I owe people an apology.

Hello there, this is not an update - I'm sorry for the nearly four-month long chunk of silence, but that's not what's important (if anyone may be wondering, what I'm about to say is not the reason for the hiatus, though it has been a factor in why it's been as long as it's been). What I am here for is to apologize for what I've realized has been implicit racism inside of this story. To be specific, repeated, casual appropriation of Black vernacular English, and not staying in my lane in terms of whose perspective I have attempted to write from.

I realized a bit ago that Black vernacular English was all throughout this story, from single words to speaking patterns. And that's a huge problem, because I am a white author, and I was using it when I thought I was utilizing something else - like, for example, a) 'modern slang', or b) ways of speaking that were meant to make the speakers sound 'current', 'cool', informal/casual, or even humorous.

This is all very wrong. Black vernacular English isn't informal speech. It isn't the way 'cool' people talk. It is not something to be used for humor, because it isn't humorous. And it isn't slang (especially 'Gen-Z slang') or 'nonstandard English,' as is thought by many non-Black folks, especially white people. It's its own language with its own rich history and its own systems, and has been and is being appropriated all the time by people like me.

Something else about this to note is that since, while reading back, I recognized some speech patterns in this story as sounding like BVE that I wrote in without knowledge, they likely weren't even BVE - likely incorrect caricatures. And that's just gross. Like, it's one thing to take something that isn't yours and use it in attempts to benefit a story you're writing. It's another to do that, but do it incorrectly, contributing to stereotypical and incorrect subconscious views on that very thing that you stole, by people who are as ignorant as you are and whose faulty views will go on to harm Black individuals later.

I am seriously sorry that I did this.

Another issue of mine is the one regarding POV's. Initially, this story had 4 people who had at least one chapter written through their lens: Carmen, Jay, Carly, and Priscilla. Some of you may remember this. Carmen is white, while Jay, Carly, and Priscilla are not, or are partially, in Jay's case. In doing this, my initial thoughts were that it would make for a fun and more interesting story to have multiple characters having their POV's included instead of just one. I wasn't thinking about racial background.

But that's the issue. I've come across different opinions about this topic and recognize that people definitely differ on theirs, ranging from 'just write your character sensitively and as a human being, no matter who the character is' to 'if you are a white author, do not attempt to write from the perspective of a character of color.' What I was doing was the first one. And I read somewhere that if you as a white person write from a perspective of a character of color in America and don't touch on racism at all, that in and of itself is racist. To just omit that completely? It's racist. It's not your call to decide that any given character who would inevitably experience prejudice in this country just... doesn't?? No, you can't just take that out because you don't want to talk about it for a given reason. It's not something you understand. It's not something you deal with.

I understand much more now why it was ignorant and insensitive of me to approach things this way, and I am sorry for the lack of thought that went into these aspects of the story. I've cut out the POV's that aren't mine to touch. I do understand that I could have attempted to go back and not omit racism from the perspectives of the characters of color, along with doing research and having conversations with people and really trying to listen, among other important things, however personally I feel like it would be best for me to not continue to try to step into shoes of characters I can never understand adequately enough to appropriately represent. That's where it's easy to do something wrong, like I have done, and even if you do things right, there is the question of whether it's even your place to write this way in the first place.

I have done my best to correct these problematic things that have sat within the story. But that doesn't make any difference for the effects that it has caused thus far. And that is the main reason I'm writing this, along with the fact that doing something offensive and wrong and not saying anything is rotten. The goal of this message is not to seek forgiveness, or absolve myself of guilt, or get any response at all for that matter (however if any person reading this has something to say, such as bringing up something I did not address and should, I want to and will listen). I really hope to make that clear. What I figure is that if I have been ignorant enough to write a story this way, with these problematic aspects, then it is likely that at least some readers have been in a similar state and have digested these problematic things while reading without much thought. And if that is true, then that means that the story I have been writing for public viewing has been contributing to an ongoing problem of harmful stereotypes and appropriation of BVE, and incorrect ways of thinking.

For over a year.

Whoever falls into that category of 'some readers' and is viewing this, I really hope that to whatever degree this message can undo that effect (as in, make people aware of what has been wrong in my writing, potentially bringing subconscious things to the conscious), that it does. And also, to anybody who did notice these things and was hurt or offended, I am so sorry.

If you have made it this far, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this.

I wish it hadn't taken me this long to pull my head up and say something about all of this. Though, if this course of action was the wrong one to take, as it might be achieving all the wrong things and causing more harm than was initially caused by the offenses, and I instead should have corrected things privately and then worked harder to be better in the future, I apologize. I do not want to further the damage.

As of this moment now, my hope is to continue this story with these things well in my mind, to keep it going as good as it can be. However it may become clear to me that that is not the best course of action. But right now that does not matter and is not strong in my mind.

Thank you for your time.