards me, and gently slid his hand on my cheek. Oh God, I miss this. I closed my eyes, feeling his touch. Pressing my cheek even more in his palm, feeling his skin against mine. But his voice broke the sensation I'm feeling, "You seem happy nowadays."

I looked up at him, "I am. Of course, I'm happy because–"

"Of him." he interrupted. "There's someone else, right? And he's a good guy."

"Vin…"

He smiled, "No need to deny it. I never stopped watching your days." And those words broke my heart. Not because he broke his promise, but because I can't imagine how painful it must be for him. Watching me getting to know another man's life. Having my friends support me and Max. Hearing Mary Ann's words that day. My tears fell, and I couldn't stop it. But he didn't cry. In fact, he is smiling right now. "It's fine. I'm actually happy for you."

He kissed my forehead, "Vin, please don't say that. I can ignore him. I can block him for you. Be jealous, Vin. Be possessive and obsessive. Say I'm yours and yours alone. Tell me to never cheat again. Tell me to–"

"Shh," he shushed, as he cupped my face. "I want you to be happy. You opened up to him, didn't you? You told him who you are. You told him your experiences, your past, expecting him to stay away from you. But he didn't. He stayed. He started opening up more, trusting you more, and got more comfortable with you. You're in good hands, Princess. And I don't want you to stay away from someone whom I know I can trust you with." But as if I couldn't hear anything, my tears went on and on. He rested his forehead against mine, "I'm yours, Princess. Always and forever. You were mine, but I don't want you to stay with me because you deserve better. I want to be better, but nature doesn't want me to. I tried everything. Believe me, Princess. I begged, I cried, I even tried to deal with nature, but I really can't go any further."

"Then, let's beg nature together."

He smiled bittersweet, "It's too late." He kissed my cheek, and suddenly I woke up, because of my damn alarm. I need to help my parents at the store. It's a holiday, so it'll be busy. That day, I was in a bad mood. My dad and I even got into a small fight. I breakdown for hours after I got home. I tried to sleep early at night, but just like the other day, when I try to sleep, I can't, as if it was locked.

For the first time in my whole life, I was awake at Twelve midnight on New year's eve, hearing the fireworks, and noises outside. Before, I usually slept, treating the noises as my lullaby, but now, I'm wide awake. And at one in the morning, I finally felt sleepy, and I decided to sleep while I'm at it. 

"Vin!" I immediately called out for him. But then, I felt a hug from behind. He wrapped his arms around my waist so tight. I was about to turn around and face him, but he stopped me. 

"Don't turn around. Please, stay like this for a moment. Let me hug you this way." he rested his head on my shoulder, as I put my hands over his.

"Vin, what's going on? What does "until new year's eve" mean? Please, stop acting like this."

But I started feeling my shoulder wet. He's crying. And because of that, I felt like crying, too. My tears started falling. I pulled my head backwards, resting my head over his body. "I want to stay. I don't want to go." He cries. "I want to be with you. Please, just let me be with you."

That's when I realized what this meant. That's when the pain finally broke out. I'm melting. I hate this. Please, let us go back to what we were before. Just let him be a ghost again. I don't care if I wouldn't be able to touch him, as long as I can see him everyday. 

"I just want to be with you! Why is it so hard?! I just want to stay! I want to keep holding you, keep hugging you, keep kissing you, keep staring at you. I just want you… Why is it so hard?" The way his voice cracks, the way he wants to scream but crying makes it hard for him. 

I turned around even though he told me not to. I hugged him, as the echo of our voices crying surrounded us. We hugged each other so tightly. But after a few minutes, he broke the hug. Trying to surpass his emotion, he cupped my face. "Princess, listen to me." Our tears kept falling, but I listened. "I want you to be happy, can you do that for me? I want you to explore. I want you to achieve your dreams and goals. Go to Seattle for me. Go publish a book for me. No. No no no… Let me change that. Go to Seattle. Publish a book. Achieve all the dreams you have. And move on. I want you to move on."

"Vin, please. Please no…" 

"But don't… forget about me… okay?" he managed to stammer between shuddering sobs. His sentences are filled by sniffles and gasps for air, as if the act of speaking itself was a painful journey through a field of thorns. "Don't you dare forget about me. I want you to reserve a small space in your heart only for me." He looked down, his hand tightened on my arms. "Find someone you deserve, someone who can love you more than me." He looked up at me once again, "Don't you dare fall for someone who doesn't deserve you. Don't be fucking blind, and let them take advantage of you! Do you understand me?"

I nodded, and nodded, and nodded. He started glitching, and that made me sob. My view got so blurry that I can't see his face clearly anymore. "Vin, please… Don't leave me please…" I held his hand, refusing to let him go. 

"Can you promise something?" He tried to wipe my tears with his thumbs, but it's useless. "Promise me that while I'm not here with you, you'll be happy. Promise me that you'll never shed a tear over me. Promise that you'll move on. Promise that you'll be who you really are. Promise that you'll live your life to the fullest, and won't let other people bring you down. Promise me that… you won't close your heart for anyone. Because who knows… I might be that guy with different appearance and name, but same soul and same heart." I know he's just trying to make me feel better, but it just hurts even more. He wailed, and I did, too. Then he suddenly said the magic words, but this time, I didn't wake up. This time, the sentence finally formed. "You know what hurts the most? When we already know the ending, but we tried to be happy for a short period of time."

"Vin… Please don't… tell me this is a prank… I'll forgive you… I won't be mad… please…" But instead of saying the words I want him to say, he kissed my forehead, then my nose, then my cheeks. He then gently kissed my lips. The softest, the most gentle kiss he ever gave me. "I love you… I love you, Vin… I love you so much."

He sobbed over my lips, "I love you, too, Princess." I closed my eyes and wiped my tears to see him clearly, but when I opened my eyes, he's gone, 

I fell on my knees, and screamed the shit out of me. I called him out over and over again, but no one came out. No Vin came out. I mourned. "Don't say too… It's like you're just agreeing with me…" I wailed for hours, that when I woke up, I did nothing, but look at the ceiling.