Can you join us

Another story because I swear I have a glowing neon sign specifically directing these creeps to me.

So early April of last year, my roommate left me alone in the house for a week while he was off house sitting for family. We're not in a great area, but it's well populated, and our neighbors are fantastic so I'm not too concerned and am looking forward to having some peace and quiet.

Just a bit after 7:30pm I'm upstairs, sitting in my jammies fully immersed in playing a game when I hear a knock at the door. Not expecting anyone I look out my window overlooking the porch and see a strange older couple standing there.

Now my grandmother's (late) husband seemed to think providing my name and address to his church and repeatedly sending missionaries to my door to talk about Jesus was going to get me to join them on Sundays instead of sleeping in and being a lesbian (spoiler: women are pretty and beds are comfy, this was never an option), so when I didn't recognize them from the neighborhood I assumed they were some of the parishioners here to give me yet another bible.

Annoyed, I pause my game and head downstairs to do the usual "thaaaanks but super duper happy smooching ladies byyyye" song and dance, open the door and notice the guy is holding a clipboard. Odd. We do get the occasional energy efficiency or home alarm sales people, but it was a bit late for that.

I give them a mildly irritated "Yes?" and the guy introduces them as members from the "International Family Federation for World Peace and Unification" that "focuses on family". The name didn't register and he spoke in a slow, even tone that was so distracting and unnatural made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. He immediately reminded me of Marshall Applewhite and I thought how unfortunate that was for him.

He asks me if I "think family is important". Wanting him to get to the point (donations, fundraising, whatever) so they can get the hell off my porch, I say "sure I guess" or something of that nature, then he tells me they're conducting a survey and asks if I would be interested in sitting down for a few minutes with them.

The clipboard was facing outward and he took so long to speak I was able to glance down and see that the first question was about marital status.

My radar went up.

First of all, there was no way in hell I'm telling some random strangers at my door that I'm not married, and I'm not about to let them in to view how alone I currently am this evening! That aside I was getting super creepy vibes from them, the woman hadn't said a single word and was just staring at me the whole time. I tell them I'm not interested and shut the door.

I still had that little nagging feeling something wasn't right so I watched them leave. They didn't stop at any other houses (which didn't make sense to me if they were in fact doing a survey when we have a ton of neighbors and we're kind of in the middle of everyone), just got in their car and left. I immediately whip open google to look up their organization.

The International Family Federation for World Peace and Unification, formerly known as the Unification Church (which is what I knew it as) is an internationally known cult that specializes in mass arranged weddings and batshit crazy views. They rebranded and apparently they're recruiting. At my house. At 7:30 at night. The first day I'm home by myself for a week.

Needless to say I spent the rest of the week with the curtains drawn, researching large dog breeds and anxiously waiting for my roommate to get home.